[cloudsatall]

Ok, not sure if this is the right forum for this. My pastor and his wife, are new to the church where I am a member and I also am the church musician. They are about 30 years old. I confided in him and his wife, that I struggle with depression (I am treated with meds by psychiatrist and see a counselor). Also have thyroid disorder which affects depression. I also have arthritis in my knees, and it is painful to walk, and have been treated with physical therapy and shots.

The pastor, T, and his wife, B, have been kind to me, letting me talk to them and including me in activities. I lost my mom last year, and live in my house with my dog. The company I work for, as hotel reservation agent, is closing, but I did get a work from home position with them which I start next month.

At the minister's open house today, he told me that he wanted to fix me up with a single minister friend of his, who works in a city about 200 miles away. My minister, said he has fixed up other people and all the people he fixed up are married, and he thinks he should be a matchmaker. I told him that I was not interested, but he would not listen, and went on and on about how he was going to get me to meet this guy, etc. And this was in front of the other party guests!! I told him I did not want to be a pastor's wife, and did not want to move away from my home (I REALLY do NOT want to move, I love this house that I grew up in, and my backyard, and I feel very tied emotionally to this place. I have lived in other places before, so it is not like I have never lived elsewhere).

HOW can I get him to stop bugging me about this?? I don't see my counselor until the last week of December, and I will ask her for help on this as well. But it is stressful for me. I have a past background of abuse, and he does not know this--I don't want to tell him this, because it probably wouldn't make a difference. WHY are some people so insistent on trying to fix you up with someone?

[marmaduke]

Most people cannot belive you really want to be on your own so they project their feelings on to you.
They don't get it they truly think you are lonely.
However some people are comfortable with their own company. Alone, but not lonely.
Why don't you just meet this guy if they insist, you dont have to date him!

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cloudsatall, stop going to that church and go to a different one. Anyone, regardless minister or not that wont take no for an answer do not respect your boundaries. That is over bearing feeling they know how to manage your life for you. When you leave just leave with no explanations. Do not tell him where you are going so he can talk to the other minister on your behalf. Just find another church to attend or even just a bible study and fellowship midweek. You will be happier. If your gut feeling says no then don''t go and dont let people pressure you into anything you dont feel like doing. tc

[Bill3]

It sounds like today was the first and only time he mentioned this so far.

I'm sorry that he overstepped his boundaries. He is especially wrong to act in this matter because your musician responsibilities make you function as an employee of the church.

He should not be pressuring you, but maybe give him a chance to back off before you take any further action?

[nicoleflynn]

His behavior is inappropriate and controlling and disrespectful. Iwould tell him that you will not respond to his pressure and will not have a conversation on this matter again.

[divine1966]

Oh I can relate. Not only people wanted to fix me up but they gave my phone number to couple of men. I am so sorry you add going through this

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[cloudsatall]

thank you for your replies. I will need to talk to the minister about this, after I talk with my counselor about how to handle the situation. It really brought back a lot of painful memories of abuse with men and rejection. I don't understand how extroverts think they can tell someone else what to do with their life and not LISTEN to what others are telling them.

[ChipperMonkey]

Extroverts live in an extroverted world so they think that everyone is or should be like them. Just look at how the word introvert has a negative connotation much along the lines of antisocial. We as introverts KNOW and understand the difference between introversion and extroversion because we've been forced to live in an extroverted world from the second we were born.

[divine1966]

I have to add that not only people gave my number to men, these were men i would never even consider dating. Ugh. Why don't people mind their business

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[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I have to add that not only people gave my number to men, these were men i would never even consider dating. Ugh. Why don't people mind their business

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If someone gave my number away without my permission, I'd change my number and not give them the new one! How awful.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by cloudsatall

Ok, not sure if this is the right forum for this. My pastor and his wife, are new to the church where I am a member and I also am the church musician. They are about 30 years old. I confided in him and his wife, that I struggle with depression (I am treated with meds by psychiatrist and see a counselor). Also have thyroid disorder which affects depression. I also have arthritis in my knees, and it is painful to walk, and have been treated with physical therapy and shots.

The pastor, T, and his wife, B, have been kind to me, letting me talk to them and including me in activities. I lost my mom last year, and live in my house with my dog. The company I work for, as hotel reservation agent, is closing, but I did get a work from home position with them which I start next month.

At the minister's open house today, he told me that he wanted to fix me up with a single minister friend of his, who works in a city about 200 miles away. My minister, said he has fixed up other people and all the people he fixed up are married, and he thinks he should be a matchmaker. I told him that I was not interested, but he would not listen, and went on and on about how he was going to get me to meet this guy, etc. And this was in front of the other party guests!! I told him I did not want to be a pastor's wife, and did not want to move away from my home (I REALLY do NOT want to move, I love this house that I grew up in, and my backyard, and I feel very tied emotionally to this place. I have lived in other places before, so it is not like I have never lived elsewhere).

HOW can I get him to stop bugging me about this?? I don't see my counselor until the last week of December, and I will ask her for help on this as well. But it is stressful for me. I have a past background of abuse, and he does not know this--I don't want to tell him this, because it probably wouldn't make a difference. WHY are some people so insistent on trying to fix you up with someone?

I agree with Marmaduke, it sounds like the type of thing where they just can't understand why someone wouldn't want to be as happy as all the other people they have fixed up! It sounds like they have trouble with boundaries. They may see this as a "loving" thing, or maybe they think you are saying "no" out of embarassment or shyness and the right thing to do is to steamroll you into it. Regardless of the WHY it's not ok for them to disrespect your boundaries. I'd say something very nice but firm like, "I really appreciate how much you care about me. It means a lot that my happiness is such a priority for you, however I am happy with my life exactly as it is right now. I'm not in a place where I'm ready to meet 'The One' right now I am focusing on my mental health, working through my grief, and transitioning to this new job. I don't really have time for a relationship right now, I just couldn't give it my all."

I want to believe these people have good intentions, so if you are able to frame it in such a way that it's not that you don't want to meet this guy (even if it IS him) but you're just not looking to date right now then maybe they would accept it. If not, it might be time to find a new church, like omegalamed said.

[Permacultural]

That ain't cool. I'd stop buying whatever that establishment is selling.

[cloudsatall]

I am feeling really down on myself right now, with low self esteem and seeing myself as unable to be in a relationship with a guy. This incident has really brought to the surface my old problems with self esteem and being attracted to guys who are self centered and arrogant.