[SoScorpio]

Since about October last year, I've been slipping into depression. The past two months have been particularly bad. I'm on Wellbutrin but it's not doing much. I'm going to ride it out until I can get an eval by a pdoc, it was just my GP that prescribed me the Wellbutrin. I'm coping as well as I can, but now outside situations are making it even harder.

Our roommate, who is schizophrenic, has gone off her meds. She just turned 26 and is no longer covered on her mother's insurance, so we're not sure if she can even pick up this refill that was done right before her birthday without being billed $300 or something ridiculous. We're going with her to get them today, as long as they don't ask for that money up front there's nothing else we can do. But she's been off for more than a week, and showing symptoms. She's not too bad yet, and seems fully aware of what's happening with her, and how much the pills really did help.
But even after we pick these up, it will likely take a few weeks to see any improvement, and when those pills are gone, we have no idea how she's going to get more.
So suffice it to say, things are going to be a bit strained for a while.

The thing is, I have a weird mental block about the roommate. I always felt a little awkward around her, not knowing how to talk about her problems or if she even wanted to. Then I found out, over a year ago, that one of the mean, abusive voices in her head is mine. That pretty much cemented it.

I have an all-consuming fear of disapproval, and above all, conflict. Now that I know she has a bad image of me in her head, I feel stuck. Part of me feels like it has some bearing on how she really sees me, though my boyfriend says it could be the opposite, that I insult her in her head because she actually wants me to like her. But no matter the facts, I feel anxious about it. I feel like anything I say could make her worse. But today I had a revelation.

I thought I had no control over the situation, but that's wrong. I can't control her delusions, but I can give them something to compete with. If we don't interact every day, her delusions probably feel more real. I imagine it's like when you haven't seen someone in a long time, and you build an image in your head of what they look like, but it's never quite right. Only in this case, it's not the details of my face, but my character, that get warped in her mind, and it probably takes no time at all. I feel like I should at least be able to give her frequent reminders that the me in her head isn't real, and show her what the real me is like.

But I still have no idea how I'm going to do it. I've unlocked the part of my brain that thought there was no solution. But what about the rest of my anxious, overwhelmed brain?
There's the fear I always have, and in this case will never be able to dispel: disapproval, rejection, misunderstanding.
Then there's the fact that this fear makes me hyper-aware of how people respond to me, and I have no clue how to gauge her responses when her mind is screwed up.
And there's the all-too-likely possibility of relapse on my part -- that if I can't force myself to do what needs done, I'll convince myself it can't be done.

To put it in perspective, I get freaked out about the smallest social interactions, especially with her. Idle chatting is usually okay. But if I have to ask her something, or tell her something important, I get weird. I have to rehearse my lines in my head. If she's in her room I usually don't even want to knock. I'll tell myself I'll wait until she comes out on her own, and when she does my heart starts pounding and I can't figure out how to start without it being awkward.
I don't feel I can criticize her at all. The only times that I directly have, it led to some very unpleasant, aggressive conversations. This may be partly my fault, because I leave it so long that I only end up telling her about the things that have been burning me up for a long time, and I have all this frustration built up, and somehow see it as her fault that I haven't been able to tell her.
Yesterday my boyfriend suggested I try to get her to shower. He's less comfortable talking with her about hygiene and thinks it would be better coming from me. This seems like an insurmountable difficulty for me. How do you tell someone they stink, even under normal circumstances? And these aren't normal circumstances. I can't even formulate a way to say this that feels safe to me. I know I overreact a lot, but somehow I have this irrational fear that if I tell her something negative like that, her delusion of me will go into overdrive and, at best, make her mental state worse, at worst, cause a major break that makes her see me as a valid threat and put me in danger. Not that she's ever been physically aggressive toward me specifically, but she has broken some of my stuff.

It's not as though she ever actually comes to me to talk about her problems. It's always me or my boyfriend that brings it up. And if she did come to me, I think it would melt that wall of ice I have between us. If she initiates contact, I don't feel so anxious.
But it has to be me to make this start. She has similar fears of disapproval, on top of the usual difficulties in talking to anyone about psychosis. If I want her to know that I'm here for support, and have her see me as I really am, I have to be the one to act.

Those are the facts on the table. I have two options: grit my teeth and just do it, or keep going like I have, not attending to any of the worries in my head. There's probably no help to be had in doing this. It's going to be uncomfortable no matter what.

I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth it. I mean, I guess I won't know until I do it. But with the possibility of worsening our relationship and my own depression... how much should I be worrying about this? Am I justified in giving myself a break and focusing on my problems? Am I a bad person if I let my boyfriend handle the bulk of dealing with her?
I just don't know if I'm stable enough to handle this right now.

If your meds aren't working I suppose you could ask your GP to change it to something else. I'm not on meds but I know plenty of people who are and it was basically trial and error with their GPs until they found something that worked, after that it was only adjusting the dosage. But maybe I'm wrong so wait for more answers on this.

Now your roommate, well, she'll drag you down with her if you let her. I don't know if you're trying to help her because you care or because you fear that she's going to go berserk on you or something like that, but the fact is: you know that you have to take care of yourself first, and that alone is a difficult task to handle.

[healingme4me]

Describing how you'll go about soothing your roommates inner voice that believes you don't like her, to sooth your inner critic of wanting to be liked is walking on eggshells.

If you believe that she's unable to care for herself, now that her insurance lapsed and she's off medication, is that your responsibility or is that the responsibility of her emergency contact, presumably her parents?

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[divine1966]

How is her health condition your responsibility if you are struggling so much yourself with your own health and your financial problems and not being able to find decent job or transportation and having to rely on others. You said you have no control but you really do. You aren't required to live with ill person who is off meds. She isn't your mother or child, she is your roommate.

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