[Mika no Chiyoko]

I moved in with my boyfriend last February and we've been living together since then. Recently, last week actually, I came downstairs after getting dressed. We were heading to my aunt's because she invited us for lunch. He was reading some comics and started to shut down. I can't remember what exactly but there was a small problem with his laptop, it froze or something. A few weeks ago it fell really hard and the side got bent. I leaned over to check and he tried to hide the screen from me, so I leaned around to see why and I saw he'd been viewing some porn images. I asked him why and he said it was fun and shrugged it off.

I should mention that when I first moved in he deleted all the porn he had had previously and that recently I had gotten internet installed and bought a wifi router because our neighbour, his brother, was using their uncle's wifi and had some issues with them about the password. His wife doesn't work and doesn't really have anything to do all day because they don't have a tv or books or anything like that. The house was recently built and is still being worked on. So I installed the internet so she's have something to do at least.

Anyway, I didn't really take it seriously because I was a bit distracted and we were kind of late so I dropped it. But then a few times I had a feeling he was hiding something on his computer from me. I'd come into the room and get the impression that he'd closed or minimized something quick as a flash. So, one afternoon while he was in the shower I checked his browser history. He'd still been viewing porn. I didn't say anything. When we were getting ready for bed I asked if he was dissatified with anything and he said no. A few days later I checked his history again. Still more porn. This time I checked the downloading program I had given him. He had lost a few apps and needed them back. He didn't have to work that day but I did and I gave him the program. He'd been downloading porn with it. That afternoon I asked him about it. He lied at first but when I asked if he was telling me the truth he admitted it. I asked him why he lied and he replied "I dunno." I asked him not to lie to me again and he said ok. I then tried to explain to him about my view on porn watching and why I didn't want him to lie and he laughed and said he thought of it as a joke.

My arguement was that it was extremely easy to break someone's trust in you, especially if it was about something like porn. It would be so easy to go further on the internet. And I tried to compromise, I do realize that you don't have to be dissatisfied in your relationship to watch porn. I tried to compromise and asked him not to lie to me again, ever, about anything because it would seriously damage my trust in him. I honestly hate it when the person I'm supposed to be placing my trust in lies to me and hides things from me. This is in no way extended to my family, I'm not connected to them like I'm connected to my boyfriend but he still treated it like a joke and got annoyed with me, saying it was just a little porn.

I know it's just a little porn, but the thought that you want to watch someone else, some other woman have sex instead of having sex with me, makes me very very angry. I'm right there, and you've told me time and again that you don't need porn when you have me. And you've still gone and watched porn, what's worse, you've lied to me about it and hidden it from me. How am I to know if you've hidden something else or would hide something even worse from me? A few days later I said that to him after I asked him if he'd delete it if I asked him to. He did and when I tried to tell him how I felt he launched into this whole explanation about how it's a guy thing and and it didn't mean that I was inadequate and that even if he'd had some big beautiful movie star there he'd still want something more, and he'd rather watch some porn than go out and find some other girl. Really? How do you expect me to feel when you say something like that to me? There's some other woman, even if she's just an actress doing her job, in the space, in the times I'm supposed to be there, in your mind. And he expects me to accept it? Seriously just damaged my trust in him there. I could be overreacting, obsessive, possessive or whatnot, the ******* logic and reason is still there and I honestly don't feel comfortable around him right now and I can't stop dwelling on it every time he touches me. Other couples watch porn and accept it, because nobody ****ing lies and hides it. Its right out there in the open, and my trust issues be damned, I'd rather that than be ****ing lied to.

So, does anybody have any advice on how I can work this out with myself and him, or does it imply I need to resolve some issues and then see if I can carry out a relationship.

[ChipperMonkey]

Maybe if you don't like porn then you shouldn't be with a guy who likes to watch porn. Just a thought. I'm very much in the "accept people as they are and don't expect them to change for you" camp.

Why did he delete all of his porn? This tells me that A) you knew awhile ago that he had porn and B) there must have been a reason that he deleted it which I'm guessing was at your request? Correct me if I'm wrong. I mean if a girl knew his guy had porn and she was OK with it, he'd keep it....if she wasn't ok with it, he'd delete it. So I'm guessing that he already had an inkling that you don't like porn which would explain why he was trying to hide it from you.

[Mika no Chiyoko]

I've been told that he'd gotten rid of his porn long before I came, and when I asked about the porn that was left on his computer he deleted it, I never asked him to, and he told me he didn't need porn since he had me. I suppose I shouldn't have believed him, not everybody gets as flat out honest-to-the-point-of-rudeness as I can be.

[JustJenny]

I understand your frustration. He does something you don't like and he lies to you about it. But how is he in the other aspects of your relationship? Does he care for you? Love you? Do you have fun together?

Do you see viewing porn as a type of cheating?

[ShineYourLight]

If you love him you better stick by his side or hes gone. And your love will make you go through a storm. FIGHT THROUGH THE HARD </3

[Mika no Chiyoko]

JustJenny, honestly, I think on the spectrum I do lean towards seeing porn as cheating. In other areas of the relationship, based on the common knowledge of how guys in my country act, I did actually get lucky. He does care about me and love me and we have fun but he does some things that I really, really hate. I tried to explain that to him, but when I get mad but I manage, which is extremely hard because I have a tendency to cry and run, to stay calm enough to try to lay out my reason for him to understand why I'm acting the way I'm acting it feels like he's throwing up a wall and I don't know if he's taking it in. Like the second time I tried to talk to him about the porn. He did that wall thing again. I don't know if he still thinks it's a joke and that he's some sort of idiot for putting up with it and allowing me to try to take something he enjoys away from him, to try to break his habit.

[JustJenny]

Is there anything else other than porn that upsets you in his behavior?

[marmaduke]

I would be upset too.
He should be honest about it.

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[eskielover]

Porn isn't a habit it's an addiction for starters. I would take it as cheating also....but you knew before you moved in together that the problem existed. If he looks as what you say as a joke....he will look at other things younsaybas a joke if they don't agree with his thinking also & that's NOT GOING TO CHANGE WITH TIME. Honestly even if you have fun with the guy, there are more important things in relationships than having fun & that is COMMON VALUES. You would be better off with no one than dealing with serious value differences. Better to wait for someone who has the same values or have no one than to fight over things that will never change as the desire on his part isn't there.....& the addiction is being brushed off & not taken seriously because it's NOT the way he thinks

[divine1966]

I think occasional porn might be ok and doesn't mean it's an addiction at all. I had a period of my life when I watched some after I ended 9 year long relationship and moved out. Lots of bad things were happening to me at that time and porn was my escape. If you ever met me you'd never believe it. I am 50 year old conservative bookish woman with no adventurous side to her lol

I don't watch it now of course. My fiancée said he watched it too when he was convinced he will never meet anyone, he was alone and miserable coming home from stressful job and needing an escape. I can't hold it against him as I watched it myself.

But if I found that he watches it now, I'd be heart broken and it would be end of it. I think it would be. Don't know. Other people are ok with porn. I am not

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[ChipperMonkey]

Saying all porn is an addiction is the same as saying all drinkers are addicted (alcoholics) and anyone who has sex is a sex addict.

Yes, it is possible to just casually watch porn or have it just be a habit.

[Bill3]

I see at least three distinct issues.

1. Whether or not porn is necessarily an addiction.
2. Whether or not it is okay to insist that a partner not use it.
3. Whether or not it is okay to lie about using it.

Personally, I think it is reasonable to be upset by a partner using it and/or lying about it--whether or not it is an addiction.

[Mika no Chiyoko]

From the replies on this thread I've rethought this and I've come to the conclusion that there are really two things that bother me about this.

One, he lied. About porn. And this is somewhat well known as the precursor to other actions that are disagreeable, like cheating and web chats and other things that I probably haven't heard about. I'm an extremely honest person to other people, even if I have problems telling myself truths I don't want to hear sometimes. And it's one of the most painful things I've ever experienced to have the person I care about lie to me about this. It has damaged my trust and may damage my feelings for him.

Two, he thinks my opinion of porn and his viewing it is a joke. This is not okay, even if we were both not seeing each other. As eskielover said, it is possible that he may look at other things I say as a joke.

It's even more possible in that we're from completely different backgrounds. My parents watched porn, I know they did and they never hid it from each other and they were, I can't quite find the word to describe it, they engaged in discussions(?) or shared with each other about it. I was really little when they would talk about it over mine and my brother's heads and I only figured it out when I got older and started reading my mom's books. From what my boyfriend tells me when I was trying to talk to him, all the men in his family had porn. What I'm sure of though, and that he can't seem to grasp, is that none of them ever lied about it or hid it from their wives and therefore even if it wasn't okay with the women it was tolerated, at least.

I'm a very possessive person. I know this, and have known for a long time too. I don't like it when people leave me, or ignore me or make me feel lonely or bad. On the other hand, people are people and one is not allowed to treat them as possessions and attempt to control them. I also have very simple reasons for doing things, and if I'm told I'm wrong then I will consider it and adjust my views when and if I see the merit of the other argument. On the third hand, or foot , people also have the responsibility to return the favor to me, to consider my opinions.

I mentioned before that I do lean towards viewing porn as cheating. However, I've concluded that this only extends to the situation of hiding and lying about it. If the situation was like the one with my parents then I don't see myself having a problem with it.

[Mika no Chiyoko]

Also, there is one thing other thing that connects itself to my distress about his porn watching. I've tagged along with him twice now on occasions where we were going out and his boss had called to ask him to do a small errand. Each time he introduced me to the women he worked with he made jokes about them having been really into him before I came and old girlfriends with them. My feelings on this have nothing to do with my possessive nature. I find this purely offensive and disrespectful, not just to me and our relationship but to the women he introduced me to and I've argued with him about this but I've never gotten around to outright stating this fact. He also used to make jokes about girls falling all over him at his work places, he works as an assistant contractor, but he's stopped now. I do not give my loyalty just so it can be offended like that.

[JustJenny]

I personally think that hiding things from you and not taking your requests seriously is the bigger problem. Good stable relationships are based on trust and respect and it looks like both might be compromised in your case

What do you want to do about it now?

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by Mika no Chiyoko

Also, there is one thing other thing that connects itself to my distress about his porn watching. I've tagged along with him twice now on occasions where we were going out and his boss had called to ask him to do a small errand. Each time he introduced me to the women he worked with he made jokes about them having been really into him before I came and old girlfriends with them. My feelings on this have nothing to do with my possessive nature. I find this purely offensive and disrespectful, not just to me and our relationship but to the women he introduced me to and I've argued with him about this but I've never gotten around to outright stating this fact. He also used to make jokes about girls falling all over him at his work places, he works as an assistant contractor, but he's stopped now. I do not give my loyalty just so it can be offended like that.

Sounds like that he might be disrespectful towards women. That would explain why he didn't take your requests seriously. How is his relationship with the other women in his family like?

[Mika no Chiyoko]

As far as I've seen he's respectful to the older women in his family but towards his brother's wife he directs a goodly amount of teasing. He also frequently disapproves of promiscuous women or women who openly enjoy sex. An example I can give, albeit a fictional character, is Penny, from the show The Big Bang Theory. He thinks she's a slut but also accepts the fact that I've had boyfriends and lovers before him, even though he doesn't particularly like to think about it.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Saying all porn is an addiction is the same as saying all drinkers are addicted (alcoholics) and anyone who has sex is a sex addict.


Yes, it is possible to just casually watch porn or have it just be a habit.

Very true

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[Mika no Chiyoko]

In general he's also a very polite person, tries to be nice to people frequently.

[Bill3]

He does not joke about or minimize their serious concerns.

Some people do laugh and joke when they are nervous.

[Mika no Chiyoko]

Bill3, I don't see why he would be nervous, I'm not quite sure which issue you're referring to.

[Bill3]

He would be nervous having been caught in a lie and about being on the defensive when you speak about your dislike of his use of porn.

[Random]

I agree with, Chipper I think it was, who said your morals are so different that you're going to make each other miserable. I dont view porn as a big deal, might watch it once or twice a year. If someone told me they viewed it as cheating, I'd probably laugh too, not because they're upset but just because I view it as such a light thing. Different viewpoints. Now if I had experience dating someone who had been addicted to porn and it got in the way of the relationship, my view point would likely be way way different. It's hard to change other people, if you want this relationship with this guy to work, it is more likely you will have to change your views on porn. Thats not me saying you should do that, just its way more likely you'll be able to change yourself than you are able to change him. If you really view it as cheating though, I think the best bet would be to move on and find someone who fits better with you.

[Rose76]

I don't think what another person looks at on the Internet is anyone's business, but their own.

However, knowing a guy is attracted to porn would just be a huge sexual turn-off to me. It's been my experience that guys who regularly consume porn are not that great in the love-making department. They are often trying to compensate for that.

I think it reveals something negative about a man's attutudes toward sex, women and intimacy for a guy to be fascinated by porn. For a couple to rent a porn movie, now and then, to watch together can be fun. But I think that porn becomes boring to most people after awhile. A guy who spends a lot of time on it would be a person who doesn't have enough other interests to occupy his mind. Someone like that would strike me as boring, as well as creepy.

But, if this is what seizes his attention, you are probably not going to change that in him. He'll just get sneakier about it.

[Mika no Chiyoko]

I've already thought about what Rose mentioned, watching porn together. I wondered if it might be able to resolve the issue or allow me to see if this will go nowhere but I'm very unsure. Bill is correct, I realize now, that my boyfriend was being very defensive, and I'm not certain he would agree to try it. Also, he has become sneakier about it.

We both watch anime, and because I put the downloading program on his computer he's been able to download more episodes without having to wait on me to download them at work, as my internet speed is very fast here. So we were watching and then his aunt called him over because she had some stuff she thought we'd like to buy. I had a few updates for a show we watch so I plugged in my flash to send them to his laptop. I clicked on one but I forgot his video player isn't set to open each video in a different window and it opened and cut off the previous movie we were watching. I closed it and went to the downloads folder. Not remembering what was the name of the movie, all I knew was it was one of the old scooby doo ones, I started clicking on random files trying to open it again. Apparently he hasn't gotten the hang of renaming in the downloader when it gives him file names instead of the actual episode names.

I clicked on a file, and up pops this 3d porn video. It wasn't more than half a minute long but it was one of those things that the downloader will automatically capture and you can accidentally start downloading it by mistake. It is also one of those videos that will only show up if you've actually been on the site for more than a half hour. I know, because I used to watch porn myself occasionally out of boredom to prompt myself to do something better with my time. I do not watch porn anymore, let me just make that clear. I promptly checked his browser history. I didn't find the site but I did find the google search page. Apparently he'd tried to erase his history but unused to doing so, forgot that one page. I don't want to confront him because then I'm afraid he'll probably lie and realize his mistake and I'll get hurt again. I'm extremely upset and I don't like having my trust mistreated.