I think I give up on explaining anything to my bf

I previously had posted about my fiance's potential mental disorder (I say potential because it hasn't been officially diagnosed) AND his lack in understanding mine. It's been months already since I've tried to help him understand my disorder and help him cope with it as well (which I think is unfair and exhausting to me because I feel like I have to focus on his mental stability instead of my own). He has quite a lot of anger issues and mental illness runs in his family. He says he's gonna go to therapy but he gets REALLY defensive when I even insinuate he might have a problem (he makes such a big deal about it that he makes ME feel inadequate for being mentally ill and acts like he's more "normal" than I am). It's really hard for me to deal with him because he has sooooo much baggage from earlier in his life and he refuses to acknowledge anything or gets defensive about it and I feel like I need to constantly "fix him". How do you try to make someone see that therapy does not mean you're "crazy" and that he has severe issues and he's being extremely selfish not considering how depressed it's making me feel. Now after a year of not even needing therapy, I now find myself looking for one to learn how to deal with him!. What do you do when someone doesn't "see" himself?

FYI, I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

So, now you are OK, but think he has unaddressed issues? I think it is usually offensive to imply that someone has problems. He needs to realize this by himself. I tried this, and this exactly what made others become defensive. But if he loves you, try to use that to make him realize his issues. I am not sure how, though. Sometimes silence with love are better than words.

I agree that unfortunately you can't force someone to change or accept that they need help - they have to come to that realization themselves. It sounds like you have done what you can to support him but he is not in a place where he is ready to accept help.

You might also be interested in information on Stages of Change. While originally created for alcoholism it does also fit most types of change/motivation. It can't tell you how to fix things but may give you an idea of where he is at. If he is willing to see a therapist that is a great start to allow him to discuss what he thinks the problems are (or aren't). Sometimes it is hard for people to hear their challenges from someone close to them but are more willing to explore it with a therapist.

It sounds like seeking out your own therapist is also a good idea and I would suggest having someone separate to the person he would see. It can give you an outlet as well and ensure you are able to take care of yourself.

I really hope it works out for you both

I would be careful diagnosing other people with "potential" mental health concern or illness. I agree with the other poster that it could be offensive. You can address certain behavior like state "I feel hurt when you do XYZ and can you please stop doing XYZ". Address his behavior whatever is that he is doing but unless you are a doctor I would not be diagnosing him or pushing for treatment. And some of it could a perception. Something you see as a problem. What exact behaviors are concerned with?

I agree with others about seeking your own therapy.

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How about not talking about the illness(es) at all and focus of your relationship needs? Whether that be a need for respect, understanding and compassion?

If he triggers you speak up and tell him. "When you do this, I Feel this, what can we do to adjust it?"

Focusing on the illness makes it a separate entity. Plus there's no excuses for poor behavior in relationships, so it's not a get out of jail free card...
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I don't recommend you marry this person.

I see it as a problematic long lasting problem ...You want something he doesn't appear capable to give you.

Healthy relationships take lots of work on both parties. If only one person is really trying... well then that pesky emotion "resentment" starts brewing.

If his actions hurt you its not always a " mental illness" sometimes people are just ****** humans.

I personally would not stay in a relationship like this.