[bolair811]

Just wondering if anyone can relate to this. I'm a 36-year-old female, and I've always been very avoidant of romantic relationships. I never dated or even had the desire until I was 20 years old and in college. My first boyfriend was gay although he was in denial of that at the time. I had suspicions but I think that's the reason I stayed with him for 6 months. It wasn't scary and I sort of used it as an opportunity to learn about kissing, sex, etc. I wasn't in love with him, but he was fun to be around.

I was always 20-30 pounds overweight, but starting around 22 years old, I became super depressed, started binge eating a lot and gaining weight like crazy. I wasn't in another relationship for the rest of my 20's (except I did have a friend with benefits for several months about 5 years ago). I somehow was able to totally disconnect sex from love and intimate relationships. Then, 3 years ago when I had weight loss surgery and lost over 250 pounds, I started to get attention from men. It made me really uncomfortable, but I was proud of my new body, and (please don't judge me), but I really just wanted to date and "have some fun". It was careful fun, but it never failed that guys would get super clingy and it would freak me out and I would run. I guess in my own way, I justified my single-ness by trying to really embrace my independence and strong introversion. And I don't know how I managed to have sex and never get attached or fall in love. So now, I'm really starting to feel lonely for more than just sex. I really want someone special in my life, and I'm sort of dating a man right now, but we live over an hour apart and he has kids, so we don't see each other often. This has helped me not freak out and run, and I do like him and feel ok and comfortable, and we haven't had sex yet. But, I am wondering if I'm even capable of falling in love with anyone.

The odd thing about all of this is that when it comes to my family and friends, I'm extremely caring and loving, but never to the point of clinginess, etc, so I know I'm capable of love, just not romantic love.

Sorry this was so long... I just felt like some backstory was necessary. I'm working with a therapist, but I guess I'm just looking for thoughts or suggestions or reassurance that I'm not totally incapable of romantic love.

Thank you!

[theenemywithin]

You are working with a therapist. That is great. Maybe they can help you determine the cause for your avoidance. Even though you have always avoided romantic relationships, you were not born with that aversion. You have engaged in the behavior for many years, so it may take some time to correct. Be patient and optimistic and trust you will improve.

I would suggest to let things flow. Just be available if you like him and see what happens.

[bolair811]

Thank you both for the reassurance! I'm going to try really hard to believe and trust that I can work through and overcome my issues with this. I want to love, so I guess that's half the battle.

I am a male with a similar fear of romantic relationships, but I also don't have the prospects either. No job, for example.

[Bill3]

Are you exploring with your therapist the possible sources of your avoidance, e.g. childhood experiences? You might find it useful to read a bit about avoidant attachment.

[T-Price]

I can relate. I'm a 22 year old male who for some unknown reason has extreme anxiety when it comes to anything involving relationships. I've never been in a relationship and the last time I asked someone out, which was last April, and when she turned me down I was so anxious I developed a violent tremor in my hand for a solid month.

[healingme4me]

It's not the worst thing to avoid clingy behaviors in relationships. Is that truly avoidance as it implies in a psychology term or steering clear of unhealthy relationships? Something to consider?

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