[MikeNessMonster]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, and we have lived together for most of that time. I am 24, and he is 41. We currently live in a very cole climate, which I have dreamt of leaving ever since I was a child. I hate the cold and snow, and suffer from seasonal affective disorder and fibromyalgia. The long cold winters make it very hard on me, and i constantly dream of moving to florida or california. My boyfriend knows how hard winters are on me, and we have agreed that we would move together in a "few" years. A year ago, we agreed that we would try to move in two years. This year, he told me 3 or 4 more years until his son gets older. He told me not to pressure him. In all honesty, i dont like his son as he is very judgemental and spoiled, so i have resentments about this. My boyfriend only sees him about 3 days a month, and he could come visit us in our new location where i would be much happier and healthier. I feel like i am wasting my 20's waiting for a child to grow up that isnt mine nor do i particularly like.

I am about to finish a trade school in a couple months, and i will be working making decent money for the first time in my life, which would mean i will finally be able to finance my move. My plan is to stay only one more winter here and leave because i simply cant take it anymore.

I know this may sound weird, but i can feel myself changing and growing rapidly at this stage of my life. I keep feeling this unexplained calling for me to adventure. I think about what my life could be like if i just left everything behind here and started truly being the ruler of my own life. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, and he is my best friend. He has so much baggage (two kids to different mothers, no money, emotional baggage) and sometimes i feel like its mine as well... and i just dont deserve to be bogged down by someone elses problems. The things that seemed okay when i was 21 now is starting to seem like bigger problems to me.

I love my boyfriend, and would love for us to be able to have an amazing, free life somewhere else together. The question is how long do i wait and stay in this place i hate for my boyfriend to want to move with me? If he loves me, shouldnt he support our moving sooner rather than in an obscure amount of years not only for my happiness but for my health?

Am i not listening to my intuition enough? I feel like i want so much more.in my life.

[marmaduke]

.
Always difficult when someone has children, their loyalties are divided.
He only sees his son 3 times a month, I wouldn't respect any man or woman who ignored their children, it is his duty to see and care for them.

I can understand you wanting to go to a warmer place, I'm sure it would better for your health.

The age gap could be the problem, maybe you have out grown the relationship, gained confidence and want change?

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

I feel that, in reading your post, you kinda made things clear to yourself...



You are young. Go and live your life...

[ComfortablyNumb5]

If you already can't stand his kids then that's a bid red flag. My bf brought his two young boys into our relationship and it went from just us, to us having his kids here 50% of the time. It's not easy. I've locked myself in my room and cried, left the house, stayed at work late, all because I didn't want to come home and be mom for the night. It's a struggle to adjust. You're young and still growing. I'm 28 now and when I think back to age 24, wow. Definitely not ready for commitment. And this man is much older and unlikely to change. You NEED to move based on your medical condition and he doesn't sound like he wants to go anywhere. You said yourself he has baggage. I think your newfound desire to spread your wings is healthy and you should run with it. Take a break from this man and do what you need to do. If it was meant to be he'll follow

[JustJenny]

I agree with all posts above...

To be completely honest with you, I think you should live your life to the fullest, otherwise you will regret it in the future. Staying an extra year or two in a place that you don't like doesn't sound like much, but is it worth putting your own happiness on hold? You can accomplish a lot in two years, especially when you are so young.

What I find a little concerning is that your bf doesn't seen to want to move. How sure are you that in 3-4 years he will not find another excuse not to move? His job? His house? Family?

[divine1966]

At 24 I don't think you should devote yourself to someone else's kids. Go live your life.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Epichelper]

Take a look at your values, what you want in life. You love each other, but if you both want different things it will get complicated.

"If he loves me, shouldnt he support our moving sooner rather than in an obscure amount of years not only for my happiness but for my health? "

He could say the same thing. You shouldn't make the person you love do anything. If that is the case, and there is résistance. Take the time to precisely look at WHY there is resistance. This might not be what he sais. It could be something else.

Ask questions. Do not point fingers. Try to understand his point of view. Maybe he is worried about something. Try to find out what is really going on.

[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

I agree with all posts above...

To be completely honest with you, I think you should live your life to the fullest, otherwise you will regret it in the future. Staying an extra year or two in a place that you don't like doesn't sound like much, but is it worth putting your own happiness on hold? You can accomplish a lot in two years, especially when you are so young.

What I find a little concerning is that your bf doesn't seen to want to move. How sure are you that in 3-4 years he will not find another excuse not to move? His job? His house? Family?

I cant be sure he wont find another excuse. He is perpetually low on money due to his two child supports. He works extremely hard, but gets paid too little for his job because he works for his abusive stepfather who pays him less than he deserves and knows he wony quit because he doesnt have the money to be a contractor himself. My boyfriend hates working for him, and is always complaining about it, but claims there are no other contractors to work for for the same money. This seems like a deafeatist attitude to me, because there are always options if youre miserable. He has absolutely no money saved and isnt in the process of saving. I feel like if we were to move together i would have to save enough for both of us to go. He claims he wants to leave here, but wont commit to a set amount of time no matter how many times i hint at how sick i am in the winter and.cant wait to move. He just smiles and says "i know you do."

I guess i should just focus on saving money for myself to go, and once i have at least some funds tell him my plan so its at least solidified in his mind. If he doesnt take it seriously... well then i guess thats my answer. I would never want him to move for me if he didnt want to go. I would understand if he wanted to stay for his son (he has as much custody as he can, its not as though he is neglecting him). But i cant betray myself.by staying in a place im not to be anymore waiting for his kid to grow up all the while im losing my 20's feeling unfulfilled.

[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by Epichelper

Take a look at your values, what you want in life. You love each other, but if you both want different things it will get complicated.

"If he loves me, shouldnt he support our moving sooner rather than in an obscure amount of years not only for my happiness but for my health? "

He could say the same thing. You shouldn't make the person you love do anything. If that is the case, and there is résistance. Take the time to precisely look at WHY there is resistance. This might not be what he sais. It could be something else.

Ask questions. Do not point fingers. Try to understand his point of view. Maybe he is worried about something. Try to find out what is really going on.

He is worried about making his son feel abandoned. He is worried about his financial.stability if he moves... i totally understand this. I would never want him to move if he wasnt in it. Its just confusing and frustrating when he tells me he wants to marry me and move with me somewhere else, and then gives me a nondescript amount of years until we can move when he knows i am dead serious about needing to. I guess i dont feel taken seriously. Maybe he feels like hes so stuck in his life here that he cant even make a commitment to himself. Id just like him to be honest with me, and if he is, start taking it seriously.

[avlady]

i say what others said-go live your life. you need to be taken seriously now not in 2 years!

[yagr]

Originally Posted by MikeNessMonster

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, and we have lived together for most of that time. I am 24, and he is 41.

In a recent thread discussing dating an older man, I said, "In order for a relationship to work, the people in it must be compatible. One of the most important ways that require compatibility is emotionally. If a forty year old man and a twenty year old woman are emotionally compatible - then she is growing as a person and maturing twice as fast as he is. At that rate, she'll outgrow him very quickly."

All other factors aside, I am not surprised you are growing out of your relationship.

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by MikeNessMonster

I guess i should just focus on saving money for myself to go, and once i have at least some funds tell him my plan so its at least solidified in his mind. If he doesnt take it seriously... well then i guess thats my answer. I would never want him to move for me if he didnt want to go. I would understand if he wanted to stay for his son (he has as much custody as he can, its not as though he is neglecting him). But i cant betray myself.by staying in a place im not to be anymore waiting for his kid to grow up all the while im losing my 20's feeling unfulfilled.

That's a very wise decision! To what yagr said above - I think that describes your situation.

If he chooses to stay at a low paid job that makes him feel miserable - there is not much you can do about it. I would say he should apply for other jobs without quitting his current job, but I guess you already had this conversation...

[silverrenaud]

Leave now... do not wait any longer.

I unfortunately had a similar experience except the shoe was on the other foot. My wife hesitated for almost 10 years before leaving me. She says she regretted not going earlier. She changed as a person and I didn't.

You will regret things if you do not go now. It can be painful, but at your age you have so much living to do.

I wish you good luck !

[ladytiger]

He reminds me of my ex of 10 yrs promised me the moon yet never made any attempt to marry me or get us a place. I was growing faster than my ex yet he is 6 yrs older than me he is like his dad always stuck in this rigid hole. I wish I would have left much sooner hopefully ex would have gotten the hint a long time ago and possibly change.

[healingme4me]

Save up your money and go have that adventure. Long distance relationships are possible or keep each other free with the notion that if down the road, if it's meant to be, it will be. At least you'll go find a more suitable climate and test the waters. Plus....hear me out, if for some reason, you don't like your new environment, the door home is open, right? I've seen moves not work, as well as work. So, maybe move as a test of the waters without permanently ending things? Maybe it will inspire him, as well?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk