Where do you look ...

I don't think it is cultural. In my culture looking in the eyes is perfectly fine and encouraged. It's more personal convictions. I don't know from where they stem, though.

Maybe because you are overall a shy person, you feel self conscious looking people in the eye, don't know. I know many people who have difficulty with eye contact, but that's due to ASD. Otherwise it might be just shyness

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I thought everytime I looked someone directly in the eyes, they were instantly, right there on the spot, judging me. In a very negative way. Plus, I thought that people would start making conversations with me, and I dreaded being talked to. Especially by strangers. I was shy and abnormally introverted. Well, since I saw that my social isolation was hurting me, I decided to make small baby steps towards opening myself toward people. And practicing direct eye contact while on the street was one of these steps. And actually it's quite freeing once you do something you previously thought impossible to do. Right now, this behaviour has become second nature to me. And the advice I can give is pretty cliché but is really true at the same time. Stop caring that much what people you don't know will think of you.

LOL! So true!

That's been my experience. I find most people say "hi" back and we just keep going on our merry way. Sometimes we actually engage in a quick conversation. Seems like people who do respond appreciate the kindness (not enough of it these days). If they don't respond, that's no big deal either. Certainly their prerogative and has no bearing on my life either way.

I teach, so I'm constantly greeting kids and other staff members, some I know, many I don't (big school). I find the kids (high schoolers) seem to enjoy a little interaction with a friendly adult and they find me approachable because I give them a quick smile.

I don't think I've always been this way. When I was more depressed, I tended to want to fade into the woodwork, but by not looking up and smiling, I was also creating a very isolated world for myself. Felt safe I guess, but in reality it was just keeping me lonely and certainly not helping me in the long run. But I've been pretty healthy and stable for a few years now and with feeling better came that confidence to just look up and be pleasant. Interestingly enough, the people who tend to respond with the most relief and genuine thanks are the people who seem to really need a kind greeting at the time. Can't hurt to spread it around, right?

I think I've turned into my parents which isn't a bad thing. They are the kind of people who have never met a stranger. They demonstrated to us how to simply be pleasant and kind to others, even people we don't know. Some of it is a small town Texas trait I guess (I'm not in a small town anymore though, but it becomes a part of you.) My husband and I went on vacation in another part of the country a few years ago and found people to be not nearly as openly friendly; rather put-offish actually. Oh well, glad we live where we do. I do think certain areas even within the U.S. have a culture about them regarding how friendly a person "should" be with people they don't know. Seems rather unfriendly and isolated coming from my area though.

Two years ago, when I opened the topic, someone suggested I might have Asperger's Syndrome.

@ Pepi: do you think the idea of not caring what others might think of you was your motivation to do the eye contact (politely) in the first place, or it was the conclusion you reached?

What do you mean by acknowledging their existence? My paranoia is that people are thinking I am being impolite. Though no one has confronted me or showed any hostility toward me looking at them, still the idea is prevailing in my head.

The following is related to this topic indirectly. For the language part, when you say you don't speak the language well, does it mean that you cannot manage a conversation, or you can manage but you have an accent?

For me, the language is a problem when it comes to speaking to others. I can manage (i.e., I can deliver my message), but I have an accent, too. These two things, not speaking the language perfectly (not using the correct words+not using the correct grammar all the time), accompanied with an accent, is something contributing for me to be more isolated. Like when I buy a ticket for a movie, I think that all people are listening to me, and make fun of me in their heads (some did in my face), not because of my nervousness, but because of my language, which makes me nervous.

I don't feel nervous looking at people, but I am cautious not to look for too long or stare, because I don't like to draw attention to myself, and also you never know how the person is going to react when stared at.

I don't normally make eye contact with everyone I pass by, only if the person somehow raises my suspicion or curiosity when I spot them from a distance.

I think that to me the eye contact thing is kind of a "primal instinct", I think I subconsciously try to quickly study people to get that "first impression", maybe find out what they're up to or if they're friendly or hostile.

Hm I'd hesitate to diagnose people, especially online. I am a special Ed teacher and usually am pretty accurate in my observations due to years of experience, but there are many other reasons one might be shy etc

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I bet women like your accent. I am yet to meet a man who didn't like mine. lol Maybe because I live in multicultural area no one cares. Bet you people who might laugh speak only one language and you speak at least 2. Screw them

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I am sorry, what is special Ed?

For me, I prefer to think that I just need more effort than "normal" people to overcome my issues. That is why I think I use self-help books mainly, and haven't visited a therapist. I only once did because I had some focusing issues in my study, in which focusing and management were crucial, and I lack both.

I need to test this hypothesis.

The strangest thing is that non-native speakers have told me more than once that my English is very good. I speak English more comfortably with foreigners than with native speakers, and thus my English with foreigners is better because I am more relaxed to retrieve words and recall pronunciations more accurately. But also if I feel the native speaker is a patient and easy going person, I would speak good English.

Head upright, straight ahead, focused on a focal point or destination area. Will look a stranger in the eye if the situation serves me. Eyes might gaze around, but peripheral is better straight ahead. I'll look in windows or shiny metal to understand behind me. Gazing around can be a recipe for disaster depending on location...

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Teaching and case managing children with various disabilities, well mostly teenagers and adults, well anyone with disabilities age 5 to 26, but I prefer high school/ teenagers

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You clearly speak great English, judging by your writing. Stop putting yourself down. Seriously half the world speak languages that aren't their native. Imagine we all sat down with our mouths shut because we might make a mistake. Heck plenty of people make mistakes in their own languages! What about people who have speech impairment? Stuttering or lisp? They have obstacles too. Nobody is perfect. Unless you plan on announcing news on tv who cares if you don't speak perfectly. No one cares. In a large scheme of things it is not important.

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Imagine a person who looks at you and smiles. Now imagine a person who actively avoids looking at you. Which one is impolite?

I look at people because because I find it rude to ignore people. Besides, smiling at a stranger can brighten their day. I always feel kind of happy when somebody smiles back.

Oh yes, a light smile can be important. If you frown and look at somebody they might think that you don't like them or that you're looking for trouble. Think about the strangers that you remember from the past. Why did they stay in your memory?

I don't speak the local language well. I can read and understand most of the things I hear, but having a chit-chat is just a struggle. My vocabulary is not so good: I mess up the grammar and I often mix in words from other languages. When it comes to serious things (e.g. talking to somebody in a bank or in a hospital) I switch to English so that I don't miss out on some important information. Most people speak English pretty well here.

When I go to the UK or the US people usually notice I have an accent. They ask me where I come from and that often leads to a casual chat about traveling. Yes, having an accent can be a conversation starter.

Are people chatty where you live?

Yep. I wanted to make myself not care about what strangers on the street might think of me. People that I might never encounter in my life again let alone speak to. And looking people in the eye was one the small steps towards achieving this goal.

Jenny made a good point
Good point about conversation starters. People sometimes just want to talk. They themselves might be from somewhere else or their parents, so here is your conversation.

People are very chatty where I live and so am I. But I understand that if person is a bit shy then engaging in conversations with strangers is a struggle. It is not that easy for everyone.

Maybe make a plan of having one conversation with a stranger a day. Have a journal where you can record it. Say today you are going grocery shopping so you'll ask another customer in line about something in their shopping cart ( like if you wonder if that's a good item and you were thinking of buying it).

Tomorrow you'll ask a neighbor if they like their new car because you think you want the same kind? And so on. Start with small manageable goal

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If I am in a street, I would say I'd be indifferent if others look at me or not, unless of course some looked at me with contempt or stared at me. For me looking at others, however, is different, and is somewhat impolite in my mind.

My point from earlier threads, is that language could be a barrier. It could be a talk starter for extrovert people, but also could a talk barrier for introvert and shy people, like me.

I think people here are chatty, too. It is more about me, probably. In the last week I've tried to challenge myself to go to a coffee shop and order something and set there reading a book around people. For me, this is better than initiating a talk with a stranger. I am not there yet. I get nervous easily and become socially awkward, which makes me feel bad.

Oh good so you made progress already. Keep trying different things

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I look ahead and slowly around at my surroundings. When I see people I look them in the eye and nod to them with a small smile. They usually smile and or wave back. I feel this creates a connection between me and this person, even if only for that moment, and allows both of us to feel as though someone has acknowledged our existence.

I grew up in a household where I was rarely acknowledged and for a long time just looked at the ground while walking down the street. I didn't realize it until I started looking up that this only added to the frustration and isolation I have felt so often.

What's made you looking up after you were looking at the ground? What's changed? Is it the idea of acknowledging others and others acknowledging you?

I live in a smaller city, so I havent been conditioned to look down and noy make eye contact, which is what I always experience when I travel to NYC. I look all around, up at the sky, down at the sidewalk, at people... try to notice the beautifuk things around you like the light in the trees, in the buildings, cute dogs etc. Im a romantic so i love walking around people watching. If i ever come across someone intimidating I just keep my head up a bit higher and stare dead ahead, it seems to work haha.