[BNLsMOM]

I went on a first date with a guy yesterday and we hit it off really well. He seems stable, down to earth and very kind. I feel that I need to tell him about my bipolar because it won't be fair for me to let him fall for me and then just drop that bomb. I am afraid that he will reject me if I share. On the same note, I don't want to fall for him and then have him dump me because of the illness. I always thought that I should wait until the third date or so, but because we are texting between dates, we are getting to know each other and I think that accelerates the relationship a little.

What is your advice, do I write him an email and spill my guts? I am worried because I have to also disclose that my finances are horrible because of the illness and I am putting the pieces of life together, looking for steady work, but also possibly fighting off a depressive episode at the same time.

Do I put it all out there? And when?

[CANDC]

Hi BNLsMOM. I am glad you met someone nice.

One of the biggest problem in the world is stigma about MI. Everyone can have it no matter how nice they are, it is like prejudice.

So how do we with mental illness live in a world of people stigmatized by mental illness? Well one thing we can do is get to know other people so they will see how wonderful a person you are. Then when you have established TRUST you can maybe share that sometimes you get down. Maybe they do too. Then you can talk about things a little bit more if they are receptive.

To me, the put out the bombshell technique is an effort to hurt myself and my relationships so I don't do it. I tell people more here on Psych Central than other people in my life.

I say wait until you are getting questions from them and then tell them the minimum needed to answer their questions. MI is not contagious, we don't have to warn our partner. If you had a physical disease of the lower body, you might not discuss this till you have a strong relationship going.

[luvyrself]

If he is a good match telling him in a positive way will help. If not getting rid of a mismatch is good. Who needs the pressure? You won't really be together if he doesn't know. He wants a companion also! You have many fine qualities he can benefit from. If it's not a fit, it's not a fit and he would only drag YOU down.

I see threads with people asking similar questions from time to time. There never seems to be much agreement on what the correct answer it.

My suggestion would be to tell him that you have bipolar but not to discuss your money issues now.

I am in my 50s and consider myself post-relationships (at least for now), but this question came up a lot for me when I was younger.

One thing you can do is to imagine that you don't have mental health problems but have met someone who does. When do you think you'd want to know?

I know that I'd want to know right away. I'd want to person to mention it in the sense of "here's something about my life, something I struggle with" but not in the sense of "I'm telling you this in case you fall in love with me" (too much too soon).

If I met someone who had a chronic illness (psychiatric or medical) and I was interested in them, I'd do some reading about it.

Oh, you asked if you should e-mail him. I'd vote for something more casual - a one-sentence comment when you're with him - maybe something in context in a conversation you're having about something you do or don't do because you're bipolar (drink alcohol, stay up late, etc.)

He may ask more questions or he may not right then.

I agree that there's always the possibility of being rejected if you share. (I think that may be why people disagree about what's the right time to tell someone.)

Feel free to disregard any of the above - I think there really is no exact right answer to this question. Good intentions count for a lot, though.

[BNLsMOM]

All of these answers are valuable! I think that I just need to figure out the when and how of it. I believe in full and up front honesty because I have been hurt too many times by people keeping things from me. I think that real respect is telling the truth. I just don't want things and conversations to go too far before I bring it up.

I thought of saying something like, "There is something important about me that I would like you to know..." and go from there. I thought about writing it because I express myself far better in writing than I do in person. It also makes it easy to be less nervous about it and I will be less likely to stumble on my words.

I think I worry because everyone has the horrible dating stories of someone who seemed so wonderful and so together but turned out to be "crazy." I don't want to be in one of those stories.

We are mature adults, I am in my 40s and he is 50, so I hope that he would be able to see me for who I am regardless of the illness.

I am once again dating. I found a nice man who is kind and listens well. Now, just above in this thread I was reading something like I wouldn't say I'm going to tell you this because you like me, but that's what I told my date last night. He has said that he really likes me, and showing some affection. So I said "there's something I would like you to know, since it seems you like me a bit, I am on antidepressants and I was also in the past".. he nodded his head, we had dinner and later I asked him "did that bother you what I said' or something like that, and he said no, why would it? I just said that for a lot of people it would make a difference. He said it made no difference to him. So, there is always the chance of rejection and I've grown a lot, so I am okay with it if someone does reject me for it. I always look at it as we live in the present moment, the past is history. Honesty is the best thing, but for me, to establish some level of trust with someone first is important. You have to realize the other person could also have things they don't want to share either. When I first starting dating, I was telling everything way too soon, because I didn't want to hurt the person that might be having feelings for me. But that's life, some will end up getting hurt. Go with your own gut on how to approach it, the simpler the better I think. Best wishes to you.

[brainhi]

I agree to just be yourself. Show him who you are through your actions. You do not really get to start seeing the "real" person for months. I do not think it's necessary for someone to have that information about you... unless something concerning could happen (seizures, sleeping for days, manic ... and so on). Like someone else mentioned... you may find out that he is not what you thought he was - and he does not need to have private information - that many misunderstand.

This is meant to be a little funny... but how many men have I have heard say "she's crazy" when breaking up with someone or dissing a girl that peed them off?

[leomama]

If it's not a mental health disability and keeping you from working then I say you don't need to disclose. Now if he asked you to marry him that would be the time to disclose.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by leomama

If it's not a mental health disability and keeping you from working then I say you don't need to disclose. Now if he asked you to marry him that would be the time to disclose.

It has prevented me from working in the past and I am now looking for full time work because I am more stable (though not completely). I still collect disability at the moment. I don't want him to get the impression that everything is great and then find out that it is not.

[scatterbrained04]

I literally have just gone through this myself within the last month or so. Not telling was causing me a lot of anxiety. I guess I lucked out because he's got a couple mental health issues he was very open and honest about. So I just kind of said that I had something I needed to be honest about too.

I think you'll kind of know when the time is right. My opinion would be to tell him verbally though. If it's causing you anxiety to wait, then I would say something sooner rather than later. Any guy that likes and respects you will be ok with it.

[divine1966]

My BF has severe OCD and has Tourette's. Tourettes is visible but OCD isn't. He told me on a third date. It's non issue for me but I appreciated him telling me. Tell him

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[ChipperMonkey]

I think you should wait a few more dates. At this point he's not invested yet. He will judge your disorder before judging you as a person.

[LiteraryLark]

Being bipolar should be as exciting as revealing your star sign.

I don't let my bipolar disorder consume my life. I don't make a big production about revealing it, because I don't feel ashamed of it. I've never been rejected because of my illness, because I've never given anyone a reason to. I'm open about it, but people fall in love with me for who I am. I don't use my bipolar as an excuse to hold me back.

If you really feel obligated to force your bipolar disorder on to someone just because you're dating, then rethink your dating strategy. What exactly do you want someone to do with this information? Feel sorry for you? Take care of you? Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to tell everyone you meet that you have a mental illness. There is absolutely no obligation to do so.

[avlady]

i would think for myself i would want to know if a guy has a problem he would tell me about it, only because i've been in serious relationships where i didn't know what was going on and would always be second guessing about what was wrong when they were sick. it really doesn't matter to me if someone has an "illness" mentally, just like if someone had a pshysical illness. i would not turn my back on them. just saying

[leomama]

Then you can simply tell him you are not working and you are collecting disability, if you want to.

[divine1966]

My BF wanted me to know so I can understand certain behaviors. I am not bothered by his behaviors ( stuff like blurting things or obsessing or unable to do certain things or not being focused etc) because I know why he does it. Its good to know

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[yagr]

There are millions of undiagnosed people in the world, many of them with much worse mental illness issues than you. They don't tell perspective partners anything. There are a couple of issues I have with making any announcement.

There are many ways to communicate to him who you are. One of the best is to be yourself. One of the worst ways to describe yourself is using an emotionally charged, often misunderstood word like bipolar - especially because being bipolar isn't who you are; we're not our diagnosis!

On top of that, saying you're bipolar is a bit like saying that you're religious. Some religious people go to church once in a while. Some religious people fly into buildings or blow up abortion clinics. How can you quantify 'how' bipolar?

Incidentally, my wife was diagnosed as bipolar a couple of years ago - she's in her forties. Should I get a refund?

Lastly, maybe you are bipolar, maybe you're not. I know a lot of folks who have been diagnosed with one thing only to have another doctor reject the diagnosis and give them a different one. And then again. And again. I'd sure hate for you to misrepresent yourself...

My opinion is to just be yourself. He'll see the person you are and make his decision as to how interested he is from that. You know, the way people did it fifty years ago.

[Rose76]

This issue comes up quite a bit here at PC. My own feeling us that members are usually too open too soon about personal things like health issues and finances.

Right now, this guy seems "kind" and all that. You are thinking that you are "damaged goods" and that fairplay compels you to divulge that up front. The truth is that we're all damaged goods, whether we have a formal psych diagnosis or not.

If you don't know this guy well enough to see that he has some serious issues of his own (and he does because we all do,) then you don't know him well enough to trust him with very personal information about yourself.

Even if you tell him now that you have this psych diagnosis, he's not in a position, yet, to know what bearing that will have on the relationship. Not all bipolar people are the same. Until he knows you as an individual, he can't have any realistic idea of what a relationship with you will be like. You're not really giving him much useful information by saying, "I have this diagnosis." It would be far more informative to say, I've had trouble in relationships because I tend to have the following emotional reactions to interpersonal situations.

I strongly believe the term "mental illness" is thrown around way too lightly these days. Have you been diagnosed by an actual physician? Have you needed to be hospitalized? (Just ask yourself. You don't gave to answer me.) Some mood disorders are like cancer, and some are more like acne.

If your history of having a mood disorder tells you that you are likely to have bouts of exhibiting unpleasant behavior, then he is going to figure that out without needing a report from a psychiatrist. What counts is the behavior, not the diagnosis. Yagr, above, has put up an exellent post, re-reading.

So you don't want him to get the impression "that everything is great." Everything isn't great with anybody. Obviously, it is the good things that attract us to want to date someone. Dating is all about finding out if we can tolerate the not-so-good things. With time, those things become apparent.

Don't go sending him a written message about this. I would dump someone who did that, just because I think that's kind of creepy. Until you know more about the downside of this guy, you don't even know if he is someone you really want to be with.

Avoid physical intimacy, until you know each other a bit better, which takes time. I really believe most hurt feelings come from being rejected, after being physically intimate, when that intimacy was embarked on by two people who knew little about each other, but were looking for a quick fix for loneliness and horniness.

I met my now fiance online. We talked everyday for a month and then I disappeared. I had been put ip. When I got out we resumed talking but just said I was really busy for those 2 weeks was really sorry. He became a but distant at that point. A week or so goes by and no communication so I called him to thank him for his friendship and wish him well in life.

A few days later I got a text asking me to drive the 6 hours to see him. I was hesitant lots of what ifs. But I went. After spending about 9 hours talking sight seeing etc we are back at my hotel room eating pizza cuddling and I decided I needed to tell him about having bipolar.

I wanted to know if it was worth anymore time. So I started with explaining the real reason i went missing that I had been in hospital. He asked why of course so I told him I have this illness that Im medicated under doctors care and this illness is bipolar. I watch his face for clues. I said Im stable and definitely not dangerous or crazy. I asked him if he knew what it was and he said. This is no big deal hon, I have a friend with it.

Its been hard teaching him about it when I never know whats going to be from day to day. I know I made the right decision telling him that first night. He was able to deal with me right from the start and I didnt have to pretend or keep things in.

Six years later we are getting married. He has a good handle on my illness sometimes catching a mood swing before I realize it. Hes my biggest supporter and my rock of stability.

One other thing, I also am on disability had just started when we met. I explained I was unable to work and that taking me on wouldnt be easy. Maybe one day I will be able to go back to work idk but I know that divulging this information gave him the choice to run. He didnt.

You take a risk telling your story no matter when you chose to. Its in the delivery.

Whatever you choose will be right for you. My one request is dont send an email or text this is face to face adult conversation. Otherwise you look like youre afraid of your illness and that lack of confidence doesnt always bide well for a new relationship.

Sorry for the novella. Hope you gather something positive out of it.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I went on a first date with a guy yesterday and we hit it off really well. He seems stable, down to earth and very kind. I feel that I need to tell him about my bipolar because it won't be fair for me to let him fall for me and then just drop that bomb. I am afraid that he will reject me if I share. On the same note, I don't want to fall for him and then have him dump me because of the illness. I always thought that I should wait until the third date or so, but because we are texting between dates, we are getting to know each other and I think that accelerates the relationship a little.

What is your advice, do I write him an email and spill my guts? I am worried because I have to also disclose that my finances are horrible because of the illness and I am putting the pieces of life together, looking for steady work, but also possibly fighting off a depressive episode at the same time.

Do I put it all out there? And when?

There seems like no consensus on this, but my advice would be to say it when it feels like you should say it. I personally would say something before getting sexually intimiate with the person. If they have a problem with it, you both might want to have the opportunity to bail before it gets that serious. I met my current bf on OK Cupid and he told me really early on, like within the first few messages that he is a recovering alcoholic and has NPD. That caused me initially to say I wasn't interested in him romantically but I did want to ask him lots of questions about what it was like to have NPD. Lol, I'm horrible. He was cool and answered the questions and the conversation tapered off as they so often do online. A few months later he sent me another message and we hit it off. We have been in a relationship for over a year now. It took me a lot longer to tell him about my borderline traits that it probably should have, given how open he was about his dxes. All that is to say that to the right person, your ilness(es) will not be an issue.

The financial stuff I would wait to disclose until later. Only if you get married will that effect him so I think there's no need to get into all that. You don't know how his finances are either, I'm guessing!

[BNLsMOM]

So many different answers and experiences. I am gathering that there really isn't any one right answer.

One thing that I have decided is that it has to be an in-person conversation.

What I am learning about dating in modern times where there are so many ways to communicate, text, online dating, etc... that people can learn a lot about one another very quickly. We have already had a few very deep conversations about what we want and what our deal breakers are and we both agree that our biggest deal breaker is deception.

I feel it is only fair to let him know about my past, but I will do it in person. I think at this point, I don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't want to be with me if he knows about the illness. On the other side of the coin, I don't want to waste his time either. We have both alluded to having "baggage" and that we appreciate our partners to be direct and honest, so I think we can probably talk about it pretty openly at this point. Bipolar is a part of me, as if I had diabetes, or any other chronic disease as as long as I am not running around doing dangerous and risky things (I never have) then it shouldn't be any more than telling someone that I have some other illness and that I may have times that I don't feel well. I also happen to have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, so those will probably flare up from time to time.

When I was on medication, I had bad reactions to it and was hospitalized about 10 times because of side effects that made my mental symptoms worse. What I have learned about myself is that I need to keep trying, be gentle with myself and seek support.

I have had a hard time, but I am picking up the pieces of my life and am doing a lot better than I was before. I still have my blips and depressive times, but I am invested in my treatment.

I am also working with a therapist to figure out if my diagnosis is accurate. I was diagnosed very quickly and was placed on a large amount of meds which immediately launched me into a 5 year tail spin. Once I was taken off ALL medication, I enjoyed stability for a long period of time with a few blips on the radar.

I don't think he needs to know everything I went through, at least not yet, but I do think I owe him the courtesy of letting him know that I have this condition and that I am doing well.

I am nervous about talking about it, but as I said I don't want to waste anyone's time pretending if the illness is going to be a deal breaker.

[Rose76]

If you feel you want to share this information about yourself, I would support that. However, I strongly disagree that disclosing one's medical history and/or financial status is a "courtesy" that is "owed" to someone you have recently started dating. Be open, if you want to be open, about whatever you want to be open about. But do it because you want to, not because you feel there is some moral obligation to spill your guts. There isn't . . . not to someone you barely know. I don't care how much info you two have exchanged on-line, until you spend actual time in his presence, you do not know this guy. Ask yourself to start listing his faults and flaws. Can't think of any? Then there is a heck of a lot that you don't know about this man.

The fact that you say you are so nervous tells me that this is too soon, but go with what gives you peace of mind. The truth, IMHO, is that no one really knows what is or isn't a deal breaker, until they are confronted with the implications. People today seem to want a guarantee, or some way to foresee how things will go, before they even really get into a relationship. Life has taught me these two things: There's stuff I thought I could never put up with that I can tolerate or work with. And there are things I thought wouldn't bother me that I later found did bother me a lot and that I needed to get away from.

[ChipperMonkey]

I don't think you're seriously weighing the fact that there is a HUGE misconception about mental illness in the unaffected population. That is, you'll likely be fighting against this if you disclose too early. I mean I have PTSD....I hesitate to tell people because with all of the media coverage out there, people believe that PTSD people flip out and shoot everyone. Yeah, not exactly the image that I want to be putting forward. I know there are similar terrible misconceptions about most every other mental disorder out there. I don't think you owe it to anyone to disclose your mental health status, well no more then you owe it to someone to disclose that you have diabetes or any other physical health issue. I also don't think that non-disclosure equates with deception. Along these lines, if you don't spill your guts and disclose everything about yourself upfront, you're being deceptive. I think a better approach to take is to not entrust someone with private information until the other person has gained your trust. I know that the spilling your guts approach is oftentimes used (unknowingly) to test the other person and potentially push them away. I know I've done this in the past, and its why I don't disclose my disorder right off the bat. I'm not trying to be mean, but the world is indeed a cruel place for those who have a mental illness. We need to be extra careful about whom we tell what because it can indeed be used against us.

[Trippin2.0]

Keeping your health concerns private until a later stage is not the same as being deliberately deceptive.


Don't confuse privacy with deception.


Deception is the deal breaker, not the right to privacy.


I'm all for being up front and putting the cards on the table.

But in the same breath I want others to have an opinion of me before they form an opinion of me as a person with bipolar.


That's how I navigate the work force at least.... See my value as an employee and as a person, and oh yes, the real reason I need every Thursday off is because I attend therapy to help me cope with living with BP disorder.

[BNLsMOM]

A very interesting thing happened on our date last week. I had decided that if our conversation led to talking about my bipolar that I would let him know.
We were talking and he brought up the fact that he and just about everyone in his family has dealt with depression and he takes a low dose of anti depressant to help. So I felt comfortable enough to share a basic outline without big details of my own history of bipolar.
It worked out well.