[asylumgardens]

I have a very unhealthy relationship with someone, and it's been going on for 4 years. It goes from really great highs to really bad lows in no time.. and I think it's okay because those highs make me happier than I ever am any other time, but then the lows put me back into depression. Right now is a low. I know it's a bad relationship and I should just cut him totally out of my life.. and I have before in the past. I have gone several months without talking to him or anything, but I still think about him and miss him and crave talking to him and give in.. because I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what to do to just get over it once and for all.

[Direction]

Craving vs. Unhealthy

Hum...I can understand missing and craving for someone...I can understand the living through the lows because the good times are well good...right?

I guess it goes back to the idea that things or ideas are created twice...once in the mind...and once in physically

So start imagining yourself without him in your life more often...what would you do...where would you go...what hobbies would you have...etc...

I think the key is in your post...imagine

[Wants2Fly]

Okay, so you know this is dysfunctional.

Here's how my dysfunction worked. See if resonates for you: I found it exciting if a man kept me in a tailspin. This often involved his having a lot of girlfriends; if he was also desirable to other women, that meant that he was a prize for me to have, right?

Or, I'd choose to believe lies about why he was unemployed and pay the freight. Drugs and alcohol were often involved in his -- and probably my -- inconsistent, selfish, dysfunctional behaviors.

When I got myself straightened out, I had a huge attitude adjustment -- I realized that love does not require me to feel like I'm on a roller coaster, never know what to expect from the man, have to work hard to please him and keep him. I had a strange definition of love, and I was addicted to a bad kind of excitement.

It is hard for me to understand my old mind-set, but my inner wires definitely were crossed in the days when I thought that being in love = this sick kind of excitement.

Please work with a T, or go to al-anon or emotions anonymous, and keep going and going until you "get" it, whatever the particular "it" is for you -- and it may well be something different from my "it."

Best wishes for recovering from your addiction to this man.

[sabby]

(((((((((((((((((((( AG )))))))))))))))))))))))))

My daughter has been going through this same type of situation lately. It's so hard watching her go from high to lower than low in the relationship. I think finally, she is done with it but it took a long time and a lot of self searching.

What is particularly difficult is when you are feeling so low about the relationship and yourself, you wonder how you can survive without the other individual in your life no matter how bad or good it is. The best thing you can do for yourself is to turn your energy on yourself and work on your self esteem. Take your love and give it to yourself first before giving it to anyone else.

There are relationships that are toxic. And sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. (at least in your mind anyways) But that is far from the truth. One has to face the truth that taking care of yourself, being the number one priority, will put you in a better place and help you have healthier relationships in the future.

This is a time to take stock in what you have learned from the relationship and start applying it IRL. Watch out for the subtle hints that people give off to how they react and deal with life in general. I know it sounds like a lot of work, and it is. But I can guarentee you that when you have begun to make progress on yourself, things will begin to fall into place for you.

I wish you well and send you healing thougths and strength.

Hugssss
J

[asylumgardens]

Thanks all of you. I definitely don't really make myself a priority. I also have horrible self esteem, and I let him make my self esteem get even lower. I will definitely do the work it takes to get over this.

[sabby]

Thats the spirit AG!! I'm proud of you for admitting it and finding the strength within to better yourself. I think that any person who is in a toxic relationship and dealing with the highs and lows has low self esteem. They seem to know how to work us like a fine tuned piano...yet never letting up on the keys long enough for us to catch much of a breath.

We'll be here along your journey to listen and comfort when needed. I can't wait for when you get those "AHAH" moments and really see how much better you can feel in your process of taking care of YOU!

Wishing you all the best dear one!

Hugssss
J

[seeker1950]

AG...I can so totally identify with your situation, and you have been given a wealth of wise information and feedback by Direction, Wants2fly and Sabau. I can't add much to it other than to say that in my own experiences, my lack of self-esteem was a major factor in my staying in dysfunctional relationships, to which I was addicted! I think of it now as an addiction, and one which I must avoid. There really are healthy relationships to experience.
Patty

[Perna]

I remember when I had a boyfriend like that (only my "boy" friend was 20 years older than I was!) and despaired of what to do as I loved him and yet knew it couldn't "go" anywhere. He "fixed" it by breaking up with me and I had no choice. It was extraordinarily painful until new/better things took his place. I think that's the only thing that can help? You have to cut him off and substitute trying new things until something else "grabs" you. The trick is to be able to keep the faith/have enough hope to get to the "next" thing.

[Wants2Fly]

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sabau2 said:
Thats the spirit AG!! I'm proud of you for admitting it and finding the strength within to better yourself. I think that any person who is in a toxic relationship and dealing with the highs and lows has low self esteem. They seem to know how to work us like a fine tuned piano...yet never letting up on the keys long enough for us to catch much of a breath.

We'll be here along your journey to listen and comfort when needed. I can't wait for when you get those "AHAH" moments and really see how much better you can feel in your process of taking care of YOU!

Wishing you all the best dear one!

Hugssss
J

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What Sabau said. Good for you! Keep going! And do visit the Self-Esteem area when you feel up to it.