[Yismymindblank12]

Relationships for me is a wall, a wall that I can't get to other people's lives and be invited in, but the gate doesn't exist. I try to make one, but it's not a good effort. I get mad try to blow up the wall make them open up that doesn't work.
I give it the middle finger it may shake, but nothing else it shrugs me off.

I cry one block comes off for a moment, then quickly seals up.

It's a world where your feelings are never recognized the walls will close in on you pushing themselves on you suffocating your surroundings trying to crush you. You do everything to break everything to get them to away, because they got too close and in the end you always end up back where you started.

A cycle of just feeling that disconnected. You are the no mans land where people don't venture into they don't notice you when they pass by.

What soothes me is going outside either working out smoking hookah or getting high with strangers on very rare occassions.
At work I'll act out and be stupid make others laugh and put up a separate wall of my own.

I have two one to push everyone away making it hard and the people who get through know that wall is a joke and isn't doing a good job they see right through it, but the other one is a much subtle, but tougher one a wall where I'm not open I won't show anything, but my actions will show the real me of my best positive traits, but it will keep everyone weeded out I don't like and just push everyone who tries to be mean and pushy I push back harder. This one I fear the most when it combines with the first one.

I fear I let my loneliness warp my mind so much when I am in a relationship I feel like this person who go through hell for me, is unappreciated for and I would do things I would never do before and would be unjust. Hating myself that I hurt people when I didn't know what's going on.

I see a lot of times when I'm crying or at my worst I want someone just someone a warm body to lay there arms on me or a hand on my shoulder or back. Someone to kiss my forehead someone to wipe my tears someone to hug me when every time they see me again they hold on tight tell me I miss you.

I always picture it as a girl, I'm not yet romantically involved with, more someone before that stage something I've not experienced an intimacy like that ever.

I always have it play in my head every day every minute what I dream so badly what I wanted to feel that validation, not someone who just puts up with my **** someone to snap me out of it by any means necessary affectionate or tough love or simple words of encouragement. Someone to kiss me once or twice to get my head through that I'm here with you, your struggle is my struggle. Someone to fight for me that way, I always dreamed of that kind of committed friend she would never be afraid to tell me if something is wrong someone who if they feel all sappy like I am and when they know I'm in not in the mood to talk they aren't afraid to tell me, because I will listen regardless. I snap out of my **** when I know they aren't ok.

When I'm at my worst I will give the most to other people in kindness in return. I dreamed every day how this looks every second longing a person who is not mine in obsession possession just on their time. They make every second last for me in death they won't let me go and life. Someone who loves me at all my stages someone so dynamic who smiles a lot someone who has the maturity, but the maintains an innocence like I do someone who keeps a level of joint decision making with me because they want to not because they have to. Someone I would join in every project every love and passion they do I do it with them. We dance together try to sing together go on long car rides finding our way back home, hiking, climbing, and camping in the spring. Someone I see myself in adventures on every day in my life.

Someone who knows and gets it not ignores me like everyone in my life.

I want to be lonely with one other person it would help a lot. It's so specific, I'm not crazy about sex, silly dates, or even goals of any kind. I just want the time and company for the other person more than anything.
I longed for someone to bring me this part that is missing. I couldn't achieve it alone, to make up for the times I would convince myself this person loved me, but hitting me a lot spitting in my face screwing everyone else while with me and screwing me telling me I'm perfect for them when backstabbing me at the same time.

Telling me promises they don't care to keep just to shut me up, someone whose so cold they feel their world is the only one not open minded just ignorant willfully ignorant and will hurt everyone around them if they have to.

I'm so used to being an object something that I'm used as a guy. I see myself as a woman deep down, but that's for reason I like being a woman. Many days if I was a woman, I feel I could love better, because I wouldn't be shamed for what I'm feeling as much people would be drawn to it.
I many days wish this person save me to tell me I'm not crazy and it's not right what they did to you. They just clean my wounds not heal them, I'll heal them.

All my life, I needed that. I never got that. Dying at 16, I remember I saw everything break down around me my world literally dissappearing like I was launched into blackness. That feeling was exactly what I felt when my lung was going out not aware of my surroundings all to that point, not even caring I was almost dead from encephalitis. I felt happier when I was almost dead, because I lived my whole life with it sucked out of me. I always acted out so stubborn and so quick on everything not thinking about any of the consequences for me, I just jump in what I saw as an opportunity to make new friends a new gf every opportunity I found, but never took into account how they damaged so much. I already was broken before that point.

Like now I feel like that woman or child who was hit at yelled and hurting shaking in pain in shock and in fear that everyone is bad I don't know what to do. When someone comes up to me to be affectionate I feel the pleasure and the shock of always having some flash backs of someone shaking me hitting me and someone getting angry at me even if they aren't my flashbacks necessarily. Someone smacking me and punching me in a fury. That feeling that love will perceived feels like a threat more than an invitation to be accepted.

I have these unusual feelings if I was a woman, maybe I would be validated or if I was a child again they would listen and when I was a child I felt if I was an adult someone would listen to me I could do something. I guess that's what abuse did to me, being locked up in someone else's aggression and hate put out on me I was someone's toy feeling like an object not someone who had any worth it was a normal feeling to me. I would zone out when I had sex with my last two gf's. Feeling shocked, not knowing whether to run or zone out, I was told how sexy or handsome I am and when they touch me. I want to react by swatting their hand away, but I let them have their way and just feel disconnected and look like I wasn't interested and they get mad say I don't love them, but their right I didn't, because they didn't love me they couldn't get over their arrogant behavior of control. So tough love was violence and mental traumatic experiences to get me to love them and pay attention to them, because they felt I deserved it.

As a 22 adult now, the hopeless feeling I get me overwhelm me wanting to burn every bridge possible, because I never know when they will hit me too and hurt me the way others have in the past. Never knowing between a friend and a foe.

A lover or an enabler, an addict or an addiction, being a person worthy or an object to be used, never making sense if this is normal or not. If I love someone or do I want them to reject me because I feel that unloved. The desire they would notice my pain and not take part and tell me I want to help you not hurt you, talk to me about it, I don't want you to cry anymore. In my heart I dream of this so badly over anything. I feel if I don't have this just once my life was worthless it's no different from most people who led unloved lives not that those people or their lives are bad, they are empty they all know how much hell is to them and know they agree and feel the same if they can't get out of their own hell.

Feeling that this person was with me even then, in my own head I really believed when I die they will be waiting. This person was glued to me, whether I liked it or not and it's the best thing I could ever ask for.

That's what I've always have haunt me in my head what I wish for everyday.