[sdf9526]

I'm desperate for help, I feel stuck and like I have no options. And my background plays a huge role in this, I have ptsd, anxiety, depression and other issues because of sexual trauma at 4 years old. I've had horribly abusive parents and before my current relationship I was in an abusive relationship to where I had to go as far as getting a restraining order. I'm in therapy for all of this trauma and currently going to college full time. This is going to be long and I apologize for that.

My problem is my husband might be severely passive aggressive. I'm starting to think that I've overlooked some of these signs in the beginning of the relationship but I'm just so unsure, it's really dang hard to see this if it's even true because of everything I've been through, how I am, and how I never get sure communication from my spouse. When we first met, looking back, he never really talked about much, he seemed to just brush the surface of things and didn't communicate. When I met his family, they were the same way, none of them talked, it's like you're just there and everyone "guesses" what's going on. It was really weird to me because I communicate a lot and so does my family. There were a couple of incidents where he was extremely rude and sarcastic to me. One time his "best girl friend" said something about me, I didn't like it so I told my husband how I felt and he completely disregarded me and said that she’s just being a good best friend and I was shocked at how he defended her instead of even just simply understanding me as his spouse. He kept saying over and over that he wasn’t defending her and he wasn’t trying to and I told him but at the same time he wasn’t even hearing me he just disregarded me. I just got nowhere with that conversation. Another time where I got pretty upset was when he was really rude over something so small. He used to play hockey and I couldn’t go to one of his games because I had a college class at the same time of the game and I’ve gone to all of his games. So I just told him that I’m sad that I can’t go and that he’s going to go without me and he replied saying that he’s not going to just not go just because I’m not there. He said it with a tone and attitude and his body language at the time looked like he just didn’t give a care. He wasn’t even looking at me when he said that. Then I confronted him right then and there and he turned it around saying that he was just simply telling me and I don’t get that. He was so rude to me and it hurt my feelings. Another incident is when he told me to my face that some other man’s wife is pretty just like me and I had found out that the car he borrowed when he didn’t have his truck that was supposedly his guy friend’s car was actually the wife’s car and he and the wife and husband hung out a couple times before. And when I confronted him and asked him why he didn’t tell me it was her car he said because she doesn’t pay for the car and I was like but she’s the only one who drives it so it’s pretty much her car. It really confuses me the way he thinks. He also disregarded my feelings about what he said to me. When I told him how I felt about what he said, he said that he’d be lying if he said she wasn’t pretty and he said that really rudely also and I got upset then he turned it around and said that he thought it would be a good thing if he was telling the truth. I was shocked because he’s lied to me before and out of all of the things to be truthful about he chooses to be truthful about how pretty some man’s wife is instead of being truthful about other things that actually matter. The last thing that’s happened is that his family has kind of had a problem with me because my husband is supposedly “different” and doesn’t spend any time with them anymore and it’s like he’s a grown man, we live all the way across the country from them and he’s married now. It’s mostly his 30 something year old half brother who felt that way but were way younger than him, we’re in our early 20’s and his half brother is super immature. His half brother kept pressuring him to drink alcohol one time and my husband kept saying no but he kept pressuring him and when my husband didn’t give him his half brother blamed me for how my husband doesn’t want to drink anymore. And my husband didn’t say anything about anything and didn’t stick up for me at all, not once. His half brother was rude to me 24/7 spitting lewd sex jokes at me, keeping in mind that I’ve been raped before I didn’t like this and isn’t it just common courtesy to not do this to people you don’t know?, and he complained about things my husband did for me and how he spent all of his time with me and that it’s my fault. It got so bad that when we got married everyone had a problem with control. I don’t know them and had no connection to them and we’re all the way across the country and very busy and they got mad that my husband only told his mom and dad and no one else. We were SUPER busy, moving in and going to school and work and so many things. Then the girl friend of the half brother who no one really knows messaged me on facebook scolding me for how I didn’t tell anyone and she even claimed that my husbands mom was upset because no one told her, but we did tell his mom. So I’m guessing she just wanted to start drama because she always pushes marriage and kids on my husbands half brother and we got married before she did. So that’s just what I’ve concluded after everything I know about this. This even turned into a bigger problem where I finally said something about all of this and I said it nicely then the girlfriend called me names over text message and threatened me about how if I want to be liked and accepted by all of them I need to drop it and what a great impression I’ll leave on my husbands mom. Then the half brother joined in and started texting me out of nowhere I didn’t even have his number and called me names also and just went on and on until I blocked both of them. After all of this my husband didn’t really do anything and when I talked to him about it it’s like he didn’t really have an opinion about it. The later I found out he lied to me about his feelings and didn’t want to say anything to his family because he didn’t want to lose them. But what about me? I’m his wife and he couldn’t even stick up for me a little bit and he just degraded me pretty much.

All the time I feel like I never get a clear answer from him, I never know where he stands on something and he always just agrees with me. He’s said one thing and then said the complete opposite. I have ptsd and he does certain things that trigger me, I’ve asked him not to do those specific things, now every time he’s mad he does those specific things that trigger me and it shocks me!! I confront him and he just makes an excuse about how he’s pathetic and has problems and I’m just shocked that he would keep doing the EXACT things that I’ve asked him not to do that TRIGGER me. He never says he’s doing them on purpose and he just kind of beats around the bush with this. He also has a really nasty attitude sometimes and he seems vindictive in heated discussions, disregarded anything I say and when I cry and breakdown sometimes he laughs sarcastically at me. But when I confront him it’s like I get nowhere with it and he just agrees with everything I say and doesn’t do anything else. He also almost ever follows through with what he says hes going to do. He says he wants to change but he never does he says he’s going to do this and that but he hasn’t since day 1 and continues not to. He’s also tried to gaslight me before when he’s really mad, one time he said “**** you” over the phone and I said what did you say and he said that he just said **** but I told him that I heard him say “**** you” and he kept denying it until I started crying and getting upset and when I tried to tell him that I know what he said he sarcastically said “ok honey” in a tone that implies that I’m crazy or something. After awhile, I started to have rage attacks and anger outburst and I’m started to become depressed I don’t eat well anymore or workout I’m overly stressed and when he does this I start to have panic attacks. This is so unhealthy but I don’t get any direct clear communication with him nothing is ever resolved so feel like I don’t even know what is really going on. I’ve started think is this my fault? Like does my ptsd, panic attacks and anxiety cause him to be passive aggressive? I know to an extent that that’s not true but I’m having such a hard time just speaking up now about this to anyone because I was talking my college counselor about this and he said well maybe your husband feels like he’s walking on eggshells, and maybe he does but does that give him a reason to lie to me or treat me this way? And besides, he was like this from day one, I just didn’t notice it until now and it didn’t become a huge issue until now.
But what can I do and does what I’ve said about his behavior seem passive aggressive?

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you'll get more replies if you break up your writing into more paragraphs. Its hard to read a wall of text.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you dear.

I'm going to flat out say this, your husband and his family sounds like they have some serious issues, whether it be genetic or psychological. It sounds like this was the family dynamic that he was raised in, and I suspect that this is the way it is going to be unless you can get him into couples counseling and maybe him into therapy if he will go and open up.

Some people want to change, but don't know how; some are afraid of change; and some don't think that there is anything wrong.

I get being blind to reality by love, but when reality hits...

All I can say is that you have to look at y'alls history, and if words were spoken but yet broken, resentments are spawned, nothing's really changing, and your relationship is driving you crazy making your brand of MI worse, me myself would throw in the towel and chalk this up to naivety. He may not mean it, idk, but mental and emotional abuse can be unintended.

There needs to be consequences. He says he's going to change and he doesn't. That's because why should he if nothing happens? Like I'd tell my partner if they persist to participate or exhibit certain undesirable bahavioral traits that intentionally or unintentionally hurt me and they don't make an attempt to remedy them, then I'm going to mothers. Then do if nothing happens. This might be an eye opener for them because you mean business. If nothing changes, this will be an eye opener for you dear.

Personally, I demand respect because I give it. If anyone thinks that I'm bound to them and can treat me anyway they want....guess what will happen next.

I hope you find your peace and everything works out for you dear, it's such a hard thing to deal with, especially when it's with a loved one, to find a trait so endearing to turn and find out that it's more than you first thought.

Hopefully you can both get help for y'alls sake.

[sdf9526]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I think you'll get more replies if you break up your writing into more paragraphs. Its hard to read a wall of text.

I'm sorry, I was going to do that because I thought about this but I forgot :/

[sdf9526]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I'm sorry that this is happening to you dear.

I'm going to flat out say this, your husband and his family sounds like they have some serious issues, whether it be genetic or psychological. It sounds like this was the family dynamic that he was raised in, and I suspect that this is the way it is going to be unless you can get him into couples counseling and maybe him into therapy if he will go and open up.

Some people want to change, but don't know how; some are afraid of change; and some don't think that there is anything wrong.

I get being blind to reality by love, but when reality hits...

All I can say is that you have to look at y'alls history, and if words were spoken but yet broken, resentments are spawned, nothing's really changing, and your relationship is driving you crazy making your brand of MI worse, me myself would throw in the towel and chalk this up to naivety. He may not mean it, idk, but mental and emotional abuse can be unintended.

There needs to be consequences. He says he's going to change and he doesn't. That's because why should he if nothing happens? Like I'd tell my partner if they persist to participate or exhibit certain undesirable bahavioral traits that intentionally or unintentionally hurt me and they don't make an attempt to remedy them, then I'm going to mothers. Then do if nothing happens. This might be an eye opener for them because you mean business. If nothing changes, this will be an eye opener for you dear.

Personally, I demand respect because I give it. If anyone thinks that I'm bound to them and can treat me anyway they want....guess what will happen next.

I hope you find your peace and everything works out for you dear, it's such a hard thing to deal with, especially when it's with a loved one, to find a trait so endearing to turn and find out that it's more than you first thought.

Hopefully you can both get help for y'alls sake.

Thank you. He says he wants to change and to me it seems like he genuinely wants to change but doesn't know how or is stuck. He also is as willing as I am to go to individual and couples counseling. It's just hard at the moment because he's leaving overseas for awhile. I agree with everything you said and that's what I need to do I just haven't put my foot down because I struggle to do that :/

[healingme4me]

I'm lost on why would your counselor insinuate that it's your husband who is walking on eggshells? You're the one upset because he dismisses you and is rude.

Never mind that encourages "mind reading."

[sdf9526]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm lost on why would your counselor insinuate that it's your husband who is walking on eggshells? You're the one upset because he dismisses you and is rude.

Never mind that encourages "mind reading."

Probably because since I have all these issues and I get hostile when I feel like I'm being dismissed/disregarded that's why he said it. I'm only like this with my husband though but since my counselor said that I felt really guilty and then started to feel like it's all my fault but I know that's not the case.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by sdf9526

I'm desperate for help, I feel stuck and like I have no options. And my background plays a huge role in this, I have ptsd, anxiety, depression and other issues because of sexual trauma at 4 years old. I've had horribly abusive parents and before my current relationship I was in an abusive relationship to where I had to go as far as getting a restraining order. I'm in therapy for all of this trauma and currently going to college full time. This is going to be long and I apologize for that.

...

Nothing you're describing sounds passive aggressive. It sounds like he's pretty straight-forward generally. Sarcastic "ok honey" is passive aggressive but overall it doesn't sound pa to me. What you described makes it sound like he can't win, you want him to be honest with you but then you get angry and upset with him when he is. He doesn't look at things the same way you do and you get really upset about that and over insignificant things - who cares if it's the wife's car he drove or the husband's? It's nice that he has friends who help him out. It sounds like you are jealous? You mention his female friends several times in your post but nothing that sounds like an issue from his end.

It also, from what you are describing, sounds like you expect him to get into the middle of things he is not involved with and when he doesn't you say he's not "standing up" for you. I don't know if this is the situation but you talk about his brother's girlfriend messaging you and facebook and texting you, and then get mad when your husband doesn't "stand up for you" but why are you expecting him to get involved? That's just going to add to the drama and make things worse. Stop talking to his family members, set some boundaries. You live across the country, they should not be a daily part of your lives, especially as dysfunctional as they sound. If it were me, I'd have blocked the brother's gf on facebook and on my phone so she couldn't text or call me.

The gaslighting and purposely triggering you is really abusive behavior, more overtly aggressive than passive. That is not ok, but I agree with your counselor on this. It sounds like you want to put all the blame for all the problems on your husband and his family and not take any responsibility for your part in it. That doesn't make his lying ok, or his abusive behavior, but you also talk about flying into rages like it's his fault and you don't seem to see that you behavior is really problematic too. I think he could benefit from seeing a therapist if he isn't already and you should see someone together for couple's counseling as well. I think communication isn't really the issue, and it's going to take professional help to sort it all out.

Originally Posted by sdf9526

One time his "best girl friend" said something about me, I didn't like it so I told my husband how I felt and he completely disregarded me and said that she’s just being a good best friend and I was shocked at how he defended her instead of even just simply understanding me as his spouse. He kept saying over and over that he wasn’t defending her and he wasn’t trying to and I told him but at the same time he wasn’t even hearing me he just disregarded me.

In a serious relationship/marriage, no one else should come first before the partner/spouse.

It seems to me (from what you told us) that there is way too much external interference on your marriage, and also that perhaps your husband is not able for married life. I think that he might need to grow up a bit and get his priorities right.

Considering everything you're already going through, I don't think that this relationship between you and him (plus his family and friends) is helping on your recovery, not at all.

He's not going to change to accomodate you and your needs, his family and friends won't do that either, and you'd be fooling yourself if you thought that would happen one day.

That's my opinion.

[sdf9526]

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

Nothing you're describing sounds passive aggressive. It sounds like he's pretty straight-forward generally. Sarcastic "ok honey" is passive aggressive but overall it doesn't sound pa to me. What you described makes it sound like he can't win, you want him to be honest with you but then you get angry and upset with him when he is. He doesn't look at things the same way you do and you get really upset about that and over insignificant things - who cares if it's the wife's car he drove or the husband's? It's nice that he has friends who help him out. It sounds like you are jealous? You mention his female friends several times in your post but nothing that sounds like an issue from his end.

It also, from what you are describing, sounds like you expect him to get into the middle of things he is not involved with and when he doesn't you say he's not "standing up" for you. I don't know if this is the situation but you talk about his brother's girlfriend messaging you and facebook and texting you, and then get mad when your husband doesn't "stand up for you" but why are you expecting him to get involved? That's just going to add to the drama and make things worse. Stop talking to his family members, set some boundaries. You live across the country, they should not be a daily part of your lives, especially as dysfunctional as they sound. If it were me, I'd have blocked the brother's gf on facebook and on my phone so she couldn't text or call me.

The gaslighting and purposely triggering you is really abusive behavior, more overtly aggressive than passive. That is not ok, but I agree with your counselor on this. It sounds like you want to put all the blame for all the problems on your husband and his family and not take any responsibility for your part in it. That doesn't make his lying ok, or his abusive behavior, but you also talk about flying into rages like it's his fault and you don't seem to see that you behavior is really problematic too. I think he could benefit from seeing a therapist if he isn't already and you should see someone together for couple's counseling as well. I think communication isn't really the issue, and it's going to take professional help to sort it all out.

Okay...um...so its my fault that he's not honest with me about something because I get upset because its perfectly normal to be getting upset about it? Hello! He's not honest sometimes BECAUSE what he has to tell me is something that ANY ONE would get upset about and if he can't handle the fact that I'd be upset that's just unfair. There's not excuse not to be honest.

So the reason why he wasn't "standing up for me" to his family is because HIS WHOLE family was involved not just the girlfriend, ALL OF THEM, had an issue about us and the decision we made and his half brother decided to join in and do the same thing his girlfriend was and then the mother so all these people coming at me like that and my husband doesn't really do anything when it's HIS family and they're coming at ME telling me that I should be the one to tell them that we got married when I DONT KNOW ANY OF THEM OR HAD ANY OF THEIR NUMBERS AND DONT HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING and so my husband should be defending me and OUR MARRIAGE.

Maybe I mention his friends that are girls a couple of times because he chose some girl best friend over me and completely disregarded my feelings about it when I tried communicating with hiim about how I felt. THATS NOT RIGHT AT ALL. NO **** its not an issue with him? Why would that be an issue to someone who used to have double standards and does see anything wrong with treating your girlfriend like **** and choosing some girl best friend over her? NO ****.

EVERYONES behavior is problematic at this point. Seriously? Just because Im VERY up front and direct about everything especially with his family, does that mean that they should've been criticizing every decision we make and OVERSTEPPING boundaries SINCE DAY ONE? NO. My behavior isnt the problem here, my behavior may be a problem AFTER the fact that someone does something like crossing boundaries with my marriage, but it is not what started this whole thing. Am I supposed to sit by quietly and be okay with how they treat me and go visit them with my husband and keep my mouth shut? No, I'll say what I want and I don't want anything shoved under the rug so I'll cut people like that out of my life.

My husband didn't defend me against his family when he should have and that is the case here. It wasnt just the stupid girlfriend it was his MOM his halfbrother and now his sister also who were all targeting me and pretty much telling ME what to do with our marriage and what I SHOULVE done with it and how to do things which is SOOOO disrespectful and OUT OF LINE and my husband SHOULD have stood up for us.

I never implied or said that my rages are his fault. They arent his fault!? But the fact that I have to deal withe everything I have to deal with on top of all the **** he put me through is enraging. It not being his fault doesnt change that fact.

[sdf9526]

Originally Posted by BuildABridge

In a serious relationship/marriage, no one else should come first before the partner/spouse.

It seems to me (from what you told us) that there is way too much external interference on your marriage, and also that perhaps your husband is not able for married life. I think that he might need to grow up a bit and get his priorities right.

Considering everything you're already going through, I don't think that this relationship between you and him (plus his family and friends) is helping on your recovery, not at all.

He's not going to change to accomodate you and your needs, his family and friends won't do that either, and you'd be fooling yourself if you thought that would happen one day.

That's my opinion.

Honestly that's not JUST your opinion it's the TRUTH! There's a right and wrong for almost everything and in this situation that's not just an opinion it's the truth, I don't believe in so many different perspectives, I can see all of them but there's only a few truths and rights/wrongs to a situation.

That's the thing. He has not put much effort into accommodating me at all or compromising to meet any of my needs or wants and when it came to his family after everything they had said to me and HIM also he lied to me about how he felt and he still wanted to keep them in our life and he totally disregarded about how I would feel about that. Keep in mind, his mother, half brother and sister and the girlfriend were all involved in this and they did and said some very nasty things to both of us.

Why would it be my fault that they criticzed our decision to get married and not tell them (he only told his mother and father) only because were all the way across the country and VERY VERY busy. Since day one they have done nothing but complain about everything hes done for me and how he spends all of this time with me when we were there visiting them, they did nothing but blame me for how he's "changed" and how he spends all of his time with me when that was HIS decision! He does what he wants and spends time with who he wants!

THAT is exactly why he should have defended me and our marriage against his disrespectful family.

It's been 3 months since you originally made this thread, and I assume things are still pretty bad for you. Really, the time to wonder what his problem is, is over. Now it's time you take care of yourself.

Of course leaving may seem like quite a radical solution, but in your situation, I think that at this point, marriage counselling is out of the picture.

Measure up how much you love your husband, and put the result against how much distress this relationship is causing you, day after day.

Then ask yourself the following questions:

1) Is there any chance he will turn into a proper husband and stand for his wife no matter what?
2) Is there any chance that his family and friends will ever back off and cease interfering on your marriage and controlling his life?
3) Is there any chance that, if 1) and/or 2) won't come true, that you will be able to manage this relationship well and live a healthy life?
4) Is this really worth all the trouble, and all the harm that this is doing to both your physical and mental health?

Also:

5) Should you decide to leave, do you have family or friends that would offer you support until you get your life back on track?

Again, that's just my opinion, based on what you told us. I don't want in any way to steer you this way or that way, but I think that your mental health is suffering greatly from all that psychological abuse. And how much more of that do you think you can take?

I wish you all the best.

Originally Posted by sdf9526

Honestly that's not JUST your opinion it's the TRUTH! There's a right and wrong for almost everything and in this situation that's not just an opinion it's the truth, I don't believe in so many different perspectives, I can see all of them but there's only a few truths and rights/wrongs to a situation.

That's the thing. He has not put much effort into accommodating me at all or compromising to meet any of my needs or wants and when it came to his family after everything they had said to me and HIM also he lied to me about how he felt and he still wanted to keep them in our life and he totally disregarded about how I would feel about that. Keep in mind, his mother, half brother and sister and the girlfriend were all involved in this and they did and said some very nasty things to both of us.

Why would it be my fault that they criticzed our decision to get married and not tell them (he only told his mother and father) only because were all the way across the country and VERY VERY busy. Since day one they have done nothing but complain about everything hes done for me and how he spends all of this time with me when we were there visiting them, they did nothing but blame me for how he's "changed" and how he spends all of his time with me when that was HIS decision! He does what he wants and spends time with who he wants!

THAT is exactly why he should have defended me and our marriage against his disrespectful family.