Right now I'm depressed again as a woman that I met in a meetup group that I became friends with seems to be avoiding me. I could be wrong about this, and hopefully I am. I didn't do anything wrong. Anyways, I'm married, and she is going through a divorce that she initiated.

I met with her one on one a few times. Since I'm shy and introverted, it took me months to get up the courage to ask her if she'd like to see a movie outside of the group. I found out that we're both shy even though she doesn't seem shy to me. We also like some of the same types of movies and music.

I wished her a happy B-day back in June. She never thanked me for that. She then emailed me out of the blue explaining that she was having issues with friends and that she wasn't feeling social, but that she doesn't mind seeing me at the meetups. I then told her that I'm sorry to hear that and if she needed to talk to someone, then she could call me. I gave her the space she needed for sure.

Well, after I RSVP'd for one movie meetup, she cancelled on going to that one. It wasn't as if were going to try to bother her with questions, as I never did before. Also, when I cancelled going to a movie a few days ago, she then went to the movie with the group! Is that weird or what? Why would she say that she doesn't feel social, yet hang out with the group when I'm not around?

I'm hurt by her bizarre behavior. Or is this just a weird coincidence? I did make the mistake of telling her a couple of personal things, and she did too, not that I cared or judged her for that. I did tell her about a few of my friend issues, and she seemed listened to me and gave me some advice.

She always did most of the talking though. She was also trying to quit drinking and started to go to A.A meetings. She told me the last time that I saw her that she can meet me in mid July. That never happened. She then said that she can now see people for who they really are or something like that.

Is it just me she's avoiding or could this be something else that doesn't really have anything to do with me personally? I find this to be a little bit to much of a coincidence. If I see her again, I'll be polite, but I sure as hell won't try to sit next to her or ask her about anything personal if she doesn't bring it up.

What should I do if I see her again? I don't get how people can go from being open and willing to be friends with someone to cold and distant so suddenly. Did I do anything wrong? I don't think that I did. Perhaps she only needed me to listen to her for awhile since she didn't have that many friends, and maybe that once she found a sponsor, she no longer had a need for my so called friendship? People are so weird at times!

[divine1966]

She clearly isn't interested in being friends. There is nothing that you did wrong. I would move on and fogey about her. Maybe she wanted to give it a try and that didn't work. She maybe doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she says she isn't social. Oh well. That's life. Bet you there are other people you can connect to in meetup groups

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Originally Posted by divine1966

She clearly isn't interested in being friends. There is nothing that you did wrong. I would move on and fogey about her. Maybe she wanted to give it a try and that didn't work. She maybe doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she says she isn't social. Oh well. That's life. Bet you there are other people you can connect to in meetup groups

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Thanks, that's what I thought too. I can't think of a single thing that I did or said that would've made her not want to be friends with me other than the fact that I told her about a few of my friend issues. That was a mistake!

Of course, I did not mention a thing about my depression or anxiety! I don't get why she'd say that she does NOT mind seeing me at the meetup group, but then she seems to be avoiding me like the plague. I didn't email or call her after I told her that I was sorry to hear about what she's going through, and that she could talk to me if she wanted to. I didn't bother her at all.

Also, I was nice enough to give her a few small gifts from a trip my husband and I recently took a few months ago. She seemed happy that I thought of her and she told me that it made her feel cared for. BTW, she grew up in a dysfunctional family, so she might have issues getting close to people, idk. She was never close to her mom. This is a pattern that I've noticed with former friends, they all had and still have issues with their mom and they were never close to them. Does this kind of affect how they relate to other women as adults? None of those women had many female friends. A couple of them were close to their fathers though.

I don't get why she'd say that and then try to seemingly avoid me. That's so weird! Can anyone explain that weird behavior to me? Why say things that you don't mean? BTW, a good friend of mine said that with all that she's going through, friendship is not on her list of priorities, and another one said that she was being sincere and polite in letting me know that she needs space. Does anyone else think that her behavior is weird?

[divine1966]

As my t says it is a waste of time and energy trying to figure out why people do what they do. Most of the time you not going to get the answer. So just focus on yourself and your actions and feelings. I know it is not easy but I think it is a good strategy

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Thanks, that's true, but to try to seemingly try to avoid me as IF I were really a bug or whatever is just pretty bizarre to me IHMO. It's not as if I'd try to talk to her or ask her why she hasn't been emailing me. Since I didn't bother contacting her after that one email, then there is no reason for her to assume that I'd even try to be anything but polite to her after receiving that kind of email.

[divine1966]

It is bizarre but people do bizarre things all the time

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[scorpiosis37]

Her behavior really doesn't seem bizarre to me. It seems like, for whatever reason, she is not interested in socializing with you but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she is making excuses. People do that all the time. People don't like confrontation, so they make up little white lies to avoid saying: "I just don't want to hang out with you." It's not that you did something wrong; she just doesn't think you're compatible as friends. People are so quick to label others as bizarre or try to label them as mentally ill when they simply don't want to be friends or they don't want to date. Someone is allowed to simply not be interested! It doesn't mean they have "issues"; it just means they aren't interested.

Sounds like she simply isn't interested in being close friends and it's nothing personal. xo

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Her behavior really doesn't seem bizarre to me. It seems like, for whatever reason, she is not interested in socializing with you but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she is making excuses. People do that all the time. People don't like confrontation, so they make up little white lies to avoid saying: "I just don't want to hang out with you." It's not that you did something wrong; she just doesn't think you're compatible as friends. People are so quick to label others as bizarre or try to label them as mentally ill when they simply don't want to be friends or they don't want to date. Someone is allowed to simply not be interested! It doesn't mean they have "issues"; it just means they aren't interested.

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I see what you're saying. At least she had the guts to give me that hint- Most people just stop talking to the person that they're no longer interested in being friends with sometimes, even close friends- If I do see her again, I'll just say hi and be polite, but like I said, I'll sit elsewhere as I doubt that she'll feel comfortable sitting next to me, and vice versa. This sucks as I really did think that we had a few things in common, and she seemed cool and open. I'll never really get people-

Originally Posted by rainyday107

Sounds like she simply isn't interested in being close friends and it's nothing personal. xo

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Yeah, I can see that very clearly now- Oh well, it's her loss as I'm a loyal, caring, and nice person.

[A Red Panda]

It sounds like she hasn't been in the right mental space to want to form new friendships. That happens! Sounds like she's focusing on other things.

She might not have intentionally avoided you with the whole movies-thing. Plans and moods can change last minute! Groups are a lot easier because you can be social, but not really have to open up any.

But yeah. She isn't wanting to make new friends, and she's trying to tell you that gently. Who knows if it's something about you, or if it's just because of where she is in life. If you were to ask, she'll say it's where she is in life (as she's already sorta said that) and you'll just continue to doubt it. So there really isn't a point asking.

Don't give up on making friends though, there's definitely people out there who you would have a good friendship with!

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

It sounds like she hasn't been in the right mental space to want to form new friendships. That happens! Sounds like she's focusing on other things.

She might not have intentionally avoided you with the whole movies-thing. Plans and moods can change last minute! Groups are a lot easier because you can be social, but not really have to open up any.

But yeah. She isn't wanting to make new friends, and she's trying to tell you that gently. Who knows if it's something about you, or if it's just because of where she is in life. If you were to ask, she'll say it's where she is in life (as she's already sorta said that) and you'll just continue to doubt it. So there really isn't a point asking.

Don't give up on making friends though, there's definitely people out there who you would have a good friendship with!

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You're right about what you said. At least she had the guts to tell me that which I appreciate instead of just ignoring me. I don't know why I always have such a hard time making female friends. It's really taking a toll on my self esteem! Although I managed to make one new friend, and I'm talking to one online one that I might be able to meet soon, it seems as I'm doing most of the work and that other people just aren't that interested in me for whatever reason it seems like.

That makes me feel really depressed at time and I can't help but feel as if there is something wrong with me. I can't always be meeting the wrong people now! Ugh! I'm almost on the verge of giving up for good if these new friendships don't work out! There is only so much rejection a person can take, especially when depression and anxiety is involved!

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

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You're right about what you said. At least she had the guts to tell me that which I appreciate instead of just ignoring me. I don't know why I always have such a hard time making female friends. It's really taking a toll on my self esteem! Although I managed to make one new friend, and I'm talking to one online one that I might be able to meet soon, it seems as I'm doing most of the work and that other people just aren't that interested in me for whatever reason it seems like.

That makes me feel really depressed at time and I can't help but feel as if there is something wrong with me. I can't always be meeting the wrong people now! Ugh! I'm almost on the verge of giving up for good if these new friendships don't work out! There is only so much rejection a person can take, especially when depression and anxiety is involved!

I hope you don't give up for good, I've also not found it easy to build closer friendships with other women despite trying hard, but I think it really is 'mud on the wall'. It's about shrugging off experiences such as this, not building hopes up too high too early, and putting yourself out there - growing a thicker skin helps too.

I haven't given up but have eased back a lot on my expectations, I have a lot of casual contacts and continue to be open to new ones, maybe some of them will develop maybe not. I don't beat myself up over it anymore.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I hope you don't give up for good, I've also not found it easy to build closer friendships with other women despite trying hard, but I think it really is 'mud on the wall'. It's about shrugging off experiences such as this, not building hopes up too high too early, and putting yourself out there - growing a thicker skin helps too.

I haven't given up but have eased back a lot on my expectations, I have a lot of casual contacts and continue to be open to new ones, maybe some of them will develop maybe not. I don't beat myself up over it anymore.

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Sorry that I missed responding to you! I tend to be very forgetful. And easily overwhelemed. Anyways, you're right about what you said. I guess that I just need to not get my hopes up to soon right away and scale way down on my expectations too. Sometimes I can't help but feel as if there really is something wrong with me to continually deal with this constant rejection.

And it upsets me to how I normally have to be the one to keep a friendship going. Ugh! It's so annoying! I really do feel like giving up if things get any worse. Making friends shouldn't be this hard or require so much effort on my part! Not that I try to hard to make friends! It just seems like a lot of work and game playing is involved, and it sucks!