[Hedgeleaf]

I've been seeing a guy for a few months and last night he said if he's not met my family in a year he's going to leave.

I did post another thread recently about him putting pressure on me etc etc

I'm happy how we are. I have a child too so don't want to rush anything at all!

I'm really upset and now I feel I don't want the relationship at all with him he is going at a totally different pace than I am

[Bill3]

On the other thread yagr pointed out that the way that this issue plays out can well be indicative of the issue resolution styles you both bring to the relationship. What do you think about being in a relationship with a person who resorts to an ultimatum at this stage of the discussion?

To what extent has be demonstrated an interest and concern for your perspective on this issue?

It seems to me that the ultimatum complicates the situation quite a bit. Now if you allow him to meet your family he can conclude that you capitulated. He can conclude that in the future he should use ultimatums or other forms of threats to get what he wants.

You might want to read a bit about emotional blackmail.

http://outofthefog.website/top-100-t...onal-blackmail

[TishaBuv]

When he says your family, does he mean only your child, or is he referring to others?

I wouldn't like his style of giving you the ultimatum. You can assume this is the first of many.

I read your other posts. Is it possible he moves in so quickly because he uses women for a place to live? Is that why he's giving you the bum's rush?

Stick to your guns. Protecting yourself and your child is #1.

I'd discuss negotiating tactics with him and how I didn't like the pressure and nip that in the bud. I hope you can work things out and he is worthy of meeting your family and being part of your life.

[~Christina]

I would not tolerate this from someone. I was a single Mom and dated here and there and a few guys got upset that I only had X amount of time available to see them. When my daughter was with her Father. I was not going to be introducing them to my daughter anytime soon and meeting my family? Umm No.

If someone pushes you and you concede , then I would imagine as others have stated.. This could easily be his " go to" solution when you might disagree on anything.

Please dont allow someone to pull this nonsense, especially only a few months into a relationship no less . No No No

[Hedgeleaf]

Thanks for all the replies.

We have spoken and he said he didn't mean it and said he wants to compromise and says he'll lower his expectations.

I don't think I'm what he wants

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Hedgeleaf

Thanks for all the replies.

We have spoken and he said he didn't mean it and said he wants to compromise and says he'll lower his expectations.

I don't think I'm what he wants

Never mind if you are what he wants, how about is he what you want?

He'll "lower his standards"? What's that supposed to mean?

He'll compromise? On what exactly?

If any man expects to meet my dysfunctional father anytime soon, I question why? What, ya don't believe me? What 'ya trying to fix things and place it into a nice neet little box? What gives?

As far as meeting my sons...this fictitious man better be as committed as it gets....

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Why exactly don't you want to introduce him to your family? Others opposed the idea, but for me, it would be very important meeting my partner's family. I assume you met his already, didn't you?

[divine1966]

I don't like ultimatums but one year is reasonable. If someone doesn't want me to meet his family over s year, it's fishy. Unless there is more to the story.

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[Hedgeleaf]

Originally Posted by Nickname

Why exactly don't you want to introduce him to your family? Others opposed the idea, but for me, it would be very important meeting my partner's family. I assume you met his already, didn't you?

I'm not ready.

I need to be entirely 100% happy and secure in the relationship before that happens. I asking have a child to think about too

[Bill3]

You will know if/when you are ready.

[divine1966]

I agree about waiting. I prefer to wait too but a year does seem reasonable.

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[Bill3]

I agree about waiting.

I am glad that you were able to speak with him about his ultimatum. Even so, it worries me that he chose to resort to an ultimatum eight months in advance. I wonder if he has difficulty controlling his anger or listening to others.

[Hedgeleaf]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I agree about waiting.

I am glad that you were able to speak with him about his ultimatum. Even so, it worries me that he chose to resort to an ultimatum eight months in advance. I wonder if he has difficulty controlling his anger or listening to others.

How did you know lol

He doesn't listen and I think he has anger issues

[Bill3]

He doesn't listen and I think he has anger issues

What do you like about him?

[Hedgeleaf]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you like about him?

How did you know he may have other issues?

When were together and things are good they are good. He's kind and caring and generally very happy

[JustJenny]

Do you love this guy?

If I was dating somebody who had no intention of introducing me to their family I would conclude that they don't really want me in their life. Do you want him in your life? Is there anything that is seriously concerning you?

[divine1966]

Are you legally divorced from your ex? If a men wouldn't want me to meet his family for long I'd think he might be still married?

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Originally Posted by Hedgeleaf

I'm not ready.

I need to be entirely 100% happy and secure in the relationship before that happens. I asking have a child to think about too

100% would need forever. I don't think things work this way, at least not for me. You are making him suspicious, by the way, by doing this. If you have a story, he will eventually know it. Meeting family tells a lot about the person, especially in large cities where tracking people history isn't easy. Even if your relationship is not good with your family for any reason, I think he needs to know why, like if they are mean and bad people and alcoholic .... etc.

It seems to me that you two have different views of the relationship; he seems to want to take it to the next level, but you are not. I think you need to talk about this. I know you like to hear people support you, but him meeting your family isn't a compromise, it is a part of an evolving relationship.

[TishaBuv]

I think your inner voice is telling you are not going to commit to him. That's your reason for your reluctance.

From your other post, it looks like you are just finalizing your divorce.

[divine1966]

If you aren't divorced then perhaps that's why the hesitation. Does he know you are still married?

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[Hedgeleaf]

There is nothing hidden from him. He knows about my situation with the divorce etc. My parents and family are normal and we have a very good relationship

I am just not ready to move it to that part just yet, I'm happy where we are

[Bill3]

How did you know he may have other issues?

From your previous posts I thought that he was not a good listener; it seems he wants to have things his way, now. In addition, i thought that the ultimatum was quite unreasonable 8 months in advance and therefore i figured that he said it in anger.

[divine1966]

I wonder if you aren't ready for serious relationship since you aren't completely done with your marriage, he might be sensing it.

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Originally Posted by Hedgeleaf

There is nothing hidden from him. He knows about my situation with the divorce etc. My parents and family are normal and we have a very good relationship

I am just not ready to move it to that part just yet, I'm happy where we are

I understand your side, but I am also trying to understand his. You don't want him to meet your family, not yet, but he wants to meet them. So, if you want him to respect your wish, then he will ask you to respect his. Saying you are happy with things as they are mean you are not willing to take it to the next level, as probably he is thinking. Anyway, you can talk with him, and reach to an agreement that satisfy both of you. Good luck