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Hey, Ok Ill try to sum up the whole story so you know simply the beginning and end and stuff.
near the start of my other mental illness problems I ended up in hospital, the 2nd or third time I met a girl, usually I don't spend my active time looking or even bothering with a gf, but she was different (looking at it now, maybe too different ha ha) but anyways she caught my attention, I guess I liked her because she was the first person to respond in kind to my advances and jokes etc; at first she said she was bisexual and I didn't think anything of it. We got out of hospital and I began to drive her around and introduce her to my family and I been to her house a couple times. One thing I must say is I don't know whether I don't trust her, or I just generally don't trust anyone as a rule. I couldn't trust her, but I did become vulnerable and a bit naive for her. When we hung out one day she would say weird things like I feel people were following her and stuff...then she also told me she was raped by her brother, this caused me to think she was only gay because she felt safer and more love from a girl. anyways after being used for transport by her I grew tired of it. I was used and convinced into many stupid things by my last Not-so-much friend into stuff like smoking and drinking for that first time. anyways near the start I was happy and high (naturally)...but she wasn't willing to treat me with fairness, She started to use me to drive her places, one day I said I liked her and wanted her to be my gf, but she said she was gay, initially I thought she was lying and I was pissed off, I drove her home in rage (I know I know, I was young) anyways that was the second last time I seen her then, but for the last time then, she asked on the phone to go to the hospital...again...I was busy and didn't want to take her again (she had diabetes) I thought she was using that as an excuse to hang out with me, I know it sounds stupid but thats what I thought at the time, anyways I tried to tell her to get an ambulance as I was busy and the car was playing up because she used to make fun of how slow I drove with her in the car so I ended up revving the **** out of it till it blew up. anyways she broke off contact, a few days/weeks after that I get a call from one of her "girl" "friends" yelling at me wanting to "get me" or some ****. Anyways I told her the truth. I didn't **** her around or anything and the only **** she got was from family, like her brother and uncle etc;....I didn't get in contact with her for a while, like 1-2 years or so, I felt bad, like did I do the wrong thing by not taking her to hospital again? I ended up wanting to see her again but she blocked most of the ways to contact her and so did I block her...as the years went by maybe caused by my mental illness, I seen signs, like as if she was calling out to me somehow...anyways I talked to someone about a nice way to contact her again but before I tried it I got a call from her, I was really happy then, maybe she ended up changing over the years or not but I noticed right from the get go she was demanding, she got me to meet up with her that night and I done my best to dress up nice and see her, still I didn;t know how to look at the relationship whether as a friend or a bf gf situation...anyways when I picked her up she didn't look too well, she looked heavily medicated and I later found out she has become addicted to prescription medication, and has gotten in trouble with the law because she stole a full script form to help her addiction, she got caught picking up heavy pain meds and stuff from the chemist. She was stressing about it, and right from the get go of meeting her again I don't know whether she changed or I did, I think I did, but for the better, more stable and less manic, unfortunately she was addicted to manic stuff and hospital stuff so she would hang out at mine and go on and on about hospital and drawing into the past I try to forget, My only remedy for this was to beat her to the punch and open up about how I felt and try to steer the conversation towards something more positive, anyways I still ended up driving her here and there...this time round though, she didn't let me go in her house, she mentioned that her mother didn't like me, looking at it now her mother didn't officially meet me properly so I guess from the last break up she bad mouthed me to her, this was bad...I tried to tell her that I wanted her to tell her mum that she is seeing me and to cut out the secretive ****....also another bad sign is when hanging out with her, since I still don't believe she is totally gay although she says she is, she really messed me up, I would hang out with her and we would chill and watch old movies she had seen before and she'd surprisingly lean on me and rest and get me to massage her arm and stuff, I felt confused and hurt, I felt like she was using me to be the person to give her a bit of luxury and stuff and I was soo unsure whether she was throwing signs for sex and stuff because it felt like this, I would sense the energies being thrown around and it was like she would flirt and stuff but I still seen it as a manipulative technique to get what she wanted, she's christian by the way if that means anything..yeah when we were at mine she got to tears mentioning a dream of a gf of hers that she missed, although I was interested in her still even though she was "gay" I still helped her try to get in contact with her "friend"...oh yeah about the feeling I got around her it's like she was charming me (and I did feel I was maturing around her, which I probably need) and I was charming her, it was like a build up of energy but when it got too intimate she would for lack of a better word go "cold" emotionally or "chemically", thats how I seen it anyways, this led to much confusion on my part and I told her this later, anyways we ended up sleeping together in my small bed every time she came over, I liked chilling with her..but she kept ****ing with my head and pulling me to times where I had psychosis and stuff, like the last time we slept in the same bed (plus I must say, the first time I said Ill sleep on the couch, you take my bed (because I didn't want to confuse myself with the relationship and stuff) but she insisted she likes company to sleep, it apparently helps her sleep) ...anyways the last time she messed with my head, sure I can look at it like a joke, but it was nearly psychologically scarring, she pretended to be possessed by a demon and change her voice and tell me she will kill me in my sleep, I played it off like a joke and went to sleep with her, but that was another sign she was a psychological mind **** *****...anyways what led up to the last break up was I was tired of mostly taking the relationship like it was a one way street, I would be driving her here and there (example after we slept at mine, she wakes me at like 6-7 in the morning to be driven home and **** sake I did it, I just tried to keep her happy) but I tried to get into the real parts of a relationship if thats what it was, I probably wouldn't be so vulnerable and easy to use if I had it in my head we were just friends, but I wanted to think more soo much, it could be that I just liked having a friend and because she was a girl I felt like, why not take it further? but yeah i dunno...anyways on a day where I had to go to the doctors I planned to go there with her and then take her to her own appointment (all the while feeling why doens't she get her mother to drive her around for this ****?) anyways I guess thats just who I am, doing **** and getting nothing out of it, so very christian, ha ha **** that. anyways we got caught in an argument over paying for petrol, I was trying to keep a sure hold on my money because she would call me literally every day to hang out, so I was conserving my money...but she was pissed I tried to get her to pay, I still payed and she still *****ed about it...I thought everything would be fine because she would **** herself over by giving like 200 -300 dollars to people she knew to help them out, and they had drug habits for **** sake, plus when she was over mine once she got me into morphine tea, she didn't know how to prepare it properly but Id be a fool to keep hanging around with her, the meds/drugs and that, I might get a ****ing morphine addiction during a social habit, **** that. anyways the last time I seen her she gave me the usual kiss n said bye. I thought everything was fine till she started text bombing me and snowballing on me, first saying Im ****ed up, then saying she doesn't want to be friends anymore, then just going on about petty **** like when I stole a bracelet for her it was like 3 dollars but she told me to do it, i guess its just my naive aspie **** that done that, anyways she goes on to say she reported me and took it back to the seller, the thing is, I was WILLING to buy her something, she told me to steal it and stupidly I did, then she betrays me and dobs me in, **** her.
anyways, Im looking for advice on this situation, Am I the asshole here or her? did I do anything wrong? I have a tendancy for feeling guilty even when Im the victim, anyways Id just like some advice on how to remedy this situation, she was my first I guess gf even though she was "gay" and I don't know what to do..she is now back from vacation and Im wondering whether to call or message her. Im out of luck for friends and stuff so I guess I might just be grasping at straws for at least a friend, but this girl, I don't even know whether its normal on how she or I were acting...what advice do you have? should I try to find someone else? etc;? any tips?
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Feb 23, 2016, 01:17 AM
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