[sidony]

So I'm 45 years old and engaged to be married. I have never been married, and I've been living alone (without roommates) for about 18 years. Never even lived with anyone I dated.

I believe my fiance is the right person for me. I'm sure we will be great together. I'm completely positive that this is the right relationship and that we'll ultimately be happy. I go into that part of it with no doubts at all.

And ever since we've become engaged (1 week ago), I've been sad. Crying a lot. Afraid to talk about being engaged. Most of my friends don't even know, though my co-workers do (<- easier for me to let people who aren't close to me know). Isn't this supposed to be a happy time? I wish I felt happy.

I feel overwhelmed by the logistics. Trying to figure out our living arrangements is going to be sort of a nightmare. I own a small 1-bedroom place that I either have to rent or sell. I'd prefer to rent it because the place means a lot to me (when I bought it, I was so happy that I started dating again which is how I ended up engaged). My boyfriend lives in another part of town in an apartment in a neighborhood that I don't particularly care for (okay, I hate it -- not that it's a bad place, just that it's crowded and traffic is terrible there). And it's a loooong way from where I work. So if I move out there, I'll commute an hour each way to work. BUT, my boyfriend also has a son. An 11-year-old boy with whom he has split custody (50-50). Both the boy's school and the boy's mom are out in that area. How could I pull a young boy away from that? And my boyfriend can't drive either (he has epilepsy) -- which limits how his son can get to school until he's old enough to use public transportation. And of course it means we need to live near public transportation too (which means housing is more expensive).

And there are financial difficulties. My boyfriend is doing contract work which is unstable. He's trying to find something more permanent, but it's challenging. He has very little money saved because of his former marriage and their divorce. And I can't change jobs because the benefits where I am are too good -- oodles of vacation and sick leave -- especially important since my elderly mother isn't doing well. I may need to take a long leave of absence to visit her if she becomes more unwell, and I wouldn't lose any pay to do so. I could even telework during that (she lives a long way away). Not that changing jobs would give me more money, but it would have cut down my commute.

And part of always being alone means I've developed some intense friendships. Some are with men. And though nothing is romantic, I feel that they will experience a sense of loss when they realize I'm engaged. Because of course it means I have less time to devote to those friendships. And so I agonize over telling them. I agonize over telling people in general because I don't want them asking me how I'm going to figure out all the logistics.

Oh, and I'm going to be a stepmom. And I've raised exactly zero kids. Although the boy is 11 already, and he and I get along really well.

I'm thinking I wish we hadn't gotten engaged yet. In spite of being sure it's what I want (ultimately). I just want it in some distant future where I don't have to deal with any of this any time soon. And that kind of procrastination is the story of my life and every past relationship I've had. Keep the status quo because change is complicated.

Okay, this was long. I doubt anyone has time to read it all, but I needed an outlet.

Thanks, Sidony

[kipper-bang]

Hi Sidony,

You may be engaged and very happy but you are in no way ready to share your life with this man and all that comes with him. Please don't' fix a wedding date yet. It would be better to move in with him for a few months and see how it goes. See what its like to care for his son on your own.

Will you be responsible for all the housework & how do you feel about this?
Are you really happy about giving up these close relationships with other me & how does your fiancé feel about them?
Will you be happy having his ex so close? I
If money is short between you are you happy to support him and his son?

I could write a page of questions for you but I think you already know what I will ask. That's why I suggest sharing his home with him first in order to see what your future may hold.

I wish you luck and understand what a big decision you have to make. Take time ,and do not rush into anything yet.

x

[Chyialee]

Aw, Sidony. :HUGS: Jimminy Crow, That is A LOT of (potential) upheaval all in one whack! Which is imo what makes it all so difficult to contemplate: it looks like one big -- OK TOO Big, and way too heavy! -- ball of confusion to cope with & try to figure out in one go. Oh do I ever know the feeling!

OK, first of all, and of paramount priority: Congratulations! I'm truly happy that you've found a true and grounding love that makes both you & your fiance happy & hopeful. I'm older than you are by a fair bit, and Crazyman & I are planning to be married sometime later this year. Never thought I'd be in this sitch, either! We have had lots & lots of issues & logistics to work out in the 3+ years we've been engaged - including a total cross-country move, selling a house, and all kindsa "schtuff", as my Grandmother used say Some still seem kinda overwhelming.

OK, couple of questions: How long an engagement are you planning? Is there a pressing reason why all the logistical items you mentioned must be dealt with pronto?
BC seriously, my "Coach" (I'm an Aspie) from yrs ago had a mantra I've made my major motto too: BREAK IT DOWN INTO MANAGEABLE UNITS

It has saved my life on numerous occasions.

As for people's questions, try not to worry too much about their reactions -- and also to not give them more info than they actually need, heh heh. "How are you going to figure that out?" A: Very carefully!" or, "Oh, there are a few challenges, but we'll work it out".

Yes, change is complicated at times, but it doesn't have to be a burden. Please, try not to let it rob your joy. PM if you would like, (and I never say that, lol) bc i so feel your stress/distress.
xo, Chyia, BTDT/STSDT

[sidony]

Hey thanks!

And @Chyialee -- it's great to hear a similar story.

As far as the length of the engagement: We aren't setting a date any time soon. In fact, we figured it'd be at least a year before we set a date (hah). Which means an actual wedding is probably a couple of years away.

I do want to work out most of these details in advance of getting married. We *will* move in together first and figure out how to arrange our lives. But we'd be doing that with the plan of working toward a permanent future (as in, not just testing the waters but really trying to make it work). I guess some people wouldn't get engaged first. It's just for me I like the plan of a permanent future before embarking on all these changes. I realize it could fall apart, but I think going in fully invested makes it more likely to work (at least for me).

We'll also do premarital counseling. We've already met once with my therapist who brought up many of the questions we have to figure out (finances, etc.). They sounded a tiny bit less insurmountable afterward, but still scary.

I don't know how we'll figure it all out. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just stay single forever. In fact, I'm sure it would be. But then I like the idea of a life partner, and he's the only one I ever thought fit that bill for me.

Scary though.

Thanks, Sidony

[sidony]

And @kipper-bang, those are lots of serious questions. I can only answer a few. I don't have the financial means to support both him and his son unless we chose to stay in my tiny 1-bedroom place. But he is not without resources -- just he needs more stable work and wants to find it before we ever marry.

I don't mind that his ex lives nearby as they share custody of their son. I mind that I'd likely move to an area I prefer not to live in (at least for a few years) but not because she's in that area too. They have a pretty good co-parenting relationship (not without its challenges of course), and she has always been nice to me. She is happy that her ex is with me because I'm good to her son.

We'd split the housework! He likes to cook, and I clean up. Other stuff is a mix. It won't be easy to live with other people as I'm not used to it.

Well, those are a few answers anyway.

Sidony

[kipper-bang]

Originally Posted by sidony

And @kipper-bang, those are lots of serious questions. I can only answer a few.....

....We'd split the housework! He likes to cook, and I clean up. Other stuff is a mix. It won't be easy to live with other people as I'm not used to it.

Well, those are a few answers anyway.

Sidony

Sorry about all the questions. I was trying to get things straight in my own mind so I could answer as best I could. It sounds like you have everything in hand and this will be a wonderful new life for you. Don't worry too much about the crying, I think its down to the fear of the unknown - something new.

It can be thought of as scary, and yet exciting. So cry if you need to but know they are tears of happiness. x

I was married very young. But if I would have thought about all of the struggles we would have and all of the reasons that it wouldn't work...well, I might not have done it.

It's pretty scary. But I think all good things in life are.

Maybe, try to put things in perspective? You have a great start in that you are convinced he is the one for you. Don't let logistics get in the way of happiness.

[SilverNeurotic]

I understand why you are sad, it is a very stressful situation to get engaged and know that you are going to have an upheaval of your life...and if you are happy the way things are now, well, it makes sense that you do not want to do anything to break that happiness and security-even when you know you are sacrificing something you love for the man you love.

Take things slow. There is absolutely no reason why you can't have a long engagement. Try moving in with your fiancee and see how that goes. Spend time with your future step son. See if there is a parenting class you can take, or some kind of support group for step parents.

Also, there is absolutely nothing that says that married people absolutely have to live together. If you feel that strongly about keeping your own place...do that. It's your life and you are allowed to live it the way you want to.

[divine1966]

Take one step at a time. Set small goals. I don't have a specific advice as I am not sure what's the best here. But first you have to figure out where you two will live. Focus on that. Then other things. Stay strong

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[Ocean Swimmer]

I agree. I lived with a man I didn't even want. Long story. He got told he had cancer on our 2nd date. I had girls say run for the hills. Others said oh gosh. You need to care for him he's getting ready to be discharged from the marines. His parents live on the East coast and are going thru a divorce.
Luckily the military kept him active so he could get treatment for 18 months.

If you have any doubts, let it go. Just speaking from experience. Many fish in the sea.

[seeker1950]

I too was unhappy (to tears) when I got engaged way back when. I married him, and was unhappy the whole time (20 years). Your unhappiness at the prospect of this marriage is your gut trying to tell you something. It's hard to listen to that inner voice, believe me, I KNOW! But I'd advise take your time.

[RomanSunburn]

Why not just take some time to get used to the idea of being engaged before you make any major decisions (including living arrangements)? Just take some deep breaths and take it one day at a time. You'll get through this, one step at a time.

Congrats on your engagement