[mf1438]

I’m working on a best possible self exercise and I’m grappling with the exercise to come up with my best possible romantic self. For me this pretty much equates to something I’ve been struggling with for a long time. I’ve been happily married for 24 years and I want to stay happily married. The only component of this happy marriage that I’m missing is a healthy sex life.

What is a healthy sex life?

Have you seen the Wikipedia article on masturbation (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation) that talks about the UK culture?

In the UK in 2009, a leaflet was issued by the National Health Service in Sheffield carrying the slogan, "an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away".

I’m not getting enough sex. If we’re doing it 2 or 3 times a month I would be surprised. I stopped counting because it got too depressing. Before I got married my wife promised me sex 3 or 4 times a week. After we got married the frequency slowly diminished to where we are today. I miss it and I’m looking for some alternatives.

I’m going to counseling because I see this as a problem. She’s not going to counseling because she doesn’t see this as a problem. I don’t want a confrontation, but I want to solve this problem, and I want to do it in a way that does not put undue pressure on my wife. I can’t stand the idea of coercing a woman have sex when she doesn’t want to have sex even though we’re married. If the sex is not consensual and mutually beneficial (we both have to enjoy it and want to do it again), then I don’t want it. I also don’t want to pay a hooker for phone sex or masturbate watching a web cam girl. This feels dirty to me because the woman’s heart is not in it.

I’m looking for a woman who wants to help me satisfy my sexual needs, with no strings attached. I’ve heard this called a FWB, friend with benefits. I don’t think my wife would go for that. What she thinks matters because everybody tells me that if she knows about it and she agrees to it then it’s not cheating. I don’t want to cheat on my wife. She deserves better than that and I do try to life up to Christian values. LOL

But abstinence is not a viable option for me anymore. Wikipedia article describes something called “mutual masturbation” and maybe that’s way out of this conundrum. This seemed to work for me in the past. I call it cybersex. I go online. I find horny women, sometimes wives, stuck in the same dead bedroom relationship I’m in. We exchange pleasantries and then we get busy. A few minutes later, voila!, We’re both done, sexually satisfied, and we go back to our limited sex drive mates.

Please don’t be disparaging with your remarks. This is an extremely sensitive topic for me. The only reason I’m bringing this to the group is because I’ve gotten some good advice in the past that has helped me cope with some debilitating challenges in my life. At the advice of this group I got into counseling. It has helped. But the therapist, rightly so, doesn’t have a crystal ball to tell me what’s right or wrong in my marriage. I’m asking you because you may have some experience in setting ground rules that are sensitive to the needs of the wife (doesn’t want public humiliation of being cheated on) and the husband (man needs to squirt cum more often). What’s a happily married man to do?

[divine1966]

If lack of sex is a big issue for you then have you considered divorce so she and you can have full freedom to do what you want?

Honestly if she promised sex 4 times a week but 24 years later it got less it's kind of long time ago. I wouldn't say she lied. She couldn't predict that 24 years later she might not want or need as much. I think it's kind of normal?

Does she work? Is tired?

I can't advice on cyber sex or fwb. I personally rather get divorce. But if you both are ok with it its fine




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Ocean Swimmer]

I too am in a completely celibate relationship. Plus we believe in the Trinity and used to attend services regularly till our church closed.
I asked my Dr about the lack of sex drive in husband( he lost his first wife to this no sex no touch deal)
Dr said maybe low testosterone as he jogs and swims every day he's home from China.

Maybe your wife has low hormones. Or medications can kill sex drive.
My husband too played along during our engagement but still it wasn't enough. Then after marriage he stalled, then stopped.

I'm in my mid 50's but still take good care of my hair and skin. I look good to men and get flirted with sometimes in public. I'm blond almost 6' tall. A little full figured because of he meds I'm on.
He says he likes short ,skinny,black haired women. Well sorry to blow this BS sky high, but that was exactly what his first Coke addict wife was like. He wouldn't make love to her either. So she left and went back to her former boyfriend. He didn't even know she was gone for awhile because of his work schudule.

So unless your wife has a desire to go to sex seminars. Read books about how to be a more loving couple, have her thyroid and hormones checked--you are screwed.

I don't feel one way or the other about stepping out on your marriage. Neither do I feel the need for full disclosure. But that's probably because I've walked a hundred miles in your shoes.
She won't come clean about her lack of desire. She doesn't want to learn how to increase her sex drive thru Chakras or mind excercise.
What are you supposed to do? Yes I believe an orgasm a day helps my mind body connection. Helps me to relax and feel happy. Yes I get tired of the vibrator.

I do know when giving up the marriage isn't the answer either. To find ways to be compatible for so many years I see as a real accomplishment.

Super big bummer. I think about it every day.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I believe in quality not quantity. And what's going on in our life's being stress, lack of time has a lot to do with it. When we were both working, me in ten hr shifts and him third shift, hah! Once a wk was the best we could do at the time. And honestly, since I uhh got fired for my MI, we've been having way more sex. Simply because we are around each other more. And 24 years is a long time. Maybe the truth is she lost her attraction to you? It sucks but that may be the deal. I really can't talk much because I have no experience as far as a long marriage goes. I can only speak for what I've experienced myself. There's many times where I didn't even feel the attraction at the time weather from exhaustion or lack of time together. I would consider counseling and communication here. Does she even know if your feelings? Does she even care? It may be as serious as being a deal breaker for you. 24 years is a long time and maybe the flame just isn't there anymore on her part? Talk to her, encourage her to maybe get labs done to check her hormone levels. Try little things to spice up the romance. Talk about it over a nice dinner out? Sorry that's about all I can give as far as this topic goes but good luck whatever you decide to do in the future!



I don't get msgs unless the other person using tapatalk app!

[Artchic528]

You claim you're "happily married" but it doesn't seem like you are. I second Divine's suggestion of a divorce.

[kipper-bang]

Is she going through her menopause? This may account for the lowered sex drive and a course of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) would be the answer. Is she depressed or on medication which lowers sex drive? I would look at the medical issues first then any physical problems she may have like Arthritis or joint problems. If all is clear then its a mental issue.

She could just be bored and you need to think of different positions or places in order to spice things up. Sexual issues cause so many unnecessary divorces, when all you need to do is be open, honest and talk.

Good luck.

[Mygrandjourney]

"I’m not getting enough sex. If we’re doing it 2 or 3 times a month I would be surprised. I stopped counting because it got too depressing. Before I got married my wife promised me sex 3 or 4 times a week. After we got married the frequency slowly diminished to where we are today. I miss it and I’m looking for some alternatives."

To answer your basic question, a healthy sex life is one wherein both partners agree they can be satisfied with. If both partners agree they can be satisfied with no sex, while some would find that unusual, or even unhealthy, the key thing is that both partners have agreed to it. It's not so much how often, etc, but more whether or not it is mutually agreed upon and satisfying.

[mf1438]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If lack of sex is a big issue for you then have you considered divorce so she and you can have full freedom to do what you want?

Honestly if she promised sex 4 times a week but 24 years later it got less it's kind of long time ago. I wouldn't say she lied. She couldn't predict that 24 years later she might not want or need as much. I think it's kind of normal?

Does she work? Is tired?

I can't advice on cyber sex or fwb. I personally rather get divorce. But if you both are ok with it its fine




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Divorce is not an option. There is too much love between us. I haven't given up hope. I believe we can find a way to make it work.

[mf1438]

Originally Posted by Mygrandjourney

"I’m not getting enough sex. If we’re doing it 2 or 3 times a month I would be surprised. I stopped counting because it got too depressing. Before I got married my wife promised me sex 3 or 4 times a week. After we got married the frequency slowly diminished to where we are today. I miss it and I’m looking for some alternatives."

To answer your basic question, a healthy sex life is one wherein both partners agree they can be satisfied with. If both partners agree they can be satisfied with no sex, while some would find that unusual, or even unhealthy, the key thing is that both partners have agreed to it. It's not so much how often, etc, but more whether or not it is mutually agreed upon and satisfying.

Awesome!

I see why I am getting so frustrated. She needs to be part of the design process!

[Chyialee]

/\ /\ AMEN!

Yes, yes, she does. And it's not an instant-fix kind of issue: please be willing to move forward in increments?

Counselling w/someone who specialized in emotional & sexual intimacy conflict-resolution, would be ideal.

I swear, in every relationship I've seen in my whole life, there were or eventually develop, sexual expectation issues. Tbh, it's usually the guy (if a hetero pairing), who's frustrated to the point of fighting re sexual frequency. I know for a feact that my fiance would like more sex in our relationship; it's been discussed a few times. Honestly, he would be delighted if it were the frequency that you & wife have, OP...bc it's been awhile. Due to medical issues, but still.

I agree that it might be well for your spouse to have a complete physical w/a women's health specialist perhaps, or any doc she's comfortable & confident with. My late dh & I were having arguments about sex for ages, & finally my longtime FP diagnosed a thyroid prob & meds ensued.--- and after about 3 wks I could tell a difference. So try to get physical/medical possibilities out of the way as well, if you at all can.

Much luck & good wishes to you & your wife as well, OP. It's a prevalent issue, but I know that isn't a lot of help when one is dealing with it on the regular oneself.
xo,
Chyia, nodding head

[mf1438]

I'm so impatient. I wish I could get this over with. Increments? I've been dealing with this woman for over 25 years and now I want this magic solution to rain down from heave overnight. LOL

Thanks for sharing your advice. It helps to keep things in perspective!

[healingme4me]

Well, what's her excuse? And is she ok with your cyber behavior?

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

[mf1438]

I'm afraid to ask. She just went off on me because I'm seeing my counselor today. That's the 3rd time this week! She feels I'm going to the counselor and wasting money talking about masturbation and my sex life.

[divine1966]

Cyber thing would be the end of it for me

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Cyber thing would be the end of it for me

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Me too. That's cheating in my book. Affair material.

"I also don’t want to pay a hooker for phone sex or masturbate watching a web cam girl. This feels dirty to me because the woman’s heart is not in it."

So you WANT her heart to be in it?

"I’m looking for a woman who wants to help me satisfy my sexual needs, with no strings attached"

And then this sound like you don't want her heart to be in it....unless "strings" means some kind of payment?

I sound confused because I am.

Only your wife can give you permission to have an affair. Not us, not your therapist, not your friends.

Just my opinion, fwiw.

[divine1966]

I was also confused with "heart" comment. If woman's heart is in it she would not be ok just satisfying your needs.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by mf1438

I'm afraid to ask. She just went off on me because I'm seeing my counselor today. That's the 3rd time this week! She feels I'm going to the counselor and wasting money talking about masturbation and my sex life.

She knows what you discuss in therapy?

I was just remembering that she basically vilified you for going to therapy to your daughter. Which in going back, I saw the other thread titled she doesn't(even) like to talk about sex.

Question for this thread, what is a healthy sex life? One in which there's communication.

My late stepdad and my since deceased mom, as I found out stated compassionately, that they hadn't in numerous years because he was so sick. He had battled three forms of cancers. Succumbing to the third. However, there was intimacy of an emotional level plus hand holding, non sexual touch, tenderness and verbal reaffirmations. That was as healthy of an expression that I can think of.

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk