[nymom4444]

Hi, Need some advice. My son is 30. He started with drugs his senior yr of high school back in 2006. We didn't realize because he was always a good kid, very respectful to us. He came to us a year later and told us. I was heartbroken over it because this was something that I never thought would happen. We got him the help he needed and he was good for while. He decided to hook up with our best friend of 25 year daughter. My husband & I did not approve of it. He started with drugs with her, got her pregnant & had an abortion. He had taken checks from her checkbook without her knowledge. We received a phone call from her mom weeks later telling us about the checks. We were so embarrassed and humiliated to think he could do this. Needless to say, all of that ended our 25 year friendship. He relapsed back and forth a few times after that. During that time, he was gambling too. He went to my parents and asked them for money to pay off his debts (I think it was for drugs too) many, many times. My parents of course gave it to him without my knowledge. Then he met "the one". I loved her the minute I met her. They dated for 4 years. One Valentine's Day, my son decided to take drugs right in front of her! They came back to our house, she was so upset and wasn't sure if she wanted to stay with him. I was so upset AGAIN. She had a long talk with him and told him if this ever happens again, she is done. I had my heart broken AGAIN over his stupid decision. He got clean again and decided he wanted to ask her to marry him. I told him marriage is forever and to make sure this is what he wanted, there is no turning back only go forward. He said this is what he wanted. They had a beautiful wedding. I was so happy that he found her. I loved her like she was my real daughter. We had a great relationship and did a lot together. Her family loved him and were so happy that their daughter found our son. Then one Sunday,after being married for 2 months, they both came by to talk to us. She proceeds to tell us that our son had stolen her heirloom jewelry and pawned them for drug money. He had started again. I was beyond upset now. How the hell could he break my heart again, let alone do that to his new wife!! I was numb and heartbroken AGAIN because of his stupid decision. I loved this girl and hoped they would work it out. They tried for a couple of months. In August, they came on vacation with us. She was very cold and told us she was on the fence about staying with our son. I was so upset over all of this the whole vacation. They drove up in her car and she left the next day to drive down to be with her family 3 hours away. She needed time alone to think. I texted her later that day to be sure she got there ok. Never heard back from her. Our son stayed with us the remainder of our now ruined vacation. When we got home, he went back with her. A couple of weeks later, the day before her birthday, our son calls us and tells us she left. She didn't want to be with him on her birthday. I was so upset AGAIN. I texted her the next day on her birthday and told her how sorry I was over all of this and that we loved her and hoped things would work out. I never heard from her again. I felt like I lost my real daughter. Needless to say, the holidays following were the worst. My son went back to his dr and got the help he needed and got back on track. I could not believe how much disappointment and heartache I was living because of my son. He stayed good for another year. That Christmas Eve, he comes to me and tells me he dating a black girl. I told him I did not approve or agree with it. I told him I didn't care if he was friends but didn't agree with the dating part. He told me don't make me choose between you and her. AGAIN, disappointed in another decision by him. That was 3 years ago and he is still dating her. I still do not approve of it. I don't want anything to do with him & her together. He knows how I feel but he takes her on our family vacation for the weekend and stays with her. He brings her to family/friend weddings. He brings her here for Christmas Eve. She has no personality and doesn't even talk to me. At least bring a poinsettia. Nothing. I really don't know why is still with her. He doesn't bring her here any other time of the year. I am so disappointed in his decision to date this girl. I don't ask about her, let alone mention her name. I am praying every day that he comes to his senses and sees how much this is hurting and disappointing me. I don't want to hear, "he's happy". How can he be happy hurting and disappointing his mom AGAIN??? My parents are pretty upset about it too. They do not agree with their white grandson dating a black girl. After all my parent's gave him and did for him, he disappoints them and disrespects their beliefs too. He is like a tornado that rips through people's lives, destroys relationships along it's path, and doesn't care about the destruction left behind. He has plans now to go to England/Europe with this girl next month. That is for a honeymoon trip, not for someone you are dating!!!! So it is obvious to me that my son has made his choice when he told me not to make him choose. I am so disgusted, upset and disappointed beyond words. I am sick of people saying it's his choice/his life. I guess it's his choice to hurt his mom too. Also tired of hearing "respect his decision to date her". Respect goes both ways. What about respecting your mom's beliefs, opinions and feelings? How can he do this to us knowing how we feel? How can you date someone that your family is not happy about? How can she come around knowing that she is not liked? She is supposed to be so smart, so he says. I can only pray that he meets someone else quick. After all he has done, broke up a 25 year friendship, taken thousands of dollars from his grandparents, stolen from his wife and divorced over it, now this decision to date a black girl that I do not approve of or agree with???????!! I am so sick over all of this. I have not told anyone about the drugs or the stealing/pawning reason for his divorce. I would NEVER tell anyone, not even my best friend. I am heartbroken, disgusted and disappointed in my son. I never thought I would feel the way I do.

[Bill3]

The pain you experience from his behavior is so intense and deep, and unspoken and therefore kept inside, that I wonder if you have or would consider seeking support from support groups and/or a therapist.

[Rose76]

Why don't you want your son dating a black girl?

[healingme4me]

I agree with Bill3. Is your son still sober? Are there any Christian values on his or her part that might be helping if he's still sober?

Never mind. Probably would just get deleted anyway. I have nothing supportive to say. All I can say is to look inwardly for the source of the current problem with your son. We can only control ourselves.

Do you understand that his intent is NOT to offend you?

Your reaction to his decisions is the real problem here.