[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I'll try to be concise for once:

I have no idea where I stand in terms of being sociable, introverted/extraverted. On one hand, I usually prefer to be alone, to not even have others around. Though, I am addicted to talking to people online - so I can't, and don't relate to people who, say, could happily spend their entire lives alone, who have zero needs or desires for social interaction. I also probably romanticize interaction a little, I sometimes imagine myself in relationships, frequently fantasize about success in the eyes of others, imagine myself being able to speak and interact happily with others yet regularly feel a confused loneliness.

That's the point: confused. Like, I want someone around, but I know that if I got it, I wouldn't know what to do with them. Or I'd feel awkward and exposed and want to be alone again. I'm not schizoid or an extreme introvert. But I'm no extravert by anyone's definition; not even ambiverted. But that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely - it it's even loneliness, and not just sadness.

I guess...I'm convinced this is a character flaw. A sign that I'm less intelligent, less evolved even. That I'm weak and inferior for being so needy, for not being able to sustain myself with my own mind like other, smarter, stronger, better people can. Apparently schizoid traits and/or strong introversion are linked with giftedness, so there's that...

I guess...can anyone convince me otherwise? ^^' Trust me, I hate feeling this way...but it just seems so obvious that this is how things work.

[beeblove]

Hey, I have a lot of same, similar feelings.

I'm more introverted but can be somewhat extroverted, so I'm a good mix, probably 60 % introverted 40% extro. BUT I also have social anxiety mixed with depression, so when that is in full swing I'm so inhibited, not "myself". I still go out and do things, i wont let it stop me because that would be worse.

I am married though but I still feel lonely, an emptieness inside that never goes away, and I always think if i find the right friends, or a group, or anything or anyone for that matter, that these feeling will go away. But it seems they are apart of me. even in the best of moments i think these feelings are gone and never coming back and then its always back. It must be so hard for him because I am so up and down. so needy, insecure and unstable at times. maybe half the time or more lol

I agree it is a weird and confusing place to be in but I think finding ways to accept and cope is the best thing to do like by finding hobbies and keeping busy as much as possible.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by buttercup12

Hey, I have a lot of same, similar feelings.

I'm more introverted but can be somewhat extroverted, so I'm a good mix, probably 60 % introverted 40% extro. BUT I also have social anxiety mixed with depression, so when that is in full swing I'm so inhibited, not "myself". I still go out and do things, i wont let it stop me because that would be worse.

I am married though but I still feel lonely, an emptieness inside that never goes away, and I always think if i find the right friends, or a group, or anything or anyone for that matter, that these feeling will go away. But it seems they are apart of me. even in the best of moments i think these feelings are gone and never coming back and then its always back. It must be so hard for him because I am so up and down. so needy, insecure and unstable at times. maybe half the time or more lol

I agree it is a weird and confusing place to be in but I think finding ways to accept and cope is the best thing to do like by finding hobbies and keeping busy as much as possible.

I'd probably say it's more of an 80/20 intro/extro split for me. I've written thread about how I worry about my apparent lack of ability to form connections with people - it's rare for me to think of it, or even try to make friends. Like I said, I've kind of romanticized it. It sounds so nice...

Yet I don't know what I want, and worry what I want is "wrong" or at least "lesser" in a sense. Maybe it's irrational, or part of some deeply entrenched beliefs.

Basically, I can't tell whether I want human interaction or not. Plenty of other people seem to be able to answer this with a yes or no, but not me.

[eskielover]

I grew up an only child so I learned how to entertain myself & to do things by myself because there wasn't always neighborhood kids to do things with & my mother didn't drive & my dad worked so it was impossible for me to be involved in activities outside of school. I remember growing up thinking that my parents were keeping me sheltered & I didn't like that feeling either.

However I was social enough, my mom said that my kindergarten teacher told her I had leadership abilities that needed to be developed. My mom later on admitted to me that she had no idea what the kindergarten teacher was asking her to do (my mom was very dysfunctional when it came to self-esteem & to interfacing with people so that concept was totally foreign to her)......so I basically was just let to my own abilities to grow within the limitations that my parents dysfunctions placed on me.

I was always smart in school but had to work harder than everyone else to get those good grades but I was determined even at a young age that education was the only way I wouldn't end up like my parents (I didn't know all the issues that were really behind their behaviors....I have my theories now after so many years in therapy). By excelling in school & I was able to participate in the orchestra, it helped me participating even though I remember always feeling so inferior to everyone else around me. I got to play outside with the boys in the neighborhood so all my activities were things that guys did & I really had no interest in girl activities. I always preferred being outside & playing baseball in the street or playing fort or toy cars in the dirt to playing house & dolls with the few girls that were in the neighborhood. Most of the kids that excelled in school were also guys so they were the ones I interfaced with the most. I was always just one of the guys. But when my close neighbors moved when I was in 6th grade, I spend a lot more time in the house & studying school work & practicing my flute that I decided to play rather than piano when I got into junior high.

They always had those class elections even in junior high & my last year in junior high, I was elected president of the orchestra, president of the girls academic club & was actually voted a class representative. I had no idea that anyone even really knew me because so many of the kids were part of groups & I was always on the outside of every group but got along with them all.

From the time I can remember, I always did my own thing & was never a part of any peer pressure to do anything. I struggled a bit more in high school because it was so huge. Our graduating class had over 1000 kids in it. I remember being invited to join a girls club that was off campus & went through some of the initiation process, but realized it just wasn't me & I didn't enjoy socializing with the others who were in the club already.

I had one close friend that I did everything with & never did find a guy that I was interested in that was interested in me so I just hung out with a lot of the guys. I had a really wonderful BF who moved away when I graduated junior high & honestly no one could come up to what he had been so I preferred to have no one special though I never did without an invitation to the proms & the holiday dances. I was mostly involved in marching band & that took up a lot of time.

College I lived at home, worked to pay for my degree because my Dad thought college would fill my head with bad thinking & I was determined to get my degree especially because he didn't want me to, it made me even more determined. I dated a lot, but never found anyone that I was interested in. Got my AA degree in Music & then went on to get my BS degree in Accounting & computer science. I was determined to be successful on my own & I was not going to be defined by who I married (back in the 1970's it was transitioning from going to college to get an MRS title to actually getting a valuable degree & career)

I did get married before I got my degree & had our daughter. I always found that I needed alone time to recharge my energy after being on the go & being involved in so many activities that I was interested in. I loved going out backpacking into the back country of the Sierra Mountains & in the Rockies. But I liked the quiet alone of setting up camp away from where anyone else was.

I ended up with a computer engineering career & even though I worked closely with the group of guys in my department, I worked alone late into the night many times getting my parts of the computer designed & programmed. I got along with everyone I worked with & was very active playing racquetball with the guys. I always enjoyed ballroom dancing & got involved in that group even though I was on my own without a partner (but it wasn't necessary). I was also the treasurer of our homeowners association because they needed someone capable of handling the accounting issues & also someone who was good at working with the billing problems that we constantly had with the HOA dues. I also ended up being voted the treasurer of our Management club at work.....while I was social I always required my alone time that I seemed to need in order to recover from all the activities I was involved in which also included choir director at church.

Then came 1994. Work wasn't going well & the aerospace industry was crashing & then we had a terrible earthquake that destroyed the freeway that I had to take to get to work. A 6 hour drive to & from work added with 9 hours of work didn't give me time to sleep. I had a complete break down & basically wanted nothing to do with anyone. I totally fell apart. I was in & out of the psych hospitals with suicide attempts, was dealing with anorexia because food was the only thing I had any control over by that point in time. I managed to buy a horse & took dressage lessons & did some showing & then got into my american eskimo dogs & training them & got into showing them also....but it was something that I could basically do alone. I was miserable in my marriage & had grown to hate my H for many reasons that had actually begun before the wedding over 25 years before. I was so miserable that anyone I knew had no interest in even being around me & I didn't even want to be around myself. I was fighting everyone who touched my life.

Interesting because after my Mom died of cancer & I was able to sell her home & buy a farm that I had always wanted in a very small town 2100 miles away from Los Angeles. Just getting out of the marriage & being free for actually the first time in my life, I was able to get involved in things that I was interested in & meet wonderful people that I related to. While I own my own 10 acre farm that requires a lot of work especially during the spring through fall & I have to focus at times which is an alone thing, I am involved in so many things in the community & a part of groups that have the most wonderful people who have truly become my friends.

But the good thing is that when I do get to the point I feel overloaded, I can just stay home & take care of just me & the things that I need to do but I am also able to be involved with as much as I want. I can get as involved as I want & as much as people want me to be involved.....but the best is that I have my quiet farm to go home to with my 3 eskies who snuggle. I can do whatever I want at home. If I feel like cleaning, I clean, if I feel like painting I paint, or beading or just hanging with my eskies. When I want human interaction I can have as much or as little as I want....though I have learned more about having real working & caring relationships with the people I'm closely involved with. I had always just let people call me when they felt like it because I always thought I would bother them, but I have a friend who wants me to take an active part in calling her so that she's NOT always the one doing the calling. It took us awhile to work through & for me to learn that it was ok & that I wasn't going to bother anyone when I just called to talk. I do a lot of my business using texting which is wonderful but socializing, I always do talking directly to the person & making sure when I'm in their town to stop by & visit. For so much of my life I felt like I was intruding on other people's lives even though I loved when they would drop by & visit me......so it's been a learning process in having relationships mostly because my parents had no friends or relationships so I never learned how it was done from them & my dysfunctional marriage on top of my dysfunctional growing up family, I didn't really learn any skills until I was in my late 50's. Just shows that we are never too old to learn & we can also learn how to have the best of both worlds....to have our quiet times & also our relationship times. I never feel bad about what my needs end up being because I have also learned how to communicate to let others know what my needs are if there ends up being a conflict.

I think that the 2 years of DBT group really helped me with my communication skills because if provided me words & understanding of my feelings so I could communicate easier. I lived with parents who had no idea how to communicate about anything & I ended up marrying a H who was exactly the same even though I had promised myself I would NEVER marry anyone like my parents/dad. I was sure that the education & the high IQ my H had was going to make all the difference. Little did I know what was really going on with my H & that in researching what he problem really was, it made it clear to me that my Dad was dealing with exactly the same issues. Wow was that an eye opener....but it also helped me get rid of my anger toward them which was the greatest help of all because that anger had been eating me up & making me angry at the world around me & everyone who even touched my life. Living a new peaceful life & having my own peaceful surroundings to calm down it also helped me to grow out of the hate that had totally taken over my life. I love my life now & all the people who are a part of it. I am thankful that I no longer have to have anything to do with my H other than get the divorce finalized still, but when I do have to deal with him, it doesn't bother me like it did & I can find peace a lot quicker in my life than I ever could in all the previous 63 years. My life I'm living isn't right or wrong....it just is what it is & it works for me & all the people that I am involved with. What I have found at this point is that there are many women my age who are either divorced or widowed & they live their lives just like I am, so it also helps to validate that I am not doing anything different from anyone else & that I am more normal now than I ever thought I was before in my life.

Now that I've bored you with all those details....LOL. I hope you can find peace in the way you live.....when you need your alone time & when you want to socialize.....both are truly necessary to have a real functional life.

[beeblove]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

I'd probably say it's more of an 80/20 intro/extro split for me. I've written thread about how I worry about my apparent lack of ability to form connections with people - it's rare for me to think of it, or even try to make friends. Like I said, I've kind of romanticized it. It sounds so nice...

Yet I don't know what I want, and worry what I want is "wrong" or at least "lesser" in a sense. Maybe it's irrational, or part of some deeply entrenched beliefs.

Basically, I can't tell whether I want human interaction or not. Plenty of other people seem to be able to answer this with a yes or no, but not me.

yea it sounds like you do and don't at the same time, which is possible

so id say its a yes and no for you and it's not wrong its just hard because you have these two desires tugging at each other in the opposite direction.

I feel the same way. I don't thing it's a flaw, but it's an ingrained fear. By the way, you are doing the same thing I do, namely, overthink things and (for you, probably, for me) do nothing about it. I think we need to stop thinking and put ourselves out there, exposing our fears and vulnerabilities to be around people and to live our lives. No matter how gifted you are in your alone time, it doesn't compensate the need for socializing. I think this is it.