[ozzycat]

hello
I am fighting feelings for a married man i wish i did not have. I am not willing to enter into an affair with him, i would really like his marriage to work out because i dont want to destroy a marriage. it is hard knowing what might happen in the future if anything though. Please give me some feedback

[Raindropvampire]

One of my BFs dated a married man AND after he left his wife she married him. EVERY single time they had a fight he'd throw it in her face "I left my marriage for this BS?!" OR if she did ANYTHING he didn't like then she wasn't as good as his exe and he should have never left her. Not saying that's always what happens just one example I've seen.

If the guy you have feelings for marriage doesn't work out then he's fair game and I wish you the best. Right now I think you are making a wise decision to not go after him.

[Trippin2.0]

Let husband and wife destroy their marriage all on their own.


If they divorce and he still wants you after the dust settles, then he's fair game, but until then, keep your distance.

Does he have feelings to you as will?

Caution: A lot of men play the pity card when looking for an affair and actually have zero intention of leaving their spouse.

Regardless, let their marriage play out without getting entwined. It will have a much better payoff in terms of stress, self-respect and long term happiness.

Good luck!

[ozzycat]

Originally Posted by Nickname

Does he have feelings to you as will?

He does but my morals won't let me take it further but it is also hard knowing I can't be with him right now .

Originally Posted by ozzycat

He does but my morals won't let me take it further but it is also hard knowing I can't be with him right now .

Listen to your morals, and I suggest to stay away from him. Put yourself in his wife's shoes; you would like your marriage to workout even if there were some problems, wouldn't you? How would you feel if there is some other woman tries to pull him away? Think about that.

[Quarter life]

There are many reasons not to pursure a certain someone...The fact they are already married is one of them. 'Love' is almost always never enough...doesn't even come close.

I'd put some distance between you and him. I know it is hard but I agree with above posters on this. Especially the pity card. I wish you the best.

[divine1966]

Love isn't enough. Starting relationship based on lies is a bad start. Stay away from him. Plus he might spear great until you actually get together. You never know

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Chyialee]

Echoing what everyone else has said above. Emotional dishonesty is not a foundation for anything good -- and that is what a relationship with a married man would be based upon.

If his marriage sux, he needs to cure it or kill it. In my experience, it takes all the emotional energy two people have in them just to keep a marriage solid and functioning. Siphoning a bunch of that off towards a third person is chaos waiting to happen, and you say you want his marriage to work out and for good things to happpen for him. Listen to your morals: You can wish good things for him, but you cannot BE those good things for him. He's taken.
That said, it's not a sin to be attracted to someone: it's one of the ways we learn what qualities attract and inspire us, hence what is important (or less so) to us in a potential mate.

[ozzycat]

Originally Posted by Chyialee

Echoing what everyone else has said above. Emotional dishonesty is not a foundation for anything good -- and that is what a relationship with a married man would be based upon.

If his marriage sux, he needs to cure it or kill it. In my experience, it takes all the emotional energy two people have in them just to keep a marriage solid and functioning. Siphoning a bunch of that off towards a third person is chaos waiting to happen, and you say you want his marriage to work out and for good things to happpen for him. Listen to your morals: You can wish good things for him, but you cannot BE those good things for him. He's taken.
That said, it's not a sin to be attracted to someone: it's one of the ways we learn what qualities attract and inspire us, hence what is important (or less so) to us in a potential mate.

You are right but I think about him a lot and I wonder what he is thinking which makes distancing my self hard how do I deal with that ? I have so many questions that I don't have answers to and Wondering about how he is dealing .

[emijec]

the pity card is sooo classic. its why he will pay 100% attention to you bc 1) hes looking to have sex with someone , anyone! other than his wife 2) its entertaining to him to feel the rush of doing something and getting away with it and that someone else is paying attention to him 3) he will never leave the wife . he's manipulating you, its why youre feeling the way you do. if he truly cared about you he wouldnt put you in the middle of this. youre attracted bc of the attention he gives you and the fact that youre pursuing something you cant have. you think and believe is that what you both may have is something genuine... but here's a dose if reality: its not. its a formula.

here is how you'll lose:
1. you'll figure out the hard way he wont ever leave
2. you'll waste your precious time on a true loser which means its less time you have to find someone mentally and emotionally stable and compatible with you= actual happiness
3. you'll feel like crap knowing you caused a lot of pain to another human being
4. you'll be labeled the skank who homewrecked & destroyed a family
5. you risk people finding out what you did and word will get around , bc once the wife finds out she will make someone pay and it'll be you. the guy will be forgiven bc a) he's a guy and b) she doesnt want to lose him and become lonely divorce(cant insert accent mark) 3) she doesnt want to break up the family
he wont lose, as in our society men dont wear the scarlet letter.
6) you'll become untrustworthy of men in future relationships, bc youll fear that they will do what you did in the past to others. then you'll misread signals with a good guy and destroy that telationship.

7) your self esteem will take a blow and that sets you up for dating nothing but losers, why? bc the married guy will become the standard of measure, thats just how your psyche works. and do you really want to set yourself up for more misery? you know what he will get? another kid from his wife, bc the kid will serve as a bandaid to their marriage... this stuff is just so formulaic. that or once hes conquered you, he will fade away or return to his wife, bc he got the sex with anyone else off the to-do list

i was with a guy who cheated on me and had like 3 kids with 3 women while i was with him... i got into a severe depression.. when i found out i yelled, literally pulled my hair out and dropped to the floor. a friend had to pick me up . i didn't move for hours. i transitioned to a bed and didn't move for 3 days... no water, no food, restroom 1x. it was the worst pain . felt like a fool. i exposed that ahole online and u know what that got me? feeling even worse about what he did, what i allowed to happen. what did he get? a girlfriend who remained with him after reading everything i posted and what 3 other women posted . whats the lesson? theres a fool for every one of these guys, but more importantly, the guy doesnt care about anyone but himself and you're just a pawn, he'll focus on you until his next move and youre expendable. whether he cheats on you or you help him cheat, its the same... you put yourself at risk of getting hurt, feeking like crap & he just goes on his merry way.

would just keep away from the guy or keep it distant and professional . those men are not good news at all. they dont care about anyone but themselves, you lose at the end. dont let him absorb you into his toxic world.

dont fall into the trap of thinking that its different with this guy. i tell you from experience and the fact ive met men who try to use the pity card . met a guy in college, grad school that tried to do that. have seen the destruction of relationships bc of that. even my boss tried to make a move on me, i flatly rejected him .. he had 2 kids subsequent to that... feelings my @ss.

[emijec]

if he is truly unhappy he will seek counseling and marriage therapy. if he talks to you its bc you are his life preserver. that means he feels comfortable talking to you because he's tested the waters and the fact that youre still talking to him gives him the impression that youre willing to participate in his selfish cheating behavior, he's found his fool. it may be intentional or subconscious on hid part.

think about it this way.. imagine he is some prisoner locked up in jail and you have a key. do you honestly think he will talk to you because youre awesome and he wants to get to know you better or does he want the key?
if he wants to be with you . he will do things right, end marriage, regain emotional stability, then seek you out.. thats if he truly would want it to work... but even if he does that you think he'll want to celebrate his new found freedom by getting into another relationship? hell. no.
had a friend who got married bc he was so desperate to find someone, bad choice. he went with some chick while married . i ran into him 2 years later. asked how he was doing... long story short he had a kid, not with his wife, not with the girl he cheated on her with, but with a conpletely new person! and guess what? he's not even with that girl anymore either. now he has a kid he barely sees bc he's fighting with the mother . as it turns out.. cheating chick relationship didnt work out, he ranway from that and he said he fell hard and fast for nee chick, had a kid . once that blissful moment faded the problems resurfaced. i got all that from 15 minutes of conversation. its not hard to find out what these guys are about.

imagine what the girls in his life feel and are going through, do you want to be on that list of the girls of this guy's past? bc its goig to happen.

nothing but time will reveal his true colors. for your own emotional sake, just seek someone else.

p.s. always trust your gut. if you have a bad feeling, abort. plus, about 95% of your serotonin is in your gut , its why its called the 2nd brain. if it tells you something is not right, trust it.

[TheEbonyEwe]

This might end in disaster for you. I'm sorry, but the chances are that it will. You have no idea how many times he's done this with other women to begin with. You might just be fling #4 or 5. Don't believe everything he says.

Chances are he'll never leave his wife for you. If he did, you run the risk of just inheriting her garbage. Do you really want someone who would leave his wife for someone else? What happens when he gets tired of you? Tigers don't change their stripes, hon.

I've had feelings for a married man before and so I distanced myself from him; made a huge effort not to look at him, ignore him and whatever it took! I suspected that all he wanted was a fling and engaging in a relationship with him would only mar my reputation and leave me angry and frustrated. I am so glad that I didn't.

[ozzycat]

Im staying away but I still think about him but Im not going to sleep with him ..but its hard . my counselor said I can't control my thoughts much but I can my actions in the long run I know its the right thing to do

[ozzycat]

But I kind already feel bad for participating in the flirting and staring in each others eyes that's baf enough and I have to deal with it .. But I have not let it go further

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by ozzycat

hello

I am fighting feelings for a married man i wish i did not have. I am not willing to enter into an affair with him, i would really like his marriage to work out because i dont want to destroy a marriage. it is hard knowing what might happen in the future if anything though. Please give me some feedback

I know already without reading replies that there's probably some controversy here. But I'm going to hold my breath and give my two cents because actually, my bf was married when we first got together and I'm not here to bash you but I'm going to speak from my experience. The marriage was pretty much over when I came along. She was using drugs, they slept i separate rooms, no sex for over a year, and both were seeking other people. But to be honest, that's no excuse for me butting in and being the straw that broke the camels back. Not to mention the huge amount of guilt I felt. I still cry because I feel so bad for his ex. And now every time we fight I think about how he cheated on the mother of his children and wonder what he's capable of doing to me. I've been called every name in the book because of it. Nails in my tires, threats from her and her family, and he had to carry mace on him! After the divorce was final and her and I got into yet another argument, I broke down and said how incredibly sorry I felt. And on a good note, her and I get along now for the kids sake. But I know deep down she still probably wants to push me off a cliff and rightfully so. Just a few weeks ago I called my dad crying because my bf and I got into yet another blowout and you know what my own dad said to me!!?? ..."that's what you get for coming between a married couple!" So yea, I don't know your details or his and his wife's relationship but no matter how bad it may be, wait till the divorce or a legal separation is final. Don't get me wrong, I love my bf and his kids to death but I really set myself up for a bad situation. And most of all, if he's capable of being unfaithful to his wife then what you are to him now or in the future is no different. Hope I helped some!!

Edit: just a thought... you may want to work with your counselor on WHY you're attracted to unavailable men. There may be a underlying issue with your own self here. Maybe you like the idea of someone actually leaving a marriage for you or maybe that's not it at all. Question is, what if he was single? Would you still want to be with him that badly? In my case there is an issue within myself that makes me want unavailable men and their attention but I'm not here to talk about my issues.

[emijec]

...my concern is you. because you'll get hurt and it seems like you're ready to give love and affection and he isn't. you have to look out for yourself and your well being and I believe you're walking into an emotional trap.

even with what's happened so far, just slow it down or just stop from your end if you can. don't get hurt , it's the worst feeling... you'll be kicking yourself for years if you pursue this man and he hurts you. it's not worth the temporary attraction. don't get hurt.

you're awesome & deserve someone better, someone who loves you and wants to be with you and vice versa. I doubt it will happen with this man. distance. if he wants to be with you he will do things right and nort hurt you

[kimimila35]

I would strongly advise against this. Not for his sake but for yours. Having been in a similar situation, I know the hurt of it when he wants to work it out with the wife aftr I gave him my all. That was my first mistake. Giving him my all when it wasnt his to take or mine to give in the first place. He really needs to finish up with that relationship. Be there as a friend, sure. But please dont let him until the divorce papers ink is dried.

[ozzycat]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

I know already without reading replies that there's probably some controversy here. But I'm going to hold my breath and give my two cents because actually, my bf was married when we first got together and I'm not here to bash you but I'm going to speak from my experience. The marriage was pretty much over when I came along. She was using drugs, they slept i separate rooms, no sex for over a year, and both were seeking other people. But to be honest, that's no excuse for me butting in and being the straw that broke the camels back. Not to mention the huge amount of guilt I felt. I still cry because I feel so bad for his ex. And now every time we fight I think about how he cheated on the mother of his children and wonder what he's capable of doing to me. I've been called every name in the book because of it. Nails in my tires, threats from her and her family, and he had to carry mace on him! After the divorce was final and her and I got into yet another argument, I broke down and said how incredibly sorry I felt. And on a good note, her and I get along now for the kids sake. But I know deep down she still probably wants to push me off a cliff and rightfully so. Just a few weeks ago I called my dad crying because my bf and I got into yet another blowout and you know what my own dad said to me!!?? ..."that's what you get for coming between a married couple!" So yea, I don't know your details or his and his wife's relationship but no matter how bad it may be, wait till the divorce or a legal separation is final. Don't get me wrong, I love my bf and his kids to death but I really set myself up for a bad situation. And most of all, if he's capable of being unfaithful to his wife then what you are to him now or in the future is no different. Hope I helped some!!

Edit: just a thought... you may want to work with your counselor on WHY you're attracted to unavailable men. There may be a underlying issue with your own self here. Maybe you like the idea of someone actually leaving a marriage for you or maybe that's not it at all. Question is, what if he was single? Would you still want to be with him that badly? In my case there is an issue within myself that makes me want unavailable men and their attention but I'm not here to talk about my issues.

I am staying away from him and hopefully he is working on his marriage. After all he said those vows to her. Ifhe becomes single then yes maybe then. I know the temporary hurt I feel will fade away but I still think of him. I have never became attracted to a married man till him

[ozzycat]

Originally Posted by emijec

if he is truly unhappy he will seek counseling and marriage therapy. if he talks to you its bc you are his life preserver. that means he feels comfortable talking to you because he's tested the waters and the fact that youre still talking to him gives him the impression that youre willing to participate in his selfish cheating behavior, he's found his fool. it may be intentional or subconscious on hid part.

think about it this way.. imagine he is some prisoner locked up in jail and you have a key. do you honestly think he will talk to you because youre awesome and he wants to get to know you better or does he want the key?
if he wants to be with you . he will do things right, end marriage, regain emotional stability, then seek you out.. thats if he truly would want it to work... but even if he does that you think he'll want to celebrate his new found freedom by getting into another relationship? hell. no.
had a friend who got married bc he was so desperate to find someone, bad choice. he went with some chick while married . i ran into him 2 years later. asked how he was doing... long story short he had a kid, not with his wife, not with the girl he cheated on her with, but with a conpletely new person! and guess what? he's not even with that girl anymore either. now he has a kid he barely sees bc he's fighting with the mother . as it turns out.. cheating chick relationship didnt work out, he ranway from that and he said he fell hard and fast for nee chick, had a kid . once that blissful moment faded the problems resurfaced. i got all that from 15 minutes of conversation. its not hard to find out what these guys are about.

imagine what the girls in his life feel and are going through, do you want to be on that list of the girls of this guy's past? bc its goig to happen.

nothing but time will reveal his true colors. for your own emotional sake, just seek someone else.

p.s. always trust your gut. if you have a bad feeling, abort. plus, about 95% of your serotonin is in your gut , its why its called the 2nd brain. if it tells you something is not right, trust it.

I understand the guy always gets a free pass so to speak
And yes he did minipulate me to get into my head but I'm not going to sleep with him no matter how much I like him I know he will respect me for it and may look at me as relationship material if his marriage don't work

[ozzycat]

Either way I'm not waiting on him