I just want to vent...

I don't like my life right now. At all.

I came to live in NYC almost 4 years ago to pursue my career, also to be with my boyfriend who moved here first. After working my butt off like never before, making "magic" to make ends meet and reach my goals, I finally achieving what I wanted. But instead of enjoying life, I've found myself to feel very, very... lonely.

I don't love my job. Being from another culture, I feel inadequate in this environment. And I'm always questioning if I have what it takes. I never feel good enough, like an impostor. As you might tell, I have (undiagnosed) deep insecurity issues.

I don't have friends here. Used to have a bunch, but hey have moved out of the city. Making new friends just seems so hard in a place like this.

I miss my family and my friends back home. More than ever. I miss having fun with them, that's why I go there whenever I get a chance, which is like 2 times a year — not a lot.

And I love my boyfriend in a strange way... Not sure if I love him anymore, to be honest.

... Maybe the right thing to say is that I care about him, but I've been very slow to admit to myself that I won't have a future with him. I want to make plans, I want to get married, have a family, explore new things, and with him, it just seems like it's never going to happen because his life is so unstable, particularly financially speaking. I feel like I'm always waiting on him to get his life together, always hoping that things will get better for him, but at the same time I can't expect too much from him. And we are so different! I love to have fun, and laugh, and dance... And he is always so serious. I constantly feel like this is not the kind of love I should have, but I'm afraid to move on, I fear I might regret it. More than anything, I fear I might just feel even lonelier than ever. The thought alone of not having SOMEONE nearby who cares about me makes me panic.

Every time I go home, I recharge myself with all the warmth and energy from my loved ones. I try to enjoy the most out of every little second of it no matter how tired I am. But when I come back here, I feel even worse, you know? Every weekend is just another reminder of how bored and sad and alone I feel over here.

And honestly, I don't know what to do.

What if you moved back to your home city/area?

I feel this way alot lately, like I want to move to another city or state. Thinking of starting new somewhere else is a bit scary, I just find more and more where I live it's a bit too conservative for me, especially with religion, and other things as well.

I know I wish I was closer to my brother, he is in NJ, and I know he won't come here to live, and I couldn't afford to move back where he is still. Plus, I don't want to leave because I have a dear friend here and I don't want to leave him. I wish we could just move somewhere together, start new. He is the reason I'm staying here.

I try and stay busy, but it doesn't always work, I still come home to an empty apt, and get depressed all over again. It's been 8 years since my divorce and being alone is too much on me already for that many years.

Go back home,relationships are more important than career,you invest all your time at some workplace and when you die or leave that place none of them will care in the slighest but people that love you and care about you will honour you.
Why can't you get a job in your home country? Do you need a certain amount of money because you want to buy lots of things?