[SisyphusString]

For 2 years, my husband lied to me about his friendship with an ex-girlfriend of mine. She was my friend, but 2 years ago, we had a disagreement and although we kept in touch, we were no longer close as before. However, my husband continued to see her. Whenever I traveled on work, he would go out with her but hide this from me or lie about it. He also lied about phone calls and text messages from her; he would invite her to family dinners and outings without telling me so that I would always be surprised to find her there. This deceitful behavior went on for 2 years and when I confronted him, he denied lying to me. Things went from bad to worse between us, and we barely spoke to each other. I couldn't sleep at night and both of us were depressed. Things got worse after she figured out that my husband was lying to me about anything to do with her and started lying to me herself, so that his lies would remain "protected". This was the final humiliation for me. I believe that even though there was no physical or sexual relationship between them, my husband committed "emotional infidelity". By this time, we were on the brink of divorce.

I had a massive showdown with him and he finally admitted his guilt after I literally bombarded him with example after example of his lies and deceit over the past 2 years. I believe he was genuinely ashamed and sorry for what he had done, and in a way, I think he was getting tired of lying to me, and was glad to get it off his chest finally. Now, our relationship is on the mend, and I believe that it is only because we still love each other that we have managed to reach the stage we are at today. Now, I never bring the subject up, nor do I remind him of what he did to me because I do not want to humiliate him or use the past to denigrate him.

However, I feel that admitting guilt is only the first step. I believe I also have a right to know WHY he did what he did. But I am afraid to ask him because I do not want to resurrect the past and remind him of his deceitful behavior, which would only embarrass and humiliate him. At the same time, the need to know why is eating at me. I am still unable to sleep well, and although the insomnia is not as bad as before, and I am less depressed, this question still haunts me. Am I expecting too much to want to know why, or should I simply accept his apology and genuine shame at what he did? How do I get him to tell me why without embarrassing him?

SS

[adele96]

oh of course you're not expecting too much!!!! ask him!!!! tell him you need to know why. there's nothing wrong with bringing up the past if it is unfinished. besides i don't think he should have got off so lightly.

[Direction]

I think in your mind and probably your heart you probably know the answer to your question...I'm all for candid sit-down conversations...If you feel you want to hear the reasons from his own month, go ahead and ask

[50guy]

Could it be that she was just a friend and he didn't want you to get mad at him for just talking to her and seeing her for lunch, etc.

If there was no sex involved it wasn't an affair, it was a friendship. I don't believe in "emotional affairs". It is just another word for jealousy

[Direction]

or could there be more to it...beyond an emotional affair?

[SisyphusString]

Perhaps I was jealous, but there's no doubt that on his part it wasn't simply not wanting me to get mad at him about seeing her and talking to her. Why lie for 2 whole years about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to do with her? Why tell me he is at home watching TV when he is out with her when I am traveling? Not once, not twice, but every single time I was away. If he was going out with someone else he didn't lie to me. Why invite her to dinner in a restaurant where we're celebrating our son's birthday and not tell me, but tell me about everyone else he's invited? And again for my daughter's birthday? And again when we're having a party at home? Why lie about phone calls and text messages and tell me they are from her sister or her brother in law?

When I had a disagreement with her 2 years ago, he chose to be defensive of her rather than of me, which hurt me at the time but would have been ok with me had he given me reasons for why he believed she was right and I was not. I may not have appreciated his opinion then, I might even have got upset, but at least it would have been honest. Instead, he chose the coward's way out by not being frank with me at the outset and continuing contact with her behind my back, leading to hundreds of lies over 2 years and bringing our marriage to the brink of total break up. Why would he jeopardize his 20 year old marriage simply because he thought I was jealous or because I would be upset at his seeing her? There must have been a reason strong enough to make him want to deceive me, whom he claimed to love more than anyone else, not once or twice, but repeatedly for 2 whole years! I need to know that reason, be it infatuation, emotional affair, whatever.

[Direction]

With this kind of deceit...please prepare yourself for the response...this level of hiding is never good...

I don't think the question is "Why would he jeopardize his 20 year old marriage simply because he thought I was jealous or because I would be upset at his seeing her?"

I don't think it will have anything to do with he didn't want you to be jealous or upset...

I'm sorry you are going through this...you may want to talk to a therapist to help you sort through all this...

[Fuzzybear]

[sassypants]

I think you have the right to know, why and what was he doing during those 2 years of lying. I'm sorry, but I really
would not have taken it. This is only because while I was
married, my ex lied to me about where he was going. I
finally tracked him down at 2 a.m. coming out of a local
bar with his friend. They each had a woman with them.I never
trusted him after that. I warned him, that if he was not home in five min. I would divorce him. I also told the woman, don't you know that he is a married man??I ended up divorcing
him, and that was the best thing, I ever did in my life.
Good luck ,