In Law Issue

Just as a general synopsis, my fiancé and I got pregnant unplanned. His parents offered to let us live in their basement while we got on our feet financially—a hard situation for any two adult couples regardless. This family was very prone to screaming matches and mean, hurtful words. I grew up in a “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything” environment, so I usually removed myself when the screaming started…When my daughter was 3 mos old, I found out that the finance’s parents, esp his mother, were horribly physically and emotionally abusive to him and his sister. At that point, I didn’t let her know it, but I stopped letting her babysit my daughter. About a month after that, his mother got angry while holding my daughter and passed her to me very aggressively. Instead of engaging in a huge screaming match, I packed a few things to tide me over a few days and checked myself and my daughter into a hotel room. They threatened to “get nasty” if I didn’t come back, so I discussed my feelings to my fiance, and we decided that it would be best for me to move to my mother’s house (1000 miles away) until we could get the situation sorted out.

Back then, I asked for some space to think-the only contact I had with them. They didn’t contact me for 3 weeks, then started bombarding me with cards, text messages, etc. I responded to one message that I would like some time to cool off. His mother flipped out. I wrote her a letter, saying that I had asked for space and was not given it, so as I was being pressured for a response right then, the only answer I felt comfortable giving was that I had not seen enough anger control on her part to be comfortable with my daughter being around her unsupervised, but that I did not want to cut them completely out of my daughter’s life. Fiance’s father texted me back 2 weeks later that my letter “did not deserve a response.”

After that, my fiancé joined us here and rented a house together. I slowly began sending them text pictures and videos of my daughter; we had a couple of nice, short conversations revolving around their granddaughter. My daughter’s birthday is coming up, so we let them know 3 months before I sent out the invitations so that they could make travel arrangements.

Two weeks ago, finances mother group texted my fiancé, his father, and me that she had opened a bank statement of mine delivered to them and had my account closed as my balance was $0 (small town bank). I was outraged that she had opened my mail (the one hard rule I set while I was living with them), but merely texted back “In the future, please throw all mail not forwarded to me by the post master in the trash.” The next two hours, the father and mother went back and forth making jibes at how entitled I am (for wanting my postal privacy) and ungrateful for anything.

I vented to my mother about this incident, and she texted the mother, “Back off my daughter.” She shouldn’t have, but…I do understand now that I’m a mom.

Two weeks went by. No word. Then, the father texts my mother back, “How dare you threaten my wife…we try to help and get s*** on, is that how you raise her?”

Clearly a textbook narcissistic family tree, centered around the mother. I am engaged to the scapegoat, who absolutely refuses to acknowledge how far the abuse he suffered as a child hurt him. Now, we discuss what happened to my daughter, and he says, “It wasn’t that bad” or “She looks fine to me.” Not the point with abuse...

My question now is, how do I deal with a co-parent who doesn’t acknowledge abuse because he was abused so badly? And also, do I really let these people come to my daughter’s birthday party? I didn’t want to cut them out, but they are being so mean and ugly, especially considering their history with children, I am extremely uncomfortable having them around my child. (Note: If it were one party that'd be one thing, but as they are out of town, they would come and rent a hotel and stick around for a few days...)

Hello LovetheKing: This situation is really beyond the Skeezyks' level of experience. So I'm afraid I can be of little help with resolving your dilemma. But I saw that you had not yet received a reply to your Thread. So I thought I would at least leave a reply letting you know I had read it.

Personally, I have never had any tolerance for this kind of disagreement & "infighting". I have always simply turned my back & walked away from these types of situations. It's probably not the ideal solution. But my experience tells to me that people don't change their attitudes or behaviors very much, especially over the short term. And trying to keep figuring out ways to work around peoples' anger simply ends up making the whole situation just that much more complicated. The more you try to figure out ways to make peace, the more enmeshed you become in the whole dysfunctional relationship.

Of course, in your case, there are also some legalities involved since your child's father has legal rights where the child is concerned. My personal opinion is that this is a situation that is going to present ongoing challenges... probably for many years to come. It may be something that would be best addressed, over an extended period of time, with the help of a skilled family therapist. I wish you well...

If you can and your mom is willing, it's probably best to stay put and where you are, building your life from that point.

Have you read anything about "Verbal Judo" or "Non Violent Communication"? There's a way to communicate disengaged and putting your emotions aside, at least in the moment, until it's safe to express them.

It's ok to say, "I'm not going to have this conversation with you."

And as a relationship piece of advice, maybe keep whatever emotional feelings that you have about his family, out of his earshot. The baby lives right there where you both are right now. You are not obligated to move back with his family. Wherever the baby does have their full first 5 years does become state of custody.

Maybe they won't go to the party? And if they do, just disengage from emotions.