[Lucyloobear]

I've just read an article about codependent parents and it describes my relationship with my mother perfectly. It concludes that to solve it, either family planning could work or severing ties with the parent.

Family planning? That would never happen. I wouldn't even be able to get into the conversation on the topic to even suggest the idea to my mum. Even if I did, there's no chance she would agree.

Severing ties with her? My boyfriend has said numerous times that it's going to come to this because of how miserable she makes me. Deep down I think I know it would be best, for me, because of how miserable she makes me for no reason whatsoever.

But I love her so much. I love her unconditionally and I know that she does too, but she doesn't realise how she is (which is one of the features of a codependent parent). So severing ties with her scares me. I never want to lose her. But if I continue I will continue to spend every weekend I visit home crying over something stupid where she's lost the plot and gone mad because there's one plate in the sink that's been unwashed. Yeah that argument happens without fail every week. She kicked me out the house because when I visited home for Mother's Day (I'm at university) I made her breakfast in bed and she didn't like it and thought it was unthoughtful. At Christmas I went home and I hadn't even reached the house yet and I was crying on the phone to my boyfriend because she didn't like a message I passed on to her from my uncle, and she proceeded to send me the nastiest texts I've ever received. I can't deal with any of that anymore. But the thought of her being on her own (she's very alone and has depression) or me hurting her more than she already is, is killing me.

[Little Lulu]

Oh, so sorry to hear things with your mother are tough. Family relationships can be such breeding grounds for unhealthy behaviors. Maybe there is something between severing ties completely and being totally enmeshed with your mother. Do you have a CoDependents Anonymous group that meets in your area? That might be a good place to start. It can take a lot of effort to change the dynamics of a long-standing relationship. You can start with yourself and leave her out of it. All it takes is for one person to get 'healthier' for things to begin to improve. (((Hugs)))

[Lucyloobear]

Originally Posted by Little Lulu

Oh, so sorry to hear things with your mother are tough. Family relationships can be such breeding grounds for unhealthy behaviors. Maybe there is something between severing ties completely and being totally enmeshed with your mother. Do you have a CoDependents Anonymous group that meets in your area? That might be a good place to start. It can take a lot of effort to change the dynamics of a long-standing relationship. You can start with yourself and leave her out of it. All it takes is for one person to get 'healthier' for things to begin to improve. (((Hugs)))

Thank you. I've never heard of such a group so I'll do some research and find out! Yeah I'm thinking if I become strong enough first in order to be able to have the confidence to tell her how I feel without being scared of the outcome or the fact she's likely not to listen, then that could actually be the first step to helping her realise that there is a problem with how I'm feeling and that we can both help it. Thank you.

[RomanSunburn]

I agree that getting help for yourself is probably the best first step. If you can't find a CoDependents Anonymous, just look for individual therapy, probably with a family therapist. I think at some point, you could offer her the choice to join you in therapy, and if she says no? Well, she says no. By that point, I hope and agree, that you'll be strong enough to handle her decision.

[healingme4me]

Having read this, scratch my suggestion from your other thread.

I see what you mean about letting what happens, happen.

((((gentle hugs))))