[LaDauphine]

I'm getting married and just want to cry only I can't.

My in-laws have been completely useless, financially and emotionally despite begging us to let them contribute, participate, etc.

My FSIL got knocked up by a total loser and it's really put a dent into an already weak family. She was involved with the wedding planning and my biggest source of support, but I've been abandoned so she can take care of herself and her family. If her boyfriend wasn't so toxic I'd be more than OK to take a back seat to something as beautiful as a baby, but they already have 4 kids between them (they're under 30) and to see another one on its way into that dynamic is just so depressing. I had to pay for her dress and I doubt she'll live up to her promise of paying for the cake which means we have another unexpected expense.

The worst part about all of this though is the relationship I now have with my FI. He got hit hard at work this year and had to take a much lower paying job (less than half of his usual income) and I know that was a huge blow to his ego, but he's also abandoned me with the planning. He wants to spend more time playing soccer with his friends than he does at home and I know it's because he feels like some unsung hero with them (he's their star player and it's a farm team for the MLS) and a total failure at home, but WTF am I supposed to do about that? I can't take care of him, the dog, myself and plan a wedding. It's so unfair that he just gets to go to work and come home. That's it. No phone calls. No e-mails. No work after work. Did I mention I do all the cooking and cleaning, too? I became so withdrawn from his lack of help that he actually approached me and ASKED if there was something he could do so I gave him a list. He hasn't even started one thing on this list so what's the point of his existence? Why even bother talking about the wedding with him? I feel like it's just me and my mother who's been a HUGE help.
Anyway, he finally got his contract with his old employer and although he says he's now in a position to pay off some wedding tabs, I just don't think he will. He's talking about getting a new ****ing hat and all I can think is, really? We owe thousands of dollars and you're thinking about a hat.
I'm starting to resent him. And seriously panic about my future. It's like is this the best I can get? He loves me, yes and treats me well he is just so USELESS when it comes to this wedding.I strongly believe if you want something done do it yourself and if you sign other people up for tasks they'll just disappoint you, but I'm overwhelmed.

He doesn't even see how much danger I'm in of a complete break down because I've done nothing but keep myself together. I'm a pretty emotional person so to have this cool calm demeanor is somewhat disturbing. I feel like I have someone who loves me yet I'm more alone than ever.

I don't even know what advice I'm seeking. I'm just worried that my FI doesn't want to get married because the procedure has been so much work and that he doesn't want to come home. I get it because I feel the same way about him coming home. All he does is create MORE work for me. Cooking. Cleaning. Sex. I never wanted to be that wife who didn't want to have sex with her husband, but it's hard to want to when you're so disappointed about how things are turning out.

[divine1966]

I am sorry. It sounds stressful. Honestly if you are broke and already are in debt why have expensive wedding? Why not just do something simple. You don't need a reception at all or even a cake. You really need no celebrations. Wedding suppose to be about starting partnership and life together not about celebrations . If celebration adds something positive then sure but if it's miserable like this then what's the point. If things are sour I wouldn't worry about wedding expense but worry about how things will work out in the long run. How long you've been together?

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[Anrea]

Marriage is a pain. I say take a break. Just put it off. Say," Hey I love you, but lets go back to what we were before all this and see where it takes us again".

I have been married unhappily, and my soul TOLD me not to marry him, but I used my brain to make the decision and ended up divorced. Worse thing in the world I ever did to my life was marry after ignoring the negative signs, and my own inner voice. It was a self betrayal.

The soul knows what is right. It isn't about his soccer playing, or the inlaws, it is about the signs telling you to GET OUT NOW.

[LaDauphine]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry. It sounds stressful. Honestly if you are broke and already are in debt why have expensive wedding? Why not just do something simple. You don't need a reception at all or even a cake. You really need no celebrations. Wedding suppose to be about starting partnership and life together not about celebrations . If celebration adds something positive then sure but if it's miserable like this then what's the point. If things are sour I wouldn't worry about wedding expense but worry about how things will work out in the long run. How long you've been together?

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We're not broke. We're not rich, but we can buy almost anything we want (within reason) with some planning. We just got a new car too that's an added expense.
This wedding isn't outside of our means or anything, it's just so much work and so much money that I'm getting tired of spending all of MINE on it. FI pays 75% of all bills and expenses, but still... I'm the one doing ALL the work.

[LaDauphine]

Originally Posted by Anrea

Marriage is a pain. I say take a break. Just put it off. Say," Hey I love you, but lets go back to what we were before all this and see where it takes us again".

I have been married unhappily, and my soul TOLD me not to marry him, but I used my brain to make the decision and ended up divorced. Worse thing in the world I ever did to my life was marry after ignoring the negative signs, and my own inner voice. It was a self betrayal.

The soul knows what is right. It isn't about his soccer playing, or the inlaws, it is about the signs telling you to GET OUT NOW.

The sad thing is, I think the issue I have with him I'll have with EVERY man only with him they're less in comparison. I know I sound like a feminist, but I just find men to be so weak and useless and incompetent that it's like I've just accepted that's the way it is. If I compare his "uselessness" to others I see around me mine is by far a better mate, but I feel stuck.

I almost feel like I don't want a husband... I want a wife. My equal. Someone who can do things without me constantly micro managing them.

If he has a "task" like dinner for example, he asks me questionafter question that it ends up being 2x as much work for ME. All he's trying to do is make dinner and it ends up being more work and I'm resenting him for it.

I have no intentions of calling off the wedding. I'm just trying to adjust to our dynamic because I don't think things without him will be any better. I think some next guy will have the same inadequencies so I'm stuck in this circle

[Anrea]

Originally Posted by LaDauphine

If he has a "task" like dinner for example, he asks me questionafter question that it ends up being 2x as much work for ME. All he's trying to do is make dinner and it ends up being more work and I'm resenting him for it.

I used to have a micro managing boss that I asked too many questions of because they were so fussy. Dinner sounds like he is anxious to please. Maybe staying out of your hair is easier then making suggestions that get turned down by an overly critical mind? Do your past relationships say that you are hard to please?

[eskielover]

OK......from my own personal experience.......when we don't end up respecting the person we are about to marry, LOVE NEVER GROWS & it's probably NOT love that you are marrying for in the first place....at least, looking back, I realize that it wasn't for me.

Go back to 1975. I met this guy his senior year at the university. He was in one of my classes. Attitude issues. I worked hard to get good grades & was an outstanding student. He would just get buy & told me that he got bad grades in the classes where he thought he was smarter than the professor so didn't bother with the class. We got along & had similar interests in some things & we were both aiming for our computer degree & career. Because my parents had no education & I had serious issues with them, I blamed it on their lack of education so I thought that marrying a guy with a degree like I was aiming for, there wouldn't be the issues that I had with my parents. So we decided that getting married after he graduated would be OK.

He graduated & never bothered to do any of the on campus interviews with the companies there to see what jobs were available. He was SURE that because he worked for the bank while in college that their computer division would hire him after he graduated. We actually went there for his interview & I was looking at transferring to the university at that location to finish my degree. So after the interview, they got back with him & told him that his GPA wasn't high enough & they didn't hire anyone with less than a 3.0 GPA. His GPA was something like a 2.3. He was angry & blasted them that his GPA didn't say anything about his intelligence or his ability to do the job. I however reminded him that his GPA wasn't about his intelligence but about his attitude. Companies didn't want to hire someone who would decide they didn't want to do a job they were assigned because they thought they were too good for it or tell the boss where to go because they thought they were smarter. I was feeling some really bad stuff about him & his attitude & those red flags waived so much that I actually told my mom I wanted to stop the wedding & didn't want to get married to him.

She talked me out of it because he was basically a nice person & she assured me that he would become more responsible when he grew older & had to be responsible. I talked myself out of the red flags because I was sure that no one with education could have been anything like my dad which the red flags waiving were also telling me.

Before we got married though I sat down ground rules that I wasn't about to bend on (hoping that he would bail because he didn't agree). One was that I didn't want kids & that NOTHING was going to get in the way of my getting my degree or having my career since we were getting married before I graduated (changed majors as a junior from music to accounting/computer science). Also, if he ever walked out on a dinner I fixed like he had done to his mother, I was going to have the locks changes & he would NEVER be welcome home again. He said "NO PROBLEM" (his why will come later).

We fought like cats & dogs from the very beginning. Because he didn't get that job, he refused to go out looking for another job & just continued to work in his nothing job at the bank full time. When the bank had a holiday that other companies didn't, he chose to go play tennis rather than look for a job. I got so mad that I ended up quitting the job I had when the university started in fall forcing him into taking action. (I worked every school break to earn money to pay for my own college fees, books & tuition). He would ask insurance people to come into the house in the evenings without even asking me & there were times when I was studying & besides, I had stated to him exactly how I felt about the insurance he was wanting us to get involved in as I had wonderful professors at college who really helped me understand the financial aspects of the things he refused to see.....so we fought all the time.

I never grew to respect him.....because we were always in conflict & the conflict was basically related to the red flags I saw before I got married but I wasn't putting it together at that point.

Oh yes, & the sarcasm put downs that he started using on me after we got married. For awhile I was smashing him back with them myself & then I realized I hated living like that & being like that & told him at that point if he didn't stop, he could just get out of my life I wasn't going to tolerate his crap any longer. He actually worked on changing though it took a constant year of reminders & even then it wasn't great but a lot better with the sarcasm.

So 2 years into the marriage & I end up pregnant. The one thing I specifically had said before getting married was that NOTHING was getting in the way of my career.....so what was the first thing he said when I found out I was pregnant "Oh, you can take a few years off of & go back & get your degree later".....that wasn't just a battle at that point....it was war & I kicked him out.....he went crying to my parents & they offered to take care of our child while I got my degree & had my career. It worked out in the long run, but because of the way he acted, I never did grow to ever feel love for him. Everything with him was constant conflict.

I got my degree & I had my computer design engineer career for over 15 years....but I didn't realize that I was really hiding from the bad marriage in getting my degree & in my career. The last 13 years were hell & I was finally able to escape after he made a total financial disaster out of our life when major depression took over after I no longer had my career.

I stayed living in that marriage for 33 miserable years. Yes, we had vacation condo & we had nice cars (oh yes, every time I talked about getting a divorce, he would go out looking at new cars & end up talking me into buying a car rather than getting a divorce.....his logic was always....2 people can live together cheaper than one. The last 13 years got so bad, I lived in my own part of the house & when psych hospitals are better than staying at home....you know there is a serious problem. I never thought life would go that way.

I also never thought I could escape from that life, thus the suicide attempts & the hospitalizations. Ironic, my mom died, I sold her house & took my money & left the marriage. It's only been in these last 9 years that I have been able to honestly look back & see what had really been going on in my life & that if I had honestly honored those red flags & not married him that my life would have been so much better off....even if it was being alone rather than being married.

If you can......put yourself farther out in your life & see if what it might feel like if you are still feeling about him the way you feel now....just how miserable will you honestly be? Even though you have plenty of money to do things with....money doesn't buy happiness with someone & if you have a lack of respect for them NOW, it will NOT improve with time & will completely limit the growth of any love at all.

[divine1966]

I really don't understand why you are marrying a man whom you find weak useless and incompetent. It sounds pretty awful idea to marry someone like that. It sounds like a bad idea to me.

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[LaDauphine]

Originally Posted by Anrea

I used to have a micro managing boss that I asked too many questions of because they were so fussy. Dinner sounds like he is anxious to please. Maybe staying out of your hair is easier then making suggestions that get turned down by an overly critical mind? Do your past relationships say that you are hard to please?

He asks way too many questions. I feel like his boss. I asked him to help me out by thinking of 2 meal plans per week (just so it could be 2 less decisions I have to make) and this is what he came back with: Chicken and fish. Huh? Do you know how many meal combinations have chicken and fish? I had to go back and tell him to make the ENTIRE meal including the type of chicken and the side. As a result, I ended up having to go to the grocery store mid-week because he didn't bother to think to look at the types of things we have. It ended up being twice as much work for me. I used to love cooking for him, but now I almost hate it because I have to think about every little detail.

I don't think any past relationships would say I'm any more hard to please than some women. I am, admittedly, high maintenance, but only concerning myself. The only expectations I rely on are those I set for myself. Anything anyone else does is beyond my control. He knows this. Then when I go into Independent Woman mode he tells me he feels useless. THEN. DO. SOMETHING. For example, I asked him to ask his buddy to see if he can get my car detailed for free or discounted as he works at a dealership that sponsored his soccer team. I spend about $300 once a year to get mine done so it's an expense I'd like to omit if I could. He was SO proud to announce he had this connection, but I guarantee you he'll never book the appointment for my car. Then one day he'll notice mine has been done and he'll freak out that I didn't "let" him handle it. (I've been reminding him for 3 weeks now and come the end of May I'm doing it my damn self.)

Like I said, these aren't big issues once dissected, but add them together and I'm f-ing overwhelmed! I feel like I'd just get more done by myself. Like he's just some accessory I don't even care to wear in my life because he's not doing much that I can't do myself. What's the point of the partnership?

[LaDauphine]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I really don't understand why you are marrying a man whom you find weak useless and incompetent. It sounds pretty awful idea to marry someone like that. It sounds like a bad idea to me.

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Aren't all men weak and useless and incompetent?

He doesn't mis treat me. He loves me. He's just so much work. If I kicke dhim to the curb, I'd end up with another just like him.

[LaDauphine]

Originally Posted by eskielover

OK......from my own personal experience.......when we don't end up respecting the person we are about to marry, LOVE NEVER GROWS & it's probably NOT love that you are marrying for in the first place....at least, looking back, I realize that it wasn't for me.

Go back to 1975. I met this guy his senior year at the university. He was in one of my classes. Attitude issues. I worked hard to get good grades & was an outstanding student. He would just get buy & told me that he got bad grades in the classes where he thought he was smarter than the professor so didn't bother with the class. We got along & had similar interests in some things & we were both aiming for our computer degree & career. Because my parents had no education & I had serious issues with them, I blamed it on their lack of education so I thought that marrying a guy with a degree like I was aiming for, there wouldn't be the issues that I had with my parents. So we decided that getting married after he graduated would be OK.

He graduated & never bothered to do any of the on campus interviews with the companies there to see what jobs were available. He was SURE that because he worked for the bank while in college that their computer division would hire him after he graduated. We actually went there for his interview & I was looking at transferring to the university at that location to finish my degree. So after the interview, they got back with him & told him that his GPA wasn't high enough & they didn't hire anyone with less than a 3.0 GPA. His GPA was something like a 2.3. He was angry & blasted them that his GPA didn't say anything about his intelligence or his ability to do the job. I however reminded him that his GPA wasn't about his intelligence but about his attitude. Companies didn't want to hire someone who would decide they didn't want to do a job they were assigned because they thought they were too good for it or tell the boss where to go because they thought they were smarter. I was feeling some really bad stuff about him & his attitude & those red flags waived so much that I actually told my mom I wanted to stop the wedding & didn't want to get married to him.

She talked me out of it because he was basically a nice person & she assured me that he would become more responsible when he grew older & had to be responsible. I talked myself out of the red flags because I was sure that no one with education could have been anything like my dad which the red flags waiving were also telling me.

Before we got married though I sat down ground rules that I wasn't about to bend on (hoping that he would bail because he didn't agree). One was that I didn't want kids & that NOTHING was going to get in the way of my getting my degree or having my career since we were getting married before I graduated (changed majors as a junior from music to accounting/computer science). Also, if he ever walked out on a dinner I fixed like he had done to his mother, I was going to have the locks changes & he would NEVER be welcome home again. He said "NO PROBLEM" (his why will come later).

We fought like cats & dogs from the very beginning. Because he didn't get that job, he refused to go out looking for another job & just continued to work in his nothing job at the bank full time. When the bank had a holiday that other companies didn't, he chose to go play tennis rather than look for a job. I got so mad that I ended up quitting the job I had when the university started in fall forcing him into taking action. (I worked every school break to earn money to pay for my own college fees, books & tuition). He would ask insurance people to come into the house in the evenings without even asking me & there were times when I was studying & besides, I had stated to him exactly how I felt about the insurance he was wanting us to get involved in as I had wonderful professors at college who really helped me understand the financial aspects of the things he refused to see.....so we fought all the time.

I never grew to respect him.....because we were always in conflict & the conflict was basically related to the red flags I saw before I got married but I wasn't putting it together at that point.

Oh yes, & the sarcasm put downs that he started using on me after we got married. For awhile I was smashing him back with them myself & then I realized I hated living like that & being like that & told him at that point if he didn't stop, he could just get out of my life I wasn't going to tolerate his crap any longer. He actually worked on changing though it took a constant year of reminders & even then it wasn't great but a lot better with the sarcasm.

So 2 years into the marriage & I end up pregnant. The one thing I specifically had said before getting married was that NOTHING was getting in the way of my career.....so what was the first thing he said when I found out I was pregnant "Oh, you can take a few years off of & go back & get your degree later".....that wasn't just a battle at that point....it was war & I kicked him out.....he went crying to my parents & they offered to take care of our child while I got my degree & had my career. It worked out in the long run, but because of the way he acted, I never did grow to ever feel love for him. Everything with him was constant conflict.

I got my degree & I had my computer design engineer career for over 15 years....but I didn't realize that I was really hiding from the bad marriage in getting my degree & in my career. The last 13 years were hell & I was finally able to escape after he made a total financial disaster out of our life when major depression took over after I no longer had my career.

I stayed living in that marriage for 33 miserable years. Yes, we had vacation condo & we had nice cars (oh yes, every time I talked about getting a divorce, he would go out looking at new cars & end up talking me into buying a car rather than getting a divorce.....his logic was always....2 people can live together cheaper than one. The last 13 years got so bad, I lived in my own part of the house & when psych hospitals are better than staying at home....you know there is a serious problem. I never thought life would go that way.

I also never thought I could escape from that life, thus the suicide attempts & the hospitalizations. Ironic, my mom died, I sold her house & took my money & left the marriage. It's only been in these last 9 years that I have been able to honestly look back & see what had really been going on in my life & that if I had honestly honored those red flags & not married him that my life would have been so much better off....even if it was being alone rather than being married.

If you can......put yourself farther out in your life & see if what it might feel like if you are still feeling about him the way you feel now....just how miserable will you honestly be? Even though you have plenty of money to do things with....money doesn't buy happiness with someone & if you have a lack of respect for them NOW, it will NOT improve with time & will completely limit the growth of any love at all.

This sounds awful, . Your entire youth was.... wasted. That's so sad, .
The issues I have with him I've had with every man. I somewhat boil it down to a gender thing and I see people dealign with these issues so it's like I'm bitter I have to accept it. It'd be pointless to walk out on a marriage because of this. Ijust feel I need to get better at coping.

[TishaBuv]

I got married to have the security of his income and to have children. I saw every indication that we could have a great life together. I felt love for him, but my head led me more than my heart. I thought the love would grow, and it should have.

He also had absolutely nothing to do with the wedding beyond getting a tux and showing up. My mother and I did it all. All he said was "Don't wear a gown with puffy shoulders and a bow on your *****". Weddings are always stressful. It wasn't the planning that upset me, it was other things.

I guess, what I am saying to you is look at the big picture. He might just be Mr. Right Now. You might just be getting married in order to have children. Then... Who knows?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by LaDauphine

Aren't all men weak and useless and incompetent?


He doesn't mis treat me. He loves me. He's just so much work. If I kicke dhim to the curb, I'd end up with another just like him.

Nope. Not all men are.

If you are with him because you think you can't get better that's not a good reason to get married. I am getting married too and I'd never describe my fiancée the way you described yours. I wouldn't even be in a relationship with him! Granted we are older and it's our second marriage. But my ex husband is not weak or useless or incompetent either, we were just too young to get married and had nothing in common. But we co parented great. I would never have children with useless men.

Do you plan on having kids? What would they learn from observing such dynamics? And is he going to be useless father too? That's a scary notion. I'd reconsider marriage.

And if you had same issues with every man it could be because that's the kind of men you attract not that every men is the same. I knew a woman who was married three times all three men are alcoholics. It doesn't mean every man on this planet is an alcoholic. Just that that's who she keeps going for because that's familiar and all she knows. Not good reason to marry IMHO

[eskielover]

I somewhat boil it down to a gender thing and I see people dealign with these issues so it's like I'm bitter I have to accept it. It'd be pointless to walk out on a marriage because of this.

You would be better off alone & not married than in a marriage like that & if all the men you know are like that then seriously you are better off alone. You will be less miserable because I doubt if better coping will change anything any more than it would have for me.

Hey, life is wonderful alone now....yes, I wish I had left before I ever got married but at least I am having a wonderful life now & I love being alone & wouldn't change that in any way unless some really wonderful guy were to come along because I KNOW that they aren't all like that. I have met many who aren't & who are in very wonderful happy marriages....but yes, there are always problems in one's marriage & maybe it's your view of men that you see them all that way, even maybe those who aren't. But as long as that is your view of men, you are better off alone because you will NEVER be happy in a marriage & always ending up in divorce.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by LaDauphine

Aren't all men weak and useless and incompetent?

He doesn't mis treat me. He loves me. He's just so much work. If I kicke dhim to the curb, I'd end up with another just like him.

No, they are not all that way, and from your earlier post saying so does not make you a feminist. That is not what feminists think. Have you had a talk about how you will split finances? Regardless of being able to afford the wedding, maybe it would be better if you didn't have the big ceremony, and just used that money for a longer honeymoon. It would ease the stress.

[hubieg]

Originally Posted by LaDauphine

Aren't all men weak and useless and incompetent?

He doesn't mis treat me. He loves me. He's just so much work. If I kicke dhim to the curb, I'd end up with another just like him.

I apologize ahead of time if what I say comes across as rude but for heaven sake if you feel this way WHY ON EARTH are you planning a wedding?! To be completely blunt, you are coming across as a spoiled brat in this! If the two of you cannot even come together to plan a wedding, how on earth do you think you can live together with the challenges of LIFE?!

Do you not think that he will not eventually pick up on this attitude (if he hasnt already)? All I can picture is him trying to please you with a nice meal and returning to the kitchen with his tail tucked between his legs because of asking some questions. Men can sense emotions just as well as women, the difference is we usually dont show it, we simply go on to try harder to please.

For your sake and his, call off the wedding until you both grow up and can see and really LOVE each other.

[divine1966]

I think the way you describe your relationship and him as a partner on this and other threads doesn't indicate healthy relationship or good compatibility. I would focus on improving relationship ( if possible) rather than things like cake. Etc

I wonder if you focus on mundane things because you don't want to look at a bigger picture. Like you are upset he wants to buy a hat yet you state you two can buy everything you want. That's confusing. If you aren't broke him buying a hat shouldn't be that big of a deal. Unless it's made of gold.

At the same time if he pays 75% of everything why are you upset he wants to buy a hat? Do you work? How much do you contribute to the household?

Do you even love this guy? I strongly advice seek couples counseling and put off the wedding for now

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Originally Posted by LaDauphine

Aren't all men weak and useless and incompetent?

No... In fact, the vast majority of them are not.

The man I just broke things off with was completely unable to meet my needs emotionally in a relationship, but I would never consider him weak and useless and incompetent. He is a competent, consistent, and attentive father. He is a competent, intelligent, and useful journalist. He is a competent and strong fencer (and from what I can tell, pretty fierce in a competition). He is a very competent cook. He is a strong and competent friend.

There are just too many aspects to a relationship to just be able to completely write off a man as weak, incompetent and useless. I find this statement very generalizing, and I think that it stems from something deeper which you may want to explore.

PS This is not a feminist statement at all. Feminists do not consider men weak, useless, and incompetent. Feminists want to be equal to men so...considering men to be that way would be a little counter-intuitive. That statement is what gives feminists a bad rap.

[eskielover]

PS This is not a feminist statement at all. Feminists do not consider men weak, useless, and incompetent. Feminists want to be equal to men so...considering men to be that way would be a little counter-intuitive. That statement is what gives feminists a bad rap.

. So very true. We want to be considered their equal & that would not be wanting to be weak, useless, & incompetent.

It would be wise to initially postpone a wedding to this person until you get YOUR feelings about this resolved. LOVE can never grow in an environment where there is a lack of respect. Marriages don't grow when we are JUST TOLERATING the other person (unknowing I learned the hard way as I said in my previous post). Why put effort into a marriage that will only end up in divorce. With your attitude, you are better off living alone....you will overall be a lot happier.

[divine1966]

Feminist? Did I miss that? Ending up with useless men does not make anyone a feminist. Maybe having low standards in men as settling for unsuitable men, but not a feminist. If they aren't useless but you just perceive them this way then perhaps you can work on your attitude perception. But still it's not being a feminist.

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Is there anyone you can talk to that you trust? Please rethink what you are doing. Better to change your mind now then to live with the consequences. You think you are strong but the decision you are making is coming from a weak place.

[Anrea]

I put in a decade with someone I started out being friends with. 10 years. Just because I thought it was time. I can never get those years back, and I grew to hate that person, being married to someone you don't respect is A.W.F.U.L! Getting married isn't just a decision of the head. If the voice inside yourself really doesn't like the guy, even if you think you love him - you gotta like him too. You just don't like this guy. You are going to force him to live with someone who is constantly trying to change him, belittle him, rework him. That isn't love. In my family, 3 of us didn't find the person we really loved until our late 30's and 40's. When it happens, you feel it solid as the bones in your body, and just as deep.

Wait to find the right person. This guy clearly isn't it.

I agree with Anrea. It's not fair to this guy at all. And it's not fair to you, either, because you'd probably be happier with someone else. Or heck, even alone.

[Trippin2.0]

If you really love him you wouldn't marry him. You'd put him first and set him free because you'd want him to be really happy. You have a low opinion of him and will never be satisfied with what he brings to the table. You already resent him,that's no way to start a life together.


Don't keep making a mistake just because you've already started...


In the very least, postpone and go to pre-marital counseling. Maybe your opinion of him and men in general can change or maybe you both realize marriage to each other is a colossal mistake. Either way you both avoid the heartache of a failed marriage, especially him, since he'll probably be blindsided.


Unless you've been honest and told him you think he's weak, incompetent and useless, then its his own fault for marrying you.


Ps. Every couple I know who's gotten married because its the "next logical step" have ended up divorced.

Marriage should be entered into when the mind, heart and body of both parties unanimously agree its the thing they want most.