[lmph8885]

I am almost 31. Maybe the title is misleading, I have been in love, but NEVER loved back. I don't know how it feels to be and be with a person that loves me the way I do. I see happening to other people, never me. I hate my loneliness and I gradually became an alcoholic because of the void I feel for not experiencing love. I have so many fantasies, of a man that I love and loves me back. I'd literally do everything to keep him happy, even more than other girls do for their bfs. I have been in relationships, I never love back my exes no matter how much I try. I decided to be on my own now, not with anyone but my life is awfully lonely. A guy that used to like me blocked me on whatsapp because of my moaning and drinking problems. I wish I would stop drinking, but I can't cope with the void I have. Plus, people say I am unattractive, that I am fat and that I look like a man. I have thought about killing myself because I need love and romance in my life but can't have it. I just don't want to live anymore. If I ever experience a reciprocated love, and enjoy it at least for a few weeks, then I could die as a happy woman. But no, it is not for me, never for me. I am old now to find that anyway.

[TooManyDays]

Originally Posted by lmph8885

I am almost 31. Maybe the title is misleading, I have been in love, but NEVER loved back. I don't know how it feels to be and be with a person that loves me the way I do. I see happening to other people, never me. I hate my loneliness and I gradually became an alcoholic because of the void I feel for not experiencing love. I have so many fantasies, of a man that I love and loves me back. I'd literally do everything to keep him happy, even more than other girls do for their bfs. I have been in relationships, I never love back my exes no matter how much I try. I decided to be on my own now, not with anyone but my life is awfully lonely. A guy that used to like me blocked me on whatsapp because of my moaning and drinking problems. I wish I would stop drinking, but I can't cope with the void I have. Plus, people say I am unattractive, that I am fat and that I look like a man. I have thought about killing myself because I need love and romance in my life but can't have it. I just don't want to live anymore. If I ever experience a reciprocated love, and enjoy it at least for a few weeks, then I could die as a happy woman. But no, it is not for me, never for me. I am old now to find that anyway.

You are not too old. You can quit drinking. You are unique, and special, and you deserve love just as a natural consequence of having unique DNA and being human. There is nobody else exactly like you.

I've also struggled with infatuation and unrequited love. I know it very well. I've struggled with feeling unattractive and inadequate. I don't have a good answer for you. I don't know if that mutual, fully reciprocated infatuation is something that many people get to experience in their lives. I want it very badly, but I know I'm not likely to get it. I'm trying to make my peace with that. I think it's possible that the power of that feeling only comes from wanting something you can't have. But there is probably something mutual in between obsession and indifference that you can have. You are lovable. You need to intercept the bitter, hateful things you say to yourself in your mind and tell that voice to shut the **** up. Those are things you wouldn't say aloud to your worst enemy. Don't say them to yourself, even if they feel like reality and it feels stupid to tell yourself positive things. Just try to stop. You will get better at it over time if you take my advice seriously.

Get some substance abuse counseling. Overcome inertia and take the first step. It's all you can do.

You aren't worthless. You are lost. You are still inside yourself. You are valuable. You can stop hating yourself. It might seem impossible, but it's not. You can be free.