[kangarella]

Hello all - I'm new to this group. I've been feeling depressed (first time in my life I've ever really felt this way) since the guy I was seeing vanished without a word. I know our relationship probably didn't stand a chance, since he'd only been officially separated for about 5 months when we met. We also live 8 hours apart (although it's a quick/cheap plane ride). However, we just really hit it off when we met and both decided to keep in touch and try to get together when we could. I know he was technically on the rebound, but it never really felt like that. It didn't seem too move too fast or too slow, we just kind of went with the flow and it was nice. We were never an official couple, but neither of us was seeing anyone else.

This continued for about a year, until right before the holidays, when he just stopped calling. A few weeks prior, he seemed distant and when I asked him if everything was ok he said things were fine between us, but that he was feeling down with Christmas coming up, feeling guilty about how the divorce was affecting his daughter, and just feeling lonely in general. I asked him if he needed a break from "us" or if he was no longer interested in continuing the relationship and he said no, that he still felt the same way about me. He said he appreciated my understanding and that he would call when he was feeling a little better. A couple of weeks went by with no word, so I sent him a Christmas card just saying I hoped he was ok and that I missed him. He texted me to say he got my card, appreciated my concern, he was doing ok, and that we should try to talk next week. It seemed like a cold text as compared to how he usually talked. That was the last I've heard from him. I have been crying every day since Christmas. I know that he's probably confused and dealing with a lot, but to just turn his back on me like I don't exist makes me feel so disposable. Especially since I gave him an opportunity to end things and he wouldn't take it. I can't turn the negative thoughts off. I keep thinking he just lied to me the whole time, used me for an ego boost, never cared for me, and he's probably laughing at what a trusting idiot I was. I know that's all just stuff I'm creating but I can't seem to stop going there.

Most of my friends tell me just to forget him because he has shown his true colors and that he obviously doesn't respect me. But some (mostly other guys, strangely enough) say there's nothing wrong with reaching out to ask him for an explanation. I've been frozen because I don't know what to do. He was really good to me during our relationship so this behavior is so jarring. He isn't the most emotional guy and I definitely saw that he had conflict avoidance tendencies but I still never expected this from him. Is it worth trying to get in touch with him? He's technically never ignored me, but obviously if he wanted to talk to me he would. I just feel like I'll never be able to move on without getting some kind of explanation from him.

[CANDC]

Hi kangarella. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are having challenges with a relationship with someone that could be deep in depression. Maybe he needs more help than you can give. His grief for the loss of the relationship with his family is weighing heavily on him. What you describe as ignoring you could be isolating to fend off the dark specters that haunt him. He may not be the person you knew until he gets professional help. Your little notes and cards could be a light in the night of Depression.

Glad you are part of our community. There are a lot of caring people here. Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Friday at 8PM.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Quarter life]

Hi Kangarella

I agree with CANDC…just let him know that you are there for him…without crowding. The rest is up to him…he will reach out when and if he needs you.

I have been an active member of this site for around 2 years. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. For those that feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......this is the place. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums to be a welcome distraction... a great way to have some well needed fun, and meet like minded others. New members also benifit greatly from perusing the many forums available here Kangarella…..lots to explore.

Should you have any questions on navigating this site, please don't hesitate to private message me or any of the other Community Liaisons who will be more than happy to help. Just click on the screen name above my avatar.

Be kind to yourself Kangarella, and welcome to P.C

[kangarella]

Thank you both for the responses. The standard advice seems to be "don't reach out to someone who's ignoring you/keep your dignity/don't let him know how much you care." Since when did caring become a sign of weakness? I realize that if he's purposely ignoring me for some other reason (met someone else/just lost interest and is too cowardly to say so) then I would need to try to forget him and move on. But I need to try to get him to talk to me so I can determine what is going on.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are hurting. I would like to remain positive but to all honesty it's mid February and you haven't heard from him since Christmas so chances that he is just being depressed for almost two months are slim.

He probably has no guts to be honest. I am sorry but I'd move on.

Do get in touch and ask him directly and if you dont get decent response then be done with him. It is just my opinion. Don't waste another day on him. Hang in there. When you decide to move on it will get easier. You deserve better

Sending hugs

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[ptangptang]

Yep, what divine said.

[kangarella]

Well, I tried. Sent him a brief email last Friday to say that the lack of closure between us was deeply hurtful. I didn't try to change his mind about ending things or argue with him, I just said I would like to understand what happened. He's never responded. How could someone who claimed to care for that long do that?? I can't get past this feeling that our entire relationship was a lie and that he was just a really good actor, using me to fulfill his needs and distract him from his problems. The not knowing is so painful. It's like psychological torture.

[divine1966]

I would stop worrying why he did what he did. We have no control over what others do. We can only control ourselves. There is nothing not to know. He stopped talking to you in December and its march tomorrow. The guy isn't interested. It was ok contacting him directly and now you know he moved on. I suggest you give it time and then date locally. Much less hassle. The guy is still married and since he lives that far you don't know if he is actually separated. He might be got caught by his wife etc stay safe and you deserve better

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[avlady]

i agree with devine, and i don't see anything bad about asking him what the problem was. now you know to stay clear unless he gives you the go, but i would be leary of him so be careful if he gets too close again unless you get the truth.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by kangarella

Hello all - I'm new to this group. I've been feeling depressed (first time in my life I've ever really felt this way) since the guy I was seeing vanished without a word. I know our relationship probably didn't stand a chance, since he'd only been officially separated for about 5 months when we met. We also live 8 hours apart (although it's a quick/cheap plane ride). However, we just really hit it off when we met and both decided to keep in touch and try to get together when we could. I know he was technically on the rebound, but it never really felt like that. It didn't seem too move too fast or too slow, we just kind of went with the flow and it was nice. We were never an official couple, but neither of us was seeing anyone else.


This continued for about a year, until right before the holidays, when he just stopped calling. A few weeks prior, he seemed distant and when I asked him if everything was ok he said things were fine between us, but that he was feeling down with Christmas coming up, feeling guilty about how the divorce was affecting his daughter, and just feeling lonely in general. I asked him if he needed a break from "us" or if he was no longer interested in continuing the relationship and he said no, that he still felt the same way about me. He said he appreciated my understanding and that he would call when he was feeling a little better. A couple of weeks went by with no word, so I sent him a Christmas card just saying I hoped he was ok and that I missed him. He texted me to say he got my card, appreciated my concern, he was doing ok, and that we should try to talk next week. It seemed like a cold text as compared to how he usually talked. That was the last I've heard from him. I have been crying every day since Christmas. I know that he's probably confused and dealing with a lot, but to just turn his back on me like I don't exist makes me feel so disposable. Especially since I gave him an opportunity to end things and he wouldn't take it. I can't turn the negative thoughts off. I keep thinking he just lied to me the whole time, used me for an ego boost, never cared for me, and he's probably laughing at what a trusting idiot I was. I know that's all just stuff I'm creating but I can't seem to stop going there.


Most of my friends tell me just to forget him because he has shown his true colors and that he obviously doesn't respect me. But some (mostly other guys, strangely enough) say there's nothing wrong with reaching out to ask him for an explanation. I've been frozen because I don't know what to do. He was really good to me during our relationship so this behavior is so jarring. He isn't the most emotional guy and I definitely saw that he had conflict avoidance tendencies but I still never expected this from him. Is it worth trying to get in touch with him? He's technically never ignored me, but obviously if he wanted to talk to me he would. I just feel like I'll never be able to move on without getting some kind of explanation from him.

Read the book called "he's just not that into you" by Greg Barret (might have the name wrong, read it years ago). You'll learn that if he was still into you, there's phones, email, texts, ect. He would make the effort. I think this first post you made pretty much answers your own questions. You even mentioned how he has the tendency to avoid things. Maybe he didn't have to nerve to break it off so he simply stopped the communication. You've been crying since Christmas?! I'm so sorry you're going through all the hurt. Being dropped like that is never easy. But honestly your friends are right. Start the healing process... Talk to a therapist, read the book I mentioned, cry into your pillow, talk to friends, whatever it takes. Bottom line, sorry for saying it, but I think he doesn't want to continue this relationship. Well screw him. Start the healing process. ((Hugs))

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[Scotty204]

It sounds like he maybe got back with his ex or found someone else sadly. You can only put your heart out there so many times. As hard as it sounds it's probably best to move on

[misslabarinth]

Welcome kangarella!
If you have any questions, or wish to talk; feel free to drop me a message.
See you around.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by kangarella

Hello all - I'm new to this group. I've been feeling depressed (first time in my life I've ever really felt this way) since the guy I was seeing vanished without a word. I know our relationship probably didn't stand a chance, since he'd only been officially separated for about 5 months when we met. We also live 8 hours apart (although it's a quick/cheap plane ride). However, we just really hit it off when we met and both decided to keep in touch and try to get together when we could. I know he was technically on the rebound, but it never really felt like that. It didn't seem too move too fast or too slow, we just kind of went with the flow and it was nice. We were never an official couple, but neither of us was seeing anyone else.

This continued for about a year, until right before the holidays, when he just stopped calling. A few weeks prior, he seemed distant and when I asked him if everything was ok he said things were fine between us, but that he was feeling down with Christmas coming up, feeling guilty about how the divorce was affecting his daughter, and just feeling lonely in general. I asked him if he needed a break from "us" or if he was no longer interested in continuing the relationship and he said no, that he still felt the same way about me. He said he appreciated my understanding and that he would call when he was feeling a little better. A couple of weeks went by with no word, so I sent him a Christmas card just saying I hoped he was ok and that I missed him. He texted me to say he got my card, appreciated my concern, he was doing ok, and that we should try to talk next week. It seemed like a cold text as compared to how he usually talked. That was the last I've heard from him. I have been crying every day since Christmas. I know that he's probably confused and dealing with a lot, but to just turn his back on me like I don't exist makes me feel so disposable. Especially since I gave him an opportunity to end things and he wouldn't take it. I can't turn the negative thoughts off. I keep thinking he just lied to me the whole time, used me for an ego boost, never cared for me, and he's probably laughing at what a trusting idiot I was. I know that's all just stuff I'm creating but I can't seem to stop going there.

Most of my friends tell me just to forget him because he has shown his true colors and that he obviously doesn't respect me. But some (mostly other guys, strangely enough) say there's nothing wrong with reaching out to ask him for an explanation. I've been frozen because I don't know what to do. He was really good to me during our relationship so this behavior is so jarring. He isn't the most emotional guy and I definitely saw that he had conflict avoidance tendencies but I still never expected this from him. Is it worth trying to get in touch with him? He's technically never ignored me, but obviously if he wanted to talk to me he would. I just feel like I'll never be able to move on without getting some kind of explanation from him.

First thing I want to address is what your friends said about forgetting him and his "true colors" it doesn't sound to me like he was being fake with you in the first place so true colors isn't something that I feel fits. What I do... from my experience believe, is that he has been separated only recently.

Having been through this myself following even a very bad marriage (still separated but over 4 yrs now) Even as I was not in love with my now ex, it was extremely trying at first. It wasn't that I missed her, it wasn't that I was getting back with her but I was a first time single father, dealing with financial difficulties after the break up and all was completely new and very unknown.

Even in the best of situations where one is completely content with the decision to separate, after any length of time being married it will take it's toll and is not the easiest thing to handle.

My point is, I don't think he's intentionally ignoring you or neglecting you and although I can't say what his true intentions are with your relationship, I would honestly take what I've said into account.

The best advice I've seen is to let him know you're there and give him time and space. If it is a good thing you have it will survive. If it's not the way things go, forcing the issue with him to spend time with you will not fix that and will only crash the ship faster. patience I think is what you need most of all right now.

[divine1966]

Honestly if a man hasn't spoken to a woman for 3 months, I don't see any point in telling her to be patient and waiting around as they are still in a relationship. It's giving her false hope. He had been gone for 3 months. Patiently waiting for his return is ridiculous. She should respect herself more than that.

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[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honestly if a man hasn't spoken to a woman for 3 months, I don't see any point in telling her to be patient and waiting around as they are still in a relationship. It's giving her false hope. He had been gone for 3 months. Patiently waiting for his return is ridiculous. She should respect herself more than that.

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I don't think I've done anything to give anyone false hope of any kind. I've merely pointed out the things that may have made the situation what it is now for him and tried to speak for what I think may be going on for the guy. I haven't made any predictions saying that I think the relationship would be fine nor have I said it's doomed. I vocalized what probably caused this and that was merely my intention. If she cared or cares for the man, it may take heaps of patience as what he has been through isn't something to be taken lightly. I wasn't ready for a relationship at all for years, even as I am still unsure if I am now. But in the midst of the early days following the breakup I was in no way a stable minded person and that is really all my point is.

Not minimizing your point, sure if someone said "Just wait for him, it will be fine" that would be a little ridiculous and Pollyanna thinking. I don't and no one here likely knows what he is thinking.

Although I will admit I hadn't realized it was 3 months, although my point still stands for what caused this, likely anyway... I understand your point in saying that it's been quite some time.

Depending on how much she actually had at stake here, how much she wants or wanted it to work out... she should make her decision based on that but if she does want to find out what could happen, I remain steadfast in saying that he's probably not going to be ready for awhile and it will take a lot of patience.

[divine1966]

I hear what you are saying. I just didn't think it applied to her situation.

They were never officially a couple and I am not sure how often they saw each other. Well he stopped calling her before Christmas. She kept contacting him few times but he expressed no interest. In February some of us suggested thAt she contacts him one more time and directly asks if relationship is over and what's up. She wasn't sure if it's ok to ask. I thought it was and she was entitled to an answer.

So she emailed him. No response. It's March now. Another month passed. He never responded. I just don't know what she should be patient about. He had no guts to even respond. It's over and it's probably wise to finally move on.

There is really no decision for her to make about this relationship as it's nonexistent. I am not saying he is horrible person or she needs to hate him but at point women realize that if a man is no communicado and Mia for that long then it's just over and time to look for available men. The ones that are actually there ! And are going to talk to her!

I understand your point though just not in this context

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[Scotty204]

Anyone who just ups and leaves without an explanation is a coward and you can do so much better.

[Katieissweet]

That's really sad what he did to you,im guilty of doing the same to people I just wasn't enough into those people,there wasn't enough of a spark,I think in his case the whole divorce just dawned on him.thats really not your fault,he has cleared the way to find your true soulmate which is a great thing!

[kangarella]

So...he texted me last week. I have yet to respond. It wasn't much, just him saying he understands if I hate him but he's sorry for disappearing. I haven't been able to come up with a response. Some of my friends think I shouldn't respond, but that's not really my style. On one hand, I think it's a lame apology, but on the other hand I realize it may take some guts to say anything at all. I'm confused.

[Talthybius]

If he has no respect for you, it doesn't take much guts for him to text you with a lame text after all that happened.

[divine1966]

I am with talthybiius on this. It didn't take any guts to send lame texts that much later. Don't respond to him.

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[Bill3]

Remember this: even if he were to come back to you, you will always know that he could suddenly disappear again, at any time. He has proven himself to be capable of that. How could you feel secure with him again?

My advice is to not respond to his text and to not contact him any more.