[JoseChu91]

I need some advice. Please help.

Dad needed my help with installing doors and cabinets. He is a carpenter so this is his profession. He asked for my help and I did. But I soon hated and regretted it. I was with him in the hot sun for 6 hours. I even cut myself on my elbow and Dad just told me to get over it. When we had to go back to house to gather more tools, I asked to stay because I am completely exhausted and my arms/legs hurt. The work was nearly finished anyway but... Dad said it was ok but he told me that "I guess you didnt love me enough as I thought". Dad has physical condition where he is always in pain (He barely takes medication because he has mind over matter philosophy). I never wanted him to work like this, I always wanted him to enjoy his later years relaxing. I am worthless and now I am punching myself in the head for not sucking it up and going with him. Like my dad said, I am 24. I dont know what pain is. Im not much help to anyone, I felt I was more of an annoyance to my dad there, I didnt know what to do since this is not my area of work. I hope Dad doesnt hate me. I wish I was successful.

[Tsukiko]

Parents say stuff like that all the time. Or, at least my mom has for as long as I can remember. Most of the time, it's just guilt-tripping and nothing more. Does he know you have this kind of reaction to guilt?
I doubt that he hates you.

He doesn't hate you, and you are not a horrible person. It sounds as though he is speaking out of his pain, anger, and/or frustration and it has little to do with you; you just happen to be the closest target. It is unfair for him to guilt trip you after you worked hard helping him out. If it were me, I would have said that, but I have a big mouth and probably say things I shouldn't. In any case, if it is possible, try to remember that, while directed at you, it isn't about you.

[Prism Bunny]

You are not worthless, at all. You are being roped in by a guilt tactic. And finally, you should not be hurting yourself mentally or physically because of his words. He sounds set in his ways about his conditions as an elder and so, you must find your own path. I am sorry that he tries to manipulate the situation in his favor. You are not a horrible person and he is projecting onto you.

Question, why would you hit yourself?

Originally Posted by Prism Bunny

Question, why would you hit yourself?

Yeah, I missed that. Is it healthy to be around your dad if he is causing this reaction?

[JoseChu91]

To Tsukiko - Sometimes. I dont really react around him. If I ever do have a hard reaction, I usually go to my mom or my closest friends for comfort or advice. Most likely, I'll try to make it up to my dad in some way if I disappointed him either by hanging out with him, working for him again without backing out, making him food or do what he asked.

To Ruari - Dad at times does it on a at the moment reaction. I dont know why he does it and then is later shocked that family members were depressed by it. For example, Dad couldnt find a certain food product at store and days later, I said I'll get it. He said it doesnt exist in the store and I told him it does, he just didnt look right. Then he says "Oh right, Im just stupid to you arent I?" and Im like "Huh? No I never thought that.". I think Dads upbringing was full of passive aggressiveness.

To Prism Bunny - I have autism and I hit myself because I get overwhelmed. It literally takes any negative feelings I have, mostly anger, out of me.

Thank you all for replying back. It means a lot. *hugs to all*

[Chyialee]

Dear Jose;

If you don't mind a little perspective from an old lady who is also on the spectrum -- go easy on yourself, please. Ready? OK, deeeep breath:

First of all, I know whereof you speak. As in, EXACTLY. In my case it was several members of my family who would pull this same attitude. "You don't know what hard work is... blah blah blah. When I was your age blah ...etc." My Grandmother was famous in a 3-county radius for this shyte. Eventually, after I was old enough to back up at see it from a no-longer-boiling-over perspective, I wrote her a letter and told her 3 of the thngs I wish I'd known how to say at the time.

One of the things our elders have often found hard to say is "Thank you for trying. Thank you for helping. I'm glad you are my child and that I'm your parent." It's particularly hard, imo, when one is in pain (as you've said your father is; I'm so sorry).

My Daddy was same way -- he didn't want to take any medicine at all. In his last 24 hrs of life he was not wanting me to give him his morphine because "Well I don't want to get addicted!" Yeesh. C'mon Daddy, be a little human here, don't make us all feel like weaklings, right?

Look, you were in the hot sun; you worked hard; you helped your father. That's a success in my view -- altho I'm sure it didn't feel like it in that moment. You are not a failure. You wore yourself out, doing a task you aren't accustomed to, just to ease the burden on your father. Ya done good.


Best to you;
Chyia

[mugwort2]

Yes please go easy on yourself. I know how it feels to see yourself in such a horrible opinion of yourself. Only thing I know of your relationship with your dad is what you wrote here. Please I do reaize its really hard but please try to believe you helped out. Seems to me he would not been pleased no matter how much you did. I suspect its his physical pain, bitterness , frustration talking. IMO you don't need to feel bad about yourself. You did nothing to feel guilty of. Reminds me of the lyric from "With or without you" by U2. "You give your all but i want more."

[~Christina]

I agree with the advice given.. Guilt trip ? sure at times I bet that was it... His remark about not loving him enough.. Whoa way to over the top.

Having autism of course is a part of the situation. Not your fault it is what it is.

As a person with chronic pain I also have to tell myself to suck it up and just keep going and it has hurt/upset my husband , family and friends. I certainly don't do it make anyone feel bad or worthless... When a person deals with a constant chronic pain we have to find ways to muddle through.

Are you in Therapy to help with what is literally self harm ( hitting your head )

Since you are worried about your dad working so hard have you thought of ways you can spend time together enjoying something that isn't just work? some common interest? I dunno fishing or maybe some type of hobby than will give your time together and give him a break pain wise?

You are not worthless.

Welcome to PC

[JoseChu91]

To Chyialee - Gosh that is exactly like my dad X_X. Dad doesnt want to get addicted to medication. He told me that if he ever came to point where he is in wheelchair or needs a cane to walk to just kill him. That kind of talk really upsets me. Thank you for your post *hugs* It helped me a lot and that I dont feel alone in this.

To mugwort2 - My dad can be pleased. Times where I dont back out, he talks about how much he loves me and he buys me dinner. That day, I wasnt ready for it. Usually, Dad asks me day before to help him. So what I do is prepare myself mentally and get plenty of rest before then. That day, he told me an hour in advance to help him.

To Christina - Dad usually guilt trips but doesnt mean to, as in he feels bad that someone actually felt guilt. I think its his upbringing where its nothing but passive aggressiveness. I dont think therapy will help with that. I dont want them to force anything on me. I will be taking some medication soon though about my outrages. Dad doesnt really go out much. No one in my family really does. We are too poor to go out. We usually just hang out at house. Dad hobby is usually spending time with his grandchildren.

Thank you guys and im sorry for the late reply. Been hectic lately where Im at

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by JoseChu91

I need some advice. Please help.

Dad needed my help with installing doors and cabinets. He is a carpenter so this is his profession. He asked for my help and I did. But I soon hated and regretted it. I was with him in the hot sun for 6 hours. I even cut myself on my elbow and Dad just told me to get over it. When we had to go back to house to gather more tools, I asked to stay because I am completely exhausted and my arms/legs hurt. The work was nearly finished anyway but... Dad said it was ok but he told me that "I guess you didnt love me enough as I thought". Dad has physical condition where he is always in pain (He barely takes medication because he has mind over matter philosophy). I never wanted him to work like this, I always wanted him to enjoy his later years relaxing. I am worthless and now I am punching myself in the head for not sucking it up and going with him. Like my dad said, I am 24. I dont know what pain is. Im not much help to anyone, I felt I was more of an annoyance to my dad there, I didnt know what to do since this is not my area of work. I hope Dad doesnt hate me. I wish I was successful.

Wow, are you sure your dad isn't a Jewish grandmother? Speaking from experience, they guilt trip with the best of 'em.

So try not to feel too bad about what your dad said. He was CLEARLY just attempting to guilt trip and shame you into continuing helping him when you had given all you could. You are not worthless. If your dad hates you because you couldn't help him finish some cabinets then I would question whether it's a good idea for you to continue having contact with your dad, because a person who hates you for that is too toxic to be around.

I don't mean to dismiss your feelings, but I get the feeling that your dad has probably been guilt tripping you since you were born and making you feel this way. Maybe knowing that this is his way of manipulating you, you can break free of that worthless feeling and know that your self worth isn't determined by your father. You have to give yourself self worth.

I repeat: you have to give yourself self worth. Only you can give your life worth and meaning. And only you can take it away. Your dad does not get to take it away by guilt tripping you or shaming you. You are not weak; you are not worthless.

I hope you are able to heal.

Seesaw

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by JoseChu91

I need some advice. Please help.

Dad needed my help with installing doors and cabinets. He is a carpenter so this is his profession. He asked for my help and I did. But I soon hated and regretted it. I was with him in the hot sun for 6 hours. I even cut myself on my elbow and Dad just told me to get over it. When we had to go back to house to gather more tools, I asked to stay because I am completely exhausted and my arms/legs hurt. The work was nearly finished anyway but... Dad said it was ok but he told me that "I guess you didnt love me enough as I thought". Dad has physical condition where he is always in pain (He barely takes medication because he has mind over matter philosophy). I never wanted him to work like this, I always wanted him to enjoy his later years relaxing. I am worthless and now I am punching myself in the head for not sucking it up and going with him. Like my dad said, I am 24. I dont know what pain is. Im not much help to anyone, I felt I was more of an annoyance to my dad there, I didnt know what to do since this is not my area of work. I hope Dad doesnt hate me. I wish I was successful.

I'm sure your dad doesn't hate you but pure and simple this is a manipulating type of comment. made only to make you feel bad about your choice. Now I'm not going to comment on whether or not his intentions were horrible or what not or psycho analyze it, as without hearing the conversation it's hard to know if it was just an off the cuff comment, or if there are some more seriously underlying emotions like resentment toward you.

I would imagine, as I am a father too, guilty of stupid crap comments to my kids at times, that he was a little annoyed at your not wanting to finish but out of context from the rest of your relationship I can't say any further if there is any meaning to it.

[nicoleflynn]

emotional blackmail......if you loved me you would, etc. etc.......If someone loves you they won't hurt you.