Relationships

I posted this in the Borderline forum as well.

One of my biggest problems has always been relationship issues. Not friendships. Just when I fall in love with someone. I'm told I expect too much, I become clingy, and then they usually just stop talking and start shutting me out. This is what my ex told me. I've been trying to keep in touch with her and she just ignores me.

But I can't seem to let go, I constantly struggle with should I message her or let go. I usually go with the first option. Although last night, I sent her a message saying "It's become clear to me you don't want to talk to me, I will always be here for you and always love you." Kind of a goodbye. Of course, no response.

However, this morning I am feeling that push to send a message again. I don't understand why I do this to myself. I keep hoping for her to respond. Our relationship wasn't even that great. It was mostly one sided with me being the giver all the time and she just the taker yet never giving at all to me. Yet she would say she was giving me all of herself. I still don't see that now, but I still want to try. I still love her. I've always been a kind soul and one to never give up.

Point of this is, does anyone have any advice for me? I've tried everything, even when at work I just struggle with this all day unless I'm super busy.

You need more self-restraint. This doesn't create attraction. The more needy you make yourself out to be, or the less balanced of a person, the less attractive you will be.

If you have the power to walk away, then that can create attraction. Why would a woman who can pick from tons of men pick a man that's incomplete without her? Pick a man that can't get another woman, even one she perceives to be lower in value than herself?

Also, why message a person? If you want a true relationship you need to talk face to face. Messaging is not pointless, but you do it when there is no other way to communicate something important or to make appointments.
If she feels like texting, fine. But as a male, you shouldn't initiate it, I feel. If you both want to talk to each other, call her and decide on a time.

As for your message, she knows you know she doesn't want to talk to you, yet you still message. That's weak. As for saying you will always love her, that's silly. If you haven't seen a person for 10 years, the love will be gone.

Anyway, I see now you say she is your ex. If you two were really serious, and you two clearly broke up, why message? Even more so when you are doing exactly that which is why she says she broke up with you.

You have tried everything? What about not messaging your ex and then when you get some new relationship, make sure you are perceived as someone who can and will walk away when things are not working out, and won't look back.

Sorry if my advice is harsh. It seems you know all this but don't know how to self-control. I have no advice for you there. I naturally have an absurd amount of self-control. I have no idea how to teach others how to do it. I wish I was more spontaneous and impulsive sometimes.

Yeah, I totally understand this as I am currently dealing with a form of it myself. Somehow, in dealing with boundary issues in my life, I neglected to learn how to deal with them in intimate relationships, so I barely have any.

Point is that it's an issue of boundaries. When people feel that theirs are being encroached upon, they are very likely to pull away, even to the point of shutting communication down completely, because they need to find some way to re-assert the space that's been encroached upon. Think of it this way: if someone came up to you on the street and started getting in your face, you'd take a step back. If they continued to get in your face, you'd continue to step back, maybe even to the point of running away. Now, it's a little different in a relationship when we're talking about emotions, and when a person knows you. But the concept is very similar. When we get to clingy, it doesn't give a person much room to breathe and move about in a relationship and just...be.

She said she was done. To be blunt, true love would respect the others person's wishes to be done. What the predominant feeling seems to be here is infatuation and need. Given enough time and space, this will wane, because she is not meeting the need that you have for love and validation. I know it is difficult, but the best thing to do now is stay busy. Pick up hours at work if you can. Get outside. Go for a drive. Do anything, but for goodness sake, stay away from the phone and computer.

Good luck.

Thank you to you both for this. I really appreciate both responses. I will continue to try and stay busy.

Write out what you want to say, instead of texting her, and then its out of your system.


Once your impulse to contact her fades and you're ready to move on, you'll reread those words and realize how absurd it all was.


(I speaketh from experience)

I've done this countless times to the point I do the opposite almost I get clingy at one point in the moment, but then shut them out and just do my own thing and it helps, but in the end I don't like feeling I like someone.

Funny you should mention that. I'm doing that right now. I've completely shut her off. Removed her number from my phone, stopped going to Tumblr. Its sad but I am finally feeling better.

Relationships are really hard for me. I usually run from one person to another. I decided to not do that this time and I also think I need to not be in a relationship for a long while. Maybe never again. They cause me too much pain and suffering.

Great idea. Thank you! I actually have been writing out what I want to have more self control on as well. Trying to concentrate on one thing at a time. Writing it out made me realize it and acknowledge it.