I don't know when to be mean

An acquaintance of mine who I've known for 15 years has a son who is a senior in high school this year. This young man will be going off to college this fall and is working as a door to door sales rep selling kitchen knives to make some money to help pay for college. He called me and asked to set up an appointment with me to come over and give me his sales pitch to try to sell me some knives. Normally I would have declined, but agreed to let him come over since I know his parents. He gave me the impression that his sales pitch would only take about 30 minutes or so. Well, he came over yesterday and stayed an hour. I was mad but did not stop him earlier because I could tell he was nervous and quite frankly I did not have the heart to be rude to him. But at that point, it was time for me to take my daughter to her sports practice and I told him this. He said ok but continued to talk about the knives. My daughter was now going to be late for her practice so I cut him off and said I was not going to buy anything and he needed to end the sales pitch because I needed to leave. He then quickly cleaned up his display and left, but my daughter ended up being about 15-20 mins late for her practice. Should I have been more assertive and kicked him out earlier so my daughter would have made it to practice on time? I feel like I should have been, but I've known his parents for years and we are friends and I felt like I could not be as rude to him as I should have been.

It is not "mean" to be assertive. You are entitled to decline offers that do not interest you, regardless of where they come from. If you had absolutely no intention of buying knives, then knowing his parents doesn't matter, it is fine to politely and gently decline and in fact it is a waste of everyone's time to have him come over. (But perhaps you could conceivably have been persuaded.)

You are entitled to establish and enforce time frames for events in your home, and in general when people other than a boss are asking you to do something.

You are entitled to control your time, and it is not mean to do so.

It is not "rude" to establish and enforce boundaries. You would be perfectly within your rights to say, in a kind but firm manner, for example, I'm sorry but I only have 30 minutes for your presentation, please finish up now.

(What is actually rude is to go on and on with a sales pitch, well beyond the time stated and then to continue when one is asked to leave. )

Sales pitches can go on indefinitely and so at the very start it is good to say that you only have 30 minutes or 15 minutes and stick to that.

The fact that he was nervous has nothing to do with this, his nervousness does not give him a stranglehold on your time. Your time is your time, whether or not he is nervous.

To decide the significance of knowing his parents in this situation, consider this question:

Which is the more valuable and important use of 20 minutes to you: having your daughter practice as scheduled, or hearing out the sales pitch of the child of long-time acquaintances?

(My own policy about this sort of thing is to keep friends and business separate: I would never accept a sales pitch from the child of friends. Ymmv.)

Thank you for your advice!! I agree with you. And your last sentence is something that I will carry with me going forward. For years we've had neighbors kids, work friend's kids, church friends kids......all come to us wanting to sell something and I've never known how to handle it. 9 times out of 10 I don't want to buy what they are selling but always have felt I had to in order to keep up relationships. In fact, I think the word has gotten out in our neighborhood that we always buy some come ring our doorbell. Well......no more! I'm done. And I will proceed with throwing out all the crappy coupon books that I've bought from someone's kid and never used. I had a bad feeling when I agreed to let this young man come over and give me the knives sales pitch. I thought I should have said no because I did not have any intent on buying and was just wasting everyone's time. But this fear of some sort of fallout with friends caused me to say yes and over ride common sense. Well.....I'm done. I need to start making my needs more important than the feelings of others whether they are acquaintances or not. So thank you for helping me to reach this epiphany.

You're welcome!

(I do have a weakness for Girl Scout cookies sold door-to-door )

Pay attention to such feelings or internal voices! Listen for them, welcome them, consider them carefully, and follow them--despite fears--when you conclude they are right (which so often they are!).

it's unfortunate that so many people equate standing up for themselves as being mean. I do understand it because I know I fall victim to it also more in the past than now but still. What bill said is good advice.

I'm sorry I don't have more but just saying you're not alone, I know how you feel

And let me add this as well.............I saw the father of the young man selling the kitchen knives last night when I put out my trash cans. He acted upset, like he didn't want to talk to me. Maybe because I did not purchase any kitchen knives?? Just goes to show, you can't make people happy even when you try. To heck with it!!!!

Oh well. You did nothing wrong; his expectations and reactions are his to deal with.

I will say that maybe a good thing going forward would be to say something like, "I can listen to your sales pitch if you'd like, but I am not interested in buying knives at this time, and I do have to leave the house at _____ (time) to take my daughter to practice. Would you still like to come over?" Or whatever fits the situation. That way, there are no unnecessary expectations. But whatever, I still don't think you did anything wrong.

I like your idea too. That way everyone is on the same page and not expecting anything more. Thanks!

You're welcome. It still gives an option, if you're uncomfortable with an outright, "No," but it sets boundaries. You have a life to lead that is just as important as anyone else's, more so to you, actually. So yes, it's okay to accommodate others, but within certain boundaries.

I would say don't even waste those minutes of your life needlessly. Only accommodate when it matters (someone or something that's truly important) - otherwise your life will be eaten up by these kinds of entitled, disrespectful people.

Well, true. But I think she was having trouble saying no to begin with. I was thinking baby steps.

I'm the kind of person who doesn't answer the door 98% of the time when someone knocks (my friends text when they're arriving, so it's generally no one I want to stop what I'm doing for). I probably wouldn't go to that trouble. But I'm a big meanie.

(Just kidding. I'm awesome.)

it's not about making people happy anyway it was a sales pitch of a product and if his father was upset that's just ridiculous and unrealistic. what, does he expect you to buy something purely for the fact it was his son, or that you buy something you need? >.>

you're right, to heck with them. dw about it, just let it go, hopefully this will pass.