Before I write this post I will say that yes, I talked about this topic with my T in my session this past week, and we are incorporating a deeper focus on relationships into our sessions (on top of DBT and the negative self talk...the latter of which I think has gone by the wayside. Heh, I've got lots of issues, I guess ).

So I have done some serious introspection after my recent falling out with JD, and all of the advice I have gotten here. (Don't groan at the mention of JD; I'm going somewhere with this). As I've said here probably a few times before, I have no base upon which to form a view of what a good relationship looks like. Being that my parents were never married, my mother never dated when I was living with her (she hated men and basically told me not to trust any of them), my foster parents basically hated each other and screamed at each other on the daily, and my foster siblings were just as messed up in this arena as I was, I don't have any examples of what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. I have a sense of what I don't want, and it's been suggested that I make a list of red flags, and a list of what I do and do not want from a partner. Well, red flags are pretty general for me, and once upon a time, I did make a list. It was stupidly specific. Then I made another list. And then I made another. They get less and less specific, but tend to have more quality. I'm not getting around people who don't fit my ideal; that's not an issue.

I think you can have a solid view of what you want, what you don't want, and etc. And it's really easy for people to say "you'll know it when it's right." But that's not really true if you don't know what's right in the first place. And fear is so huge. What I told my T, and my friends, is that I don't know what is unacceptable and what should be allowed, what to compromise on, what to just let roll off...because the other person needs their own space to be an imperfect person, just as I am. I mean, at this point, I'm expecting someone to put up with some serious imperfections in me, yet I question every damn thing that a man does that isn't fairy tale perfect. Even if it's in my mind, I run it through the filter of, "Should this bother me?" and I think that I can hide the fact that I'm, if I'm honest, deeply anxious and paranoid about everything. He stops texting as much? OMG, he hates me. He stops commenting on my FB photos? OMG, he hates me and he is talking to someone else (when, in reality, and my T agrees, he probably amped up his level of communication in the beginning and is settling back into his norm). That isn't fair. I've tried over the years to glean the positive messages from relationships around me but what I've done instead is listen to people around me talk about what they will and will not handle in relationships, and what they allowed for X amount of time, and how it led to something bad, and I internalize it. All of it. And it feeds my fear. In reality, we all have different set points, needs, and different expectations. I obviously have mine. I know what they are, and they really aren't at all high maintenance. But then I pair them with the, "What if?" and "Well look at what happened to..." and it just... I don't know. It looks crazy. And high maintenance, to say the least.

I've talked to JD a little this week. Not in a dating capacity, it's basically been, "I miss my friend," met with, "I miss you, too." And a quick note of apology that I needed to do, because I allowed my hurt to spiral, and said a lot of things I didn't mean to say. He accepted, thanked me, said he was glad for my introspection, said (likely in jest) he didn't wish to be a life-ruiner (I told him last week, in anger, he needed to stay away or he'd ruin my life). The thing is (and this doesn't mean I'm going to try to date him), if you put the two of us side by side, while we both have some big issues, I'm the person who has only had two actual relationships in her adult life. Not two serious relationships...two relationships since turning 18, period. One lasted about a year, and we were fighting from two months onward. One lasted two months, and it was just a gigantic mistake. JD was married for several years, and had a child with that woman (it ended horribly, but they are on good terms at this time). After that, he dated another woman seriously for a little while, whom he is still friends with (she's married). After that, he dated another woman for about five years (they don't speak). There are probably other serious relationships, but those are the ones I know of. Of the two of us, though, again, we both have issues, who would a casual observer say has the most issues with relationships and communication? Probably not JD. I couldn't really say that about the other men I've attempted relationships with. I know it's not all me...but it's a lot me. I didn't give him any space. I relied on him too much for my security. I was too 0-60, too needy, to clingy. And I don't think I realized it at the time, because these are all qualities which I don't really like in other people, and I loathe to see in myself when I have the self-awareness to see them, which I don't until way too late. My bad reactions are all knee-jerk and fear based, which is what I told him, and I think he was like, "Duh." But to his credit, he didn't vocalize that, just wrapped up any judgment in the, "Thank you" of his reply.

I just read somewhere that the things about others which irritate you are the things you need to work on being reflected back to you.

JD probably isn't the one. I mean, really. We may or may not continue to communicate as friends. The ball is in his court; I said a lot of mean, crazy, clingy shyt...I'm surprised he even returns my texts, let alone misses me. But unless we meet, and even if we do, a serious long distance relationship (or really any relationship) is not sustainable for me until I work on my issues further. But I think he's teaching me a lot that I probably wouldn't learn if he hadn't been in my life. I think we care about each other, which is good. I mean, if you have to have someone pass through your life to teach you something, it's nice if it can be someone who cares for you.

Basically, this post is just thinking aloud. I am not looking for advice on how to catch a man, because I am not really trying to do that. And I don't really need to hear, "You need to be solid in who you are, first," because I am pretty solid in who I am. For the most part, I'm happy with myself and my life. I just don't like how my dysfunctional thought processes in this arena trip me up, constantly. I just want to get over these damned hurdles. Because I know what I want; I can see it. The life I want with another person isn't that complicated, it doesn't involve much. It's just the getting there that looks pretty impossible.

Okay, I'm thinking out loud, but y'all are allowed to talk to me.

I'm a little lonely this evening. I have pneumonia (gross), so I can't go out, and I'm too wiped out to do anything while in except sleep (did that, literally, all day), watch Netflix (did that from 8-noon), and basically think. Or read, but I think my brain doesn't really want to. I'm pretty pitiful when I feel this sick, no joke. Kinda just want someone to come over, make me tea, and read to me.

[Finniky]

Hey Ruari! Wow, that all sounds SO complicated! Lists of red flags? Yikes! It sounds like you over-complicate things to the point of causing irrational fear and anxiety. It seems any fluctuation in a person's behavior concerns and scares you.

You are missing the forest for the trees.

Originally Posted by Finniky

Hey Ruari! Wow, that all sounds SO complicated! Lists of red flags? Yikes! It sounds like you over-complicate things to the point of causing irrational fear and anxiety. It seems any fluctuation in a person's behavior concerns and scares you.

You are missing the forest for the trees.

Lists of red flags: This was advice given to me multiple times on this forum, not something I myself initiated. I think it was well-intentioned, and makes sense when you're someone like me who doesn't have a clue. But not really my style.

I am missing the forest for the trees, et. al.: Yep. That's the point of this post, lol.

[Finniky]

Oh, really? I guess that would work for people who are seriously bad at reading people, but I suppose seeing "red flags" or issues in someone's personality and lifestyle comes very easily for me. Yeah, it would definitely be helpful for some people... like my sister lol.

Sorry that you are going through this stuff. </3 I remember what that was like! Glad it's over but it at the same time, the times before I was engaged were quite a journey none the less.

[Trippin2.0]

To quote S4,,Nothing in life is static.


I had to learn how to adapt,adjust and trust, while things were seemingly always inconsistent.


Scary ride as hell.


But,,it has helped me to feel less scared about every change or fluctuation, its helped me to build trust.


On the topic of relationship role models....


I had none either, maybe that's why my first one was so toxicly screwed up and I didn't realize until it was too late,and my second one was plain unhealthy.


But in working on myself, and becoming more self aware about my challenges and my goals, it was definitely obvious that my third relationship is different, healthy. That I have a good thing going here, even though its hands down been the most emotionally / mentally challenging.


I'm always here if you need to talk, so pm me any time Ruari.


Hope u recover from your germs soon

[divine1966]

This was me who advised looking for red flags. Maybe people who naturally know how things supposed to be don't need to look for flags but those who don't have a good model do benefit from knowing deal breakers.

For example if a woman tend to go for abusive men ( general example) it's wise to be able to recognize signs early one before one gets involved. People always reveal themselves, we just have to pay attention



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I hope you feel better real soon hun...
I also am down with a...well best not bring that up....oops should not have used that phrase, either :-/

And I am also "pitiful" when I don't feel well but I turn into a cranky, demanding 12 year old.

It's lovely here. Really.

Anyway, I hear what you're saying about relationships. I have very low self-esteem and always find a way to blame myself should anything go amiss. It simply doesn't occur to me it could be that the other person could be the one with the issue instead of me. I almost feel opposite to what I see out in the world, and would really like (at least once) to have "It wasn't me!..." or "I didn't do it!" be my INITIAL reaction.

I don't know how to get away from this self-blame, but I know that recognizing that we do it must be a huge first step, no? (Kinda ironic when you think about it that when I write those words, I see them as a negative....therefore a kind of self-blame in itself...)

Please keep in mind that when someone knows you, and falls in love with you, they fall in love with ALL of you. The good bits and the not so good bits. They understand you better than you understand yourself, sometimes....

tc and hugs...

[Mondayschild]

The beginning of relationships should be the stuff of fairy tales. All of the anticipation and painful yearning, butterflies and aching just to touch them. Being gaga over one another, knowing and not knowing exactly what they feel, talking for hours, sexy, fun and sweet texts. Finding out his idiosyncrasies and feeling special because he knows yours.

I'm on my second marriage and have had a a few serious relationships. And dated, alot. The one thing I always knew was this, if he wanted to be with me, he would be with me, hang ups and fears aside, he would feel it and make sure I knew it. The stuff that needs to be worked out just gets worked out. Love shouldn't be hard in the beginning, it shouldn't need much work to maintain a connection.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Originally Posted by divine1966

This was me who advised looking for red flags. Maybe people who naturally know how things supposed to be don't need to look for flags but those who don't have a good model do benefit from knowing deal breakers.

For example if a woman tend to go for abusive men ( general example) it's wise to be able to recognize signs early one before one gets involved. People always reveal themselves, we just have to pay attention



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I remember that it was you, and it was a good idea. It wasn't really my style, but it did help a bit.

Originally Posted by Mondayschild

The beginning of relationships should be the stuff of fairy tales. All of the anticipation and painful yearning, butterflies and aching just to touch them. Being gaga over one another, knowing and not knowing exactly what they feel, talking for hours, sexy, fun and sweet texts. Finding out his idiosyncrasies and feeling special because he knows yours.

I'm on my second marriage and have had a a few serious relationships. And dated, alot. The one thing I always knew was this, if he wanted to be with me, he would be with me, hang ups and fears aside, he would feel it and make sure I knew it. The stuff that needs to be worked out just gets worked out. Love shouldn't be hard in the beginning, it shouldn't need much work to maintain a connection.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

I read this, and broke down in big, ugly, heaving sobs.

I've never known this. Ever. Okay, maybe for a few weeks here and there. But it's quickly overrun with anxiety, what ifs, and all of the bullshyt of my overthinking and driving away. I know people want to say I just sink into blaming myself too much, but I am the common denominator. No one is perfect. But I have met dozens and dozens of men, most of whom I've rejected. JD was the only one of dozens, maybe hundreds, who quietly persisted. And I don't really think that he was the one and I ruined everything because I'm not really sure he thought far enough ahead to know what he wanted past the, "Oh, she's finally reciprocating" part. I don't know that there is even a "one" out there for me. And even though my issues are huge, his communication issues are EPIC. I am slowly learning that not every time someone doesn't want to talk is something to be anxious about, I know he needs space, especially when I can be overbearing. But he shuts down. And I can't deal with that. What I needed when I said, "I miss my friend," earlier this week was delineation: either outright rejection or, you know, my friend. Instead, I got a, "Miss you too," and a subsequent text volley that day, then a one-sentence reply every day about mid-morning. I'm falling right into old patterns, and I just can't. Effing...why would you say you miss me? Just say nothing.

I know, I was stupid, and I'm done. Seriously, don't lecture me, because I think it will push me over the edge. I'm not doing well tonight at all. I am seeing friends on Instagram and FB with their beautiful families frolicking on the beach, my coworkers sporting their growing baby bumps and it rips my heart out. Seriously, it just rips me apart. I'm smart, I'm attractive, I have good friends, I am successful. All I want...ALL I want is someone who understands me, cares for me, and vice versa to share my days with. I don't need him to be rich, I don't need travel and excitement, I don't need anything more than to come home at night to the man I love, and know he loves me. And I know, deep in my heart, I will never have any of this. And I'm having a really hard time wanting to go on with my life as it is tonight. I have a lot. But it's just...not enough.

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by Ruari

I read this, and broke down in big, ugly, heaving sobs.

I've never known this. Ever. Okay, maybe for a few weeks here and there. But it's quickly overrun with anxiety, what ifs, and all of the bullshyt of my overthinking and driving away. I know people want to say I just sink into blaming myself too much, but I am the common denominator. No one is perfect. But I have met dozens and dozens of men, most of whom I've rejected. JD was the only one of dozens, maybe hundreds, who quietly persisted. And I don't really think that he was the one and I ruined everything because I'm not really sure he thought far enough ahead to know what he wanted past the, "Oh, she's finally reciprocating" part. I don't know that there is even a "one" out there for me. And even though my issues are huge, his communication issues are EPIC. I am slowly learning that not every time someone doesn't want to talk is something to be anxious about, I know he needs space, especially when I can be overbearing. But he shuts down. And I can't deal with that. What I needed when I said, "I miss my friend," earlier this week was delineation: either outright rejection or, you know, my friend. Instead, I got a, "Miss you too," and a subsequent text volley that day, then a one-sentence reply every day about mid-morning. I'm falling right into old patterns, and I just can't. Effing...why would you say you miss me? Just say nothing.

I know, I was stupid, and I'm done. Seriously, don't lecture me, because I think it will push me over the edge. I'm not doing well tonight at all. I am seeing friends on Instagram and FB with their beautiful families frolicking on the beach, my coworkers sporting their growing baby bumps and it rips my heart out. Seriously, it just rips me apart. I'm smart, I'm attractive, I have good friends, I am successful. All I want...ALL I want is someone who understands me, cares for me, and vice versa to share my days with. I don't need him to be rich, I don't need travel and excitement, I don't need anything more than to come home at night to the man I love, and know he loves me. And I know, deep in my heart, I will never have any of this. And I'm having a really hard time wanting to go on with my life as it is tonight. I have a lot. But it's just...not enough.

I don't think you're stupid at all. I think you have learned a great deal about yourself during this process. You have a good idea of what you need in a relationship. JD didn't even reject you, he just doesn't have what you need and you know you're no longer willing to settle for something less. You figured it out, you did that and that's in a word, amazing.

We all have baggage, every single one of us carries it in some form. You do, JD does and being so far from one another amplified it times a thousand. This isn't your or his failure, it just wasn't a good fit.

The red flags you did see, in the peripheral. That's your gut telling you that things felt wrong. However the only flag that mattered was the meeting in person and how that wasn't being treated as a priority. None of those other flags would count if that one gigantic flag didn't keep waving. Because the other flags, insecurities, accurate or not on both sides would have been dissolved or not after a weekend together.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry. Great bug hugs. I didn't mean to make you cry.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Mondayschild

The beginning of relationships should be the stuff of fairy tales. All of the anticipation and painful yearning, butterflies and aching just to touch them. Being gaga over one another, knowing and not knowing exactly what they feel, talking for hours, sexy, fun and sweet texts. Finding out his idiosyncrasies and feeling special because he knows yours.

I'm on my second marriage and have had a a few serious relationships. And dated, alot. The one thing I always knew was this, if he wanted to be with me, he would be with me, hang ups and fears aside, he would feel it and make sure I knew it. The stuff that needs to be worked out just gets worked out. Love shouldn't be hard in the beginning, it shouldn't need much work to maintain a connection.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

I agree. Love is easy did exciting in the beginning. If things are hard in the beginning its never a good sign. Some difficulties might come with time but in the beginning its all exciting ( unless it's all wrong)

Also I learned from experience if a man is truly into me nothing would ever stop him from being with me and he would go to a great length to make sure it happens and make sure I know ( unless of course I decide not to proceed and he has to accept but I don't believe I ever need to pursue a man, if he wants it he will go for it).

I am also getting married second time and had serious relationships and dating in between including one long time cohabitation.

But it took me long time to figure out not to go for anybody who needs changing ( like he needs to work less or drink less or do this or that differently), if he needs changing then he is not right for me. He needs to be right for me without having to change. They all needed to be changed until I met the one who doesn't

I just hate myself for being so ******* needy and clingy. I always do this. My friends acknowledge that I do it to them, but they love me anyway...because they are not looking at me through the filter of being a potential life partner, or "Jeez, this chick could easily go psycho on me." It's not like I'm not needy with friends, it's just a different kind of relationship.

I wish you all knew just how ridiculous I had been since day one with JD. I tested him...he thought my being difficult was adorable at first, even made flirty jokes about how he was keeping track of all of the spankings I would get later (this was a joke that definitely worked for us, lol). I pushed and pushed and pushed at him even though he was steadfast and hung in there...until he broke, told me he just couldn't do it anymore, and blocked me the first time. And yet, he came back after my heartfelt letter of apology. He definitely had walls up, he was definitely guarded. I thought I was better, and thought I was going with the flow. But I wasn't. I was anxious and high strung and just way too much for a simple southern guy who has pretty much just been going to work, doing his multiple freelance gigs on the side, and taking care of his boy for the past few years uninterrupted. I was like a freaking whirlwind of needy female emotion that he was not prepared for. He needed time to process, and I didn't like how MUCH time he needed to process, because when he needed that time, everything else shut down. All I wanted was to get to know him. I wanted to have my needs met, and he was doing that up until his needs stopped being met. I wanted to meet his needs, but I didn't know what they were. And I couldn't read his damn mind, and he wouldn't open up.

I didn't care about waiting until August to meet. I really didn't. I think he may have been so reluctant because he perceived me as clinging a little too hard and he was desperately trying to maintain his own ground. I mean, I have no idea if that was it (he simply says, "I'm just a single father with a lot on his plate. That's truly all there is to it.") but I perceive it as that. Really, even if we had hit it off in August, I don't know how we would have sustained a solid, serious relationship. What I wanted most recently was to keep something afloat, work on my stuff, and once I'd fulfilled my current work contract, visit the idea of taking a travel assignment down there, just to see how we worked out when able to see each other on the regular. A travel assignment is not a big commitment for me since I'm planning on taking one somewhere anyway.

I do think I screwed up my friendship with him. I mean like, I think I took it and just bashed it against the wall with my repeated need for input. It isn't even that he wasn't giving me what I needed--I DONT freaking need to have someone validate me like that. Like, chill the eff out, Ruari. After all of the mean shyt I said to him, the fact that he even said he missed me should have been enough for me to just be like, okay. I'll give it a rest and some space. But no. And tonight I bashed it all to hell and, among other things (none of which were mean, but were just...stupid and I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy) told him I just had to let him go because it hurt too much to keep trying.

What hurts me the most is that I want an acknowledgement, but I know I won't get it. And I know that he won't send one because that would go against my need to let him go. And that just makes the whole thing such bullshyt.

[Confusedinomicon]

My boyfriend has communication issues and after several years I realized that he's probably on the Autistic spectrum and doesn't have the spoons to reciprocate verbally but it doesn't mean he cares any less. He also did the thing where he'd ignore me on messenger/text because I'd blow up his social media when we started dating and myspace/AIM is a thing. We also did the long-distance thing for 1 1/2 years and I broke up with him more then 10+ times in that time frame.

I think social media and it being easier to know if/when people are looking at things and since its more easily accessible to get on apps/phone/blahblahblah when you don't get a response it hurts more. I think it makes it harder when you're experiencing abandonment issues; knowing how easily accessible it is to get the message and not getting a response. I actually only message a handful of people now because I can't deal with it on a daily basis.

Fear of abandonment fundamentally changes the way that you perceive relationships. I've done a lot of therapy/my own introspection to lessen the feelings, but they haven't gone away completely. For instance, when friends move because of social/economical reasons SO has to remind me that they aren't leaving because they hate me. I had 2 good friends leave and one talk about leaving overseas and SO got stuck in a car with me while I was wailing after he got off work because I was blaming myself for their decisions. (That honestly had nothing to do with me and I knew was going to happen months ahead) Even the fact that I use "leave" instead of "move" in the examples shows that I'm still insecure about it and those feelings of loss are still too real.

The hardest thing and best thing for me was to learn to forgive myself for my insecurity.

When I was finally able to conceptualize that I was able to learn and process healthy boundaries in relationships.

I also did everything you did with JD and then some.

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by Ruari

I just hate myself for being so ******* needy and clingy. I always do this. My friends acknowledge that I do it to them, but they love me anyway...because they are not looking at me through the filter of being a potential life partner, or "Jeez, this chick could easily go psycho on me." It's not like I'm not needy with friends, it's just a different kind of relationship.

I wish you all knew just how ridiculous I had been since day one with JD. I tested him...he thought my being difficult was adorable at first, even made flirty jokes about how he was keeping track of all of the spankings I would get later (this was a joke that definitely worked for us, lol). I pushed and pushed and pushed at him even though he was steadfast and hung in there...until he broke, told me he just couldn't do it anymore, and blocked me the first time. And yet, he came back after my heartfelt letter of apology. He definitely had walls up, he was definitely guarded. I thought I was better, and thought I was going with the flow. But I wasn't. I was anxious and high strung and just way too much for a simple southern guy who has pretty much just been going to work, doing his multiple freelance gigs on the side, and taking care of his boy for the past few years uninterrupted. I was like a freaking whirlwind of needy female emotion that he was not prepared for. He needed time to process, and I didn't like how MUCH time he needed to process, because when he needed that time, everything else shut down. All I wanted was to get to know him. I wanted to have my needs met, and he was doing that up until his needs stopped being met. I wanted to meet his needs, but I didn't know what they were. And I couldn't read his damn mind, and he wouldn't open up.

I didn't care about waiting until August to meet. I really didn't. I think he may have been so reluctant because he perceived me as clinging a little too hard and he was desperately trying to maintain his own ground. I mean, I have no idea if that was it (he simply says, "I'm just a single father with a lot on his plate. That's truly all there is to it.") but I perceive it as that. Really, even if we had hit it off in August, I don't know how we would have sustained a solid, serious relationship. What I wanted most recently was to keep something afloat, work on my stuff, and once I'd fulfilled my current work contract, visit the idea of taking a travel assignment down there, just to see how we worked out when able to see each other on the regular. A travel assignment is not a big commitment for me since I'm planning on taking one somewhere anyway.

I do think I screwed up my friendship with him. I mean like, I think I took it and just bashed it against the wall with my repeated need for input. It isn't even that he wasn't giving me what I needed--I DONT freaking need to have someone validate me like that. Like, chill the eff out, Ruari. After all of the mean shyt I said to him, the fact that he even said he missed me should have been enough for me to just be like, okay. I'll give it a rest and some space. But no. And tonight I bashed it all to hell and, among other things (none of which were mean, but were just...stupid and I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy) told him I just had to let him go because it hurt too much to keep trying.

What hurts me the most is that I want an acknowledgement, but I know I won't get it. And I know that he won't send one because that would go against my need to let him go. And that just makes the whole thing such bullshyt.

I can concede that you may have screwed some stuff (but he did too, alot!!) up but you have to come concede that you are judging yourself really harshly. If one of your friends did all the same things as you did, would you tell her it was completely her fault? . Probably not. You would tell her that it's never all her or all him, we are imperfect. It sounds like you have a really tough time with uncertainty and beginnings are full of them.

But as divine said, if you tested him over and over and he didn't pass the tests or give you all the reassurance you needed. And believe me, in a relationship like a long distance one, you may need more. You were asking him to meet those needs, testing or not and he didn't. Because if he felt strongly enough about you, he would've either met those needs or talked to you about your insecurities.

At the minimum, as your friend. He would love all your crazy. My friends, or my persons, because we are dorky like that., know all the insane I am, head to toe they know it and accept it all.

I know how awful rejection feels. It's the worst feeling. But after you allow yourself to feel it, you may ask yourself if you really wanted him or you wanted the idea of him wanting you. We can get caught up in a need to be loved that sometimes turns into making someone into something that they never were just because we want to be wanted. It's not a bad thing, to want to be wanted. To have someone know all that it you to have them know how you take your coffee or what your like in the morning. . It's a need. And a big fat risk. Because you may get hurt and rejected and holy crap, that's rough. When I was dating, I left a long list of rejections behind me. Sometimes me, sometimes them.

Eat ice cream, watch some sad movies, cry, feel your emotions so that you can let him go. And if you really want that love that you describe, you will go out there and try again.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You're more than enough, you know your value, stop stepping all over it. The right person will come along and love you the way you need, . And when they are unsure and you tell them, they will provide it without question. Unless it's like weird sex stuff or killing the neighbors dog.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

He did actually talk to me about my insecurities, ad nauseum. I mean, before the first blocking, we would talk about them a lot. Reassurances, over and over, the same ones, sometimes in the same conversation. I told him, this will stop being cute one day. And he just said, well, one day you won't have to ask these questions...so I'm not worried. But people cannot keep being pushed, and that's what I do: I push. The night he blocked me, I was pushing to talk about something and he told me he was exhausted, that he wanted to talk, but had spent the whole weekend running and just didn't have it in him. He specifically asked me to let it lie, and we would pick it up later. I lost my shyt, and kind of attacked him. I can't expect him to continually be my source of reassurance when I just push harder to see how far I CAN push, and not expect him to go, "Enough. I've had enough." He's bipolar. He's a single father working what amounts to four jobs, and struggles with money. I knew going in that I wasn't the top priority. I may have been in the top 5, but just by virtue of the fact that I wasn't THERE, it was unreasonable to expect to be so high on the list. And I am not, by nature, high maintenance. But I pushed. And so when he came back, of course he was guarded.

He did like the crazy. He told me so, many times. I just think that he was already worn thin, and my anxiety and need just became too much for him. He tends to take a lot on as his responsibility, and then he kind of doesn't cope. He said as much. He was doing some unpaid side work for friends the last month or so and it was a huge project, and it was becoming overwhelming. Whether he was meeting my needs in the end or not, they were not falling on deaf ears. I just think he was overwhelmed.

I actually would tell a friend who was in my place that she was in the wrong. I am the only one who knows exactly what I did; I'm only giving you guys a glimpse of it. He shut down, but all the stuff you said he should have done? He did it. He just...stopped doing it. But I don't know how I could have expected him to maintain that. It just got to the point where he would tell me, "It'll all be okay. Really, truly. Just breathe," because there was nothing effing else to say to me. I mean...really. I had to be effing exhausting. For someone who never met me, to put up with the questioning, the anxiety, the neediness...he tried.

I don't want to eat ice cream and watch a movie. That doesn't help me. I don't process this stuff that way. I've learned that I have to meditate and consciously cut the cords...but I'm not quite ready to do that, yet. I have to do it tonight, before I start my work week. But I'm not ready, yet.

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by Ruari

He did actually talk to me about my insecurities, ad nauseum. I mean, before the first blocking, we would talk about them a lot. Reassurances, over and over, the same ones, sometimes in the same conversation. I told him, this will stop being cute one day. And he just said, well, one day you won't have to ask these questions...so I'm not worried. But people cannot keep being pushed, and that's what I do: I push. The night he blocked me, I was pushing to talk about something and he told me he was exhausted, that he wanted to talk, but had spent the whole weekend running and just didn't have it in him. He specifically asked me to let it lie, and we would pick it up later. I lost my shyt, and kind of attacked him. I can't expect him to continually be my source of reassurance when I just push harder to see how far I CAN push, and not expect him to go, "Enough. I've had enough." He's bipolar. He's a single father working what amounts to four jobs, and struggles with money. I knew going in that I wasn't the top priority. I may have been in the top 5, but just by virtue of the fact that I wasn't THERE, it was unreasonable to expect to be so high on the list. And I am not, by nature, high maintenance. But I pushed. And so when he came back, of course he was guarded.

He did like the crazy. He told me so, many times. I just think that he was already worn thin, and my anxiety and need just became too much for him. He tends to take a lot on as his responsibility, and then he kind of doesn't cope. He said as much. He was doing some unpaid side work for friends the last month or so and it was a huge project, and it was becoming overwhelming. Whether he was meeting my needs in the end or not, they were not falling on deaf ears. I just think he was overwhelmed.

I actually would tell a friend who was in my place that she was in the wrong. I am the only one who knows exactly what I did; I'm only giving you guys a glimpse of it. He shut down, but all the stuff you said he should have done? He did it. He just...stopped doing it. But I don't know how I could have expected him to maintain that. It just got to the point where he would tell me, "It'll all be okay. Really, truly. Just breathe," because there was nothing effing else to say to me. I mean...really. I had to be effing exhausting. For someone who never met me, to put up with the questioning, the anxiety, the neediness...he tried.

I don't want to eat ice cream and watch a movie. That doesn't help me. I don't process this stuff that way. I've learned that I have to meditate and consciously cut the cords...but I'm not quite ready to do that, yet. I have to do it tonight, before I start my work week. But I'm not ready, yet.

He didn't love your crazy. If he knew all these things and you kept pushing and lost your shyte, it wouldn't matter. Because he would want you in spite of all of those things. Because the intensity for him should be the same as it is for you.

It doesn't matter, the heart wants what the heart wants. That's why we end up with opposites or people we never thought we'd be with or whoever. That's why they call it crazy love.

Sorry, don't eat ice cream and watch sad movies. It was really a common metaphor to process and accept the hurt.

You would tell your friend the truth but you wouldn't judge her for how she behaved. You have come 360 and now are taking 100 percent of the blame.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

[divine1966]

Ruari it's too late and I need to go to bed so I can't say much. You need to stop beating yourself up. You got to stop. Stop blaming yourself. I don't believe you did anything wrong at all. I am sorry. IMHO and be free to disagree he was unavailable man with whom it wouldn't work in a long run no matter what you did and how you did it, sure maybe you could drag it longer if you didn't push but in a long run it wouldn't work . You didn't screw anything up. He was the wrong man. Just wrong, not a bad person but wrong for you. IMHO. My strong feelings on this

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by Ruari

He did actually talk to me about my insecurities, ad nauseum. I mean, before the first blocking, we would talk about them a lot. Reassurances, over and over, the same ones, sometimes in the same conversation. I told him, this will stop being cute one day. And he just said, well, one day you won't have to ask these questions...so I'm not worried. But people cannot keep being pushed, and that's what I do: I push. The night he blocked me, I was pushing to talk about something and he told me he was exhausted, that he wanted to talk, but had spent the whole weekend running and just didn't have it in him. He specifically asked me to let it lie, and we would pick it up later. I lost my shyt, and kind of attacked him. I can't expect him to continually be my source of reassurance when I just push harder to see how far I CAN push, and not expect him to go, "Enough. I've had enough." He's bipolar. He's a single father working what amounts to four jobs, and struggles with money. I knew going in that I wasn't the top priority. I may have been in the top 5, but just by virtue of the fact that I wasn't THERE, it was unreasonable to expect to be so high on the list. And I am not, by nature, high maintenance. But I pushed. And so when he came back, of course he was guarded.

He did like the crazy. He told me so, many times. I just think that he was already worn thin, and my anxiety and need just became too much for him. He tends to take a lot on as his responsibility, and then he kind of doesn't cope. He said as much. He was doing some unpaid side work for friends the last month or so and it was a huge project, and it was becoming overwhelming. Whether he was meeting my needs in the end or not, they were not falling on deaf ears. I just think he was overwhelmed.

I actually would tell a friend who was in my place that she was in the wrong. I am the only one who knows exactly what I did; I'm only giving you guys a glimpse of it. He shut down, but all the stuff you said he should have done? He did it. He just...stopped doing it. But I don't know how I could have expected him to maintain that. It just got to the point where he would tell me, "It'll all be okay. Really, truly. Just breathe," because there was nothing effing else to say to me. I mean...really. I had to be effing exhausting. For someone who never met me, to put up with the questioning, the anxiety, the neediness...he tried.

I don't want to eat ice cream and watch a movie. That doesn't help me. I don't process this stuff that way. I've learned that I have to meditate and consciously cut the cords...but I'm not quite ready to do that, yet. I have to do it tonight, before I start my work week. But I'm not ready, yet.

I can push. . I have serious issues with insecurities. I can push and push and be absolutely insane. I suffered terrible neglect and abuse as a child, I'm masterful at being a nightmare. My husband knows and he hugs me tighter and if it means sleepless nights to work through it, that's it, he does it. If we fight and I say horrible things that I don't mean, he doesnt get too tired and I don't get too tired when he needs me. It just is.

We have had our share of problems and I have put him through he**, and he has sometimes done the same, but that's a relationship. That's how it works. And August mattered because it was being pushed back. If anything, it should've been moved up.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Originally Posted by Mondayschild

I can push. . I have serious issues with insecurities. I can push and push and be absolutely insane. I suffered terrible neglect and abuse as a child, I'm masterful at being a nightmare. My husband knows and he hugs me tighter and if it means sleepless nights to work through it, that's it, he does it. If we fight and I say horrible things that I don't mean, he doesnt get too tired and I don't get too tired when he needs me. It just is.

We have had our share of problems and I have put him through he**, and he has sometimes done the same, but that's a relationship. That's how it works. And August mattered because it was being pushed back. If anything, it should've been moved up.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

To be fair, there wasn't any pushing back; I had no availability until after I was off orientation, which is 6/7, couldn't even ask for time off. Now I know I work literally every Friday (thanks, person whose maternity leave I'm covering), and 4th of July weekend. It wasn't being pushed back; there wasn't a decision made in the first place. It just wasn't being talked about. I see your point (and yours, Divine. I don't think he was the one, and I messed everything up. But I did mess a LOT up). I just don't think I should have pursued things past the initial breaking point. All of the things I was asking for the last month--Skype, calls, meeting up--were things HE was pushing for prior to that. I think that breaking point was a breaking point. When asked why he even came back he says, "Well, because it was a really nice letter." Yeah, I can be a good, persuasive writer. He said, "It seemed like a good idea at the time." He probably got caught up in emotion. Sometimes people are just done the first time they say they're done and the part of him that wanted to try was done. The part that was attracted was not. But the part that wanted to try was gone a long time ago.

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by Ruari

To be fair, there wasn't any pushing back; I had no availability until after I was off orientation, which is 6/7, couldn't even ask for time off. Now I know I work literally every Friday (thanks, person whose maternity leave I'm covering), and 4th of July weekend. It wasn't being pushed back; there wasn't a decision made in the first place. It just wasn't being talked about. I see your point (and yours, Divine. I don't think he was the one, and I messed everything up. But I did mess a LOT up). I just don't think I should have pursued things past the initial breaking point. All of the things I was asking for the last month--Skype, calls, meeting up--were things HE was pushing for prior to that. I think that breaking point was a breaking point. When asked why he even came back he says, "Well, because it was a really nice letter." Yeah, I can be a good, persuasive writer. He said, "It seemed like a good idea at the time." He probably got caught up in emotion. Sometimes people are just done the first time they say they're done and the part of him that wanted to try was done. The part that was attracted was not. But the part that wanted to try was gone a long time ago.

To be fair, there is a line. Yes, if you barely know him and know very little about him and you are clinging on for dear life, that's a problem. I've seen people who have talked to someone once or twice online and lose their minds when someone doesn't respond. I'm not even judging them, I think that is the definition of being too needy and clingy. Expecting a stranger to be madly in love means a person has a whole lot of therapeutic work to do.

That wasn't the case here. For all intents and purposes, you knew quite a bit about each other. Testing someone is another way to say, okay, here is some of me, I'm showing it to you, I can be neurotic and lose my mind, what are you going to do? Because sometimes this is who I am. Testing and being vulnerable can go hand in hand. Being vulnerable. I struggle with that, I hate it so much. I'm envious of those who can do it so easily. The people who always take the risk. My goal in life is to be more vulnerable.

Sigh. Big hugs.


#Life is a beautiful lie#

Originally Posted by Mondayschild

To be fair, there is a line. Yes, if you barely know him and know very little about him and you are clinging on for dear life, that's a problem. I've seen people who have talked to someone once or twice online and lose their minds when someone doesn't respond. I'm not even judging them, I think that is the definition of being too needy and clingy. Expecting a stranger to be madly in love means a person has a whole lot of therapeutic work to do.

That wasn't the case here. For all intents and purposes, you knew quite a bit about each other. Testing someone is another way to say, okay, here is some of me, I'm showing it to you, I can be neurotic and lose my mind, what are you going to do? Because sometimes this is who I am. Testing and being vulnerable can go hand in hand. Being vulnerable. I struggle with that, I hate it so much. I'm envious of those who can do it so easily. The people who always take the risk. My goal in life is to be more vulnerable.

Sigh. Big hugs.


#Life is a beautiful lie#

I'm absolutely not saying he was perfect. But dammit...I don't need perfect anymore.

Okay, I don't mean that. I mean, I don't need perfect, but what I mean is I'm just TIRED. I'm emotionally drained from this cycle. I don't want to do it anymore, and I don't want to live half a life anymore. I WANT A FAMILY. I'm lying when I say I don't, just trying to convince myself that I'm okay. I'm not. There is no amount of success, friendship, bettering myself, whatever, which will fill this space for me. It's all ****ing just...empty.

Incidentally, I found my sister's Instagram tonight. My sister, one of three, who was born after my mother left my father and he decided he'd start a new family and "try to find me." Once he did when I was 29, meh, they weren't truly interested in getting to know me, in spite of asking me to uproot my life and come live with them (thank goodness it never happened). Anyway, I found my sister's Instagram, and I'm sure that's the only way I'll meet my new niece, and my other sister's new husband. Amazing...my sisters grew up in an intact home, because my father and their mother wanted them. And they get to have full lives.

There is absolutely no ****ing reason for me to be here. None. That was decided before I was born.

PS I'm fine. I'm just feeling very intensely about a lot of things, and blowing off steam. I am emotionally exhausted, I don't want to keep going, but I am not suicidal.

I also physically don't feel well and, dammit, I have a lot of needs that aren't being met and haven't been met for years. If someone could have just come and made me a cup of tea and said I was going to be alright this weekend, that would have been a really good start.

[Confusedinomicon]

ook. is the weekend over for you? There is still an hour or two right?

You'll be alright this and make it thru this.