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  #1  
Old Jun 03, 2016, 03:36 PM
tabenda tabenda is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2014
Location: US
Posts: 37
There were times that the words almost slipped out, but I always held back. We had a complicated history and I didn't want to push the relationship too fast, too far. I knew he cared about me, but I wasn't sure he actually loved me. And then one night, he whispered I love you. And I asked him to repeat himself. And then I said I love you too. Over the next week, he would say he loved me, and I would reply I love you too, but then I'd do something to lighten the mood. Like stick my tongue out at him. He even said, don't do that it lessens the meaning.

But inside, even though I wanted his love, and knew I felt love for him at different times, as soon as he actually said the words these questions opened up in my mind. Were we really right for each other? Would we still be together ten years from now? But during that time when he was saying I love you and showering me with the affection of that love, it felt amazing.

Unfortunately I wasn't the only one with doubts and shortly after he first told me he loved me, he ended our relationship. I consider the break fairly mutual because we both recognized that the concerns we each had were never going to go away and those concerns were at the root of our differences.

Why is it so painful to let something go that really wasn't going to last forever? I knew it, he knew it, but we're both in pain. Why do I miss something that in the last couple of months had as much uncertainty and doubts as it did good things? And why can't I find that switch in my brain that allows me to take what I understand and turn off these emotions, turn off these tears?
Hugs from:
Anonymous37802

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  #2  
Old Jun 03, 2016, 05:28 PM
Anonymous37802
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I have come to understand over the years (from what I've been told), that the initial stages of what we understand love to be is actually infatuation. That butterflies in the stomach, giddy feeling is no less important to the big picture of full-on love because it's the result of all of those hormones and chemicals in the body firing and causing you to be attracted and bonded to another person...which is what makes it really hard to let go of that person when things end.

After the infatuation fades, because that giddy feeling doesn't last as full-on forever, love is a commitment and a choice: I'm with you, you're with me forever. I choose to love you and to cherish you and to be with you and all the other stuff.

I think if there are doubts, that complicates the path from infatuation to "I choose to commit to you, full-on, come what may." And maybe it's right and healthy to decide not to go further. The pain comes because you've invested time, energy, and feelings into another person, and have bonded with them. All of that stuff I said about infatuation, your body and brain responds to them and bonds you to the idea that, yeah, this person is going to be around. It takes some getting used to when that is no longer the case. And I'm sorry it hurts; I totally understand. I'm going through it, too. There is no magic switch except time and distance. But it will feel better, eventually.
Thanks for this!
Crazy Hitch, tabenda
  #3  
Old Jun 04, 2016, 01:30 AM
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Crazy Hitch Crazy Hitch is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 27,877
The pain of remembering what could have been in our future ... even if really deep down inside at some level we knew beforehand whilst in the situation it would never really be that ... is hard to let go of.

We all have certain expectations - maybe not so much expectations but things that we desire out of relationships. Love, companionship etc. And when it doesn't turn out quite like that it can be disappointing.

There are very different levels of love.

So perhaps you loved him, yes.

But on a different level, to say, someone you may have imagined spending the rest of your life with.
Thanks for this!
tabenda
  #4  
Old Jun 04, 2016, 06:19 AM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 23,227
Sorry you are hurting. Unfortunately ( or fortunately) relationships often end. It is painful although at times is a relief. That's just something we all have to through in life (unless someone marries their first love and stays with them forever ) we just have to go through this at some point. It will get better. Hugs

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Thanks for this!
tabenda
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