Why do people cheat?

I'm depressed and in my 30's. I have no desire to cheat.

Do you mean living with depressed person would turn one to cheat? I don't know. I don't want to sound mean or selfish but I don't want depressed spouse. I am upbeat no matter what and don't mesh well with depressed partners (if in the same household). I prefer upbeat people. I mean living with. It's ok if they are just friends. My dad has depressive tendencies. I don't want the kind of spouse. I am being honest here BUT it doesn't mean it's ok to cheat.

I lived with alcoholic which is probably worse than just depressed. I never thought of cheating. When it became too much, I left. There is no need to cheat. And it never fixes anything. Just leave

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Why not cheat? That way you can have your cake and eat it too.

I'm a guy, so cheating is not all that bad when you tell your guy friends about your indiscretions. I didn't find out until later how much pain it causes the woman. For that reason, I don't even entertain the thought anymore. It seems wrong for a few moments of pleasure to cause years and years of pain.

Just wanted to make the point that from a guy's perspective, it's not all that bad, from a societal perspective. Especially when the guy is not getting his needs met. It's kind of like, if you can't what you want at home, then go where you can get it. Not a justification, just one man's opinion.

As many different reasons as there are people probably.

I think having a spouse who is unable to interact through depression must be exceptionally hard. As must be caring for a spouse, being a caregiver rather than a lover, say for someone who has dementia. It amazes me how some couples endure the most demanding circumstances.

Some people may just no longer be compatible with their spouse, maybe they were close once but grew apart. Rather than leave they seek closeness outside of marriage.

Some people may never have really loved each other in the first place. People marry for all sorts of reasons other than love.

Other times perhaps they just want to have their cake and eat it, poor self control.

I'm speculating here - I have never cheated in our marriage.

Yeah, a male friend of mine tells me his guy friends brag about 'playing away' when they are on weekends away with the guys.

I suppose some people have stronger sex drives than others, but still it seems foolhardy to risk a marriage.

There are all kinds of reasons people state for this behavior but I will be honest, it baffles me. Any reasons are excuses, period. Here is my thinking,

1, if you're the type of person that likes multiple partners, fine. so be it. But... doing it in the form of cheating in this case, is still wrong, because it leaves the other partner in the dark and still betrays them. Solution: leave them and find someone that will want a multi-partner, open relationship too and remain open about it with them.

2. Because x y or z reason that blames the victim spouse for your cheating. Regardless of what the spouse does that you blame them on, NO one but yourself makes you lie, cheat, deceive and ultimately commit adultery. Quit blaming others for your actions. If you're unhappy with your spouse, leave them so you can go out and find someone that you can have a more satisfying relationship with legitimately.

3. tied to 2, but more specifically "my spouse/partner deals with depression (or any MI), I don't have the heart to leave them but I have needs" Well, to be honest in your mind you may "think" you're being compassionate to stay with them but ultimately you are still betraying them and there are no two ways about it, they would not see your lack of a backbone to leave as being compassionate at all. You're not doing them any favors by pretending you're their devoted partner and cheating. They don't need a fake supportive partner that isn't entirely there.

In a nutshell for every reason there is to cheat, the fact remains, you always have the option and should choose to cut the partner loose and do things the right way. no amount of rationalizing cheating makes it anything but deception, and betrayal.

I've made mistakes in my past, but posting stuff on FB can do nothing but cause more pain. I'm not saying it should be tolerated and swept under the rug, but airing your dirty laundry isn't a solution. Is it that bad, like a serial rapist or a child molester? I hope not. It's a sickness, like alcoholism. Have some mercy, please!

Ever heard of Sex Addiction??

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Sex addiction comes in many shapes and sizes. I'm in treatment for it now. It's not easy. There's a sex addiction cycle too. But it's not recognized as an illness in the therapy book according to my therapist.
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

I have been married for 23 years. If you would have told me my husband was having an affair a year ago I would have said your crazy!! But 8 months ago I started noticing changes in the bedroom...Major changes but I kind of blew it off 3 months ago I started sensing it and my intuition kicked in. I do not have concrete proof but have caught him with chat apps on his tablet, history on computer deleted a lot, 33 snaps sent in one night(Who knows to who) odd behavior, new interest and many more. When I confront him all he can say is I don't know!! I don't know how those apps got there...they must have come on the tablet(there is memory on the apps) or he doesn't know anything about the 33 snaps.
I am about to my wits end. I think I even know who with!! I have told him I was going to confront her and he says "go ahead but you will look like a fool." She owns a flower store here in town and hasn't been opened but a hand full of times since I sensed it was her!
I am not all that tech savy and he knows this. He is really good at covering his tracks. He works in the oil field as a foreman, so he has all damn day to do whatever he wants and a million locations to do so!! Especially now since the oilfield industry is down!!
I can just sense it from him. I can tell he is lying to me but he refuses to come clean!!!

Her husband did not use that as an excuse. He never gave an "excuse". He knew it was wrong and hurtful no matter what. He never mentioned the circumstances. She was told that about the woman after they entered therapy 8 months after his confession (and he told the therapist in an individual session and the therapist told her.) The therapist (female) had permission from the start to openly share what each other said in individual therapy. The therapist chose to share that because she felt it was genuine. But I guess you believe differently than the therapist. I just know they were both very young at the time, and their relationship these last 28 years is an example of what a marriage should be. No horse crap.

The bottom line is they vowed a commitment to be faithful to someone and they are not true to their word. They are liars.

Well it's good that they repaired their relationship, but the one of the big ideas of marriage is commitment to stay faithful not "stay faithful until unhappy waitress comes along and I'll need to make her feel better". But to each it's own

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I agree TishaBuv. A lie is the worse thing you can do to me. But we are all liars to some extent, even the white lies. I would lie to my parents on occasion when I was a teenager. But breaking vows is a much more egregious lie on the scale of lies, and most hurtful.

I agree divine. I think my point was that there are degrees of cheating and it is different for each individual. I was just conveying what I know about an actual cheating situation of my friend.

My feelings on never cheating or breaking wedding vows is strong. I include a spouse breaking a confidence as breaking a vow. And I think when men downgrade their mates to others behind their backs, and vice versa, is breaking a vow. If you can't expect those high standards, don't marry. But in reality, relationships take hard work, they are never perfect from the start. I'm glad my friend and spouse put in that hard work. It has paid off for them anyway.

Just saw your post now.

It's natural to develop a heightened sensitivity when things begin to change within a relationship. Confronting the suspected 3rd party probably wouldn't make things better anyways. Yet, on that note it seems dismissive of him to not have some compassion for you in recognizing how you are feeling and trying to find it in him to take it seriously to recognize that not only are you sensing a disconnect but now find things suspect about him. Where did your lifelong partner go? You miss him. However can this be repaired and rekindled?