I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have commented and sent PMs to me the last few months, but specifically over the last few days. It really means a lot to me, especially because you don't really know me, and have been there for me more than my local, offline friends have.

I am okay. I'm still feeling very depressed, had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning (I slept for 10+ hours), and I feel like I'm a little bit dissociated/depersonalized, which is not uncommon for me when I'm extremely depressed or stressed; I've experienced worse. Because of this (it sounds worse than it is; I just feel kind of...on autopilot. It's not terribly serious, but it is what it is), I chose to forgo the Meetup I had RSVP'd to tonight because no one who a) doesn't know me and b) is trying to have fun deserves to have to hang out with me in this state.

I told my T yesterday that, when I'm extremely depressed, no one ever knows it because I am really good at functioning. That is where all of my energy goes to: Being Functional. Maintaining a job, maintaining my personality while at said job, paying bills. And going to school and maintaining a passing GPA, if that is also in the picture (which makes Functioning a little more difficult). What falls by the wayside is me: I don't take care of myself. Like, at all. But I'm really, really good at maintaining and so, by the time I'm telling people that I'm not doing well, I am really not doing well, am actually in crisis. But they hear it as, "I just feel a little down," and they think, oh, she'll be fine, she just needs some rest/a drink/a pedicure/to get laid/whatever. No one gets it. And if I try to explain it, I think I scare people. Who wants to ****ing hear about how dark my brain is, really?

Anyway. I will be fine. I feel like my time living in my current city is finite. My T even suggested maybe a move would be good for me. I told her that my problems would only follow me, and I believe that. And I can't move anytime soon. But my newest goal is to unload some of the material crap I have lying around my apartment, become a little more sparse (i.e. make my life more easy to pack up) finish my BSN and to get into the world of travel nursing. I mean, heck...I have nothing holding me in my city. Travel nursing pays me to see the country. Why the hell not? (And most traveling nurse agencies will accommodate my kitties. Sold.)

I hope you will feel better soon. Keep maintaining until (hopefully one day) it gets to the repairing state, where you can take care of yourself to the fullest and enjoy your life no matter where you are

[Bill3]

(((((Ruari)))))

[tabenda]

I think being a travelling nurse is an amazing idea. Helping people, seeing the world and not having time to ruminate.... looks like a road to happiness to me.

[Crazy Hitch]

I've only been 'hanging out' on the relationship forum for a short while, due to the recent break up with my ex husband. In the time that I've seen you here I've always thought that you give thoughtful and constructive insight into posters threads Ruari

[ptangptang]

I'm guessing that you could use your nursing skills and qualifications to see the world. I know nurses in the UK do. Best wishes.

[Bill3]

I agree with what Crazy Hitch said in #5 above.

[Mondayschild]

I want to hear how dark your brain is, so post the darkest and I'll listen.

#Life is a beautiful lie#