[SoScorpio]

Now, that might sound like a ridiculous question to ask someone else -- shouldn't I know? But I now realize it's a valid question, and I really don't know. I'm me, and I feel very strongly about certain things, and am sometimes blinded to the idea that I may be in the minority with these feelings, and am therefore setting unrealistic standards for myself, because most of the people I see and gauge my own success or normalcy by don't have these same feelings.
So maybe you can tell me.. Are my feelings about friendship within the normal range? From this I hope I can answer the question I just put to myself last night: Do I have no friends because of my own failings (laziness, anxiety, possible Asperger's) or because I just don't want them badly enough?
I do know it's almost certainly both, but which one tips the scale? Maybe it can help me realize what it really is that's making me unhappy, because I'm starting to suspect that I have deeply rooted preconceived notions that are clouding my insight.

It starts with my own memories. Those I am fairly certain are accurate, as they can be anyway since everyone sees things a little differently. I remember having friends in grade school. Most of them I didn't know for very long however, since my parents moved every couple years and had been divorced since I was 3. By the time I went into middle school, it was the 8th school I'd attended. That's 2 more than the number of years I was actually in school. But my last elementary school I attended for 2 years, a novel experience for me, and that was where I met my first long-term best friend. We were in the same class both years and saw each other almost every weekend and plenty of school nights as well. At first it was a childish friendship. We both loved reading and video games. We played together. We were both good students who actually loved learning. She was always a little better than me at everything we did. Even if it was a new hobby I'd discovered and got her interested in, her skill soon outstripped mine. But it rarely bothered me or caused fights. Actually I usually just felt lucky that I had a friend who was so talented and could teach me things. But like I said she was usually only a little better, and it wasn't like I worshipped her or anything. We were pretty evenly matched. As we grew older and I stayed in the same town (finally) our friendship persisted. By 7th grade we had boys on the mind, but for a while we were closer than ever, and now had the adult aspects of friendship like loyalty, confidentiality, and that potent "friends before boyfriends" mentality, though boys would inevitably cause a temporary rift. I may have told a few "secrets" (you know, the trivial adolescent stuff that seems so important at the time) but it was never from malice or anything like it. I simply couldn't understand why people were so secretive. But I certainly understood how hard it was to tell a boy you liked him, and couldn't see any harm in someone *else* telling him... That would be a favor, right? You see where I'm going... anyway it took years but I broke myself of that habit when I finally realized that it barely matters how trivial the secret is or how wrong you may think your friend is for keeping it a secret, the point is solidarity. Secrets are not to be used to manipulate your friends into doing what you think is best for them. As hard as it is to watch someone make mistakes, all you can really do is tell them as a friend what they may not want to hear. Whether or not they listen to you, that's all you can do as a friend. I understand that now.
Yet, the last time I really had to act on it, it caused the end of our friendship. I tried to tell her her boyfriend would likely cheat on her again, as they were graduating and going off to different colleges. Unfortunately I had been the one to break the news when he cheated the first time, as it was with a mutual friend who confided in me. I probably told her at the time she should dump him, and maybe I pushed for a bit. I don't quite remember but that sounds like me. But it became clear she didn't want to discuss it so I dropped it for months. I tried to tell her again when he said some suspicious things about how their long distance relationship would be, and she blocked me out of her life. After a few days it became clear she wasn't relenting, and I was so hurt that I didn't even try contacting her for months. She remained silent as well. I had recently moved out of state and those two things combined effectively ended our friendship. We reconciled years later but have never really been "friends" again.
And that was my last real friend until I met my current boyfriend. I went to community college and worked and had "friends" in those places, but with little or no contact outside those places..
That is all I really know for sure. What I *feel* and think to be true is it would be good, as well as pleasurable, for me to have at least one girl friend who I can talk to about my relationship, share interests and activities with, and who will be there for me in a crisis. I also love listening to people tell stories almost as much as I love telling them, I loved when people asked for my advice, and I will defend my friends against anyone, far more than I will ever defend myself. I feel like I'm willing to do what it takes to be a good friend, but maybe I'm wrong about what people are looking for in a friend. I tend to feel like the hardest part is finding someone who wants to be my friend, who shares my interests and values, and has time for me.

Then again, I haven't been that good of a friend to my roommate. Before she moved in with us we were getting pretty close. Close quarters can often strain a relationship, and if that wasn't enough she has schizophrenia and hears a cruel version of me in her head. I know it's not her fault, but some things she does really hurt me. And I know that to tell her would probably make things worse, I end up stewing about it for a while. When I finally get myself under control, I realize I don't even know what to do next. Does she need space or encouragement? Should I approach her or wait? Even if I could figure out what she wanted or needed, which would I give? Practicality or comfort?
So I tell myself it's just the unique combination of both of our various conditions that make this so hard. But maybe it is me, I don't know because I have little to compare it with anymore.

Then there's the fact that my boyfriend and I are very close, have lived together for more than 5 years, and usually I am happy just being with him. We share many interests but have different upbringings and almost opposite skill sets, so we complement each other well and yet don't get bored. But of course we fight sometimes, have some interests we can't share, and even things we simply can't understand about each other. Those don't really affect our relationship too much because we love each other and take the bad with the good. But it's in those instances when I really find myself wishing I had a friend I could talk to, or even just be with, for a little change.
But here's the thing: considering I haven't had a real friend in 7 years excepting my roommate because that situation has deteriorated to the point where I sometimes can't bear to think of it... I'm not as depressed as you might think. I do suffer from depression and anxiety, and the depression comes and goes as is usual. Sometimes I feel miserable for days at a time when I realize I have no friends, but that's the key... It seems to be those words, "I have no friends" that set me off on a downward spiral. Maybe it's just the connotation (and the fact that almost everyone else has friends, including my roommate but oddly not my boyfriend) that makes me feel like crap?
Oh and to clarify, I would not grudge my boyfriend having friends and I've made sure he knows he can go out for beers with the guys from work or whoever if he wants. He just very rarely does. That kinda confuses me, since he's much better with people than I am, charming, funny, and charismatic.

But anyway, my point was that 90% of the time I'm pretty content to hang out with my boyfriend, play video games, and stay home. I do wish we had more time and money and could go out and do more fun things together. But it's less often that I wish we had another couple to join us, and when I admit it to myself, much less often that I wish I could go somewhere with someone else and leave him behind.

Is that odd? Maybe I should just embrace what I have...

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[Trippin2.0]

It's not odd to crave balance, its quite healthy...


Having at least 1 good friend would balance things out for you, and your relationship, because your bf would no longer need to fulfill every role in your life.

[MrMoose]

Friends are important but they are hard work, as is any relationship. Friendships need to be nurtured very carefully. So you could say, crudely, there's this mix of work and reward, but both of those can vary. If it feels like a tremendous amount of work and low reward, maybe no friends is better.

[SoScorpio]

Originally Posted by MrMoose

Friends are important but they are hard work, as is any relationship. Friendships need to be nurtured very carefully. So you could say, crudely, there's this mix of work and reward, but both of those can vary. If it feels like a tremendous amount of work and low reward, maybe no friends is better.

That's exactly what it feels like. I guess this will go on a back burner anyway until I can figure out my work situation, I'm too anxious to really worry about anything else right now...

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[Ecolson74]

I used to ask myself the same thing. My favorite saying was trust no one!
Now I am older(42)and I have zero close friends that I can call up and go out with. I'm not even sure how to be a friend but I do know this, since being diagnosed borderline personality disorder and admitting I was a drug addict, friends are very important.