[wrigh430]

The guy I'm dating calls late at night (11 pm to 12 am) but its not a booty call. We've never had sex and he dosn't appear to be looking to hook up. He took early retirement; I'm still working. I have to cut calls short simply so I can get enough sleep to function properly at work and remind him that I'm not retired, too.

why does a man call in the middle of the night if he's not looing for sex?

[~Christina]

Maybe he is lonely ? and just wants to talk,, Obviously he enjoy your chats.

You should really explain that you do enjoy talking ( if you do) But .. you just can't allow this to continue because you do need your sleep.. It's called setting up boundaries, something every needs and should do.

Maybe see if he could call you earlier in the evening ..or even agree on days ..

[wrigh430]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Maybe he is lonely ? and just wants to talk,, Obviously he enjoy your chats.

You should really explain that you do enjoy talking ( if you do) But .. you just can't allow this to continue because you do need your sleep.. It's called setting up boundaries, something every needs and should do.

Maybe see if he could call you earlier in the evening ..or even agree on days ..

I do enjoy our chats. We have a lot in common and sometimes talk for hours only to end up wondering where the time went. This isn't a problem if we meet for dinner at 6:30 before our writing group meeting. But last night he called at midnight and we talked until 1:30 before I said 3 needed to sleep.

All the while he was texting someone in France on his other phone, so there are reasons for him to be up at odd hours, but all I want to be doing at that time of night is sleeping.

[Moogieotter]

Is he cute?

[Koko2]

Can you program your phone not to accept any calls past bedtime?

[Crazy Hitch]

I get too grumpy when I don't sleep well. A one off phone call isn't the issue but if he keeps doing it, well then that's going to be difficult. I think you should bring this up with him during reasonable hours when you're having a conversation (not when you're talking late hours on the phone) and let him know any phone calls after 9:30pm ... you're just going to be too tired to speak. Sure, he's retired and may be texting people in France and busy at that hour etc. but most of the population who have working careers certainly aren't up at the time speaking on the phone.

[Bill3]

Just because he has reasons to speak at 3 am doesn't mean that you have to do it too. My advice is to establish and stick to.a firm curfew with him.

[divine1966]

I would let a man know I am in bed by a certain time and please don't call after certain time . If he continues calling I would stop seeing him.

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[wrigh430]

Originally Posted by Moogieotter

Is he cute?

Yes, but I fail to see how that's relevant.

[wrigh430]

Originally Posted by Koko2

Can you program your phone not to accept any calls past bedtime?

No, there are times of the month where I'm on call 24/7, so I have to be available by phone for work.

[wrigh430]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I get too grumpy when I don't sleep well. A one off phone call isn't the issue but if he keeps doing it, well then that's going to be difficult. I think you should bring this up with him during reasonable hours when you're having a conversation (not when you're talking late hours on the phone) and let him know any phone calls after 9:30pm ... you're just going to be too tired to speak. Sure, he's retired and may be texting people in France and busy at that hour etc. but most of the population who have working careers certainly aren't up at the time speaking on the phone.

I this is the second time it's happened in a month. He texts first, "Are you awake and taking calls." But the text wakes me up, so I may as well take the call, right? I'd have to get out of bed if it were a respondent. Even if I ignore the text, I've still be woken up in the middle of the night.

[wrigh430]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Just because he has reasons to speak at 3 am doesn't mean that you have to do it too. My advice is to establish and stick to.a firm curfew with him.

The need for a curfew is obvious, but that still leaves me with the question, why does he do this?

Generally when a man calls in the middle of the night, it's a booty call. If that were the case I could simply tell him, "Go ***** yourself, because I won't be doing it." But this isn't the case.

So why call at 11 PM and not 11 AM or 3 PM or 8 PM ?

In fairness, he did contact me in response to a text I sent him at 7:20 PM which read, "When & if you have time, I have a couple of questions I'd like to ask you a few questions. I'm attempting to put the finishing touches on my back before sending it to my editor."

He did say that he wanted to help and was worried that I was on a tight deadline, so wanted to call me as soon as he had some free-time. (I'm not on a deadline. Way to OCD to let anything get pushed off until the deadline looms. It seems like he's always working against his deadlines because he's a procrastinator.)

IDK, maybe I'm over thinking this.

[Trippin2.0]

Maybe he just thinks of you late at night and this prompts him to call you.


Doesn't your phone have a blocking option?


If it was me, I would block his number at sleeping hours and unblock it during waking hours.

[divine1966]

I wonder if he is dating someone. I was pursued by a man once ( luckily I opted against dating him) who always texted and called at odd hours. Later when I decided not to date him I found out he had a serious girlfriend the entire time, so he could only call when she wasn't around which was at ridiculous times

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[wrigh430]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I wonder if he is dating someone. I was pursued by a man once ( luckily I opted against dating him) who always texted and called at odd hours. Later when I decided not to date him I found out he had a serious girlfriend the entire time, so he could only call when she wasn't around which was at ridiculous times

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I'd bet money he isn't dating someone else. It's a small town (population: 998), so everyone knows everyone's business. He's treated me to dinner and walks in the park. And we see each other socially for our writing group as well. All of those things happen during "normal" hours. Plus he's willing to talk about other things he does. Like he has another writing group that meets Saturday mornings. I've been to that one which him a couple times, but didn't like the format, so don't go with him there anymore.

[wrigh430]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Maybe he just thinks of you late at night and this prompts him to call you.

Doesn't your phone have a blocking option?

If it was me, I would block his number at sleeping hours and unblock it during waking hours.

I don't know if it has a blocking option.

I hope he's just thinking of me late at night.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by wrigh430

I'd bet money he isn't dating someone else. It's a small town (population: 998), so everyone knows everyone's business. He's treated me to dinner and walks in the park. And we see each other socially for our writing group as well. All of those things happen during "normal" hours. Plus he's willing to talk about other things he does. Like he has another writing group that meets Saturday mornings. I've been to that one which him a couple times, but didn't like the format, so don't go with him there anymore.

Oh good. I am glad to hear that. Then you just have to establish clear boundaries and it should be all right. Hopefully he gets the message that too late is too late

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[Bill3]

The need for a curfew is obvious, but that still leaves me with the question, why does he do this?

You could ask him.

[kamikazebaby]

I would also consider it a boundary violation. If I knew someone had to wake up at a certain time every morning, I'd not be asking to call when they should be (or might be) sleeping. Just because you will allow a boundary infringement doesn't mean it's okay for him to take advantage of that fact. That he actually does, especially when this clearly interferes with your needs/health, speaks volumes. As to why he does it...some people get a kick out of seeing how far they can push/compromise you. (To interfere with your sleep and then not even give you his full attention is very rude and disrespectful.)

[divine1966]

I was also kind of taken aback with him texting someone while talking to you. That would be a no no.

I am in regular communication with someone overseas ( close family) and I understand with time difference it is sometimes hard to time it but still unless it's an emergency I wouldn't be texting while on the phone with someone.

Hope all of this could be sorted ( keeping people from sleeping is a common abuse technique ). I personally have to be up at 5am during school year as I commute far and have to be alert for my students.

No matter how much in love id be with the guy I am not staying up for him. Unless it's an emergency. No way.

Really hope it gets sorted soon

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[hvert]

It may just be because he knows you are awake and available to talk?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by wrigh430

The guy I'm dating calls late at night (11 pm to 12 am) but its not a booty call. We've never had sex and he dosn't appear to be looking to hook up. He took early retirement; I'm still working. I have to cut calls short simply so I can get enough sleep to function properly at work and remind him that I'm not retired, too.

why does a man call in the middle of the night if he's not looing for sex?

"why does a man call in the middle of the night if he's not looking for sex?" Seriously? I know there are some males out there that have nothing but sex on the mind but this, first is really a simplistic way to look at the male mentality! I hope you don't seriously look at males as if they all just think with their nether regions that much.

As a male, I am a late nighter myself. I will be up until the wee hours of the night anyway. So I imagine for him, these hours are not strange. That being said, if I were in his situation, and have not been given any kind of limits and for whatever reason, felt that my calls were welcome, I wouldn't stop. There is nothing to tell me that I'm crossing a boundary so why would I think my behavior was out of the ordinary or unacceptable?

I am going to guess since you're on here asking questions that you haven't set up such boundaries. He doesn't know or you haven't been strong enough in your statements if you have mentioned lack of sleep. If in passing you just say "wow I gotta get some sleep" and then continue the conversation from there it kind of gives mixed signals as if "yeah she's tired but wants to keep talking"...

Be kind, but absolute in this. As others have said make it clear it's not about the conversation not being interesting but that your sleep takes priority and you will not be answering your calls after a certain time. then turn off your ringer and go to sleep. If he's worth dating and I assume there is much you like about him, since you're still dating him, I'm sure he'll understand. Probably really just does not realize what this is doing to you

Hope this helps.

[wrigh430]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Hope all of this could be sorted ( keeping people from sleeping is a common abuse technique ). I personally have to be up at 5am during school year as I commute far and have to be alert for my students.

No matter how much in love id be with the guy I am not staying up for him. Unless it's an emergency. No way.

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No where near "in love." We're just dating and have only been dating for a little while. Like you, my alarm also goes off at 5 AM, so someone wanting to talk at midnight seems ridiculous to me.

[wrigh430]

Originally Posted by hvert

It may just be because he knows you are awake and available to talk?

Not awake--I'm sleeping then. That's sort of the point of the post: why call someone when you know they'll be sleeping?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by wrigh430

Not awake--I'm sleeping then. That's sort of the point of the post: why call someone when you know they'll be sleeping?

Selfish? Not considerate? Clueless? Distracted? Ask him. And don't answer the phone when he calls. When he texts tell him he woke you up and you are going back to bed. This wouldn't work for me

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