[Tsukiko]

I have an aunt who lies about basically everything. From small, insignificant matters to major issues,

Possible trigger:

such as being raped by multiple men on different occasions when she was younger, which the family knows for a fact did not happen.

The situation has gotten to the point where I don't know how to tolerate her. She has been a pathological liar for most of her life, according to other family members. She is almost 80 years old now and she seems to be developing dementia, which I believe is causing the lying problem to become progressively worse. However, she is still perfectly capable of knowing when she's lying. I pointed out one of her lies to her recently and she quickly tried to back-track.

I love this woman because she has been a part of my life since I was born and has gone above and beyond for me. However, how am I expected to effectively communicate with her when most of what comes out of her mouth is either a lie or a delusion?

She's 80, so she's probably not going to change. This method of communication served a purpose for her at some point and sounds as if it's pretty ingrained. I think the best thing to do is love her, but take what she says with a grain of salt. Since you cannot change her, that's really all you can do.

[Tsukiko]

Thank you for the response, Ruari. I believe you are right.
Her behavior pushes people away. The situation has gotten to the point where no one in the family can even hear her name without groaning afterward. I'm the type of person who needs active, constructive communication in order to maintain a relationship, though, so I'm thinking I'm going to have to love her from a distance from now on. But then I end up feeling guilty for not visiting with her. x_x The cycle of guilt and frustration in this situation is endless, it seems.

Originally Posted by Tsukiko

Thank you for the response, Ruari. I believe you are right.
Her behavior pushes people away. The situation has gotten to the point where no one in the family can even hear her name without groaning afterward. I'm the type of person who needs active, constructive communication in order to maintain a relationship, though, so I'm thinking I'm going to have to love her from a distance from now on. But then I end up feeling guilty for not visiting with her. x_x The cycle of guilt and frustration in this situation is endless, it seems.

That's understandable. Maybe just make it a regular, short visit? Like an hour, a few times per week? If you give yourself a set time with a set time frame, you will be prepared, and you aren't staying indefinitely, to the point where you're totally drained. If that makes sense.

I have a relative who I have had a tough time communicating with. It's not lying, her thing is anger...her energy is just really tough for me to be around, even though she is like a mother to me. She is just so disproportionately up about everything. I used to actually stay with her for a week or so at a time (she is retired, and travels the country in a fifth-wheel), but that was really draining. I found it much easier to just have dinner with her, or just go to a movie.

Good luck!

[Crazy Hitch]

Who knows the real reason why she's lived her life living in a world of make believe and fantasy. Some of the lies seem so far out - like a cry for help or attention. It's probably so ingrained as a part of who she is by now that I can't see her changing. And yes, the dementia might make her recall worse. She sounds like the kind of person who needs a lot of care and support.

Deleted, sorry I double posted.

Maybe she is lying to herself as well and believing the things more than your family does, because obviously you know it isn't true. It's hard for people who do not have this issue to imagine it being possible-why can't she just stop, right?
Well, most likely her lies are for emotional reasons, or more of an exaggerated version of the truth because she wants to communicate something to you in a way that you understand her pain. Now this is a little bit different than when someone lies for "outside" reasons.

For example, if a child lies about breaking a lamp in order to avoid getting in trouble, the story could keep growing, but his mother will either believe him and he will not be in trouble, or he will be in trouble. Its easier to be aware of physical things, and once he gets what he wants, he is satisfied.

But emotional needs are constant. We are born with them. Usually the mother of a newborn meets those needs properly and they don't need to spend the rest of thier lives seeking to get that need met. The truth is, people in the world understand certain things and the feelings that go along with them than others. That's why TV commercials use children in their ads because people have more of an emotional connection to the child than they might to a 50 year adult, even though the needs and feelings, and suffering, may be exactly the same. Therefore the advertisement gets its message,something is wrng..across better with the child.

So what am I trying to say? Your aunt is most likely trying to express her pain, feelings or past to you in a way she thinks you would understand. And because this need and desire is so strong, she has lost touch with the outside. If you were starving, would you be able to focus on much else than food?

As I said before, emotional needs.are there at birth. Children shouldn't have to do anything to get love, they should naturally get it because they exist. I can't just go up to people and " I'm 23 and I have the emotional needs of a 3 year old" and get those met. Most likely I'll be told I should not feel this way, but that doesn't erase the need. The same as your aunt probably cant tell people, "I have the same emotional needs as x and y" without offending someone. So she has allowed herself to become x and y.

I don't know your aunt, but I am 99% sure she never intended on hurting you or anyone else. Understandably she probably has hurt and lost a lot of people in her life. As her family, you seem to have stayed, which is more than I can say for my own mother. Please know that it is possible to love and support your aunt without trusting her. You don't need to go along with her stories and you can always doubt what she says.

But that doesn't mean you need to abandon her. If you do, it isn't going to eliminate her need to lie, and she is most likely going to seek her needs to be met somewhere else, and affect someone else more who doesnt know her like you do, her family.

If you let her know that you love, support and understand her unconditionally-something every human deserves from somewhere I think-then maybe it will eliminate her need to lie.

I wish you and your family the best of luck.

You can continue to love her but effectively communicating with her seems unlikely due to her pathological lying. That limits the depth of the relationship you can have with her. That is not your fault. She's elderly and unlikely to change her behavior. Love her and keep a relationship with her that is realistic and healthy for you. Take care.

[Tsukiko]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice and feedback. You all rock.

I visited with her today. Our visit went well. Her mind was clearer than I had experienced in a while. For her sake, may this clarity linger for a while.

She has, indeed, lost many people in her life. She was married and had her first child by the time she was 16 without having finished school. By 19, she had 2 son and her significantly-older husband divorced her. One of her sons was murdered at 19 and the other died of complications from drug use when he was 38. When my grandmother died 7 years ago, she lost the person she depended on most for her entire life. She has experienced more pain than I can comprehend and I do my best to keep this in mind. However, my personality type is the logician. I get intensely frustrated at times with the blatant absurdity of her lies. I become blinded by logic & thinking and I forget the person and emotions behind the lies. This is a major issue that I have to improve, because she does deserve love, care, and understanding.