Never had a relationship

rdgrad15 · Jun 09, 2016, 09:06 AM

Is it considerer weird that I never had a relationship with a girl before, and don't plan on having one? I was labeled gay by someone once because I never had a relationship and I am 26 now.

I don't think it makes me gay, the person was just be arrogant and judgemental. But it still makes me wonder if it may come off as strange that I never dated and basically have no desire to yet.

I don't plan on having sex either. Here are the reasons. First, I just have no desire in dating yet or even having sex. Second, I have a partial face paralysis on one side of my face which makes me look weird when I smile. I actually control the way I smile in order to prevent it from looking too weird.

People have labeled me creepy because of the way my face looks. And also I just fear false accusations. I had one female friend in high school falsely accuse me of being creepy because she felt sorry for me and really did not want to be friends so she made up a story in order to cut off the friendship rather than just being honest. And I fear that happening again.

I worry that someone will befriend me out of pity and then get tired of me and make crap up. Also I just fear false accusations in general. Like theoretically, I could have sex that was consented but then something happens where the girl decides she never wanted it afterwards, therefore, making me look like a predator.

I never told anyone about these fears really but this is why. I also just don't want to be dealing with drama. I don't plan on getting married or having kids, just a preference. I just feel like how I look and how I am kind of awkward will inadvertently give off the vibe that I am a creep, even if I have good intentions and would never hurt anyone.

Just don't know if it is considered weird though that I never dated or even really want to date? Some people find it surprising in a way but that is just my preference. Basically just a combination of just not being interested but even if I was, the fears I have would keep me from doing so.

Don't want to be seen as a creepy pervert when I really am not. Even becoming friends with people makes me nervous. I'd rathr be rejected and be told that I am not wanted by someone in my face rather than be befriended out of obligation or pity and they secretly get tired of me and maybe even resentful.

Confusedinomicon · Jun 09, 2016, 10:12 AM

Maybe you are aromatic/asexual?

I think maybe people will think its weird, but its ultimately your choice and you're a consenting adult at this point.

I also think its more common now-days for adults to have less sex and not desire children. I'm one on the "no desire for kids" boat.

Talthybius · Jun 09, 2016, 11:00 AM

Doesn't matter if it is considered weird. What do you want right now? And what do you want 20 years down the road?

You mention things that may sound like you made up an excuse why you don't need a relationship. Are you sure you are more of a person without one?

s4ndm4n2006 · Jun 09, 2016, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Is it considerer weird that I never had a relationship with a girl before, and don't plan on having one? I was labeled gay by someone once because I never had a relationship and I am 26 now.

I don't think it makes me gay, the person was just be arrogant and judgemental. But it still makes me wonder if it may come off as strange that I never dated and basically have no desire to yet.

I don't plan on having sex either. Here are the reasons. First, I just have no desire in dating yet or even having sex. Second, I have a partial face paralysis on one side of my face which makes me look weird when I smile. I actually control the way I smile in order to prevent it from looking too weird.

People have labeled me creepy because of the way my face looks. And also I just fear false accusations. I had one female friend in high school falsely accuse me of being creepy because she felt sorry for me and really did not want to be friends so she made up a story in order to cut off the friendship rather than just being honest. And I fear that happening again.

I worry that someone will befriend me out of pity and then get tired of me and make crap up. Also I just fear false accusations in general. Like theoretically, I could have sex that was consented but then something happens where the girl decides she never wanted it afterwards, therefore, making me look like a predator.

I never told anyone about these fears really but this is why. I also just don't want to be dealing with drama. I don't plan on getting married or having kids, just a preference. I just feel like how I look and how I am kind of awkward will inadvertently give off the vibe that I am a creep, even if I have good intentions and would never hurt anyone.

Just don't know if it is considered weird though that I never dated or even really want to date? Some people find it surprising in a way but that is just my preference. Basically just a combination of just not being interested but even if I was, the fears I have would keep me from doing so.

Don't want to be seen as a creepy pervert when I really am not. Even becoming friends with people makes me nervous. I'd rathr be rejected and be told that I am not wanted by someone in my face rather than be befriended out of obligation or pity and they secretly get tired of me and maybe even resentful.

is it out of the ordinary for one to not to desire to have any relationships or date and have sex? yes. Weird does not come into play here. It is not the norm by way of what most people do but that does not make it wrong or a reason to judge you. If you feel this is the right thing for you, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about it.

As for the creepy - what about not wanting a relationship is creepy? It's not creepy, many many other kinds of behaviors can be creepy and this is far from it. being a perv that doesn't want sex? that doesn't even make sense. Why would anyone consider someone with asexual personality as perverted? Typically perversion comes in the form of sex and how one gets sexual stimulation and is aroused by it.

Neramo · Jun 10, 2016, 11:34 AM

Got no good advice, since i'm struggling with this too. But won't be easier to wait by doing something about. Maybe a good practice would be start trying to get new friends. Being able to make some new friends might be important when you get older, and your friends are getting families, moving away etc. But your still young, and if you continue trying, i think this probably will eventually go away

ManOfConstantSorrow · Jun 10, 2016, 01:32 PM

Isn't there a sort of romantic spectrum with mad keen shaggers at on end and asexual folk at the other, and most people more or less at the middle. If you happen to be at either end, so it goes. It is just the way it is.

rdgrad15 · Jun 21, 2016, 12:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

Maybe you are aromatic/asexual?

I think maybe people will think its weird, but its ultimately your choice and you're a consenting adult at this point.

I also think its more common now-days for adults to have less sex and not desire children. I'm one on the "no desire for kids" boat.

I agree with you. I am definitely aromantic and asexual. Yeah people may think it is weird but oh well I guess.

rdgrad15 · Jun 21, 2016, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

is it out of the ordinary for one to not to desire to have any relationships or date and have sex? yes. Weird does not come into play here. It is not the norm by way of what most people do but that does not make it wrong or a reason to judge you. If you feel this is the right thing for you, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about it.

As for the creepy - what about not wanting a relationship is creepy? It's not creepy, many many other kinds of behaviors can be creepy and this is far from it. being a perv that doesn't want sex? that doesn't even make sense. Why would anyone consider someone with asexual personality as perverted? Typically perversion comes in the form of sex and how one gets sexual stimulation and is aroused by it.

I know, I may have made a mistake in what I wrote. I don't think it is creepy to date or have sex, I know how perversion can be creepy when it comes to sexual activities if not wanted by another person, but I just feel like other people will think I am creepy. I had people think I am creepy just because of the way I look, so if I try to look for a relationship, that may just make matters worse. Just a worry I have that's all. It is more on how people will perceive me, combined with no desire to seek relationships at this time.

Lost_in_the_woods · Jun 21, 2016, 12:31 PM

Hey Rgrad

First off I wanted to let you know that Im sorry you have encountered so many hateful ppl.

It makes me peeved off that anyone would be so shallow as to call you "creepy" over a small physical attibute that you have no control over!! Most ppl are basically shallow jerks unfortunately

But there are good ppl out there too. Its not weird that u havent had sexual feelings towards anyone. Everyone is unique in their sexuality and there is no "acceptable" timeframe for that. Only you can decide what and when feels right to you, dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Maybe you are asexual, idk...but, from your post, I also think that you may also be having confidence issues. Hope you are talking to a T. Everyone is beautiful. I know that sounds cliche..but i honestly believe that. UGLY only exists inwardly. IMHO, you have been subject to alot of mean ugly ppl, and over time its hard to block out cruel words.

Hope you are able to look past all that find love and confidence in yourself and Im sure others will see the real you as well.

Keep on Smiling! "Never lle anyone dull your sparkle.."- Marilyn Monroe

s4ndm4n2006 · Jun 21, 2016, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

I know, I may have made a mistake in what I wrote. I don't think it is creepy to date or have sex, I know how perversion can be creepy when it comes to sexual activities if not wanted by another person, but I just feel like other people will think I am creepy. I had people think I am creepy just because of the way I look, so if I try to look for a relationship, that may just make matters worse. Just a worry I have that's all. It is more on how people will perceive me, combined with no desire to seek relationships at this time.

yeah I get the fear. If' you've had people say that to you or think it even, it would stick with you going forward but keep in mind - let this sink in - over the course of your life there will be more people that think you are this, that or the other thing.. in a negative light. But... many more will get to know you and realize who and what you are. those of the opposite sex, included and potential dates. Each of us have at least a few things we can ruminate about and worry ourselves sick but in the end all it does is immobilize us.

Truth be told I have my own other issues that have kept me immobile for quite some time now. So I understand having fears and doing the what if game repeatedly. You are not alone. Give your fears the finger and do it anyway

rdgrad15 · Jun 24, 2016, 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

Hey Rgrad

First off I wanted to let you know that Im sorry you have encountered so many hateful ppl.

It makes me peeved off that anyone would be so shallow as to call you "creepy" over a small physical attibute that you have no control over!! Most ppl are basically shallow jerks unfortunately

But there are good ppl out there too. Its not weird that u havent had sexual feelings towards anyone. Everyone is unique in their sexuality and there is no "acceptable" timeframe for that. Only you can decide what and when feels right to you, dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Maybe you are asexual, idk...but, from your post, I also think that you may also be having confidence issues. Hope you are talking to a T. Everyone is beautiful. I know that sounds cliche..but i honestly believe that. UGLY only exists inwardly. IMHO, you have been subject to alot of mean ugly ppl, and over time its hard to block out cruel words.

Hope you are able to look past all that find love and confidence in yourself and Im sure others will see the real you as well.

Keep on Smiling! "Never lle anyone dull your sparkle.."- Marilyn Monroe

Thank you for your input. Yeah you are right, I have heard so much crap from so many people in the past that it makes me feel like maybe they are right. Like, if so many people say the same thing, then it must be true. It is hard to block it out but yeah I do try to move on from that.

rdgrad15 · Jun 24, 2016, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

yeah I get the fear. If' you've had people say that to you or think it even, it would stick with you going forward but keep in mind - let this sink in - over the course of your life there will be more people that think you are this, that or the other thing.. in a negative light. But... many more will get to know you and realize who and what you are. those of the opposite sex, included and potential dates. Each of us have at least a few things we can ruminate about and worry ourselves sick but in the end all it does is immobilize us.

Truth be told I have my own other issues that have kept me immobile for quite some time now. So I understand having fears and doing the what if game repeatedly. You are not alone. Give your fears the finger and do it anyway

Yep you are right, when a certain amount of people say the same thing, it starts to stick and sound true. Yes I agree that not everyone is going to like me, some people will still dislike others no matter how nice someone is. I agree though that pushing through is the best choice though.

IceCreamKid · Jun 25, 2016, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

I know, I may have made a mistake in what I wrote. I don't think it is creepy to date or have sex, I know how perversion can be creepy when it comes to sexual activities if not wanted by another person, but I just feel like other people will think I am creepy. I had people think I am creepy just because of the way I look, so if I try to look for a relationship, that may just make matters worse. Just a worry I have that's all. It is more on how people will perceive me, combined with no desire to seek relationships at this time.

I hope this adds something to the conversation. Lately I have seen several people discuss relationships who are not in relationships for one reason or another--and at the core there seems to be ambiguity about whether they actually want a relationship.

There is nothing wrong with being single and deciding not to have children. There is nothing wrong with spending most of your time alone, either. I spend most of my free time alone because I am surrounded by people nonstop for 16+ hours a day. I welcome my own company in my downtime.

It seems to me you have some anxiety. Just in general, for a happier life, single or not, you might want to consider getting some professional advice about your anxiety. The average red-blooded American male does not worry about a woman accusing him of assault if he keeps his relationship with the woman respectful and mutual. I don't view all men as potential predators. Certainly some are, but I can't live my life fearing all men might be.

I have a lopsided smile; no one has ever said anything to me about it. Most people are just pleased that someone is smiling at them. Please consider getting some professional advice to get outside your own head and decide what it is you really want. It's okay if what you really want is a solitary life--but it should be because you want it, not because you fear something else.

Jun 25, 2016, 09:55 PM

You sound like a nice person, not creepy.

rdgrad15 · Jun 26, 2016, 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainyday107

You sound like a nice person, not creepy.

Well thank you, I'm glad.

rdgrad15 · Jun 26, 2016, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I hope this adds something to the conversation. Lately I have seen several people discuss relationships who are not in relationships for one reason or another--and at the core there seems to be ambiguity about whether they actually want a relationship.

There is nothing wrong with being single and deciding not to have children. There is nothing wrong with spending most of your time alone, either. I spend most of my free time alone because I am surrounded by people nonstop for 16+ hours a day. I welcome my own company in my downtime.

It seems to me you have some anxiety. Just in general, for a happier life, single or not, you might want to consider getting some professional advice about your anxiety. The average red-blooded American male does not worry about a woman accusing him of assault if he keeps his relationship with the woman respectful and mutual. I don't view all men as potential predators. Certainly some are, but I can't live my life fearing all men might be.

I have a lopsided smile; no one has ever said anything to me about it. Most people are just pleased that someone is smiling at them. Please consider getting some professional advice to get outside your own head and decide what it is you really want. It's okay if what you really want is a solitary life--but it should be because you want it, not because you fear something else.

Yep you are right. I am anxious. To answe the question of wanting a relationship, as of now, I really don't want one. But I feel like my anxiety over what I discussed would prevent me from ever getting one in the event I ever decide to seek a relationship in the future.

I know most people do not worry about false accusations, and they are very rare too. It just sticks with me when a handful of people decide to make me feel miserable in the past, making me afraid to pursue any kind of relationship. I am a lot better with friendships but even then I can be anxious. But yeah, overall, I do have anxieties. I never talked to a counselor about it but maybe I will.