This morning I had a screening appointment at a new counseling clinic- I've been seeing an outpatient therapist in the community for over half a year now but I never really clicked with her or felt comfortable opening up with her. My new therapist (whom I have yet to meet; today was just a screening appointment and I will be assigned a therapist soon) will be the 8th one I've seen (I think... this is including the therapists I was assigned while at different treatment centers), and I'm hoping that maybe this one will be "the one." Some of the therapists I've had in the past have been better than others, but I haven't felt comfortable enough with any of them to fully and effectively express myself. I'm starting to think that it's my communication skills that are the problem. Of course, I do believe that having a therapist that you click with is extremely important, but I actually think that there's more to it that's holding me back in my situation. That's not to say that I consider myself stupid or helpless or weak or anything, but rather that I feel I never really learned how to properly express myself verbally, for whatever reason. It makes sense to me when I think about... In the past, I've done so much of my "talking" on my body (self-harm, anorexia). I've often felt that the only way to get people to understand how I'm TRULY feeling is by hurting myself and displaying it physically. And I hate that it takes me nearly dying from my eating disorder for people (particularly my parents) to finally take me seriously and see that something has been going on (even then, though, I feel like they still only saw the tip of the iceberg). Verbalizing emotions is tricky for me; things don't come out quite right. I can say things, and sometimes the listener will echo back to me that they understand, but the things they say afterwards tell me that they do not in fact understand. It makes sense that they would draw those conclusions based on what I said aloud, but deep down I can feel that there was a miscommunication or a disconnect.
I had the courage to tell my first therapist about a diagnosis that I suspected I had. This was on maybe our 2nd or 3rd session, so she didn't know me that well, but, leading up to telling her this, I had made a point to discuss certain issues in my life that made me consider this diagnosis (I felt so sure that I met the criteria and was very informed of the symptoms, so I just tried to tell her honestly what I was experiencing in relation to this diagnosis). Anyway, her response was that she didn't think I had that diagnosis. This felt incredibly invalidating to me. Here I was, struggling with these symptoms, and my therapist had just told me that I don't suffer from this. I know now that not being diagnosed with something does not necessarily mean you don't experience those symptoms, but what I also know now is that I have a tendency to minimize my feelings and struggles. So, my current thoughts are that maybe I didn't express myself quite accurately, because this therapist never seemed to fully understand how I was feeling. Ever since that happened, though, I have been so afraid to bring up certain things with my therapists for fear of being invalidated. I worry that I won't be able to accurately get across how I TRULY feel and that, as a result, I will hear something that will minimize/invalidate what it is that I truly feel. (I also tend to invalidate myself now- I'll tell myself that I have no good reason to feel that way that I feel.) Basically, I feel like I cannot get my words to correctly/effectively match my feelings (I do find that typing is a little bit easier because I have more time to think it over and make revisions, although I still do believe there are bits that get lost). It's like a thought is formed in my head but, before it can reach my mouth, it runs into a filter that distorts/minimizes/reduces/changes/skews it in some way.
I get agitated when people tell me that they "get it" or "understand." I know it's said with good intentions, but, no, you don't get it. You may understand the words that I'm saying, but you don't understand what I'm feeling (because I struggle with getting my feelings and words to match). In a way, I don't want people to get it. I don't want them to truly know my pain. Everyone has their own struggles anyway. In my opinion, the only true way to understand one's pain is by experiencing it themselves. While people may have very similar experiences, no one has the exact same. For example, two people may have experienced childhood sexual abuse from a parent, but there are so many other factors that influence how a person experiences and reacts to that. (That's not to say that people with similar experiences can't be a great support to one another, though.) What I'm trying to say is (I think... hah) that I kind of don't like it when people say "you're not alone" or "I understand" because, to me, those aren't true. My pain is my own; I want to own it. I also want to acknowledge your pain, and, while we may not be able to understand each other's experiences to a tee, we can accept that and continue to support each other as best as we can.
Tell me that there's something "wrong" with me. Tell me that I or something I am experiencing is not "normal." The thought of some of the things I experience being "normal" is so depressing for me... I don't want to live with these things. I want someone to notice them for what they are and help me overcome them. I wish I could verbalize my thoughts and feelings adequately so that my pain can truly be recognized and validated for what is. Part of me does feel bad about craving that. But I can't deny it anymore. I have needs and one of those is for validation. Maybe I'm an attention-*****. I don't know. I don't care anymore.
I'm rambling now. I'm not sure what I want out of this post; maybe I just needed to get this out there. But, any thoughts/insight/ideas on how to work on my communication would be greatly appreciated. I'm new here, by the way.
Jul 06, 2016, 10:40 PM
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.
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