Dealing with insecurities?

Hey all! So, I met someone on an online dating site and we exchanged numbers. We spoke for a bit and she asked if I'd like to meet up. So we met up at a public restaurant and we had a nice time! She's really nice and she said that we should make plans to meet up again.*

Now, there aren't any problems with her, just with myself. I'm in my early to mid 20s and I've never dated anyone before. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I've had depression for years. My anxiety is also pretty bad. I see a therapist but I may have to see a new one. Because of these things and the fact that it's hard to find other queer people, I have a lot of insecurities and I avoided intimate relationships. However, I want to change things and get close to someone and develop an emotional connection.*

I guess I'm asking for advice on how to handle my insecurities. I know that I deserve good things, like everyone else, but there's a part of me deep inside that sometimes feels as if I'm too defective or messed up to be with. *

I'm also dealing with the problem of being patient. I've always been attracted to people who were emotionally unavailable. Now I'm finally interested in a person who's healthy for me and (I'd hope) she's interested in me. But things are going at a slow pace and my insecurities can't help but get the best of me.*

I guess...I'd just really like advice on how to handle insecurities when it comes to new relationships/dating.*

Thanks a lot.*

Hello starryprince: Congratulations on finding someone special! I don't know as I have much of anything useful to offer here. It's been many years since the Skeezyks was involved with fostering new relationships. My thinking with regard to this is to share, with your new friend, what you are feeling.

Of course, you don't want to dump it on her all at once. You could possibly scare her off. But just a bit at a time, share with her what is in your heart. This may not only help you to feel better... but it will give her permission to share her inner feelings as well & possibly draw the two of you closer. The other alternative is, of course, if you see a therapist, talk this over with that person as well. (I'm sure you already know that.)

There are Buddhist practices I could share with you that address this sort of thing as well. However, I'll presume this is probably not something you'd be that interested in. So I won't go into that. These are the sum-total of my suggestions. I wish you both well...

Hi Skeezkys!! Thanks so much for commenting. You always offer such good advice. I really want to be open with her when we get closer! But I'm also really afraid that...Well, what if she doesn't really like me...? My friends have told me that, at the least, she's interested in me, or else she wouldn't have suggested meeting up with me and suggesting that we hang out again. But when I like someone, I get so attached in my mind yet I'm not clingy in person. I very rarely messaged them first and I usually waiting for them to message me. I just don't want to come off as too clingy but, in my mind, I'm so clingy...I hate that part of myself, for getting so attached. I just like talking to her. ;___;

I'm actually really interested in hearing about these Buddhist practices! Anything that will give me peace of mind is helpful. ^___^ Thank you!!

I'm in the same situation. I've just met a nice girl (finally) and she says she's really into me. We had agreed SLOW and EASY, but it feels a little like I want to hit both the gas pedal and the brakes, haha. I don't think I'm alone in that either. But the insecurity is epic. The minute you start to like someone...wham! You're having a neurotic fit. (Or at least that's how happens for me.) The best I can offer is to try to distract yourself and not focus on it if you can help it at all.

I hate getting attached, too. She wants me to seriously date her, but I'm afraid she'll just treat me like trash as soon as she has me where she wants me. I feel much safer right where I am. But...ugh. I should be asking you for advice, not trying to offer you some! Lol. Sorry it's not much help, I just wanted to let you know that I really relate!

Hey there! Thank you for responding! I wish you the best of luck with your new romantic interest! It seems like we have opposite problems. She wants you to seriously date her but I have no idea what my crush wants. Something is telling me that they're a bit nervous about how they feel about me. I have been trying to distract myself actually! I've been trying to get a hold on my anxiety and I am trying to do things by myself. So I went to the botanical gardens by my house today, by myself, and it was great! ^__^

Do not worry. You've been helpful! Thank you! I wish you luck with your crush! And don't let your fear hold you back. This girl sounds very nice (you said so yourself) and it seems like she wants something serious. I don't think she'll treat you like trash. Don't be afraid to take a risk when it comes to romance. I'm trying to take more risks as well!

You're quite welcome. Heh, thank you. (How ironic, we just had a quasi-argument. Slap me. It was valid, though. Alas.)

Could it be that your crush is leery of taking a chance due to past experiences? Do you know enough to say? It sounds like you're doing very well dealing with the anxiety and preventing it from taking over.

Thank you. After tonight, I'm just not sure it's viable after all. I was actually going to start dating her after meeting one more person I'd already agreed to meet. Now...hmm. It may be that she wants something serious purely on her terms. It's a shame because we seem(ed?) fairly compatible.

Thank you for both your similar situations. With dating, I know it helps to literally "just be yourself" as overly said that saying is. And I agree, don't throw out all your eggs at once and tell them all your problems. It's a glittery at first, and then it glitter fades and you see the defects and the awareness of what is "wrong" with you. We all have insecurities. Slowly show this girl how you are and why you're shy. Just smile, make her laugh, show her she is important to you, that's all that matters. The rest will fall into place. And congrats on finding a girl that may be a potential partner and for stepping out of your comfort zone. You've already taken the first step.

And for my second friend, I know it's hard to think we won't get hurt. It's all about trust and boundaries. Keep "dating" this girl until you are truely ready. Tell her your fear. All of that. I think girls like it when guys talk about their feelings the most. And if you get hurt, (this goes for you too, friend #1) try again later. sometimes we are one asshole away from our soulmate, or however that goes.

I just want to touch on that clingy subject...


While its all good and well to not come across as a clinger... You also don't want to show zero interest at all.


So please don't always wait for her to contact you, she might perceive this as disinterest on your part, and it may be why she's reluctant to let you know where she's at.


Also, even if she doesn't think any of these things she could be asking about you on a forum right now and ppl will say "if a guy is interested he will make an effort" yes, sadly totally disregarding what the guy may be experiencing... Not fair, and certainly not always true (from my own experience with my bf) BUT its what is preached across the world.


So please call or text her, even if its just a pic or a meme that you'd like to share. That way there's no early gushing goo goo eyes or the clingy label, just someone opening the lines of communication (which BONUS!... means he was thinking about her)....

Hey there! So...a lot of people assume I'm a guy. I'm not a man...=/ I'm queer.

The reason why I wait for her to contact me is because I noticed when I contact her (which I almost always contacted her first), the conversations are short lived and she always stops messaging first. So I don't know what to do.

This isn't me bashing her. She's really lovely, but I've never been in this situation before. This is mostly me asking how to deal with my insecurities because I don't want to self-sabotage myself. So I'm currently trying to keep myself distracted, by going around the city and doing things by myself, or engaging in creative projects.

ALSO. Why my insecurities are getting the best is because she initiated the first hangout. So she said we should hang out again in the future. So since she initiated the first hangout, I initiated the second, but she hasn't given me a clear answer at all. Just that she's busy and she'll see.

I understand where you're coming from, though, and the advice is much appreciated! Just...Lol, I'm not a man. XD

My bad, the advice still stands though, regardless of gender... I've seen it preached here on PC over and over. If someone likes you they'll call.


I hear what you're saying about the convos dying early, that's part of the reason why I suggested you send her pictures / memes... That way you don't even have to have a conversation, but at least you pop into her mind and she knows she has popped into yours.

That's good advice, the picture thing! I've been playing Pokemon go, so I could message her pictures of Pokemon I've caught, haha. XD I'll take your advice! Thank you.

I agree that sharing interests is a great way to connect. I like to exchange pictures, songs, poems, drawings, plus whatever the other person is interested in creating. You can find out a great deal about people just by about their daily lives, their opinion on one game or another, etc. Of course the larger things are important, but the small details are just full of information. Everything has a story that can create common ground and insight.

I'm so sorry you had an argument....That sucks. =( I really hope you guys can work things out. She sounded like a nice person.

I agree with you! I gotta take off those rose-colored glasses after a while and see things for how they are, which is why I don't want to tell her anything now. Especially if things don't get serious with us, you know? Thanks for the advice.

Okay, I will try doing that! Thanks so much for the advice you guys! I'm feeling a bit better.

Somehow we were able to deal with the argument. Talked about it and I stayed put. However. I really hate committing because I've experienced too many times how people no longer value me when I'm really available. I guess it's better to know sooner rather than later. Here goes nothing.

How are you doing with yours?