What was the hardest/most difficult decission you've ever made (if don't mind share)

Hello. Hi, if you don't mind sharing, what was the hardest/most difficult decission you have ever made? Whether it decission regarding family, love/marriage/relationship, health, work/career, anything..
Thank you very much for your time sharing your stories/experience.

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I guess I go first. Sorry, warning: LONGGG post ahead.. I know everyone time is precious, so please skip it if you don't have a few minutes to spare. And sorry for my Not so good English grammars, English is my third language.

The hardest/most difficult decission I have ever made--I was force to chose between my parents or the guy who is now husband. My mom force me to chose between her and my dad, or my husband. And I chose my husband.. Yup, I'm a very Unfilial daughter, I chose a guy over my parents.

My mom make it loud and clear that if I married him, she will completely cut me off. I fully know this and I still chose him, I'm a very Unfilial daughter.. My mom disown me off after I got married.
She said I make her "Lose Face", because I married my husband. Not only make her lose face to family, but also make her lose face to the Chinese community where she lives. She feels embarrassed and shameful about me.. She just hate me so much, she doesn't want anything to do with me.
I have No regrets that I chose my husband.. But it just hurts and hurts so much. In the Chinese culture, parents and family is VERY VERY important. And my parents disown me, I feel that a part of me is missing.

It just hurts and hurts and hurts alot. When she is my mother--the woman who gave birth to me, bring me to this world. But belittle me, insult me, spit in my face and call me dirty. Said I'm dirty and full of shame.. In her eyes, I'm nothing but just a dirty and shameful girl. My mother call me dirty, I'm dirty because I sleep with him--the guy who lawfully is my husband.

It hurts alot that my own mother is ashamed of me. She said she rather not gave birth to me.
It hurts alot that she my mom but called me 'Dirty'. She also called my future children dirty.. According to her words, my future children are equally 'Dirty' and shameful just like me--their mom.
She also said DO NOT ever bring those dirty grandchildren back to see her.
She make it very clear that when I'm pregnant, don't bring my dirty stomach back to see her, I'm not welcome nor is my dirty stomach.

I grief alot.. I grief that my future children won't have a maternal grandma like other people children. I grief when I see other people children have their maternal grandma love them, but my children? My children don't have that blessing.
In my mother eyes, according to her words--my children equally 'Dirty' and shameful just like me.. Children are innocent, I don't know why my mom have the heart to call my future children dirty, and call my stomach dirty. She make it very clear that when I'm pregnant, don't ever bring my dirty stomach back to see her.

It hurts alot alot, my mom always call me dirty.. I'm not dirty, my future children is not dirty. The guy I sleep with is my husband; we married, he is my husband. Why my mom insult me, spit in my face and call me dirty? It hurts so much.
If you ever have anyone spit in your face before, you know exactly how it feels.. I'm sorry but to me it is one of the worst thing that you can do to someone. I find that my mother spit in my face is worser damage (emotionally) than she slap me in my face. I rather have she just slap me in my face, to me that would be less painful than she spit in my face.

I have zero family support. I have No family to turn to.. Family here I mean immediate family, my blood family. I'm not an orphan, I Know I have an immediate family, but it like I don't have any.

In the Confucianism Chinese culture, Unfilial is the top top biggest sin, lighting will hit those who unfilial to their parents. In our culture, we strongly believe that if you unfilial to your parents, when you have your own children, your children will be unfilial back to you.
I married the guy that my parents make it loud and clear that they disapproved. Despite knowing that they will completely cut me off if I married him, and I still chose to married him.
I'm willing to let my parents disown me, I chose a guy over my parents.. In my Chinese culture, that is a big No-No, that is considered unfilial in Confuciansim culture teaching.

I know lightning will hit me one day, I know Karma will get me one day for being an unfilal daughter. I know when I have children, my children will be unfilial back to me. I deserve it.
But I feel sad for my husband, he doesn't deserve that. He always been a filial son, he very filial to his mother. He doesn't deserve his children be unfilial to him.

My mother always give me a very hard time and TREMENDOUS pressure.. Everyday I struggle inside, torn between him and my parents. All the pressure my mom giving me, it just so much pressure from my mother.

I know my parents disapproved my husband, I know married him my parents will disown me. I tried really really hard not to love him, I tell myself I can't love him. But doesn't matter how hard I try, I myself inside know that I love him.
As much as I hate myself for chose him over my parents. As much as I hate to admit, but I love him. I grow to love him more everyday.. My feelings for him was dradual developement feelings. I Know for sure I love him, and now I'm at the point where I don't even know if I can function correctly without him in my life.

He is an awesome husband. He loving and caring, and a devoted husband. He ridiculously patience, patience and patience. He treats me really really well, he loves me in every possible way that he can. He loves me alot alot, perhaps even way more than I love him.. I feel blessed to have him as a husband. I have zero regrets this lifetime.
I have no regrets that I chose to married him. And as unfilial as it sounds--I have no regrets that I chose him over my parents.

Eversince I married him. All I have to do is cook him (he loves eat Chinese food), and help wash dishes. And be his wife. (All he ask me for is cook him homemade food so he have food to get when he comes home from work. And ask me to be his wife).
After dinner he the one that clean the kitchen; after done clean the kitchen he join help with the dishes too.
He do laundry. He do cleaning around the house, do maintenance. He do all the vacuum, mopping, sweeping, take out the trash, housework things he do.
He the one that that scrub and clean the toilet bowl, do all the bathroom cleaning. Never once he let me clean the toielt or clean the bathroom.. Same with laundry; he won't let me do laundry, in our house it him that do laundry. He said he 'wants' to do our laundry; not just his only but do mine and his together.
He said things like clean scrub the toilet--cleaning toilet/bathroom, an ddo laundry. Those are 'his' jobs--the husband job. He specificly said he wants to be the one that do it.

He worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life.
He work hard to secure our future. To make sure we always be in a comfortable fiancial position, make sure we have extra money in saving.. He work his butt off, just so I can live a comfy life without have to worried about financial.
Thank you to him, I live a comfy life without much to worried (emotionally or financially). Thank you to him, a girl with only a High school diploma (No college degree) who work $10 an hour minimum wage job like me can live a stable and comfy life.

He treats me really really well; I have no regrets married him. I have no regrets this lifetime.. It just I don't get my mother, I don't get why it so hard for my mother to accept him; she disapproved him SOLELY because of his skin color. It just so Unfair to him, seeing how my mother discriminate against him.
NEVER once my mother care enough to meet my husband.. She very very unreasonable. She doesn't even care to know his name, let alone his jobs or who he is as a person. NEVER once she care enough to met him. She said alot of hurtful words. She discriminate against him and disrespect him when she never met him before, not even once. How fair is that to him? Why so Unfair to him?

I grief and grief over my mother alot.. I wish there will be a beautiful day where my mother will stop discriminate against him, stop disrespect him, and accept him. There will be a beautiful day where my mom can see him for his heart, for who he is as a person instead of his ethnicity.
I wish that there will be a beautiful day where my husband will have a MIL that accept him and respect him like other people DH out there. There will be a beautiful day where my future children will have a "maternal" grandma like other people children out there.
I wish there will be a beautiful day where my mother will no longer ashamed of me, no longer ashamed of my marriage. There will be a beautiful day where I have a mother who will love me unconditionally like how other people mother love them..
BUT I know wish is just wish, I know this lifetime I don't have this blessing, I just never meant to have mother who love me like other people mother out there love them.. I really admire all of those out there who have a mother love you; I admire you so much, you just don't know how much I admire you.

You changed your name on the site right? I recognized your writing style.

Does your mom reject your husband because he isn't Chinese? Some people are narrow minded and believe their kids must marry within their culture. Sorry you are dealing with it. It's a tough situation and very painful

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Hi Jasmine30
I am sorry for the pain this is causing you. I guess your family must be very traditional, to disown you like that. I can't imagine what that must be like.
I am Australian of European descent. My sister married a chinese man (from Malaysia) and his family were not very accepting. They came to the wedding and made it clear they did not approve. Eventually they accepted her, as he is their only son, and my sister's daughter their only grandchild. I hope your mother softens and you can reconcile.
Please don't feel shame. You had the right ti make your own choice, and it was the right one.
Hugs

Thank you Ms. Ceridwen18 for your kind and supportive words, it means alot to me. Thank you. But my case is different, it 180 degree different than your case.
European (White) is not colored people. A Chinese woman married a White American/European man there PLENTY. And Chinese parents accept it fine. There ALOT of Chinese (Asian) and White couple.
But my husband is NOT White. I mentioned my husband ethnicity in my previous thread before (my thread back in 2015). I guess I didn't mentioned it clearly in this thread (because I find his ethnicity is irrelevant).

Anyways, my husband is Black.
My husband come straight from Sierra Leone, West Africa. He is Black.
He Not mix, he FULLY African. He much darker skin than African-American here in the U.S. He Not brown, Not even dark brown. He the dark dark chocolate black, that dark black.
A Chinese girl and a Black guy, it just not acceptable in the China/Chinese culture. If anyone go to China before know this. If anyone know Chinese culture know this. Chinese parents just don't take it so well when their daughter go married a Black guy, simple as that. Go ask any Chinese parents and they will tell you. I'm sure I'm not the only Chinese girl who have parents disapproved their daughter date/married a Black guy.

I love him, his skin color is irrelevant to me. I just feel unfair, so unfair that my mother disapprove him solely because of his ethnicity. It just so unfair to him.
I just don't get my mother. Me and her are also people of color--we are yellow. We Chinese (Asian), we are yellow--we are also colored people. Why can't I love him? Why can't I love a guy who lawfully is my husband? He is a colored person, so what? I'm also a colored person myself.

My husband he knows all about my mother disapproved him, discriminate against him and disrespect him.
He knows all about my abusive childhood, (my mother verbally and emotionally abuse me in my childhood). He doesn't mind my emotional childhood baggage.. He doesn't care that my mother discriminate against him.
He accepted everything about me.. He accepted that this is our situation/circumstances. He face the situation and make the best out of it.

There No hate in his heart, there No resentment.. NEVER once I heard him say a word criticize my mother. NEVER once I heard him say a disrespectful word, a negative word or a bad word about my mother. NEVER once he complain a word about our situation/circumstances.
But then he never complain anyways. I Never heard him complain a word about his life, his jobs or anything life throw at him.. He said complain won't change anything. Don't run away, face the situation and make the best out of it.

The one that complain alot is me.. I just don't have the level-headed and the ridiculously patience level like my husband.
Heck, I'm still yearning for my mother to accept him, when deep down inside I know that she will never accept him.. From met him--to acquaintance to friends--to dating--to marriage--even to this day; NEVER once my mother care enough to met him, she just won't accept him at.all, she just won't change her view/mind. What make I think she will suddenly change her mind now?

Past or present, he treats me really well. He loves me unconditionally.. He really patience, and really understanding of my abusive childhood. And understanding of my culture.
All he asked me for is promise to Communicate with him, talk to him. We will face all the hardship together.. My family disapproval of him, our huge cultural difference, whatever hardship throw at us; he believe we can make it. As long two people loves each others, two people willing to communicate with each others, willing to make the effort to work it out together.

He strongly believe in communication. Talk it out together, and solve the problem together.. He wants me and him--both put in the effort to communicate to each others.
He likes to face the problem, communicate it through and solve it. He strongly against the silent-treatment route.
To him love/marriage go side by side with communication.. Don't rug-sweep problems, face it and work it out together. Don't run away from the piles, it will just build up more and more. I dunno, I guess he the type of guy that big on communication.

Eversince I met him--from acquaintance to friends--to dating--to marriage--to this day; it been peaceful and loving, completely drama-free, zero drama.. Marriage also have been peaceful and loving. Heck, we don't even fight or argue.
Thank you to his patience and effort that hold this marriage stable and peaceful. He ridiculously patience, patience and patience, and still ridiculously patience.
My mother did said she will open her eyes wide and watch my marriage with this guy she disapproved, watch my marriage fail miserably.

My mother make it very very clear, deep down inside I know I have no hope left. But subconciously I'm still yearning for the day she will accept my husband.. I just hope before this life of mine is over, my mother can accept him. Or at least try to, at least give once change to met him.
I feel terrible for him. The more of an awesome husband he is, the more terrible I feel.

I said in my OP already. It just me grief, I grief and grief over my mother alot.. I wish there will be a beautiful day where my mother will stop discriminate against him, stop disrespect him, and accept him. There will be a beautiful day where my mom can see him for his heart, for who he is as a person instead of his ethnicity.
I wish that there will be a beautiful day where my husband will have a MIL that accept him and respect him like other people DH out there. There will be a beautiful day where my future children will have a "maternal" grandma like other people children out there.
I wish there will be a beautiful day where my mother will no longer ashamed of me, no longer ashamed of my marriage. There will be a beautiful day where I have a mother who will love me unconditionally like how other people mother love them.
BUT I know wish is just wish, I know this lifetime I don't have this blessing, I just never meant to have mother who love me like other people mother out there love them.. I just wish that I have a mother who love me like other people mother love them, is that too much to ask?

Hardest desision? It turned out to be the best decision.

It was the decision to leave my husband.

Hi jasmine30
No, I didn't know your husband's ethnicity. I assumed that what angered your mother was that your husband was not Chinese, as I have known Chinese families who insist their sons and daughters marry within their cultural group. I'm sorry.
Not all mothers love their children. Your situation is sad, and causes you pain. Many people are not loved by their parents, abused in terrible ways, hurt in ways that will never heal.
Some people have their lives destroyed by their parents.
You have a husband who adores you. You are happy with your decision. Perhaps it is time to move forward, without looking over your shoulder at the past. Not ideal, but what can you do to change the situation? Don't let your mother's problem spoil your happiness today.

Culture and family teach us. They don't always teach us right. Sometimes the lessons are dead wrong.

My dad used to hit us to discipline. I was raised thinking this was right. When I had my own children, I came to know it was very wrong. I never hit them.

I didn't have to give anything up like you did, though. But it sounds, to me, like you made the right decision for your own happiness, and that your husband is a treasure that you will never, ever regret.

Children are not allowed to put their parents happiness above their own, in my world.

the hardest decision i have ever made was to tell the truth and risk losing everything that mattered to me.

very much like your culture involved putting your parents first, my upbringing involved going to extremes (doing anything no matter how wrong)to get my needs met, or even to survive sometimes.

i am glad that you made the choice to live for yourself.

Severing all contact with my toxic family of origin as well as all extended family and friends connected thereto.

It was also the best thing I ever did for my physical and emotional well-being.

It hasn't been easy, but it's certainly been worth it!

You married him because you love him. I'm so sorry your parents can't see that. They are wrong and you won't get struck by lightning. I promise, your parents are the ones who need to change. My hardest decision is similar to yours, my mom doesn't like my husband but tolerated him while trying to control me for 5 years. It's a long story but basicly I grew up with the belief there was something wrong with me, I was strange and I didn't deserve love. I was a late bloomer but growing up it was understood that I would be the spinster while my sister would be the one with a family. I'm the sad sister ��. Well as life would have it it didn't work out that way. I met my husband and it was love. I had been on a lot of dates mostly I would come home from them trying to figure out how to never see that guy again. My first date with my husband was different I couldn't wait to see him again! My mom settled for men twice so I guess in her mind my husband was just temporary he'd give me kids then we would divorce and that would be that. I stood up to her almost 2 years ago and I haven't talked to her in well over a year. It's sad but I can't put her crap on my family.

You are the same, your parents are wrong not you. Your husband and you are a family. It sounds like a happy one, I wish my husband said toilets were his job lol. I am sorry for your parents actions, I'm sorry you think you are dirty but you aren't. You are in love, you are starting a life. I hope that helps. Look up some things on toxic parenting and build up that self esteem. You are awesome! Hugs

Thank you so much for everyone replies--sharing your stories/experience, and your kind and supportive words to me. Thank you, it means alot to me. Thank you. I 'hug' and 'thanks' all the replies.

I grief and grief over my mother alot.
The relationship between me and my mom is very strain, I never have a good relationship with my mom. Not even in my childhood, in my childhood she verbally and emotionally abuse me.
I love my mother alot, but we just don't have a good relationship. And she not close in distance to me, she lives 1 hour drive away, (1 hour by car on freeway I don't think it close distance).
I don't mind drive 1 hour on the freeway to come back home to visit my father. But my mom just make it extremely hard for me, she always lecture me of how dirty I am and keep insutling me.

Despite I never had a good relationship with my mom, but before she didn't hate me to the point that she would completely cut me off. (She began to disown me after I married my husband).
At least before she let me drive back to visit my dad, let me phone home and talk to my dad see how he doing. I do miss and love my father very much, (the father that never abuse me in my childhood)... Frankly, I don't care how my mother treats me. I just want to visit my old father, or at least let me phone home. I always feel that I'm a very unfilial daughter. If one day he passed away due to old age, I will forever regrets that I didn't see him often enough when he was still alive.

My mom pretty much force me to chose between her and my dad, or my husband. And when I chose to married my husband, she disown me.. She make it extremely hard for me and give me tremendous pressure. I know she wants me to leave my husband (she discriminate against him and just won't accept him as a son in-law).

Because I'm still married to my husband, she keeps make it harder and harder for me. I know the longer and longer I stay married, the more and more pressure my mom going to give me.. But No, I will not leave my husband just to make my mom happy. Why do I have to leave the guy who lawfully is my husband? I love him.
She make it loud and clear that she does not welcome me drive back to visit my dad anymore. She does not welcome me to step foot in to the house to visit see my dad. And don't ever phone back home to talk to her or ask how my dad doing, she doesn't want anything to do with me.. Yes, she that much ashamed of me.
What further hurts is my dad never stood up for me. Eventhough my dad doesn't bluntly said all the hurtful words like my mom. But he never care enough to stood up for me, that is no difference as letting me know that he agree with what my mom do.. I guess my own father is ashamed of my marriage and ashamed of me too.

I know my mom is ashamed of me, ashame of my marriage, I know she embarrassed about me..
I don't mind she belitlte me or say hurtful things to me. I don't mind she point her finger at me and lecture me. Heck, I don't even mind she spit in my face.. She is my mother, she gave birth to me--she bring me to this world; I know this and I will never forget this. All I want is she let me visit my dad, let me see my dad.

I love my dad so much, eventhough my dad is 15 years older than my mom but his health is decent for his old age. I'm fortunate to have the blessing that my father is still alive and healthy, I thank God everyday for this blessing.
Last month on Father's Day, I want to see my dad very much. I don't mind drive 1 hour on the freeway to come back home to visit my father, if I can just see my dad for few minutes so I can ask how he doing. But my mom won't let me.

My mom make it loud and clear that she not welcome me to step foot in to the house to visit see my dad. Last time she open the door and said why do I still drive back to visit? She call me dirty, she not welcome me.. I know it her house, she have every right not to let me step foot in.
I don't mind stand outside the if that means I can talk to my dad. But my dad won't step out and talk to me.. I guess my own father is ashamed of my marriage and ashamed of me too.

The only way she let me step in the house to see my dad is if I sit there and let she belittle me, insult me, lecture me of how dirty I am. Sit there and hear all the hurtful words she said about my husband, her comments about my husband it just so hurtful.
I don't mind she call me dirty, put me down, belittle me.. But I really can't handle sit there hear she said all the hurtful comments about my husband, all the hurtful discriminate words she has against him. I just can't do it.
I really want to see my dad, but I just can't sit through her lecture, because I will cry. I don't want to cry every time I visit my dad, I don't want to hear the hurtful words my mom lecture me every time I visit my dad.

I know she is my mother, she gave birth to me, she bring me to this world..
I don't blame my mom for disown me, I only blame myself for chose my husband over my parents, I blame myself for being an unfilial daughter.
Anyways, the only way left is for me is phone home. I do try attempt to phone home, hoping I can talk to my dad. But every time she picks up she call me Dirty and say hurtful things, and won't let me talk to my dad.. I don't know if I should keep attempt to phone home. Phone home last hope I have left trying to maintain contact with my father.
My dad know my cell phone #, but he never care enough to phone me. I guess it pretty clear that he ashamed of me and ashamed of my marriage; he just doesn't say bluntly out the hurtful words like my mom.

I really dont' know what to do in my situation, I feel that both my parents have abandon me. I mean my mom make it very clear that she will disown me if I married my husband. I fully know this and I still chose my husband over my parents, so I only have myself to blame.
I know the relationship between me and my mom is unmendable, there no hope between me and my mom; I have accept that. But then I also lost my father, he on my mom side, even my own father abandon me too. I really don't know what to do in my situation.. What would you do? My mother so unfair to me, it just so unfair that she treats me this way, she is my mother--why my own mother treats me this way?

I'd like to start off by saying how sorry I am to hear about Jasmine30's parents (mom) cutting you out of your family, as well as saying all those mean and hurtful things. I can totally relate to the hurt from all those painful things being said to me by my mother as well.
She not only took a 2x4 to my back side when I was five years old, but also wished I was never born, and regretted the day she ever had me. To this day however, she refuses to take responsibility to the damage she caused, and as a result of that, I don't talk to her much anymore.
I know it's not easy to deal with, and I understand the Chinese culture is all about family and such, yet if that is the way you're mom's going to be? I believe you made the right decision with choosing your husband. My hat's off to ya girl

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The few things that were the hardest things I had to do within' my life are: One, had to put two of my dog's down, within' a 10 year time span, and they both took their last breathes in my arms. There are a lot of individuals out there that would say that I'm silly for crying, or being so bent out of shape for having to put an animal down. Yet, to me, they were part of my family
Two, having to make the difficult decision of remaining single in this life b/c of how my illness/ conditions effect me. I've never found, not one, person who can honestly 100% be able to handle it all. Not to mention how much harder it all gets to me when when things just aren't working out.
I've been told many times again that I just haven't met the right person yet. And, that very well maybe true. Yet, it would take a person with an extreme amount of patience and a list of other things in order for that to happen. As well as everything not feel like it's crushing me under the pressure of yet another unsuccessful relationship. And believe me, it's not easy staying single.