[Nimportequoi]

Hey. I'm 18 and currently still living with my mom. I'm depressed for about 8 years now. I see no silver lining at the sky. I also suffer from crippling social anxiety. The list of things I have put off for months because they require doing phone calls is countless.
I was in therapy when I was 14, but it was an overal bad experience. It is so strange to my nature to even think about telling anyone about how I feel.
I recently find myself contemplating suicide more and more, thinking about methods which would qualify for me.
I can't seek treatment by a professional because I just can't do phone calls. I know this sounds incredible. Today for the first time I had the idea I could simply ask someone to make a call for me to set an appointment. But that would most likely mean my parents would get to know about how I feel, and that's not good. I know my mother will blame me and they both don't understnad, but I just can't get away from her, I can't live financially independent, I'm still in school and I'm far from being able to apply somewhere, I even struggle to pay at the supermarket.
On top of that, I don't see any hope. I can't imagine how treatment could help me. My ways of coping are so grained in. My family which is contributing to my depressive state I can't get away of. I'm so at the end of my wrope.
I'm sorry this is so long...

[Skeezyks]

Hello Nimportequoi: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time! Unfortunately, I don't know as I have much of anything to offer in the way of suggestions. If your social anxiety has become so overwhelming that you're contemplating suicide, it is time for you to reach out for help, in real life, in some way or other.

Perhaps, as you say, you might have someone make a call for you. I know you wrote that you're concerned about having your family find out. But the reality of the situation is they will find out sooner or later one way or another. Better to have it be as a result of your reaching out for help, rather than as a result of your continued spiral down into depression or, even worse, a suicide attempt.

And, in the meantime, please keep posting here on PC. It can help too.

[helplessandhopeful]

There is online therapy, maybe that would be a place for you to start.

Hang in there!

[Crazy Hitch]

Can you speak to a school counsellor in person and ask them to make the phone call for you?

[Nimportequoi]

Hey. The thing about asking a school counselor is not such a bad idea. We actually have one at school. Having written down my thoughts, it's not so easy anymore to deny they're there... that's new to me. I normally don't talk about how I feel and thus it's easy to act like everything was alright.
Thanks for all your friendly replies!

I understand...the phone gives me anxiety too and I was unable to reach out at all. I found that writing down my feeling made me easier to understand and I was taken much more seriously (I do share more verbally now and it doesn't have the same impact), and it can be read over and over for clarity.

Baby steps, Nimportequoi...but very important ones.