[fairydustgirl]

So, I have been reading about emotionally unavailable (men) people...but from reading, it would seem I probably am also. What prompted me to look that up is that the guy I have been seeing long distance seems to be very guarded...I have been seeing him and talking to him for about 3 months, we met on match. He is 42 and never married so of course, I who have been previously married for 30 yrs and newly divorced, my first thought was 'what's wrong with him'. But he is SO sweet when we are together and I really like him...most of the time I think he likes me a lot too. but after 3 months I still know next to nothing about him currently. he wrote a lot of info about his growing up on his profile and a little on his jobs and what he likes to do. but as for his day to day living, I hear very little. he rarely calls but texts every day. I do feel insecure about this 'friendship' sometimes and others I feel great about it.

Anyway what makes me think I am also EU is how I can cut someone off with little remorse. I was talking to a guy for about 2 years and seeing him for 1, long distance also, but we communicated extensively every day. The end result, I felt smothered. When I broke up with him, I sent him an email and then completely cut him off from all contact with me. I have missed him off and on but there were real and valid reasons I broke up with him. Even my mom says I am cold. I've done the cut and run with a couple of other people as well.

So, I don't know, the current friendship is not entirely satisfying but I do know that I don't want a truly serious relationship. I am only divorced 2 months now and still got lots of healing to do in general. I"m kind of in a quandary...how do 2 emotionally unavailable people have a real friendship? Or do I just enjoy the moments we have when we do see each other and try not to over think the rest of it? Because I do have that issue as well...I connect dots that don't exist.
Thanks to GAD and Bipolar. woo hoo...oh and I have not told the current guy about my issues other than a brief mention of the anxiety one time. he didn't inquire about that either. funny, he is a counselor too and has worked in a psych hospital at one time.

well, thanks for listening y'all.

[divine1966]

If after 3 months you still know nothing about him, it's not s good sign. Even if it is long distance. I dated long distance ( well we saw each other every few weeks after initial meeting but first few weeks before meeting we knew a lot about each other). When are you planning on meeting?

Also in my experience if men only text and never call they are seeing someone else or several people at once etc. Yes people do that often. My therapist says it's fairly common ( she has over 30 years of practice and is extremely busy practice). Try to call him see what happens, would it always go to voice mail etc do you always have to beg for a phone call etc is it always on his term etc

If you are just out of divorce you probably aren't ready for dating so you attract unavailable people because you aren't available yourself

If you only divorced for 2 months and were married for 30 years when did you have other 2 and 1 year relationships?

To add to this when I was emotionally unavailable I attracted emotionally unavailable men. To attract available people you have to be available yourself. Are in therapy?

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[Trippin2.0]

I see the words "emotionally unavailable men" thrown around A LOT here lately...


Anyone ever stop to think that some people are just realllly private and it takes a while for them to trust you enough to open up?


Are you asking him questions about his day to day living and he's dancing around it, or are you waiting for him to volunteer all the info you need to know?


Idk, I don't have much in the way of advice. What I do know, is its not always automatically a lost cause when someone doesn't immediately sing like a canary.

My bf and my bff (female) are proof of that.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I see the words "emotionally unavailable men" thrown around A LOT here lately...


Anyone ever stop to think that some people are just realllly private and it takes a while for them to trust you enough to open up?


Are you asking him questions about his day to day living and he's dancing around it, or are you waiting for him to volunteer all the info you need to know?


Idk, I don't have much in the way of advice. What I do know, is its not always automatically a lost cause when someone doesn't immediately sing like a canary.

My bf and my bff (female) are proof of that.

You could be right. It just seems that after 3 months of dating people would know more about each other. It could be of course that he is private. It sounds as op is concerned

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[eskielover]

Sometimes people are what would be considered emotionally unavailable because they really haven't felt a connection yet. Not all connections are instantaneous. Some take more time than others even when they aren't considered to be private people. Some people like to see if a relationship will grow before they open up much & it definitely depends on what is in their past to open up about.

Relationships aren't a text book experiment.....each is totally & completely individual & grows at it's own rate. As it grows, is when we can tell better if the person is really someone we can connect with. That's why jumping right into sex messes up the whole really getting to know you thing in a relationship & throws way too many emotional & hormone reactions into the picture that fogs really knowing the person. (Not saying that this is what you are doing.....just a thought I had while writing)

[seesaw]

I think you might not be emotionally available yourself yet. It takes more than a couple of months to get over a 30 year relationship, so it wouldn't surprise me if you have to go through a few guys before you find the ONE. Or a one. However you think of it.

[fairydustgirl]

I appreciate everyone's observations!
It's not that I want him to 'sing it out', its more like, day to day interactions. he disregards questions like 'hey did you take your mom out for Mother's Day?'
How's your cat doing? (he told me he had to take her to the vet a couple of weekends ago and was quite adamant about how the 13 year old cat is his world)...general stuff like that. We are still in the pleasantries stage and though he does say things that make me think he likes me pretty well, it's very infrequent. We have spoken on the ph 3 times, his email replies are very short.
To be honest, I have actually looked up signs of aspergers because he sort of makes me think of that. he said he used to be a teacher's assistant in special education for autism. he's a police officer now and has been for a couple of years. I am very curious about some things but just haven't gotten the courage up to ask. Like...'has he been in any long term relationships', he has mentioned two ex gfs before in passing. what was he doing in his 20s and 30s because he just graduated from college 4 years ago, the police academy 2 years ago. he's 42 now so that's a lot of time getting to this point.
Anyway, I know some things about his distant past but every day things not so much. I feel like he probably is seeing other people, we never have had a conversation of being exclusive other than me telling him I had cancelled match...not because of him, I was getting too overwhelmed with the constant barrage of emails from the website and trying to make nice with so many people. I understand that's a numbers game but I'm just too socially anxious for it. It was an experiment, I found it to be too much.
Anyway, his latest was "I can't wait to see you again' I asked 'any ideas when that might happen' he replied that he would be able to tell me Fri if he is available Sunday. I'm calling BS. he told me he has 3 jobs but who never knows what their schedule is less than a week ahead?
The other thing (I read too much info on the net)...I have found zodiac sign descriptions to be pretty accurate, at least as far as they describe me, so what I can see from his sign (scorpio) is that they are secretive, guarded and very sexual...and that is definitely him. I figured he's going to be one of those guys who is basically make me crazy. I don't need the help. The other thing on the net is to not be pushy, let him be a man and do the chasing etc...so while I am trying to keep things light and take things slow...it's not what I am used to. I have had two bfs who both have told me pretty quickly that they were infatuated with me and then head over heels...as well as, a lot of conversation. So it's not like I haven't had that before. this guy is very different.

Oh someone asked about how I had the other bfs. I decided to divorce my ex H in May of '14 because he crossed a line I didn't know existed until happened. But we had been very unhappy for a number of years, we tried couples therapy 5 times. Anway, the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. The guy I was mentioning, I met 2 years ago online and we talked until I left my husband (May - Dec '14)and then started seeing one another in person through '15. I was separated for about 7 months before I filed for divorce and that took another 9 months...it wasn't contested, just his lawyer was very slow doing his part of the paperwork. I broke up with that other bf just before the divorce papers came in March '16. the two things weren't related...he did something, I got mad and ended it (had been unhappy for a while before that). papers came at the end of march. in the meantime, I had gotten on match in Jan and met the current guy in Feb, he told me he didn't want to do the match thing, then came back in March and said he wanted to give it another chance.
So we have texted and have been together at twice a month since then. I can see that it is very very slow but the lack of what I would consider real communication in between visits is frustrating. We have a great time together, we usually will spend the whole day together and we talk about current things but nothing personal and conversation is good, in addition to physical activities.

I know that's a lot of info I just put out there.
I'm really feeling a bit depressed today, like a dummy I have not been taking my meds correctly so that could be a part of things too.

I thought I could do a strictly physical relationship but apparently I was wrong.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I see the words "emotionally unavailable men" thrown around A LOT here lately...


Anyone ever stop to think that some people are just realllly private and it takes a while for them to trust you enough to open up?


Are you asking him questions about his day to day living and he's dancing around it, or are you waiting for him to volunteer all the info you need to know?


Idk, I don't have much in the way of advice. What I do know, is its not always automatically a lost cause when someone doesn't immediately sing like a canary.

My bf and my bff (female) are proof of that.

I agree with this and, though I've tended to throw it around a lot as well, I sometimes feel like it has hindered me more than helped me. Not everyone who doesn't open up right away is unavailable. By the criteria some people give, I could be labeled as emotionally unavailable. I am guarded and shy in relationships, but not at all unavailable.

[LadyShadow]

Well it seems to me you need sometime to be alone! Going in and out of relationships can cause havoc on your heart and in your head.

And maybe you are overanalizing sometimes all you really need is a good friend.

I do hope things work out for you though. Good luck!

[eskielover]

There are many undiagnosed Aspergers out there. I was married back in 1975 before it was even diagnosed in the US. It wasn't until 2 years ago after leaving that bad marriage that I was finally able to figure out that is what I had been dealing with all those years....then topped it off realizing that was what I grew up with in my dad. I never knew what normal communication was. The non-communication that creates emotional disconnect was the uncomfortable norm in my life. It wasn't until after my parents died & I left my H after 33 years of marriage that I finally was around people who communicate normally & who emotionally connect even as friends. It's been a learning curve but this has been me all my life & had no idea why I fought very angerly in the life I had been trapped in.

Just beware if that is what is going on & if you require good communication to be happy....don't force yourself into an uncomfortable relationship just to have one

[divine1966]

I would tell him that you'd like to have better communication and see what he says and also tell him that if he wants to see you he needs to let you know ahead of time. You might have other plans too.

I wish I was wrong and a guy is just shy or what not or needs more time open up and otherwise it's all awesome. But my guts tell me otherwise judging by your posts. I am very rarely wrong on this. I do hope I am wrong.

Oh I know about physical relationship. They are rarely satisfying whatsoever. I once had friend with benefits right after divorce as no way I was ready for serious relationship. And in a long run it was not satisfying on deeper level. Long story. We actually stayed friends and are both marrying second time this summer ( not to each other lol).

I talked to my t about the kind of relationship and how it is unsatisfying as it is not deep and she said it can't be satisfying. It could be at the moment but no one could be happy and content just having physical connection. Something will always be missing

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[eskielover]

The one thing I've come to realize in any relationship. If there are things that go unspoken, things end up being assumed & they are usually wrong assumptions because we ALWAYS want to think the best of people. But when things aren't upfront & known about & people aren't open & transparent....THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG.

I have found this true in personal relationships as well as business. Took me over 60 years to figure this out but it all makes sense now that I am surrounded by functional people

[fairydustgirl]

I completely agree with you eskielover.
Some of my behavior makes me wonder if the bipolar is what's making me some of the crazy...because I write in my online journal and most of the time I am not happy with the situation, I know I am analyzing things correctly and I will say to myself, I am done with this. What happens next? I hear from him and go 'happy happy joy joy' and disregard all the stuff I had just told myself. I feel like an idiot. Anyway, the other day I thought we had had something of a heart to heart, I asked some specific questions and he answered pretty well. BUT he also said he would let me know on Fri if we could meet up on Sun...which is really late in the first place and I know I shouldn't be letting it be that last minute ( I have dogs so have to make arrangements for them )...so he didn't contact me til almost 11 pm Fri to tell me this weekend wouldn't work out for us. So, I try to be light and blow it off a bit...but I didn't get to sleep all night and ended up emailing him about 5am and being honest about the things that have been on my mind. So far I have not heard from him at all today and usually I do get at least a good morning text.
I really am telling myself to walk away, I've written it in my journal numerous times. I am listening to you all too and I know you guys are right. My intuition has been telling me this too for a long time.
Just gotta figure out how to make the rest of my mind (heart) understand and do what needs to be done. And for goodness sake I have to STOP going back and forth!!
Like a dummy I have not been taking my meds regularly so I think that is making this harder on me, lots of anxiety and the weepies just under the surface. So I know this is bad for me.
I do so bad with relationships when they end...my therapist even said so, she said specifically when it involves sex. The two times I have had a severe breakdown, with hospitalization, involved breakups. So yeah, I'm kind of scared.

[Trippin2.0]

My bf and I both are pretty last minute scheduling type of people.


Him, because his schedule is erratic work wise and he doesn't like to plan activities a week or more in advance. He's a more spontaneous type.


Me, mostly my moods and mindset dictate alot of what I'm willing to do, when and with whom, so I don't let you know until the night before, or even on the day, unless I really have no choice.


I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe he's just not the right guy for you, but it doesn't mean he's not the Mr Right now guy, or that there's something inherently wrong with him.


There's a lyric that used to help me keep perspective when I wasn't sure if I was over analyzing or nit picking or over thinking in my relationship...


"The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realize, two out of three ain't bad...."


If he's not the right fit for you, not even the Mr Right Now, then by all means walk away before you get even more invested, but my advice is to try and talk it over and see if you two can't seem to come to some kind of understanding first.

Communication is key, and you e taken the first step with your email.

Good luck with whatever your future holds, relationships are no walk in the park, neither is ending them, no matter the circumstance.

[divine1966]

Letting me know Friday night that he can't meet on Sunday would be ok if he has young children and has to be with them all day as his baby sitter cancelled or children got sick or he broke his leg. Routinely telling me things the last minute will not work for me. I am too busy. It doesn't mean it's not ok for others, for me it wouldn't. It doesn't suit my life style.

If you decide to end it please find a distraction and something to be busy with for few days . It will pass. Hang in there. Post on here for distraction. Be strong. Sending you hugs

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[fairydustgirl]

hey guys!
so, I have decided to end things. the communication never got any better. I think I emailed him maybe 4 times total, he never replied to any of them. we talked on the ph a total of 4 times in almost 4 months, and basically text messages. I didn't see him but maybe every 3 weeks or so since the end of March which is not a lot. I have really let him have the reins on this and now I feel pretty dumb about my own behavior. anyway, I have tried REALLY hard not to be pushy or any of that, I have been very light for the most part. So, he texts me yesterday about his cat and possibly needing to put it down...so I offered to come up and be with him if that happened, after how he described having to put his dog down a few months ago...I am a caring person in general and will help a friend. His reply? I was making it worse, he didn't want to be rude, but I was too pushy. I just said, fine, I'll shut up. he said thanks, I said no problem, done. and that was the last I have heard from him. and I don't really expect to hear anything else.

basically, this was strictly a sexual relationship. I did try to share my life with him a bit but he never reciprocated. I can't even call it a friends with benefits because we were not FRIENDS. honestly...if a person has to ask another person if they like them after 3 months, there is something wrong. I should not have even had to wonder that. even though he said nice things in reply to the question. I don't believe they were true. Like I mentioned before, I have had long distance relationships and they were very close despite the distance. this guy, he's a very cold fish, I even titled a journal entry 'he is as warm as a popsicle' about a month ago. I shared some troubles I was having that were stressing me and he never even replied or mentioned that he had read the email. the clincher. I saw him a week ago, we were planning to do an activity that was something I had never done and was very unsure about. and I found myself driving to see him and almost in tears, I was afraid of him. I almost turned around and went home. but I didn't, I took a quarter of klonopin to ease my anxiety and went on. the visit went ok, I didn't have any reason to be afraid after all. in fact I had the mistaken impression that he liked me more..apparently I was wrong.
so anyway...I am done. I read over my journal notes from the past few months and I have been all over the place, up and down. which is NOT a good thing for my bipolar. I had managed to be stable for over a year so this has not been a good thing for me. he is not good for me.
I feel stupid for letting this go on for so long, I am embarassed by the activities I engaged in because they were so not who I am. I was going along with things he wanted to do or for me to do. I'm pretty game for experimenting..but I realize I need the emotional connection for this all to be ok. otherwise I feel like he saw me as an 'escort' of sorts. that is embarassing. because I'm a retired stay at home mom, middle aged middle class woman who was married just shy of 30 yrs. this person I have been these past few months, are not me. course I am in the process of trying to figure out who I am now that I am not the other things I was for all those years.
yes I am in therapy, have been since 06 when I first got sick. I've been out of touch though because of insurance issues. I need to remedy that, ph calls to make tomorrow.

the worst part? I cut things off in April for a week because of the lack of communication but contacted him and asked to try again and we did. what I have realized...I found a man who was JUST like my ex husband, I didn't even find him, he contacted me on the website. He had the same myers brigg personality ESTJ, he was a cop just like my ex was when I met him, we were long distance, just the same as what had happened in my marriage ( my ex H was working in another state for over 5 years) and part of why I ended it, and sex was very impersonal with my ex H, I felt like I could have been anyone in the bed...and that is really how it was with this guy.
So basically I stuck it out so long because it was familiar, even though it was hurtful. I was disconnected with my exH and never made a connection with the new guy. wow, amazing what being with someone who is covertly abusive for 34 years can do to a person.
I try to not think I am damaged..I prefer scratched and dented with a bag in the trunk.
BUT...being diagnosed with a mental illness 10 years ago and living with a person who made it worse, I guess I am somewhat damaged. at least I am not ok. the title of my favorite band's most popular song...I"m Not Okay.

time to see my T and get some perspective on all of this.

I sort of laugh to myself in a way (tears under the surface though), I have said to myself "use your powers of dismissive avoidant attachment traits and cut this guy off" and that is just what I am going to do. I seem pretty good at it. and for some reason, with this guy I was going to try not to do the cut and run like I usually do, but face things. wrong guy!

Anyway, very long post, but I think I am all right. I do have some distractions, I have my pets, and I am planning a trip for the week of the 4th to go see a friend that I've talked to for over 2 years but not met in person. so that is something to look forward to.

thanks everyone for your input and insight. I knew the truth, my gut had been telling me to go, I just was ignoring it cause he was 'cute'. fed my ego to be with a guy 11 years younger who told me I was sexy. I was dumb, gullible, vulnerable and dare I say...horny?

[divine1966]

Good for you. You have a lot of insight. We often go for wrong people because its familiar and it's all we know. Smart move to dump him. It will get better and yes do see a therapist. Hugs

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[fairydustgirl]

so despite my part of ending things which was basically I wasn't going to contact him, I did hear from him. and he was pretty nice about it but apparently this was a mutual ending. he called me a great friend and a good person and the time we spent together was incredible. he felt like he needed to spend time figuring himself out. we were cordial and amicable. talk about mixed signals though...I told him I was sorry for his loss (the cat) and would pray for his heart to heal...he sends me a kissy emoji and prayer hands. another reply from him and I told him I wouldn't close the door and he was welcome to speak to me if he came to a point where he wished to do so. and take care. his reply. You too beautiful. I'm like, what the hell??? you're telling me you don't want to date me, you want to be alone, but you still send things like that to me?

I know I put way too much of myself and too much trust in this guy. In no way did he really deserve it, only because I am that person who does for others and looks for the good in others until they prove otherwise. well...he has proven otherwise. he asked me to trust him before that last time I saw him, and I ended up doing that even though I was afraid...and I now feel betrayed for it. I was pretty angry before, on Saturday, but even more so now. I stayed classy, didn't burn any bridges. I wasn't snarky or anything. though GOD knows I wanted to say SO many things. I'm not crying in my soup, I am tearful...but I know, that sadness about this is normal, I put effort into it and he put none into it. I have sat back and tried to list all the good things I thought about him and to be honest, the bad list is longer than the good list. and still...because I have a good and tender heart, it makes my heart hurt. some people...they just don't make a lot of sense. and this is one of them. oh well. I don't see my therapist til the 11th, I'd hoped to see her sooner but I am going out of town next week so. I will take my meds, take my dogs out, play with my grandson, maybe go shop with a gf (need to save money), go buy some ice cream and sit by the fountain downtown and watch the water. play some really loud music and not the sad songs!
The truth...I have been through some VERY traumatic events and breakups before and this has been much more like a bump in the road. So I have some high hopes that this too shall pass and I will feel better. sooner than later I hope!

Thank you all for listening to me, I appreciate you all.

I'm glad you parted with him. That's funny he comes in right after to say it's mutual. Maybe being dumped hurt his ego lol

[fairydustgirl]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

I'm glad you parted with him. That's funny he comes in right after to say it's mutual. Maybe being dumped hurt his ego lol

He didn't actually say it, I had decided it after the conversation we had, had on Saturday and made up my mind I was not going to contact him anymore. I didn't expect to hear from him either. I just wasn't going to announce it, I was going to 'ghost' I guess it's called. But yeah, I figure this is why he's 42 and never married, still lives with his parents...as soon as someone starts to feel too close he bails. Normal people who lose a pet or whatever that makes them emotional usually want a friend or someone who cares about them to give them moral support or whatever and that was all I had offered. and suddenly I was being pushy.

I'm not too upset, I figure, I had some good sex that I hadn't had in years, it was fun while it lasted and on to new adventures.

I will admit to journaling eff to the eff to effty eff about it on Saturday though LOL

[fairydustgirl]

ok...gotta admit, it's brought me down off and on the last few days...guess I cared about him more than I thought I did. I didn't answer the ph the last two days because I just was not up to talking about it to my gf. I visited with her this afternoon though and got some of it out so I feel better for now. Also I have taken my dogs to the park both days, just went and got a cupcake from a new cupcake bakery. I seriously hate break ups. Even if I did have my doubts about it working out. I am trying to keep up the distractions!

[divine1966]

Break ups sucks but most of the time they are for the best. You are doing great. Hugs

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[fairydustgirl]

today...I'm not doing so good. I just sat and had an ugly cry..which makes me mad at myself...but my heart just hurts. you know what really makes me so upset? he asked me specifically to trust him and I did, I put my faith and trust in him...I had no reason to think he would end things just a few days later. I had the feeling that things were moving forward. A friend of mine told me last night that I'm not gullible..I look for the good in people and I put my trust in them until they show me they don't deserve it...instead of the other way around. he says it's better to be the way I am, but damn, it sure hurts when the other person proves to be untrustworthy.
I know I will be ok, this too will pass. I thought I was doing ok though...it just sort of hit me today for some reason. I want to send him a message so badly...but I won't, I am writing everything in my journal instead. I have been through MUCH harder times than this and made it through the other side. I do have to watch myself...and I am. because I had that vague whisper of not wanting to be here. but really...it is really a notion of wanting to be in a fantasy place, not sitting here in this apt alone with just my dogs for company. I'm not going to be alone this afternoon, I'm running errands with a friend. not to worry...I know when to ask for help.
thanks for listening.

[fairydustgirl]

I spent the day with my gf and she helped bring my mood back to a more level place.
There's actually been a lot of different things going on in my life the last two months that have been stressful and disappointing as well. I guess I was just primed for having one of those days, we can all be strong for just so long sometimes.

[divine1966]

Hang in there, sending you hugs

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