[coconutshake425]

Hi. Brand new to these forums. I am a 28 year old woman, married. My mother died in 2007 from cancer, after 35 years married to my dad. My father met and remarried 2 years after she passed, to a lovely woman, at least I thought she was...

I'm posting about this here under a degree of anonymity and to hear objective viewpoints.

My dad and I have not had as close of a relationship since he remarried. I made sure to step back and not appear 'intrusive' in his new life. Plus, I have my own life. About a year ago, my dad told me that they weren't going to be having Christmas because him and his wife were having real difficulties. I extended my apologies and stayed out of it.

A couple of months later, I received an email that stated my mother was an evil ***** and I needed to get myself and my sisters paternity tested because we might not be his children. WHAAAT?!? I thought he had a stroke or something and was having irrational thoughts. I emailed his wife and asked if everything was ok. She wrote to me that things were fine and that I have the obligation to discuss this important issue with my dad. She said we were the skeletons in her marriage and she wanted them gone. I forwarded his email to my grandma, uncle, etc. and they were very upset with him for even making that suggestion. They even speculated that this sudden bomb must have come from her.

Since then, he has told me to take down any pictures of my mother in MY house because it was disrespectful to his wife. My little sister, who is autistic and living in a group home, had pictures of my mom taken from her and she said it was his wife who took them. I've called him and she sits right next to him, monitoring his conversation with me as he makes one disparaging remark after another about my mom.

I don't want to blame her, but suggesting a paternity test and this sudden contempt for my mom came out of nowhere and I'm heartbroken over it.

What are everyone's views on this situation? What is my role? How do I move forward? It hurts me tremendously and I hate thinking about it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello coconutshake425: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you have been thrust into this most distressing situation. I have to write, in all honesty, I don't have any idea what's going on here. To me this just simply sounds bizarre. But, then, I no longer have any extended family. So perhaps I'm simply insolated from reality.

The unfortunate reality here is, it seems to me, there is nothing you can really do to have a positive impact on this situation. Your father & his wife are adults many times over, so to speak. So they have the right to do what they want in their own lives. What they do not have the right to do is to intrude on yours (or your sister's for that matter.)

I'm afraid the only thing you may be able to do is to distance yourself from them. You can attempt to establish some boundaries with them by letting them know clearly what you will & won't tolerate. But, from what you wrote, I would tend to doubt this is going to be effective. And, assuming that it's not, then the unfortunate alternative may simply be to walk away, so to speak. (There is a family therapist by the name of Kati Morton who uploads mental health related videos onto her YouTube channel. Kati has done a couple of videos recently on establishing & enforcing boundaries & dealing with difficult people. You might find what Kati had to say in those videos helpful.)

By the way, I'm surprised the staff at the group home your sister lives in would allow your father's mother to take your sister's pictures. She had no right to do that from any perspective whatsoever. If it were me, I would be in touch with that group home's owner & let them know that in no way are they to allow that to happen again. (Perhaps you might be able to replace some of what your sister lost?) And assuming there is a vulnerable adult protection agency where you live, I would be reporting it to them. From my perspective (as a former professional in the field) that was simply outrageous.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Bill3]

Do you have the opportunity to speak with him, in person, alone?

If so, that could help you determine if he has suffered an illness that affected his thought processes, if he has been brainwashed/unduly influenced by his new wife, or if these outrageous statements and proposals are actually his own.

In the meantime, do not accede to any of these outrageous and unacceptable demands.

She said we were the skeletons in her marriage and she wanted them gone.

Does your father have a financial net worth that might be attractive to someone such that they might attempt to have him change his will?

[coconutshake425]

I am GRATEFUL for these responses!! I think what I was seeking was "How can I negate the effects of what is going on, so it doesn't continue?" It is relieving to feel that maybe there isn't anything can do about it. I think distancing myself is my best bet, because quite frankly, I don't want this toxic energy within 100 miles of me. It hurts, but I need to protect myself and my own family from this negative, toxic energy.

He and his wife informed me that I "owe" them a conversation about a paternity test. I have no desire to discuss this with them. I've been stabbed in the heart and am at the point where I feel like my dad hates my very existence. Almost to where he wishes he did not have a life prior to his current wife.

Bill3, as far as his net worth, I have no idea of his net worth. Wouldn't surprise me if it sweetened the pot!

[Bill3]

You absolutely do not owe them a discussion about a paternity test.

I think that a significant part of the incredible pain you are experiencing is the suggestion that years of family life mean nothing. It seems that all that matters now to him, or them, is genetics.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. I agree that you cannot get them to stop what they are doing, and that distancing yourself is a healthy option under the circumstances.

[Trippin2.0]

I agree, the whole thing is bizarre and if I were in your shoes I would back away... Far far away.


If it were me, I wouldn't care about an inheritance and let them just stew in their own toxicity.


Whatever your mother may or may not have done before she passed is not yours to own or to "discuss".


If they are having marital problems its their problem, and I don't see how confirming your paternity will fix anything for a woman who had, and still has absolutely NOTHING to do with your conception!


I would not get involved, at all.


Sounds like one sick mess.