[Artchic528]

I just went on a first date with a guy and want to see him again. How do I not scare him off with being too forward or rush into things too quickly? I can't stop thinking about him and wanting to be with him. Of course, being intimate is coming to mind, but we haven't talked about sex or the like yet. I think that is good because I want to build a good solid foundation first. I want this to turn into a lasting relationship. How do I progress without coming on to strong and freaking him out?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Well since he asked you to pay for your own meal, I'm kind of getting the drift that he may only be looking for friends. I've never had one guy ask me to do that ever. Maybe you guys should go out a few more times first before you start thinking about intimacy etc. If you're afraid to come on too strong, stick to neutral subjects and let him come around. I know you want to be in a relationship but just take it slow. It will pay off in the long run.

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[divine1966]

Wait for him to initiate next steps. Call or text or ask you out. That's all you could do really. If he is interested he'll be asking you out

Same as previous poster, I have met many men in my life but no one ever asked me to pay on a first date. I offered myself but never them. I am not sure if it means he wants friendship or perhaps he is unemployed. Don't know.

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[Artchic528]

He has a job, and works at it 4 or so days a week. I really didn't see a problem in paying for my dinner as I'm a modern girl and don't feel a guy should have to pay for everything for me. I don't think guys are made of money or something.

Do you think I should ask him straight up what he is looking for from the dating site? A friendship or a relationship? It was my plan to ask him on the date but I forgot to bring it up.

[divine1966]

No I wouldnt ask yet. I'll wait for him to contact you and ask for a second date. After few dates you will either know where it's going or could ask. Just wait for him to call.

Oh I don't think guys need to always pay at all. I see no problem with women paying or splitting. Of course modern women should contribute equally. I offered to pay and paid plenty. It's just unusual that the guy "asked" you to pay on a first date. I've never had guy asked that.



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[Artchic528]

Yeah, I would normally wait until he contacted me, but past experience tells me he waits for at least a week or so until he reaches out to me if I don't make contact first. His profile says he's quite shy at first. I....don't honestly know if I have that much patience in me to wait a week to talk to him again.

[divine1966]

If he is interested, he will not wait a week. It will be sooner. In my experience if a man is interested he would certainly not wait a week, typically it would be the next day. On rare occasion maybe two days if he is shy.

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[Hairball]

I am just curious, most of the dating sites I have seen ask the person if this is for friendship, long term relationship, marriage minded.

Did he mention any of those in his profile?

[Artchic528]

Yes, he mentioned he's looking for both long and short term dating, and friendship.

[seesaw]

Artchic, I have read many of your threads about meeting with these men you meet online, and it seems to me that after you meet them you fixate on them and think of nothing else but them. You ask how do you not come on too strong, and I think you need to control your expectations, not allow yourself to fantasize about outcomes with someone you don't really know just yet, and occupy yourself with the things that make you happy instead of staying up late focused on a person you don't really know.

Being busy and having other things to do will actually make you more attractive to the prospective mate. You need to bring your own happiness to a relationship and not expect someone else to fill a hole in your life.

I'm also a little wary that he asked you to pay for your own dinner, but I don't know that it means anything.

Good luck.
Seesaw

[TishaBuv]

I'm glad others have the same take as I do about the paying for dinner scenario.

Here's my thoughts on it, correct me if this is out of fashion today:

If you ask him out, you offer to pay the whole check. He may insist on paying anyway.
If he asks you out, he pays the whole check. You can offer to pay half.

I never offered to pay half when I was asked out. Instead by the third date and beyond, I reciprocated by cooking meals, taking them places, buying gifts, etc...

If you start right away with splitting everything 50/50, the whole relationship becomes like that. When both of you make the same money, maybe that's a fair way to do it, but it makes the whole relationship dynamic more like friends to me.

When I was dating, I was not earning much money. When I dated men who earned a lot, they took me out and picked up the check. When I dated men who earned little, they took me out and we spent very little, if any money, and they picked up the check.

[divine1966]

It's ok to split the bill. I don't think it looks good though that he actually asked for it. I'd feel weird about it.

But for now I'd just wait and see when he calls and what he does next. On a meanwhile I wouldn't stop my search

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[Bill3]

A way to freak him out is to pursue him vigorously.

A way not to freak him out is to leave him alone and see what if anything develops.

Another way to freak him out is to try to pin him down right away on what he is looking for. How can he know what he looking for with regard to you when he has only met you once?

A way not to freak him out is to just let the relationship develop or not develop naturally, and not try to define it before it can be defined.

[TishaBuv]

I watched an episode of the Millionaire Matchmaker last night. Patty Stanger had a client who she called a cliff diver. She rushed into relationships too soon before she knew enough about the guys. I'm also guilty of doing this. So do you.

I agree with what everyone else on this thread said.

I say leave the ball in his court to make the next move. Take time to really get to know him before assuming he's as great as your first impression of him has been. And keep your options open. Don't stop looking in new directions until you really are in a committed relationship.

Also, what I really like that is a rule from the Millionaire Matchmaker is - no sex until you are in a committed relationship.

[divine1966]

Yup. No sex at least first few months of regular dating

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[seesaw]

Well, I disagree on the sex thing. I agree you can wait until it's an exclusive relationship, but I don't think that has to be a few months.

[divine1966]

It is just a suggestion for people who tend to move too fast and settle with wrong partners. It's important to build true friendship and emotional connection and wait to get to truly know the person first- and it usually takes few months. It's not a requirement but suggestion based on my long life experience



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[scorpiosis37]

I agree with others. Let him reach out to you. If he is interested, you will hear from him shortly. If not, you won't-- and you contacting him won't change that.

It definitely goes against custom for him not to at least offer to pay on the first date. Honestly, if a guy says "hey, let's split it" on a first date I would think he is either cheap, rude, or uninterested. I date women so I realize I'm in a different position, but I always offer to pay on the first date. Usually, she offers also-- and whoever insists more usually ends up paying. And we typically take turns paying if there are more dates in the future. It's not about the money so much as the request-- I would be a little offended if someone asked me to split the bill on a first date. But if it didn't bother you, I suppose it's fine.

[LadyShadow]

As the other posters said it will be a great idea to wait. And he won't let you wait a week if he is legitimately interested.

Freaking him out would be the following:

-pinning him down to find out what he wants right away without getting to know you first
-hassling him over text or email if you really get impatient
-discussing sex and being intimate with him before the next date (this may not freak him out but may make him think you're easy, I may be completely off with that but it's happened to me before)

The BEST thing you can do is not jump to fast. If he is shy he may want a friendship first. I think that's probably why he asks if you wanted to split the bill. He may just want to start off as friends first but may not necessarily mean he isn't interested. I do find it weird that he asked for you to pay for your half, but he could just be having money issues, hey times are hard!

I really liked what Seesaw said. I have noticed some of your posts primarily in meeting men online. Find something that YOU enjoy and makes YOU feel good. Men like a woman who has things going in her life other than meeting guys. Just food for thought.

I think the most important thing you can do is slow this down. Since this is brand new, I would only maintain contact once perhaps twice a week. Do NOT fall into the trap of waiting around and being available at his beck and call. It is critical you go on with maintaining your life as you did so before you met him.