[Terrible Friend]

Hello everybody, I hope somebody here can help me because I am very upset right now.

I am currently living abroad and working as an intern, where I made a friend that I really ****ed things up with. Bare with me, this is going to be long since some context is required

For the past three years I have been suffering from a condition that is affecting my physical appearance. Apparently it is barely noticeable to others until I show them the affected areas, but my confidence has taken a nose dive, I have lost almost all of my friends and I avoid interacting with others whenever I can because I am terrified of being made fun of. Needless to say, I have not made very many friends in the new country either.

That changed when said person temporarily worked at the same place I did for a couple of days. We talked a bit, asked me if I ever go out, I told him I had no friends here and he immediately gave me his phone number and invited me to have a drink with him some time. We messaged each other for a bit and he kissed me at the end of our first night out.

He leads an extremely stressful life. He works 12 hours a day 6 days a week and spends all of his days off with his child from a previous relationship. Nevertheless we started seeing each other regularly albeit our relationship was never serious. That was fine with me. I did not care that he had little time and I did not care that his kid was more important to him. I appreciated spending time with him whenever he could and tried being as understanding as possible, frequently telling him not to worry and it's okay if he doesn't have time for me.

About 3 weeks in I can only imagine that I must have sounded just a little too passive aggressive while telling him exactly that, because he promptly told me that he does not like the way I talk to him and that we would be better off staying friends. I informed him about the misunderstanding but he stayed adamant, claiming that he does not have time for me and that it costs him too much energy to maintain a relationship. Although I have no feelings for him, I did not expect this to happen without a warning and I was quite hurt by it.

I was initially angry and suggested going separate ways altogether, but he was quite adamant about staying friends. We met, we talked, we sorted out our issues, decided staying friends and became closer than ever. He always made time for me, and only for me, visiting me at midnight after the end of his shift although he was incredibly tired. I told him about my condition and my lack of confidence and social life, and he told me about his worries as well, since he also has a lot going on in his life.

After we talked things through, I was 100% cool with staying friends. I had made a friend I could both talk to and have a good time with, so no need to complain right? The only problem is that he kind of didn't respect the boundaries he set up himself. I never mentioned having a relationship again, but he kept asking me why I wanted to be with him only to explain over and over again that it won't be possible. He put his hand on my thigh. He bit my cheek. On one occasion he tried to take off my pants. He said I absolutely have to call him if I ever come back to his country. He said if I became pregnant I wouldn't have to leave and asked me how many kids I'd like to have with him. It was really, really, really inappropriate.

So I thought hey, maybe he wants to be with me after all but he feels like he can't for some reason even though I understand that he has lots of stress, works a lot etc. So after a month or so I jokingly brought up the issue again in a text conversation. He immediately took it seriously and told me that he only wants to be friends like he's already told me before. I became upset about him being able to treat me as more than friends whenever it was convenient for him, but the same rules not applying to me. He also used phrases like "I don't have time for anybody." And "I want to be alone with my child." which made me feel like I was wasting his time. Big mistake: I childishly asked him why he's even insisting on being friends. Low self-esteem will make you ask that kind of stuff.

The result: He told me again that he does not like the way I talk to him and that we will "talk another day". Some 3 hours later I immediately felt stupid for what I did and send him 4-5 texts over the next few days apologizing for having misinterpreted his behavior and questioned our friendship. About 4 days in I was calm again and sent him a proper apology - that is I told him I understand that I ****ed up by not respecting his boundaries and bringing up the possibility of a romantic relationship, and that I should respect his boundaries now by waiting for his response. I also let him know that I appreciate everything he did for me and that he was a good friend to me.

About a week from the initial argument he texted me back saying that he still considers me his friend although I am "a bit stupid sometimes", that it would be best not to see each other anymore because I get the wrong idea about things and that if I would like to have a friend and feel like I can respect that, I should let him know and maybe we could hang out again. I was really really happy with that outcome, texted him back that that sounds like a good idea since I treated him badly and need to work on myself and my insecurities first. I also asked him if he could maybe introduce me to a nice dude if I ended up moving here, which is something he had previously offered me, and something I mainly added to show that I was 100% ready to move on. The argument we had was not huge but I understood that he was scared of me becoming too close to him in ways that he did not want, so I figured we'd text each other a bit and gradually build up trust again before eventually being back to normal.

What I did not expect was complete and utter silence. I sent him two more messages (One asking something general about the country that I've been wondering about, the other one asking him how he has been. I really wanted to move on from the argument because I was ashamed and blamed myself.) He did not respond at all. I did not get this since he has not told me he would like to be left alone.

Four days later I realized something: He had updated his WhatsApp status with the following message: "It hurts me to read so much stupidity. Love is earned with respect and sincerity, not by ****ing with everybody." This message was added the same day I responded to his text, so I obviously assumed it was about me: He called me stupid just as he stated he has to read a lot of stupidity. He talked about love being earned with respect, but I failed to respect his boundaries and tried to force myself on him. I asked if he could maybe introduce me to somebody, and sure it is a stretch but that could be interpreted as me looking for the next victim.

I decided to ask him about it. I asked if it was about me, asked him if I said something wrong and clarified that I am not ****ing with everybody, I just wanted to accept his offer from before. He became pissed, said it's none of my business what he puts in his status and to leave him alone because he is working.

I later asked him again how he can say these things and claim we are still friends. He texted back calling me incredibly paranoid, claiming the message was about the mother of his child and stating once again the he does not have and does not want any kind of romantic relationship with me. I apologized for the misunderstanding, told him again that I understand we are not in a relationship and said I am hoping to get back in touch with him. I was met by silence.

So at this point I am in full on panic mode. I ****ed up twice within 3 weeks and I want to save the relationship so badly. I have no other friends and nothing to do. All I can think about is the argument. All I want to do is a chance to prove I can be a good friend, one that is nor selfish. But I get no chance because he shuts me out. I understood on a rational level that I had to leave him alone, but my emotions completely took over and I couldn't control myself. So I do the one thing I absolutely should not have done and keep messaging him, trying to get back in touch with him every 3 days or so. Trying a how are you here, an I'm sorry for misunderstanding there, a can't you at least let me know how you're doing and have a normal conversation like before added for good measure.

Keep in mind that I was never clingy with him before. We met once a week, texted twice a week, and there have been plenty of occasions where he wanted to hang out and I said no. I also never sent him any insane stuff like talk to me or I will kill myself. I just sent him so many messages that I came across as a complete lunatic.

One week later he finally opened his mouth and said he'd like to be left alone for a bit, so at least I knew what was up. He also said he might have some time for me next week and he'd tell me. Four days later he put up a new profile picture of him being out with other friends. I said it's nice to see him enjoying himself, I hope he is well and he will be in touch soon. He called me a little annoying but said he would let me know and hang out soon. I said I'd be waiting and really wanted to mean it this time.

Then one week ago I accidentally texted him something I wanted to send to someone else and panicked. I apologized again - 3 times - and nothing ever came back. And I started to get pissed. We used to have such a good relationship and because of two misunderstandings that could have been solved within 5 minutes of talking to each other, he chose to give me the silent treatment for a month even though I do not have much time left in this country. He said we are friends but he neither wants to see me nor talk to me. So I told him that the situation is really tough for me, and that if he really doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, he should just be honest and give it to me straight. Then I sent another message saying "Are you sure we are still friends?" And another one saying "It doesn't mean anything to you." The next morning he blocked me.

That was 6 days ago, and although the friendship meant something to me, I instantly felt better. At least I know what's up now and the constant fear of losing him is gone now that I lost him.

I'm not kidding myself, I ****ed up and it's my fault. He has a lot of stress in his life and he wanted a friend whose company he enjoyed. I dumped my insecurities on him and he does not have the time and/or patience to support that. He told me that he does not have any romantic interest in me and in my panic I became increasingly clingy and emotional. We maybe talked a couple of times but he's a popular guy and he does not need me. He decided I'm not worth the trouble and this is the end. Everything I did the entire month was one gigantic ****up that made everything worse and worse.

I don't have any hopes of saving the friendship because let's be real here, I do not mean as much to him as I would like to think and he's 100% right for blocking me. However, I would like this to end on a more positive note because the last few weeks have been a disaster and I am utterly ashamed of myself. I acted like a needy teenager and caused someone whose friendship I really appreciated even more stress and trouble by not leaving them alone and accusing them of not caring after all they have done for me.

I have to leave the country in two months. So I'm thinking about trying to talk to him just one more time, at least to say thank you.

I understand that I have to leave him alone. He blocked my number for a reason so I have to be respectful. If I do it, I will do it right at the end of my stay. I also understand that I have to get better. I have to use the remaining time to become confident. I have to show him that I was being serious about working on my issues. I can not be weak around him anymore because it will freak him out.

Should I try to speak to him in 2 months or will it make everything worse? I genuinely like him as a person and do not want to cause him any more trouble although I would like to at least part on good terms.

[divine1966]

Honestly if someone doesn't want to speak to you plus blocked you, trying to converse with them come across as harassment. You do need to leave him alone. Saying that he doesn't sound like a positive person to me and appears very unavailable game player, I don't know why you keep pursuing him. Constant texting just doesn't look right. Yes parting on good terms is possible but not when one person continues pursuing the other. Then good terms usually ends. You deserve better than this dude. He is bad news

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[Terrible Friend]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honestly if someone doesn't want to speak to you plus blocked you, trying to converse with them come across as harassment. You do need to leave him alone. Saying that he doesn't sound like a positive person to me and appears very unavailable game player, I don't know why you keep pursuing him. Constant texting just doesn't look right. Yes parting on good terms is possible but not when one person continues pursuing the other. Then good terms usually ends. You deserve better than this dude. He is bad news

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Errr yes, harassment. I sent a handful of messages every 3 days over the course of a little more than 2 weeks to someone who told me we would continue to be on friendly terms. It was stupid and clingy and I should not have done it. It was annoying as ****, I was draining his emotional batteries, I was selfish, I get it. The argument caused me to have anxiety attacks and I texted him way too often. I acted irrationally, and I can understand why he blocked me. I would have done the same.

In no way am I constantly texting or pursuing him.

I am ashamed as **** about what happened because I know what I did was 100% wrong. It was messed up, creepy, insane. I'm not planning to harass him, all I want to do is leave him alone for 2 months, work on my issues and offer him a conversation. If he says no, cool. If he says yes, cool. Friends get mad at each other all the time and ignore each other. Is it harassment to attempt to reach out to them? I don't even expect to repair my friendship with him, I just don't want to leave it at such a catastrophic note.

So yeah, please don't treat me like a stalker. I was being way too needy over the course of the last 3 weeks because I did a lot of childish and stupid things that I wanted to fix as soon as possible, which caused me to do even more childish and stupid things and make things worse. Sometimes his treatment of me is questionable but he is not a bad person and I would not want him to think badly of me. I appreciate what he has done for me and would like to tell him before leaving.

[Bill3]

he doesn't sound like a positive person to me and appears very unavailable game player, I don't know why you keep pursuing him....You deserve better than this dude. He is bad news

I agree with divine.

[divine1966]

Honestly if a person tells you they don't want to see or talk and block you, it is a sure sign that you shouldn't be trying talking to them ( harassment or not but it is just common sense). It is degrading and damaging to your self esteem. I really don't understand your desire to still talk to this man, you should respect yourself more.

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