How to figure out what you want in relationships when your dating life is very limite

divine1966 · Aug 24, 2016, 05:56 PM

I don't think anyone says you are already having sex. People are just suggesting you use protection WHEN you have sex. People with multiple partners easily contract std and then some. Are you against safe sex? You seem to get upset when people suggest you use Condom. Why?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

healingme4me · Aug 24, 2016, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladytiger

When we were talking I was telling him about sorting what I want and don't want. I've been writing on things I don't want this is nothing like monogamy. For me I'm not emotionally available I have been with him.

I mean I don't know how to answer your question

Your response does answer that he's part of the conversation about trying to sort out what it is that you want from relationships. Whether he's influential or a sounding board to what you already had in mind is between you and him.

I'm only biased in the sense that somehow a flag went up for me earlier in your thread with a little worry, one survivor to another, of hoping he's not being exploitive even subtly towards you. I hope you can forgive me for mentioning such concern. And if this is an exciting new phase and direction in your life, chosen by you because of a need to spead your wings in a non traditional way, then I support that of you.

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

ladytiger · Aug 24, 2016, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImmerAllein

Ladytiger,

I can tell you what not to do, from my vast plethora of dating failures !

DON'T set rigid expectations of what you want ! A relationship is way too complex to describe in words, which means that trying to explain to a perfect stranger what you're looking for is a futile pursuit ! It's not like a recipe for cornbread that is a finite unchanging entity. Relationships, expectations, needs, desires, are complex and dynamic !

My suggestion: Go with the flow and see how things unfold. Anytime, you feel forced to do something and your gut tells you no, throw up a red flag. For instance, if you are forced into premature sex, or some behavior of his that hurts you.

That is really the best way to go about it, in my opinion. If you set rigid expectations, you are constantly then, in your mind, checking to see if the relationship matches those expectations. No fun !!! You're not enjoying the relationship. The relationship becomes very restricted and stale.

A healthy relationship, I think, starts off with no set expectations (except maybe some boundaries, like about sex), the partners slowly learn about each other ... habits, likes and dislikes, common interests, etc.

Anytime you're unsure of the relationship, check in with your gut !

Thank you very much. We are taking it slow. I have seen now how people have so much expectations in the beginning of a relationship that it fails all the time.

ImmerAllein · Aug 24, 2016, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladytiger

Thank you very much. We are taking it slow. I have seen now how people have so much expectations in the beginning of a relationship that it fails all the time.

You're very welcome !

Yes, we, as humans, tend to want to label, explain, describe, categorize, analyze, and understand everything. In doing so, we deaden everything in the world ... with our minds !!!

Analysis has its place in our lives, but I think relationships are better served with the other part of the brain. It's not how you think about it, but how you feel about it, that matters. In other words, relationships, are beyond analysis. They are far too divine to be understood by the brain.

Think about it ... the communion of two human beings is a sacred event. The feeling of oneness with that other being goes way beyond anything any of us could write on this forum or read in a Psychology book. Why put all kinds of labels and expectations and needs on the interaction ?! Keep it mysterious, fresh, and open to possibilities ! In the end, if you walk away from the interaction feeling good, that is probably a relationship you should continue with ... simple, right ?

The mind is nowhere in all of this

ladytiger · Aug 25, 2016, 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don't think anyone says you are already having sex. People are just suggesting you use protection WHEN you have sex. People with multiple partners easily contract std and then some. Are you against safe sex? You seem to get upset when people suggest you use Condom. Why?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Not upset I'm for safe sex we talk about it all the time

tiger8 · Aug 26, 2016, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladytiger

You sound so offended. He's 58 doesn't want anymore kids has 2 grown kids why does he need kids and commitment to me? I want zero kids and commitment I want deep meaningful relationships zero monogamy. It's called polyamory geez people go read!

Yes that's what I want been saying that I'm calling myself solo poly.

I don't understand how polyamory is deep at the same time?

Not criticizing, I just don't understand.

The other thing is, deep without commitment, does this mean the assumption that it will get deep because whatever and then it stays deep magically without commitment ensuring it will, or it doesn't have to stay deep?

Or maybe the answer is that some people work in a way emotionally that's different from the people who are not compatible with polyamory? I don't know...

tiger8 · Aug 26, 2016, 05:26 PM

This topic got me thinking more... really not criticism btw.

I do know a girl who lived in a sexually open relationship. It was a deep relationship with commitment. Not polyamory, just sexually open. I kinda understood how it can work for them because she explained how emotionally they consciously keep a meaningful commitment and exclusivity even while with someone else. This basically meant boundaries, some things were not to be done or to be felt with the sex partners. This worked well for them.

This polyamory concept for a deep relationship really does go over my head however. I can imagine someone loving many people on a superficial level. I can see that as polyamory. But on a deep level too? That is what does not compute for me. So it either doesn't work at all or it does work for people who somehow work differently emotionally. Hmm...

Menu

How to figure out what you want in relationships when your dating life is very limite

My Support Forums