[yagr]

Tiger8 recently began a thread entitled 'Emotional Compatibility' that coalesced some long standing thoughts I often have. I'm beginning a new thread because frankly, I think I may go off on too great a tangent and don't want to hijack that thread. Thanks tiger8 for being the inspiration for this thread; the disjointed thoughts have been taken up too much space in my head for too long.

When I think of compatibility between partners, I typically include four aspects: Sexual compatibility, emotional compatibility, intellectual compatibility and spiritual compatibility. I found this informative article on the web: https://pairedlife.com/dating/The-Fi...-Compatibility which lists a fifth aspect as financial compatibility. As money matters are, arguably, the number one source of friction between couples, I can't argue with its inclusion.

From the article: “If he thinks sex once a week is fine and she thinks anything less than daily intercourse is neglectful, there’s going to be a problem eventually.” Now I can see this becoming an issue in a relationship, but I can also see it as a non-issue. My wife and I share a pretty horrible history of childhood sexual abuse. I have done a great deal of work on this particular issue and have come to a place where I can enjoy a healthy sex life. My wife has had other priorities in her search for healing from childhood wounds and hasn't gotten to this one yet. In fact, I don't have any expectations that she will ever get to this issue. The result is that we do not have a sex life.

Nevertheless, I would have to say that we are sexually compatible. For me, sex is much more than a physical act. It is a physical expression of love – an emotion. One cannot express love by pushing someone into a corner where they do not feel safe or secure and end up leaving the room via dissociation. Since I love her more than I like sex, I don't want to have sex with her until she is ready. Since she doesn't want sex, and I don't want to hurt her (which sex would do), then I don't want to have sex. Ta-da, sexual compatibility!

Next comes emotional compatibility. Again, from the article: “Warning signs of emotional incompatibility can be seen when couples find themselves verbally negotiating what, when, and how to do things instead of simply finding themselves in agreement.” Last night my wife and I went out to dinner at a casino and each took twenty dollars to the slot machines. I made the mistake of winning and so we had more resources to play with and stayed later than we normally would have. On the way home she fell asleep in the car. When we got home and as I was putting her to bed, I asked her why she didn't tell me that she was that tired. Her response, “You were having so much fun that it was more important to me to see you continue to have fun than it was to get some sleep.”

Negotiation is fine, as is agreement. I think the problem arises when on the list of “What I want” you find that 'my partners joy' is not at, or close to, the top of the list. When one's partner's joy is that important to each of the people in a relationship, you are emotionally compatible.

On to intellectual compatibility. Nothing excites me quite as much as an idea and I have been known to lock myself in a room with a coffee pot and a blackboard and not come out for days at a time when an idea strikes me. Okay, I don't actually lock myself in a room but I am ridiculously focused on whatever problem I am trying to solve and literally days will go by without me having any knowledge of the fact. If it helps explain it some, I have Asperger's along with degrees in mathematics and physics.

My wife couldn't care less about whatever it is that I am working on, but she couldn't care more about me. So, sandwiches miraculously appear on my desk and somehow my coffee cup rarely gets empty during these times. When I return to the real world, she listens indulgently about this new application for photochromatic manipulation using far red (730nm) light until, despite her engaging smile and appropriate questions, I notice her eyes glazing over and blood running out her ears. On the other hand, my wife can talk about her horse, other peoples horses, tack, arenas, round pens, training methods, what Buck or Monty Roberts or Stacy Westfall said until she passes out from sheer exhaustion as I sit there with an engaging smile and appropriate questions with little pieces of toilet paper in my ears to absorb the blood before she notices and stops talking. We enjoy giving back to each other and frankly, both feel a little sheepish when we realize how long we've held the other one hostage.

Next up – spiritual compatibility. We don't have the same spiritual beliefs. What is the same is our mutual respect for each other and our respective beliefs. That is more than enough.

Financial compatibility: We couldn't be more different in this aspect. My wife engages in retail therapy regularly while I'm more of a saver. Don't get me wrong, I can spend money with the best of them, but if I want to buy a car, for instance, I'm all about saving and can put together the money in a remarkably short time. My wife sees the money just sitting there and feels it is her obligation to buy a new saddle because, of course, that has to do with transportation too.

Saving for a vacation, or a car, or a down payment on a house is pretty much impossible around here. At the end of the day though – so what? People are more important than things – and she is the most important person in my world. I'd rather be home with her than on vacation with anyone else; driving my old beater with her in the passenger seat than driving a Maserati with anyone else; living in a cardboard box under a bridge with her than in a mansion without her – so really, how important is it?

So I guess this is a long winded way (as is my way) of saying that when there is no greater happiness for a person than seeing their partner happy – the couple is compatible.

[leomama]

I really appreciate this post.

My only experience with marriage was a bad one, we were not sexually or financially or intellectually compatible, the latter two were striking to others, and of course people didn't know about our sexual life. The people I ask for help with it (he was sexually abusive within the marriage) told me it was too late, I married him, he was my problem now. The ironic thing is they were there the whole way, and were not looking out for me, but I digress. Today my friends say I married too young, but I had a different set of "friends" back then.

In terms of the intellectual compatibility it is difficult to and does not feel safe to talk about. Perhaps at some point when I'm feeling a little stronger and less vulnerable to other people's criticism and attacks I can talk about that.

Its funny I can't even look at the picture on that article without getting triggered.

My ex husband and I did have a child and he has pretty much abandoned her except for paying court ordered chid support and taking her clothes shopping, which does not make for a relationship. My daughter started having older boyfriends when she was in 8th grade, and they have gotten progressively older. It is obvious to the unaided eye she is searching for a father figure and there is nothing I can do as a mother to meet that need, however I digress again so I'll stop here.

Thank you for your post.

[divine1966]

My ex husband and I were not compatible at all. Just very different people. We are only compatible as partners hence we did good job co parenting, other than that zero compatibility. But we had no clue it's even important. It's in fact the most important thing: compatibility.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Unrigged64072835]

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so glad that after all these years I'm now married to someone who I'm more compatible with.

[Trippin2.0]

Thank you yagr!


It's so nice to see in plain print why my relationship is working so well.


Especially since my BPD brain likes to sometimes try and convince me its not or wont be working for much longer.


Like its a fluke or something.


I should print your OP and add it to my evidence box