Spouse's angry outbursts/temper

It's difficult for me to write the following, I can write anything here about myself and my own stuff but I'm very reticent to write about my family, particularly my husband. I feel very protective and it feels intensely personal I want to start by balancing this out and saying I love him dearly, we have been together 20+ years but there has been one enduring issue in our relationship which has caused me concern and upset and that is his proneness to losing his temper.

Mostly the temper outburst have been unleashed upon me, although I have seen it unleashed on strangers who have annoyed him, which I find awkward, embarrassing and scary at the same time (also bewildering as it can be out of proportion). But as I say most often it is unleashed upon me, like for example today - I came home from work, was going through my emails and decided to share with him an email I had received from the place where I volunteer. He lost it with me "I don't b****y care about that place". Okay, message received loud and clear. I get that my talking about the subject annoyed him. So I removed myself from the situation, kept calm, distracted myself with something else. Later he came into the room and said "Okay, tell me about it if you want to" to which I replied "No I don't want to, I only want to talk to you if you are interested but it seems you aren't, I don't want to talk just for the sake of talking." Honestly if I'd realised how bored/irritated he was with the subject I would have kept my mouth shut in the first place. The trouble is it goes from 0 to 60 as quick as a flash, I just don't see it coming until it's upon me.

Later on he's nice as anything, like nothing happened, but I'm still feeling wary. It's like he needs to explode every now and again, but I'm never quite sure when it's going to be or what it's going to be over (and sometimes it's beyond my control, like I say it can even be the actions of a stranger). It's like Jeckyll and Hyde, but to be fair he is the nice loving man much more than the angry person who snaps angrily at people.

I am aware that in my childhood my father was the same, loving, affectionate, caring dad but with a quick temper that scared us kids. This is possibly sexist of me but I wonder if it's a trait of maleness to be like that, or just that I have in true psych style been subconsciously attracted to a man like my father.

I don't like conflict, although I have learned techniques over my lifetime to cope with it, disengaging, keeping boundaries etc. Sometimes when he loses it with me I can quietly disengage, other times (especially if I'm feeling tired and sensitive) I can react with tears which I know does not help the situation. I am quite a sensitive person generally though.

Thoughts? Anyone else have experience of someone they love who has a quick temper? Input would be appreciated thanks.

What it seems like to me first off with the subject at hand is that in his outbursts he says things that are not entirely accurate to how he really feels. When he came to you later to say that he wanted to know what you were trying ot talk to him about it alludes to the idea that what he meant to say when he was irritated was that he didn't really want to hear about anything right then. but it came out "I don't care about that place..." in reality it was more "at the moment I don't want to hear about it." But I understand, if he doesn't communicate this clearly it's hard to see this even when he is calm.

What I'm getting at is that your h seems to have a communication problem in that I think he should be able to tell you that "hey I'm in a rotten mood and everything's irritating me right now." You can't make him do that, of course, but I'm speaking from this vantage point and saying that this is what I think needs to happen. I think at least for me if someone is honest with me and says "I'm irritable, angry or otherwise unapproachable at the moment" I can accept that.

On your end I think first off, I commend you on being able ot walk away and not escalate the situation. That's a good first step. Try to take what he says in anger with a grain of salt. For you, I think it might help if you try to understand that he is probably lashing out and it has nothing to do with you or even the subject you bring up. It's probably something entirely separate from those things. keep that in mind so it doesn't sting so much.

in calm times, I would approach him aobut it and see if he would be willing to attend some kind of counseling or class on communication in the relationship.

Just want to say that you aren't alone. My husband has a temper too
Sometimes I don't blame him in certain circumstances but he needs to control it. A lot of times he takes it out on me. Wish you luck

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I know exactly what you're talking about. I could have written this myself, except the angry person is a brother whom I live with, & may actually express anger more often than your husband. Although, I imagine the dynamics are different with a spouse rather than a sibling. Not knowing what to expect does make it hard to approach him & there's the whole walking on eggshells scenario. Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice, I've just employed some of the same techniques you've described, & I try not to take it so personally. Much easier said than done.
But unlike you, I have an easy solution... I will be moving out soon & will at least not have to live with it any longer. I do worry for his sake out in the world where it has managed to seep a few times, but I'm currently too afraid to even try to address any of this with him. Maybe once I move out.

If he just blows steam, and he doesn't get abusive, it's not that bad. I do think it's testosterone and a male thing. I know a certain man who never blows up, instead taking it out in passive aggressive ways later.

You are very nice and loving to be so protective about saying anything to blast him. I'm going to try to be better like that.

I don't think it's maleness. It just how some people are of any gender.

I am a loving person but I have quick temper at times. I feel bad about it and do try to improve. What your husband said to you about "not wanting to listen about f... place" sounds like something I would say. I almost felt embarrassed reading recognizing it.

I talked to my t about it and she says as long as it doesn't last and I acknowledge it, it isn't a big deal. I don't know. My husband is very mild mannered and never says one bad thing, I feel guilty ever losing my temper with him over nothing ( this morning I raised my voice about phone charger that my husband supposedly misplaced: it was actually me who misplaced it).

My daughter is just like me or actually worse and she is also married to mild mannered man. My dad has awful temper and my mom is mild mannered .

I think you did a great job telling him that you don't want to tell him if he isn't interested. No need to let him treat you like that. I do know he doesn't do it on purpose or because he is a bad person at all. I know I am a good person yet have quick temper

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I think the root of your husbands anger comes from within. I would try to talk to him about therapy. It's not fair to you that you have to be the one he takes it out on or embarrasses you in public. I also have a very hellish temper but I'm BP and I get it when I'm in a mixed state.

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Thanks S4nd, I think you've hit on some good points there. Although I may have not described very well his demeanour when he came to me later and said I could talk about the email, he said the words but his facial expression and posture told me he really didn't want to hear it he was just humouring me. That's why I chose not to talk about it.

I do think you are right that he isn't communicating, hence the outbursts. I do know he 'bottles up' quite a bit, and I think this is the source of explosions. Hence it seemingly coming from nowhere.

Thanks, you're right about the grain of salt, I can do that more than I used to. When we were first married I had a small mishap while decorating and caused some minor damage to a window frame, he really lost it with me and told me how stupid I was, how the marriage was over, etc. I really believed him, I felt devastated, yet years later when I recalled the story he laughed and said he was just in a bad temper and I should have paid no attention. I was very young back then and took everything he said seriously, the good thing about getting older is that I have learned to take that grain of salt. Wish I didn't have to though, it still feels unpleasant and I still feel that stress response inside me - I have to work to over ride it.

In calm times we have talked about this issue, but he is very reticent to open up, he generally deflects it with humour. He really doesn't like talking about his feelings - and another thing I've noticed is that he really finds it hard to accept compliments and gratitude for the good things he has done. I'm a believer in affirmations, and I try to acknowledge the positives in all my relationships, but he looks almost pained when I thank him for the good stuff he does.

There is no way he would consider counselling either couples or on his own, I had therapy a few years back but he would not come along. I talked about some of these issues with the T, she encouraged me to call him out on his behaviour which I do have the confidence to do these days - it's an improvement, I just used to soak it all up and go and cry to myself before this.

Yes, there are times when I think my H has a point too, for instance when I had depression he was very frustrated with me - understandably, I was 'hard work' and he didn't know what to do. But angry outbursts don't ever help do they, they say sticks and stones break bones but names won't hurt me - that's not true sadly.

to you too. It helps to know I'm not alone but I hope things will improve for us both.

I'm sorry you have to cope with that YT, yes I know the eggshells thing very well. In some ways I find after an explosion is better with my H because I know things will be calm for a while. What I find unnerving is the little sparks that often precede a full blown 'blam'.

Thanks for you input, I too worry even when H is not with me that he may 'lose it' with someone. In some ways it's worse when he loses it with a stranger because I have absolutely no control over the situation, whereas if it's just me and him I do at least have control over one half (plus I know him better and give him leeway).

It's only once become physical, and that was over 20 years ago, he scared himself so much he never hit me again. So yes, it's not as bad as out and out abuse.

I do agree passive aggression can be just as bad, both that and direct anger blow ups can damage trust over time.

It's easy to be loving because there is actually so much to love about him, the majority of the time he's a lovely man and I make sure he knows this.

A lot of your posts about not being able to communicate with your H really resonate with me, it can be so hard sometimes.

I am so impressed with how you 'own' this, that takes a lot of honesty and strength.

Acknowledging it, I agree with your T is very important, a few times my H has and it does help me deal with it.

When I have been overly harsh (with words) with my son (mostly when he was younger) I have felt terrible and always let him know afterwards that it was not his fault and apologise for being so hard on him. It's all we can do.

Thanks Divine, that really helped, particularly the last paragraph - very true.

Thank you, therapy I agree may well help but unfortunately he won't consider it, thanks for your kind words it really helped to read them.

My friend has a bumper sticker that says "If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have a problem with it." Nobody's perfect.

I don't think that angry outbursts and a hot temper are automatically due to maleness.

Rather, I see that claim as an easy out. If I have angry outbursts that are due to me being male, I don't have to do anything to try to change them. Nor does my wife: she gets a pass from speaking to me about them or trying to advocate for herself or our kids or trying to get me to see another perspective. Further, neither of us needs to speak to our sons if they have angry outbursts (just to our daughters).

Everyone involved has an excuse to just stay as they are, no one needs to speak or change.

The only thing I would say is that you need to remember that this behaviour is NOT acceptable
- it is anti-social and he would be arrested if he behaved that way to a police officer, so why should he be allowed to behave that way to you or anyone else?

Yes men *tend* to be more aggressive than women according to psychological research - but that's not really saying much, considering women can be just as bad
- and it is not an excuse for continuing this behaviour

If he refuses help then that is a serious problem - and I would honestly consider leaving him. But *hopefully* he will get/accept the help that he, so obviously, needs.

Good luck to you BOTH

That is very true, thank you. I feel silly for wondering if it was a male trait, perhaps I was subconsciously looking for a way to excuse him and let myself off the hook for tackling him over it.

I think that thought came from the fact my dad was very similar with his outbursts. But thinking about it further my son is now a grown man and he is not like that at all, he is very easy going, very rarely gets rattled and at the same time he is a masculine man.

This is a compliment to you and your husband as parents, that your son has been able to avoid a negative trait that both his father and maternal grandfather had. I admire you both!