[butterflyflies]

Will try to keep from rambling....
Had a very toxic relationship with a man I believed to be a narcissist (exhibited vast array of traits, learned this after extensive reading) for 4 years. We were friends before that for 4 years. I lied to him (about a girls weekend camping trip for my birthday. We weren't together and truly there were no guys), and after I admitted to lying, my life became a living hell. Verbal abuse, a broken leg (mine), emotional abuse, and me defending myself until I lost my sanity. I had been abusive as well after I couldn't hold my anger together after being called every name in the book. Which he then liked to point his finger at me and tell me what I lunatic I was...ugh...it was endless. And it happened a lot.
We ended things a thousand times. Yet we still spent time together. His distrust for me would come up, and I'd get called a promiscuous (slut, **ore) and the cycle would start all over again.
We wouldn't talk, then of course we would hang out again and then there was calm (never an apology though for being called names). Typical abuse cycle.
About a month ago, I felt we made some communication progress. We were good for a few weeks. He helped me move into my new place. I specifically said that any of our drama can not continue in the new place. (Drama is putting it lightly...loud yelling, name calling, me losing my mind). Of course the calm was over last week and it all started again. I'm a slut (and I'm really truly not. I've never cheated or anything even close. But he doesn't trust me). I took an uber home and didn't talk to him for 3 days. He showed up at my new place at 10am, unannounced and I was still upset so I told him to go home. He followed me into my house and acted like nothing was wrong. I told him I was still upset and for him to go home. He didn't leave, and totally ignored me. Once again things got loud and I lost my mind. He told me to keep it down in my new place but I just wanted him out. He wouldn't leave. I forcefully grabbed him and pushed him out of my place. Next thing I know I got a knock on my door, someone called the cops. I didn't answer (so ashamed and scared and upset and angry) and they went away. My landlord called me, told him what happened and I end up getting kicked out of my new place. Landlord broke the lease and kicked me out telling me he doesn't want this kind of thing around (i get it, but it sucked. Took me a month to get a place.) I called my ex and he didn't answer and crying I left a message that I got kicked out. Some time passed and we got on the phone and he's crying telling me not to leave him, and how he's going to fix this, he's going to talk to the landlord. He kept saying for me not to leave him (move away). I was livid. He told me he would help me find a place, he'd move out of his and we can get a place, that I'm the only person in his life, we are best friends....etc.
I told him not to come over, the neighbors aren't happy. The next day I unleashed on him. I was soooooo angry. I got kicked out of my new place because he wouldn't leave. I was furious. I texted him horrible things (which I later apologized for), but they were bad, I was angry. He, not once, apologized for his part in this. In fact, his disappeared. I've called him, stressed out, asking him where this best friend is who'll help me out? Where is he to help fix this like he promised 4 days ago? He said I was nasty to him and he thought it best to 'hang back'. I've been through hell for 4 years being called every name in the book, I took a lie detector test for this guy, I'm still to this day being called a liar and a **ore. He gets yelled at-via text mind you- and he's upset? Poor him...he got yelled at, because he was part of the problem (I'll take responsibility for my part), but there was 2 Of us here. Yet he won't talk to me Now. I'm left to repack this place and move. Again. For the 2nd time in a week. And he's upset??
Ohhhhh I'm so angry.
But I'm also so hurt, and alone. I don't have any friends left, they took off because of him and our relationship. I know he also isolated me, for in my ear about my friend of 20 years. And I stupidly chose him over her. But I tried to initiate contact with her, and she didn't return it. So I'm alone. Alone to move everything. No one to cry to, no one to console me, tell me it's all for the better, that it's all going to be ok. Not a soul. I'm beyond ashamed of the whole situation, so I don't feel like I can even tell my family, they already tell me that having to move twice could only happen to me, how naive Of me (told them this place is an illegally converted apt, which it is, but not the point) and I'd course this would only happen to me'.
I'm so sad. I'm so angry that that jerk can't take responsibility for his part. I'm alone. I hate that I have to move again, I hate that I have to spend money (that I don't have, but have to figure it out) to get my stuff moved to a new place.
I did get a new place, in the same street as my initial place, 5 blocks down. Ugh.

Thanks for reading. Sorry it was long. Its been a very very very long week. I hate it.

It makes sense to me that you are upset, and I'm sorry you're going through this rough time. From what I read, it sounds like you want to change your ex to respond and act the way you wish he would. In my experience, people don't change unless they want to. And if you think he has narcissistic personality, I doubt he will change. That being said, It sounds like you are lonely, grieving, and in the uncomfortable stages of change. That also all makes sense to me and sounds normal. I think it's great that you own up to your mistakes too btw. That is healthy and takes courage that not everyone has. I say stay away from the guy, it sounds like a harmful relationship from all the things you wrote about it.

Making new friends and connections Can feel difficult, but it can be done. keep posting here. I'm sorry you went through all the abuse with your ex. It can be scarring. You deserve better.

[Yoda]

Are you ready yet to leave him for good? It is scary to start over all alone but you and he will only have more of the same if you stay with him.

I was also in an abusive relationship so I know the pull that keeps you with him.