Relationship Anxiety

Hi! I'm new to this site, but I'm hoping it will eventually help me to realize I'm not alone in my struggles.

I'm in my 30's, never really had a normal, healthy relationship before. I've dated guys, but nothing ever got serious for many reasons (they cheated on me, were jerks...I had a bad habit of falling for the bad guys). Anyway, I gave myself a while to not date and just focus on myself. I was single for about two years, and craved someone to share my life with. I wanted to have someone be there for me, someone I could be there for, etc. Well, about five months ago, I met him. He's everything I prayed for, for years. Sure, he has his "issues", but don't we all? The thing is, he has proven that he will do anything for me...he has gone WAY out of his way to come to where I am just to give me a hug...he has brought flowers to me at work..left cute notes on my car...told me that he's never felt this way about anyone and that he loves me for exactly who I am, "issues" and all. I've done just about everything I can think of to push him away, but he keeps telling that no matter how many time I try to run from him, he will always keep chasing me.

I have anxiety, especially when it comes to relationships. I'm afraid of the usual--getting hurt, being alone, etc--but more so, I'm afraid of really letting go and letting someone in. I love this guy, but the closer we seem to get, the further and harder I try to escape. I get so scared of being in a relationship that I try to get out of it. When he tries to make plans with me, I agree reluctantly, but then later try to find a way to get out of it. It's not because I don't care about him or like him, because I really do. It's just me. He keeps asking me to meet his friends and I keep backing out because I'm so scared. I am scared of little things that normal people wouldn't even think twice about. Things like, what if his friends and I don't mesh? What if I don't want to do the things he likes to do? What if he sees the bad side of me? Everything makes me feel uncomfortable...even staying the night (just sleeping, not even "doing" anything). I have panic attacks when I think about allowing myself to get closer to him, or anyone. It hasn't happened with just him...it's happened with others, too. This guy just seems to deal with me and want to help me (although I haven't told him I have relationship anxiety). I was bullied pretty badly in school, and it stuck with me...part of it, is he kind of reminds me the jocks that used to beat me up in school and maybe that's part of my resistance. I know he would never in a million years bully me or treat me poorly, but still. And why am I so scared to hang out with his friends? I am fine when he hangs out with me and my friends.

I want to be with him, but I just don't know how. It feels awkward and I don't know how to overcome this...I really, really want to. I'm in therapy, but sometimes it would be good to know that I'm not the only one and that there is still some hope for me. I have moments when I can feel myself slowly starting to open up and let go a little bit...and it feels so good. But then it's met with this fear again and I start to close up again and my walls go up. If anyone has any insight or advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

Hello birdie1234: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

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Hello, Birdie1234.



Sincerely,

Rainy

After being hurt by past relationship(s), it can make someone reluctant about totally committing to a new one. We start actively searching for "reasons" to not commit, and start putting up walls.

Friends, interests, etc. are not going to be identical with any relationship...it would get pretty boring if they were. You are not in a relationship with any of these, you are in a relationship with him, just him. Seeing the bad side of you? We will always see the bad side of the other person in a relationship at times, and every person has a bad side of some sort to see. He'll see yours, you'll see his...and things will go on and still be good.

He sounds like a wonderful guy, and you seem very happy being with him. I wish you luck in working to take those barriers and walls down.